Chapter Thirty-Six
After a major production of sneaking out of the hotel, which included hotel staff making sure no one got on the elevator while Peter and I were using it and allowing us access to the parking garage instead of bringing the rental car around by valet, we were headed southeast toward the Atlantic and my daughter. Anna and Henry had gotten back to me and we were meeting them at their home.
I still felt like I was careening down that hill with no brakes, accelerating as I went. Not only was Peter refusing to leave my side, which was causing all sorts of emotional turmoil, but I was getting car sick. Thankfully, Sam was ever so wise and sent me with a plastic bag and crackers. It was no more than dry heaves, but unpleasant all the same.
Peter kept reaching over and stroking my hair. “Were you this sick last time?”
I shook my head. “No.” My unnamed daughter was much easier on me. Anna and Henry still hadn’t mentioned her name. It almost seemed as if they hadn’t on purpose, so I didn’t ask. All they said was they would take her out of school for half the day and rearrange their work schedules. I felt bad for the short notice, but they seemed delighted to do it when I spoke to Anna by phone to get their address and finalize plans. It was surreal to talk to her again. She had the same soothing voice and refined manners.
“Delanie?”
“Yeah.” I rested my head against the window.
“We’re having a baby.” His tone was filled with excitement, but mostly trepidation. “Do you want to talk about that?”
I let out a long, slow breath. “I do, but not now.” I could only handle so many emotions at once.
He squeezed my leg. “How about what I did to make you feel like you couldn’t tell me about your daughter . . . or that you were taking RCIA classes?” He seemed reluctant to admit he knew about the classes through the pain that was apparent in his voice.
I wondered what else Sam had told him while I slept and how to answer that many layered and complicated question. One I feared might end it all when I finally made him acknowledge I wasn’t the woman for him. I couldn’t face it now. First her, then us. “Peter, I can’t right now.”
He removed his hand from my leg. “Of course. Just know I want to be the man you can confide in.”
That’s what I’d always wanted, but how could I trust that now? And did he even fully comprehend how uncomfortable that might make him at times? Is that what he truly wanted?
From there, our trip was mainly a silent affair, except the ridiculous escapades we had to go through so I could use a bathroom and not be seen. I’d never had to pee so much on a road trip in my life.
Peter played his part admirably and stopped at a small-town Walmart to buy us each a hat and sunglasses. I had to laugh at his I’m the Life of the Party hat. That was false advertising, but he said he grabbed the first thing he saw that didn’t have a deer or beer on it. He was even sweet enough to make sure that each gas station we stopped at had clean bathrooms before I bothered going in. He reminded me of the Peter before this all blew up in our faces. But I worried now more than ever it was him putting on a brave face since he knew I was pregnant.
One worry at a time, I reminded myself. First, I had to meet my daughter. I wondered what she looked like. Was she happy? More than anything, I wanted her to be happy and loved. I wanted her to know that I loved her. That had never changed. I patted the gift I brought her in my pocket, so happy I thought of it before we’d left the hotel. It was the one good thing to come out of packing all my belongings—if not, I wouldn’t have had it.
I focused on the beautiful Georgia scenery to help stave off the nausea. So many trees in an array of fall colors. Though the weather felt more like summer here in the South. The closer we got to the coast, the happier it made me. I loved sea air and I loved to know that my daughter was growing up in such a picturesque setting filled with such history.
It was no surprise that they lived in the historic district. It was perfectly charming with homes dating back to the Revolutionary War. Moss-covered trees and cobblestoned streets added to the ambience, making me feel as though I had stepped back in time. Peter and I both smiled at the horse-drawn carriages we passed by.
Perhaps I should come here to write. Though I wasn’t sure even the magic of this place could inspire me. Hunter had quit speaking to me and Laine was devastated. I wanted to ease her pain. She called for me to make it better, though she wasn’t sure what would help at this point. Neither was I. Not for me. Not for them. We both ached for the loves of our lives, but we both knew the reality was they might be better off without us. They could have their mothers and the quiet, obscure lives they both longed for.
Peter pulled up in front of a small but quaint two-story brick home with not one, but two verandas. The yard was neatly manicured with a swing in one of the trees and lots of bright colored flowers. Perfect for a little girl. I choked back my tears.
Peter took my hand. “Are you ready for this?”
I took a deep breath and held it for a moment. “What if she hates me?”
“Look at me.”
My head obeyed. It loved nothing better than looking at him. It was painful now, not knowing what our future held.
He cupped my face in his hands. “She’s going to love you.”
Could he be right? I smoothed out my gypsy skirt, making my bracelets jangle. It felt so good to be me today. Peter must have liked it too. He ran his finger down the length of my tattoo. “I’ve missed this, but not as much as your other one.”
He knew exactly how to get my pulse to race.
“We better go.” My body would betray me in a second for a taste of him.
His smile said he knew. “I’ll get your door.”
Together we walked up the brick paved path lined with lilies to their home. I wasn’t sure if I was feeling more nauseous from being pregnant or the nerves. I gripped Peter’s arm to pull me along and steady me. He took the opportunity to hold me tight. He was putting up a good fight. But we had been down this road before, where he seemed to rally, only to go further down the rabbit hole the next time. Again, I would have to deal with it later. Right now, I had to meet a piece of myself.
Peter knocked on the mahogany door. Within seconds we heard footsteps. Henry opened the large door. He hadn’t changed much, except his gray hair was thinner and he maybe had a few more wrinkles, but they were deeply etched laugh lines. The kind that said he had lived a good life. He still wore wire-framed glasses. Behind them hid intelligent green eyes.
“Delanie, it is so good to see you.” He held out his hand, not to shake, but to hold as if he was welcoming his daughter home.
I rested my hand in his soft hand marked with age spots.
He gently tugged me into the beautiful home that had a more modern flair than the outside suggested. “This must be your husband, Peter.”
I looked to Peter, who beamed as always whenever anyone used that title. “I am, sir.” Peter stepped in.
“No need for formality here. Please call me Henry.”
“Henry, is that them?” Anna called.
“Yes, my love.”
“We’re ready,” she called back.
Henry patted my hand with his free hand. “We told her how much you loved tea, so she wanted to have a tea party with you,” he whispered.
I could think of nothing I wanted more at the moment than to have a tea party with my daughter. “That sounds perfect. What is her name?” I asked quietly.
Henry’s eyes lit up. “Come meet her and find out.”
Henry kept ahold of my hand while Peter touched the small of my back as if I might need the support. Their home had hints of both Anna’s and Henry’s personalities. I noted the understated, plain furniture, which would match Henry, but there was no doubt it was fine furniture, which spoke of Anna. Before we could reach their enclosed patio, I paused in the hall, which was graced by several pictures of the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. My free hand went to my mouth as I took her in from the time she was a bouncing baby with rosy cheeks to the ones where her happy smile showed that she had lost a few teeth, to one that had to be recent. She had beautiful, long dark red hair, the same color as mine. And she had my eyes. Her smile though, it was all her own.
“She’s gorgeous.” I touched the glass in the frame.
“That she is.” Henry was obviously proud of her. “Come now. She’s even prettier in person.”
Peter whispered in my ear as we walked. “She looks exactly like you.”
Not exactly. She had a more beautiful soul. I could already tell.
My heart pounded as we neared. I could hear her giggle. It was the most glorious sound in all the world. Before I knew it, we were on the porch. She stood in front of Anna, who had her arms around her. There was no doubt they were mother and daughter. I thought my heart might break over facing that reality but no, it made it soar. This is what I wanted for her—what I couldn’t give her at the time and wasn’t sure I would have ever been able to give her.
Anna was as lovely as ever, with bobbed blonde hair that would probably never gray. Her blue eyes twinkled. “Oh, dear Delanie, here you are. I have someone I would like you to meet.” She adoringly looked down on her daughter. “This is Xaria.”
I held my heart. Baby X. I let go of Henry’s hand and walked toward the first person I ever truly loved. I knelt in front of her and stared into her beautiful porcelain face. Tears streamed down my cheeks. “It is so nice to meet you, Xaria.”
She instinctively touched my face with her delicate hands painted with pink nail polish. Not a shade I would have ever worn, but it fit her so perfectly. “My name means gift of love.”
I looked up into Anna’s wet eyes.
“We thought it was appropriate.”
My eyes went right back to my daughter’s. “It is the most beautiful name I’ve ever heard.” I couldn’t help but hug her. I was so happy when her thin arms wrapped around my neck. I held my baby tight, soaking in what I could of her.
“I have something for you.” I reached into my pocket, not knowing how perfect the small gift would be. It was a choker chain I had worn long ago for months after she was born. I pulled out the silver chain with the dangling X and put it in her small hand. “This is for you.”
She immediately held it up. “It has my initial on it.” She handed it to Anna. “Will you put it on me, Mommy?”
“Why don’t you ask Delanie?”
Xaria turned back toward me and handed me the necklace. “Will you please put it on me?”
She was the politest sounding child ever. That must have come from Henry and Anna. There was no way I had passed that down, and I refused to think it had been a trait of Blair’s.
“I would love to.” I took the chain and clasped it around her slender neck that she got from me. “There you go.”
She took ahold of the X one more time, pleased. “I made you cookies.”
I smiled, though I wasn’t sure how I would get them down, but I would do whatever it took. “I love cookies.” Normally that was true. I stood up and Peter came to my side. “Xaria, this is my . . . husband, Peter.” It was painful to say because I loved it so much yet wasn’t sure it would always be so.
Peter noticed the hesitation and raised his brow at me, but quickly turned his attention to Xaria. “We’ve both been very excited to meet you.” He sounded nothing but sincere. He took her little hand and bent down and kissed it. She giggled, and I wanted to kiss him for it.
“Why don’t we all sit down,” Henry suggested. “We know you don’t have a lot of time and we are anxious to catch up with you.”
Peter helped me with my seat next to my little girl at the round, white table. I hoped Anna and Henry didn’t mind me thinking of her that way. It was apparent where she belonged, but there was a piece of her that would always live in me, and I hoped some of me grew in her. Maybe not the foul mouth part. She was too lovely to be vulgar.
Anna and Henry were anxious to hear about my life, but all I wanted to hear about was Xaria’s. To talk to her. To touch her hair and hold her hand.
“What grade are you in now?”
“Fifth.” She blushed.
“Fifth?”
“She skipped a grade.” Anna smiled.
Of course she did. I knew she would be intelligent. In the womb, I could feel it as she tried to communicate with me.
“What are your favorite subjects?” I wanted to know everything about her.
Her pretty brown eyes lit up. “I love to read, but my mommy won’t let me read your books yet.” So she knew I was a writer.
Everyone around the table laughed.
I beamed down at Xaria. “That’s a good idea.”
“Would you like to see some photo albums of her?” Anna asked me.
“More than anything.”
Anna jumped up to fetch my daughter’s past in pictures. Meanwhile, I couldn’t get over staring at her and she seemed to be just as interested in me. She reached up and touched my diamond nose stud. “Did that hurt when you got it?”
“A little bit.”
Then she touched my tattoo. I was so happy she felt so comfortable around me. “That’s pretty. Green is my favorite color.”
“Mine too.” The shade of Peter’s eyes.
Anna came back carrying a few photo albums. She handed them to me but stayed standing above me so as I took in each page she could tell me the story of Xaria. The most beautiful story I’d ever heard. The one I started but let someone who could do a better job finish.
I touched her newborn photos and felt the ache of remembering her tiny body against me.
“The only way we could get her to sleep,” Anna fondly remembered, “was to play her Eminem.”
I looked up to Anna and smiled. “I told you.”
“What?” Peter wanted to be clued in.
I turned toward him. “At night, Xaria loved to kick and turn, but when I put my headphones on my belly, she calmed down.”
“We only played her the non-explicit versions.” Henry wanted to make that clear.
“Who is Eminem?” Xaria asked.
Anna stroked her hair. “I think one day when you’re older, Delanie will want to tell you all about him.”
Did I ever, but nine was a little young to expose her to my favorite musical artist. But the thought that I could tell her made my heart sing.
I flipped through picture after picture of first steps, first days of school, first lost tooth, birthdays. I laughed and cried at all her cuteness and personality that came through—from the way she posed with her hands on her hips to the way she smiled and lit up the world.
“She reminds us a lot of her tenacious, determined birth mother.” Anna gently touched my hair.
“Never met a young woman as brave as your wife,” Henry said to Peter. “She took charge of her life and faced some pretty tough obstacles with courage.”
Peter rested his hand on my leg. “That sounds like my wife.”
“She was and is our hero,” Anna added in.
The person they were talking about sounded nothing like how I felt. I felt like a coward for giving Xaria away and I was far from a hero. Heroes saved other people, and I felt at the time that maybe I was only doing it to save myself.
Henry must have read my mind. He reached across the table and took my hand. “The hardest thing I ever had to do was take Xaria out of your arms. There was no doubt what a sacrifice it was for you. You loved enough to let go. That is the greatest love of all.”
My eyes swelled with tears. Is that what I was supposed to do now? Show how much I loved Peter by letting him go? Would he be happier without me, like my daughter?
Anna placed her hands on my shoulders. “You don’t know the guilt we felt, but now to see you, successful and married. It does our hearts good.”
Little did they know the success was ruining my marriage.
Peter applied more pressure to my leg as if he knew what I was thinking.
I turned back to Xaria. She was my focus for now. What a lovely sight she was. “Tell me about your ballet classes.”
Before I knew it, we had to leave. I didn’t get to hear near enough of her, but this time I knew it wasn’t a forever goodbye. I would work out how to see her in the future, though my celebrity status was going to make that difficult. I privately discussed with Anna what it might mean for them if the press found out about her. It was a risk they were willing to take, but for now, while Xaria and all of us got used to this new arrangement, we would do what we could to keep it quiet. Xaria and I would video chat once a week until I could see her again.
I knelt by the door to say goodbye to her, though I had no wish to leave her. I held her tight and whispered, “I have always loved you,” in her ear.
She didn’t return it. I didn’t expect her to. But she squeezed tighter. “Thank you for my necklace and for giving me my mommy and daddy.”
Those words both lifted and broke my heart. I leaned back and peered into her eyes. “I’m so, so happy you are happy and so loved.”
It’s all I ever wanted for her.