Laura
I expected to find the room looking like any other room in the hospital. When I discovered that I was right, though, somehow it felt like I’d been wrong. Like I’d expected something else, in ways that I didn’t realize. Like I was expecting the place to look trashed like some kind of rock star had stayed there. Something. Anything.
Instead, there was a bag full of personal belongings on the little table by the bed, which was zip-locked shut. It contained a stack of clothes and other assorted knick knacks. The only thing that he seemed to have removed from it was his cell phone, and he had left that sitting out.
“You should get some rest,” I said softly, as he lifted himself back into the bed. “I’ll see you later.”
“Stay a minute,” he said. I wanted to leave. I wanted to get the hell out of there, because I was getting a very funny feeling. A very bad feeling.
“Stay for what?”
“I need to talk to you.”
“Okay?”
“I’m serious.”
I took a deep breath and settled into the chair by the bed. “What’s the problem?”
“I kept asking you what had changed since I left, you know?”
“I remember.”
“You never mentioned that you had a kid.”
“I don’t see why that’s relevant.”
“You’re not in a relationship or something, are you?”
“No.” The line of questions led into a territory that I didn’t remotely want to approach, but I couldn’t bring myself to lie to him about it, either. That wouldn’t be fair to him. Or Charlie. Or me, for that matter.
“So what’s the story?”
I sucked in a breath. “His father’s not in the picture any more, I guess.”
“Not at all?”
I weighed the response. Was it a trap? Was he trying to hint that he’d realized that it was him, or was he still just pushing without realizing the mistake?
“I don’t know. But he’s got no strings on me, if that’s what you’re asking.”
He took a deep breath. “Cause I saw you weren’t wearing a ring.”
“No, I’m not,” I agreed.
“Good.” He laid his head back. “I was worried.”
“Worried about what?”
“Worried that I’d made a mistake last night. A bigger mistake than usual, I mean.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I don’t know exactly.”
“Why don’t you try to explain?”
“I’m not ready to explain,” he said. “I could explain but I don’t think it would be very helpful, I guess.”
“You don’t say? And you think that it helps more to play the secrecy card?”
“I don’t know, Laura. Don’t try to pull that with me. Just let me think, will you?”
“Do you really want me gone that bad?”
“I’ve been on the move for a long time. I’ve been doing this so long that I don’t know if I could stop if I wanted to. It’s been my whole life. I spent so long getting ready to go, like a coiled-up spring.”
“And now that you’re back, you miss the road?”
“Now that I’m back, I’m thinking about whether or not I made the right choice. And maybe I decide I did. So I don’t want to talk about it, because I don’t know which way it’s going to fall yet, and I don’t want to do something stupid just because I’m thinking.”
I chewed on that a minute. That was a minefield. One that I hadn’t really expected. I heard something about myself in it, the commentary that he wanted me. But I’ve been wanting him to say that to me for so long that I have to be sure that’s what he means. And the truth is, I don’t want to ask him.
“Alright, well… I’ll be back tomorrow to check on your mom. If you want me to check in on you, then…”
He nodded without looking at me. “I’d appreciate that, even if it’s just a minute.”
“Take care of yourself, okay?”
“I’ll do my best,” he said. There was a hint of sadness in his voice.
I gave him one last look, wanting to say something. Anything that would make him feel better. But I guessed that wasn’t likely to happen.
So instead I started heading out of the hospital and let myself mope all the way to the car. In a little while, Charlie would be getting out of school. I had about enough time to get groceries before I picked him up. I could let the bus handle it, of course. No reason that I couldn’t. But I preferred not to if I could help it.
I played the conversation back in my head as I waited outside the school. It was the only thing to do. I had a thousand things to think about. For example, there was the fact that I had to give very serious consideration to the realities of being a single parent going to school and working at the same time.
Then I had to give a second consideration to the fact that I was a well-educated woman and working nights at a convenience store, and not in my chosen field of study, and I was coming up on thirty faster than I would have liked for a woman in that position.
Then there were the slim pickings here in Woodbridge for partners. It wasn’t going to get better from here. Nobody scrapes the bottom of the barrel and then finds exactly what they were looking for. But I had been scraping for the past year and was getting exactly who I expected to find at the bottom of the barrel, really. People who weren’t worth my time or my consideration.
What were my alternatives? Just don’t do any of that? Start thinking about taking up a cat collection? Wait for Charlie to get old enough to move out and then rot away?
Never mind any of those things, though. I had to think hard about how I was even going to make it that far. My options weren’t exactly lining up, and I was going to have to give it some very serious consideration. Like… yesterday.
The way that I piled everything on, though, made it sound as if I wasn’t doing all of that already. But it’s not like I haven’t been thinking about solutions to all those problems. The real trouble wasn’t that I needed to come up with solutions to problems that I was avoiding, though I certainly was doing that.
The problem was that I had been searching for solutions for a long time, and the only answers that I’d been finding for all that time were bad. Food stamps were out of the question, for example. I wasn’t even sure where I could spend them if I wanted to. I didn’t know where to apply for them if I wanted them. And I didn’t know whether or not I’d be accepted, with my situation.
I could stop going to school, but that’s throwing the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak. If I’m not going to chase down the future, then I don’t need to plan much at all. I can survive. I can make sure that there’s food on the table. I can get by. I’ve had plenty of practice.
The reality is, though, that I’m not sure that I see where I can succeed without a plan. Without something big changing, there’s no plan at all. So right now, I have to wait for something to come along.
The problem is… well, if all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. I have one option, and one option only. I need something to change, and every change looks like the one that’s going to be the big one for me. If it’s nowhere close, then it fades into the background.
Dave being here at all isn’t a big change. Dave expressing any sort of interest in me is. And it’s oh so tempting to hear something in it that isn’t there. But I know better than to believe in it. At least, I tell myself I know better. But the reality is, I probably don’t. I would probably walk right back into that trap again without a moment’s hesitation, and there would be nothing stopping me except good sense.
I’ve proved twice now that I don’t have any of that. Not when it comes to Dave Collins. Because he’s my way out, in a way. If he were interested, and I know better than to believe that he is, then it would answer a lot of questions. Whatever he’s out there doing, he could do it here. Having a place to stay without needing to spend half your paycheck keeping it is a big, big margin of breathing room.
I let out a long breath. But I don’t have room for a leap of faith. I know better than to believe that’s even remotely possible. Or at least, I hope that I do. But I could be mistaken.
I could jump right back into it and that would be the biggest mistake of all.