Chapter Twenty
Mammoth Springs, the source of Spring River, was just across the Arkansas state line from Hardy, in Missouri. The water pouring from the underground springs was icy cold, and when mixed with the warmer air above, a nighttime fog was the usual results.
It hung over the river eerily, seething like a living creature, until the sun burned it off, giving Uncle Vern’s backyard a mystical, fairy tale appearance.
I woke early Saturday morning, before dawn, to the sound of my uncle rummaging in the hall closet for his fishing gear. Quietly, I listened to the front door close and the sound of his truck starting, then slid from the bed. Pulling on a pair of jeans and an old T-shirt, I padded barefoot to the kitchen.
The coffee was still hot, so I poured a cup, snagged one of Uncle Vern’s flannel shirts to ward off the early morning chill, and walked down to the river. Sitting on the bank, sipping coffee, I watched the sun come up over the mountains and let the peace soak into me.
The gurgle of the river was soothing, almost hypnotic. The first rays of light broke through the fog, turning dew-drenched spider webs into jeweled delicacies of extraordinary beauty. Across the river, a doe stepped hesitantly to the water, a half-grown fawn by her side.
She froze when she saw me, head high, long ears flicking in my direction. For a moment we stared at each other, but when I didn’t move she decided I wasn’t a threat.
Lowering her head to the water, she drank while a red fox squirrel scolded from a tree.
Water dripped from her muzzle when she lifted her head again, and she kept an eye on me as the fawn, at some silent signal, took his turn at the river. Then they both vanished into the woods like ghosts, leaving me to wonder if I’d dreamed them.
I continued to sit there long after my coffee was gone, long after the fog had thinned away into nothingness. Sunlight glinted off the silvery scales of trout, leaping from the rapids in pursuit of the insects that hovered above the water, capturing my attention.
And gradually, I became aware that I was feeling something.
Or maybe it was a lack of something I felt. Because for the first time since Katie died, the pain was gone. There was no anger left inside me. It was as if it had been burned away, leaving me clean and whole, like metal forged in a blast furnace.
I was pondering this amazing discovery when I heard the soft sounds of footsteps coming down the path from the cabin. They stopped behind me.
“Mind if I join you?”
Carefully, I put my cup on the ground beside me. “How did you find me?” 191
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Jenna’s flame-red hair came into view as she sat down, her gaze fixed on the river.
“It hit me last night that this was the only place we hadn’t looked. I figured if I called, your uncle wouldn’t tell me the truth, so I drove up to see for myself.” I wrapped my arms around my knees. “I guess everyone is upset with me.”
“They’re scared. Cody told us what happened at the store. He blames himself for leaving you alone after that, but he said you seemed so calm that it didn’t occur to him you might do something drastic.”
When I didn’t say anything, she assumed a pose identical to mine. “The Judge came home from the hospital a week ago Friday, and your Aunt Jane has been handling things at Southern Supply. Kenny says she’s pretty good at it. You might want to consider keeping her on as an assistant when you get back.” She moved her head just enough to see me from the corner or her eyes. “Bowie brought your car back. He says it should run fine now.” I lowered my forehead to my knees. “And Nick?” I was sure feeling something now. Horror at what I’d done to him, to us, and the realization that I could never take those words back.
“I don’t know. No one has seen him. He’s even stopped work on the house.” We fell quiet for a few minutes, each of us lost in our own thoughts. Jenna was the one who broke the silence.
“Do you hate me? I know what you’re thinking, but I swear, Alix, I wasn’t using you.”
“I know.”
She finally looked at me, surprised. “You do?”
I raised my head and nodded. “After I had time to think about it, I realized I was more shocked and upset because I hadn’t figured it out sooner, than because of what you did.” Shifting slightly, I faced her. “You love him.”
“Since we were kids.” Her chin lifted. “And he loves me.” Her defiance collapsed like a leaky balloon. “God, it was so hard, loving him and loving you, too. I hated myself, and I hated Hugh for not having the guts to stand up to his family. Helena made it real clear that I wasn’t ‘suitable’ wife material for a Morgan, and Hugh always did what she told him.”
“I wish you’d told me. I never would have married him.”
“I know. I wish I had, too. But I knew you loved Nick, so it never occurred to me that things would get so out of hand. I couldn’t believe it when I found out you’d gotten married.” She glanced at me. “Hugh was the first guy I slept with, and the whole time he was dating you, he’d come to me after he dropped you off.” I couldn’t help it, I laughed. “Lord, what a mess we were. The whole time I was sneaking around sleeping with Nick, feeling guilty as hell about using Hugh, he was doing the same thing with you.” I put my hand on her arm. “I’m so sorry, Jenna. You’re probably the only innocent in this fiasco.”
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“No, don’t.” She shook her head, red curls bouncing. “I’m not innocent. No one twisted my arm and made me keep seeing Hugh. And for a while after you married him, I didn’t. I told him it was over. But then Katie died. He was hurting too, Alix, and you’d simply shut down. When he came to me for comfort, I loved him too much to refuse him.”
“Poor Hugh,” I murmured. “He was as miserable as I was. So all those times I thought there were other women, it was always you.” This time her laugh was bitter. “Oh, there were others. The irony is that he wasn’t doing it to hurt you; he was doing it to hurt me. Every time my conscience started bothering me and I’d tell him not to come back, he’d find someone else to torment me with. And it always worked. After a few weeks he’d show up at my door and tell me how sorry he was, how much he loved me, and I’d take him back. It was like being addicted to a drug. I knew I shouldn’t, but I just couldn’t help myself.”
“Well, he’s free now. If you want him, he’s all yours.” Her grin was wry. “Thanks, but I’m not sure I do want him. I’ve been doing some thinking of my own lately, and I’ve decided that I deserve someone better, someone who loves me enough to tell the whole world about it, and who’s willing to fight for me if that’s what it takes. Maybe I’m the one who’s too good for Hugh. Unless he does a lot of changing and growing up, I’m writing him off as a lost cause.” We shared a look of understanding before she asked, “What about you and Nick?” My gaze went back to the river. “It’s over. There is no Nick and me anymore.” The ache that surrounded my heart as I finally put my thoughts into words was nearly unbearable. And I had no one to blame but myself.
“I don’t believe that. He’s crazy about you.”
“Maybe he was, but he’s not now. Not after what I did to him. No one could forgive that. Not in a million years.”
“You told him about Katie?”
I blinked, trying to expel the moisture that gathered in my eyes. “I didn’t just tell him, Jenna. I tore him to shreds with it, very cruelly and deliberately. I wanted to hurt him, and I succeeded beyond anything I could have imagined. He’s never going to speak to me again.”
“You can’t know that.”
“And you didn’t see him. He was destroyed, and it’s my fault. You said he’d stopped working on the house. Since he was building it for me, that should tell you something.”
“I see.” She took a deep breath and gave me a wry smile. “Do you think they have a twelve-step program for men we could both join?”
“Somehow, I don’t think it would work for either of us,” I said miserably.
“You’re probably right. But, you can’t hide here forever. Sooner or later you’ll have to go home.”
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“I can’t,” I whispered. “I can’t go back to the barn, and I refuse to move in with my family like I’m ten years old.”
She thought for a second, her head tilted to one side. “You don’t have to. I’ve got a house you can move into. It’s small, only two bedrooms, but it’s completely furnished and only a couple of blocks from Southern Supply. The owners wanted to sell it, but with the market sluggish like it is, they’re willing to rent it out. All we’d have to do is move your clothes and you could be settled in by nightfall.” Maybe it was time for some changes. My life sure hadn’t been anything to shout about so far. Abruptly, I made up my mind and stood. “Let me grab my things and leave a note for Uncle Vern.”
I suppose part of me hoped that when Nick discovered I was back, he’d call. It was a small, futile hope, but there nonetheless. I sure couldn’t call him. Not when deep down I figured he’d give a warmer welcome to Beelzebub rising from the flames of hell than he would to me.
Of course, moving into the little house took a bit more effort than Jenna had implied, and first I had to deal with my family.
Everyone was at the farm when we arrived, and listened quietly while I apologized for scaring them, and gave them the news that I was moving. Once again, they tiptoed around me like they had after Katie died.
Afterward, Jenna helped me pack my things into the boxes we’d picked up on our way through town. Not only did I have my clothes, I had all my personal items and dishes to pack. As each box was filled, one of us would carry it out to the Chevy.
Strangely enough, I discovered I didn’t like the car anymore. Like the room in the barn, I had clung to it all these years because it was familiar, because it was a part of Nick I couldn’t let go of, even though I hadn’t realized that’s what I was doing. But for now the Chevy was all I had, so I’d drive it until I could buy a new car.
When the last box was packed, Jenna brushed the hair away from her face, gave me a meaningful glance, and then headed for the door. “I’ll go unlock the house and turn on the air conditioner. See you in a few minutes.” She was giving me time to say goodbye to my old life, and I took it.
Alone, I stood in the middle of the empty room, my gaze moving over the rickety bed, the lumpy old easy chair, and the small window. There was a feeling of abandonment about the room now, an air of infinite sadness. It was almost as though the room knew its usefulness had come to an end, that no one would ever rest within its sturdy walls again.
With tears in my eyes, I went out and closed the door softly behind me. I was halfway through the front part of the barn when my foot hit something, sent it skittering across the floor ahead of me with a tinkle of metal.
A sob caught in my throat, I leaned down and picked up the remnants of the pendant. Clutching it in my fist, I leaned weakly against a stall, tears streaming down 194
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my cheeks. “What have I done?” I whispered, my heart breaking into a million pieces.
“Oh, God, what have I done?”
* * * * *
The next week was odd, unreal. I spent Sunday unpacking and arranging my things in the cozy little house I’d leased. It had been remodeled recently and had every convenience I could possibly want, including a flowerbed off the back porch overflowing with roses in every color imaginable. And yet, for me, who had never had close neighbors before, it was strange being able to hear children playing so near.
Traffic was a constant background murmur that kept me awake most of those first nights.
Monday morning, I had the utilities switched over into my name, and my phone moved. When I got to work, I discovered Aunt Jane there before me. Neither of us said a word, she just continued as though she’d been working at Southern Supply forever.
And Jenna had been right. The woman was a marvel of efficiency. For the first time in ages, I found myself with time on my hands.
I spent it wandering through the store, staring at the merchandise as though I’d never seen it before, and chatting with employees I’d barely spoken with since the day I’d hired them.
Not once during that week did I see or hear from Nick, although I jumped every time the phone rang. Daniel still came to work each afternoon, but I made it a point to keep my distance from him. He looked so much like Nick that it was painful for me. If he found my behavior strange, he didn’t show it.
Thursday morning I took the Chevy to the farm, parked it under the shed, and climbed into Jenna’s Lincoln. We drove to Jonesboro, and when we came back I was driving a brand new, bright red Isuzu Trooper, a vehicle about as unlike the Chevy as I could find.
It was late that evening when my doorbell rang. I wasn’t surprised. Cody had stopped by for a few minutes almost every night. I knew he still felt guilty about leaving me alone at the store that night, even though we were both very careful not to mention the incident again. I think he believed I’d go into screaming fits if he said anything, and being male, he was pretty helpless around crying women, sheriff or not.
I put the last dirty dish in the dishwasher, and went to answer the door. To my surprise, it wasn’t Cody, it was Hugh.
“Hi.”
“Hello.” Puzzled, I simply stood there, frowning.
He shifted his weight from his right foot to his left. “Mind if I come in for a while?” 195
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Well, why not? This entire week had a surreal quality about it. Finding Hugh on my doorstep was just the latest in a long string of weirdness. I pushed the door open and led the way to the kitchen.
“Tea? I just made a fresh pitcher.”
“That would be great.”
I dumped some ice into glasses, poured the tea, and carried it to the table.
Hugh took it, staring at it like he’d never seen tea before. “I guess you’re wondering why I’m here.”
“It did cross my mind.” I took a sip from my glass.
“Would you believe I miss you?”
“Sure you do. Like a plague victim misses the rat that carried the fleas.” He looked up, smiling. “You weren’t that bad.”
“Well, that’s certainly a load off my mind.” His smile dimmed. “I really do miss you, Alix. In spite of everything I did to hurt you, I loved you. Part of me always will.”
“Just not the right way,” I said quietly.
“No, not the right way.” His gaze shifted down again. “Being with you was like being married to my sister.”
I reached across the table and took his hand. “Hugh, it wasn’t your fault any more than it was mine. We were too young when we got married, and we did it for all the wrong reasons. It’s a miracle we stayed together as long as we did. And if it’s any consolation, you really weren’t that bad either.”
“Not even in bed?” He laughed at the expression on my face, and I returned his grin.
“Well, let’s just say it’s hard to start a fire when all you have to work with are two broken sticks. I don’t think either of us put our heart into the effort.”
“Maybe if we’d tried harder…”
I released his hand and leaned back. “No. It still wouldn’t have worked. We both loved someone else.”
“I guess you’re right.”
“So, how’s it going with Jenna?”
He grimaced. “It’s not. She won’t talk to me anymore. I haven’t seen her since that night at the roadhouse. I wish I knew what she wanted.”
“That’s easy enough,” I said softly. “What she wants is someone who’ll be proud of her, someone who puts her first.”
With a sigh, he lifted a hand to rub his eyes. “I’ve been a real asshole, haven’t I? To you and her both.”
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“We’re only human, and we all make mistakes. I’ve made some real dillies so don’t think you’ve cornered the market.”
“Do you think she’ll ever forgive me?”
“You’ll have to ask her that.”
“What about you?” His gaze met mine. “If it’s not too late, I’d like to have my friend back.”
Tears filled my eyes and I could barely answer him. “You’ve got her.” We hugged for a long moment before Hugh gave a shaky laugh. “I better get out of here before they reopen the betting pool at the barbershop.” I released him, took a step back and wiped my eyes. “Who won the first one?”
“Mooney Orr.”
My mouth dropped open. “The slimy little shit who beat me up in fourth grade?” He grinned. “That would be the one. He said after Nick broke his nose and knocked out two of his teeth defending you, he knew you and I didn’t stand a chance.”
“Well, I’ll be damned.”
When we reached the front door, he paused and looked down at me. “Can I call you some time, just to talk?”
I smiled. “You can call me any time.”
“Thank you.” He dropped a kiss on my forehead. “I’ll see you later.” He was whistling as he went down the sidewalk and I hoped he was on his way to see Jenna. In spite of all we’d been through, or maybe because of it, I knew what a nice guy Hugh could be.
The next day, Friday, went pretty much like the rest of the week had gone. I drifted through it in a semi-daze, opening new accounts for several customers, doing what little paperwork Aunt Jane left me, and generally feeling useless. I even ordered more of those blasted birdbaths just to stay busy.
It was something of a relief when everyone went home that evening, leaving me to gather the receipts and lock up. I piddled for a while, delaying my departure, but there really wasn’t much reason to be there. I thought briefly about taking my Trooper for a long drive, but I wasn’t in the mood for that either.
In the end, I stopped at the store to pick up some groceries and headed home, knowing tonight would be no different than any other in the last week. I’d watch some boring show on TV until I could barely hold my eyes open, then go to bed and stare at the dark ceiling for the rest of the night, thinking about Nick.
What I didn’t expect was to find Daniel sitting on my front porch waiting for me.
I parked the Trooper, got out my bags, and was halfway across the yard before I saw him. Suddenly, my heart was lodged in my throat and my pulse was hammering until I could barely breathe. I realized I’d come to an abrupt halt and forced my awkward feet to move forward until I was standing at the bottom of the steps.
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“Daniel?”
When he glanced up, he looked as haggard as I’d been feeling.
“Daniel, what’s wrong?”
“It’s Dad.” His throat moved as he swallowed, and fear shot through me.
“What’s wrong? What happened?”
“I don’t know what’s wrong!” He sounded so desperate that I closed my eyes for a second against the pain.
“Come inside. We can talk there.”
Taking one of the bags from my arms, he followed me to the kitchen. I gestured toward a chair. “Sit down.”
He slumped onto a chair and I took the one next to him, the groceries forgotten in my worry. “Tell me,” I said quietly.
“I think he’s trying to kill himself.”
“What?” The words hit me like a fist, sent me reeling dizzily, and I knew the blood had drained from my face.
“I don’t mean he’s got a gun or anything like that, but I don’t know what else to call it. He stays locked up in the house all the time, and he won’t let Bowie work on the garage or the house. He won’t eat, or shave, or anything. He just sits there. We’ve tried to talk to him, to find out what’s wrong, but he doesn’t listen and he won’t answer. And I know he’s not sleeping because I hear him walking around at night after he gets home.
I’ve never seen him like this before.”
I was shaking so hard it was a miracle I didn’t fall off the chair. “Wait, I thought you said he stays home all the time?”
“During the day he does. But every evening for the last two weeks, he leaves at the same time and doesn’t come home until after dark. We didn’t know where he was going until yesterday.”
A feeling of dread swept over me. I didn’t want to ask the next question, but I had to know. “What happened yesterday?”
Daniel looked up, his gray eyes, so much like Nick’s, meeting mine. “I followed him. He went to that cemetery near the Baptist church. Do you think that’s where his father is buried?”
“Oh, God.” I covered my face with my hands. “No. No, it’s not where his father’s buried.” It was where our daughter was buried.
“Alix, you’ve got to help him. He’s been in love with you forever. We all know it. If anyone can get through to him, it’s you.” His voice dropped to a scared whisper. “If you don’t, he’s going to die. I don’t know what else to do anymore.” I dropped my hands and did my best to pull my shattered heart back together.
“You said he leaves at the same time every evening?”
“Yes. At seven.” Hope lit his eyes. “Does this mean you’ll talk to him?” 198
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I glanced at the clock. It was already six-thirty. “I can’t promise it will do any good, Daniel, but I’m going to try. I’m going to try real hard.”
“Should I wait here?”
“No. I don’t have any idea how long this will take. You might as well go home. I’ll call you later.”
He stood and hugged me tightly, and I prayed he would never find out that his father’s condition was all my fault.
Moving like a robot, I put the groceries away and then went to change out of my business suit. I wanted to give Nick time to get there ahead of me, because I was afraid if he saw me, he’d leave before I had a chance to talk to him. I didn’t have any idea how I was going to get through to him; I only knew I had to find a way. And who better than I? If anyone knew about grief and shutting down your emotions, I was that person.
Even if the only reaction I got from him was hatred, it was better than nothing.
I waited until fifteen minutes after seven, then climbed in the Trooper and drove slowly across town, and parked in the church’s lot. The house Nick had rented wasn’t too far away, and I realized he must have walked the distance. His truck was nowhere to be found.
I saw him immediately. Katie’s grave was near the back of the cemetery, under a big sweet gum tree, not far from where my Grandmother French was buried. And if I hadn’t been expecting him, I’m not sure I would have recognized him.
He was standing there, staring at her headstone, hands in the pockets of his faded jeans. His T-shirt was wrinkled and hung on him loosely, as though he’d lost weight. A beard covered his jaw and his hair looked like it hadn’t been combed in days. And my heart broke all over again. I was responsible for this. I had done this to him, and now I had to make it right.
I stopped behind him and he was so oblivious, so lost in his own thoughts, that he didn’t know I was there until I touched his arm. When I did, he jumped, then spun to stare at me from red-rimmed eyes. But only for a second.
Before I could form a word, he jerked his gaze away and started to turn. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I didn’t know you’d be here. I’ll go.”
“Nick, wait. Please.”
He stopped, his head lowered, still refusing to look at me.
“I don’t want you to go,” I whispered. “I came here to talk to you.”
“Talk to me? How can you stand to even look at me after what I did to you?” I moved until I was in front of him, forced him to meet my eyes. “Listen to me, Nick. You didn’t do anything to me. I did it to myself. No one forced me to marry Hugh. No one forced me to turn my grief over Katie’s death into anger and hate. Do you understand? I did it to myself.”
“You were right to hate me. I left you. You were carrying my baby and I left you.” His tone was flat, unemotional.
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“I don’t hate you!” I was desperate, yelling in my fear for him. “I wanted to hate you. I even convinced myself that I did. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop loving you. I love you, damn it!”
“Don’t. There’s no way you could love me, and I don’t need your pity.” He backed up a step, but his attention was caught by Katie’s headstone again, and he stopped. “I never got to see her.” His voice was raw with bottled-up pain. “I never got to hold her.” And suddenly I knew how to get through to him. I had to force him to let go of those emotions choking him. Get them out so they could stop poisoning him. It was something my family should have done for me a long time ago, something that Jenna had finally managed that night we sat in her kitchen and cried together.
Frantically, I dug through my purse until I found my wallet. Once I had it open, I took out the picture of Katie I kept with me and handed it to Nick. He took it like a man in a trance, his gaze fastened hungrily on her tiny face.
“Let me tell you about Katie,” I said quietly.
And for the next hour, that’s exactly what I did. At some point I became aware that tears were running down his cheeks, and silent sobs shaking his body, but I swallowed my own pain and kept going. When I finished, I took the step that separated us and put my arms around him, knowing that his attention was focused on me intently.
“You were only twenty when you left, Nick. Not much more than a boy. You did what you thought you had to, and that’s the best any of us can do. Katie died from SIDS. Even if you’d been here, there was nothing you or anyone could have done to stop it. But you saved the child you could. You saved Daniel, and he’s wonderful. I wouldn’t blame you if you hated me for the way I told you about Katie, but for Daniel’s sake, don’t keep doing this to yourself. He loves and needs you, and he’s scared to death for you.”
Almost reflexively, his arms lifted, went around me so tightly I could hardly breathe. With his face buried in my hair, we both cried. We cried for our child, for the hurt we’d caused each other, and for all the time we’d lost. And when there were no tears left, Nick lifted his head and looked down at me.
“I love you,” he whispered.
“Then come home with me,” I answered.
And he did.
When we reached the tiny house I was renting, he asked where the bathroom was. I pointed him in the right direction and then went to the kitchen. While he showered and shaved, I called Daniel and told him his father was going to be late and not to wait up for him. And then I held the phone away from my ear, smiling at the deafening yell coming across the line.
By the time Nick showed up in the kitchen, cleaner and minus the beard, I had a stack of sandwiches ready. He dug in like he was starved, polishing off almost the entire pile by himself.
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Pushing the plate aside, he leaned back in the chair. He still looked tired, but the haggard appearance was fading and his gray eyes were alive again when he looked at me. “Do you have any more pictures?”
Luckily, I did. One of the first things I’d moved were the albums full of Katie’s pictures. Together, we sat on my bed, backs against the headboard, shoulders touching, as we went through it and talked, just like we’d done when we were kids. When we’d turned the last page, we held each other for a long time, until our need for another kind of solace became overpowering, and then we made love, slowly and sweetly.
It was dawn when Nick turned to me and clasped my hand. “I swear, I’ll never leave you again,” he whispered.
I lifted my other hand to his face, fingers caressing his skin. “It wouldn’t do you any good if you did,” I said. “Because the next time, I’d come after you.” 201
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