Crimson
Knock, knock.
I practically catapulted off the couch, I was so filled with nervous energy. Stephen was here!
I took one last look in the hallway mirror, making sure every inch of my appearance was perfect before I went to the door to greet my date. My first real date. Ever. Oh gosh, I can’t do this! Is it too late to back out of this? I can tell him I’m sick.
There was another knock on the door, and it snapped me out of my momentary panic. I skipped to the door and opened it. Stephen was standing on the doorstep, looking as scrumptious as ever in dark wash jeans and a gray polo.
“Ready to go?” he asked with a boy-next-door smile.
I was completely under his spell now. The confident exterior I had been building the last three years was shaken and fading, revealing my timid, uncertain inner self. I might as well still be that rose-eyed middle school girl who knew nothing of the world of vampires, the girl who still had not gotten over the abuse of her effed-in-the-head father and was desperate for the affection of the popular boy.
“Yep,” I answered with a suddenly dry mouth.
We got into his car.
“So, what are you in the mood for?” he asked. “Burgers? Mexican? Chinese? Pizza?”
“Oh, uh, I guess pizza sounds good,” I said, surprised that he was letting me choose.
“You like Pizza Hut?”
“Yeah, sure,” I answered. Who doesn’t?
“Great, Pizza Hut it is.”
We went to the closest Pizza Hut, ordered a pizza and sat in one of the booths. We looked at each in silence for a few minutes. I had no idea what to talk about. My mind was a complete blank. Stephen wasn’t just the dumb jock I was trying to brush off anymore. He was the guy I definitely liked, and I wanted him to like me, and I was afraid that if I opened my mouth, I would say something stupid and chase him off.
“So you mentioned you had a few scholarships,” he began, breaking the ice for me. “Where are you going after high school is over?”
“University of Arizona,” I said.
“What are you going to study?” he asked.
I didn’t really like talking about myself, but at least this was a topic. I shrugged. “I don’t know yet. There is so much I want to do that I can’t decide. What about you? What are your plans for after graduation?” I asked. “Are you going to play college football?”
“I don’t think so,” he said. “I don’t want to be known just for my athletic skills. I want to earn a respectable reputation. I might go into business or politics.”
“Really? I never pictured you as the political type. Interesting.”
A waitress came by and placed the melty, cheesy pizza between us. We picked out our choice pieces and started eating. After that, the conversation flowed easily enough. But my heart didn’t settle during the whole meal. I still couldn’t get over the fact that I was actually on a date with my elementary school crush, one of the most popular guys in school. And this begged the question, why me?
“Why me?” Oops, I didn’t mean to actually beg the question!
“What?” He asked with a chuckle.
Well, it was too late now. I sighed. “Why are you interested in me? You just broke up with the head cheerleader, and now you’re on a date with a band geek. I just don’t get it.”
He laughed. “Crim, this isn’t a calculus equation. There’s nothing really to get. So, we’re not in the same social circles. Who cares. I asked you out because you’re cute and smart. Simple as that. Why are you out with me?”
I gave him a crooked smile. “In case you hadn’t noticed, I’ve had a crush on you since kindergarten.”
“Oh,” he said, genuinely surprised and obviously flattered.
Crap, why did I tell him that? He really didn’t need to know.
That was where the conversation ended. The pizza was already mostly gone, so we only spent a few minutes sitting in a strange, not totally uncomfortable silence in which we both kept looking at each other and flirting without words.
Our next stop was the movie theater up the road. We were just in time for a romantic comedy, so Stephen bought the tickets, and we found seats at the very back of the dark theater. Only ten minutes into the movie, my hand was in his. It felt nice. My insides still felt like jelly, but in a good way.
The movie took a sexy turn, and I could feel Stephen’s eyes on me. I tentatively looked over and met his sultry gaze. Our faces were moving closer, pulled by the gravitational pull of each other, and before I knew it, our lips were touching.
It was nice. But that’s all it was.
This was my first kiss. Shouldn’t it feel like fireworks? Shouldn’t there be a spark? I had liked Stephen for so long, this should feel incredible! But maybe it was just my nerves.
When his tongue pushed forward and slipped between my lips, I let it. I wanted to see if that would make the kiss better. I licked his tongue, opening my mouth a little bit more. This was fun, don’t get me wrong, but…not what I expected. And I wasn’t into kissing as a sport. If I was going to be physical with someone, it had to mean something.
I closed the kiss, and we both sat back in our chairs and continued watching the movie. Thankfully the sexy part was over, and the comedy kicked back in, so I could laugh as a distraction from the awkward physical tension between us.
I wasn’t sure what happened, but there was just no spark between us. Kissing Stephen was like kissing a cousin. It just didn’t feel right. And the more I thought about it, the more I didn’t want to pursue a physical relationship with him. I spent the rest of the movie trying to figure out a way to avoid any further intimacy, a way to put him in the friend zone after this lack-luster kiss. He was the quarterback of the football team, after all, so he would surely move on in a heartbeat if he saw I wasn’t interested.
When the movie was over, we got back in his car so he could take me home. He was silent, too. He must have felt the same thing I did, or lack thereof. Maybe he was contemplating how to let me down easy. So, I kept my mouth shut because I preferred that he be the one to end this so I wouldn’t have to hurt his pride.
We pulled in a dark and empty parking lot a few blocks away from my house, and he parked under a shady tree. Why are we stopping here? I looked around, trying to figure out what he might need at this drugstore before I remembered it had been shut down a few months ago.
Stephen unbuckled his seatbelt and leaned over toward me. His mouth crushed into mine and his hand was hot as it touched my face, my neck, lower…
I sat there frozen for a few seconds, letting him kiss me and touch me because I didn’t know how to react. I thought he understood. I thought he felt the wrongness in our kiss before. But I was wrong. That kiss had just revved him up, made him think this was going somewhere it wasn’t.
His hand roamed even lower, and when it landed on my thigh, I jerked my mouth away and pushed his hand away.
“What’s wrong?” he asked in rough and raspy voice.
I shook my head rapidly. “Stephen, this is too fast,” was all I could think to say.
“Oh, come on,” he said. “How can it be too fast? You’ve had a crush on me for years, remember? It sounds like this is long overdue.”
And he closed in again, this time with more passion, more strength. His hand slipped around mine and this time invaded my closed thighs.
No! NO!!!
I was reminded of the scared child I used to be, and part of me wanted to just curl into a ball and shut myself off until this was over. But I wasn’t that helpless little girl anymore. I wasn’t anyone’s toy, and no one was going to do something to me if I didn’t want it.
I grabbed his wrist and pulled it away as I turned my face away from his mouth.
“No, Stephen,” I said in a firm tone. “Take me home.”
“You know you want this,” he said. “I could feel it in your kiss earlier. Don’t be a tease.” He climbed over the shifter to put his weight on me.
Outrage replaced the panic in my chest, and all I could see was red.
“I said NO!” I shouted, shoving at his chest.
“You’ll enjoy this, I promise,” he whispered intimately like my shoves were nothing but playful slaps.
The hell I will.
With as much momentum as I could gather, I thrust my knee into his groin. When he recoiled from the hit to what was obviously his brain, I wrenched at the door handle, kicked the door open and darted out.
I ran away as fast as I could. We were only a few blocks from my house, I could make it there. I kept running and didn’t look back, didn’t stop to catch my breath, not even when my sides ached. By the time I got back to my house, the angry adrenaline had left me, and my legs were so wobbly I could barely make it up to my front door.
Mom’s car was in the driveway. Should I tell her what happened? My head automatically began to shake in refusal. If I told her about Stephen, she’d never let me out of the house again. And this would turn into a whole big thing at school. I didn’t want that. This had to stay quiet. Even though I knew Stephen would twist this and spread nasty rumors about me all over school.
I took a deep, steadying breath and went inside.
“Hi honey,” Mom said from the table, eating dinner. “How was your date?”
I shrugged, hoping she couldn’t see how worked up and sweaty I was. “Eh, not great. We just didn’t hit it off.”
“Aww, and you were so looking forward to this evening,” she said.
“Yea, turns out he’s just a dumb jock after all,” I said. “I’m beat, so I’m just gonna shower and go to bed.”
“Oh, okay,” she said, disappointed. She probably thought I’d want to tell her about the date. I wasn’t going to tell anyone about this date, ever. “Have a good night, sweetie.”
“Night,” I called as I disappeared down the hall.
I hopped into the shower, desperate to wash this night off me. As if that were possible. Now that I was safe, all the emotions my adrenaline had been holding at bay bombarded me. My heart was broken. My pride was wounded. My confidence was shattered. And anger and embarrassment were quarreling for the throne of my central nervous system.
I was so stupid to have let this happen. I was so stupid to fall for Stephen’s charms. He didn’t even like me. He just thought I was an easy lay, some love-struck school girl he could have his way with because he was Homecoming King. I thought I was done with being abused, done with being a target. But that might never change. Men don’t change.
I shouldn’t have let myself get distracted by Stephen. I should have stayed focus, kept my eye on the prize of New York, and this wouldn’t have happened. Only one week left and I was going to New York, I was going to meet Nicholae. Nicholae, I knew. He may be a killer, but he wasn’t a sexist, chauvinist creep.
I tried to tell myself that this could have been worse. Stephen could have succeeded. I could have not stood up to him. But I didn’t feel any better. As far as my self-esteem was concerned, I hadn’t escaped at all.
My phone dinged with an incoming text.
HEY, I’M SORRY. LET’S JUST FORGET THIS HAPPENED. CALL ME.
Rage boiled inside me again. Stephen thought that I would just forgive him, that we could continue like he hadn’t tried to defile me! I hated him. I hated him more than I ever thought I could hate anyone.
Suddenly, something I had been holding inside for a very long time broke free, and tears streamed down my face. I couldn’t think of anything else all night. I cried until my eyes ran dry and I finally fell asleep, only to meet dreams of the nightmares I had lived, replaying over and over in my head.