Theo was aware of a hammering sound. He lifted his head from the pillow and laid it back down quickly. The room spun and he thought he might throw up. The hangover clearly hadn’t finished with him yet. He pulled the duvet up over his naked shoulder and wished whoever was knocking would go away. All he wanted to do was stay there, in his room, hidden from the world. He had nothing to get up for and nothing to look forward to, and it felt easier not to bother. Today, just like every day since he’d received the devastating letter, he woke feeling utterly worthless, unable to shake thoughts of Kitty from his head, wondering how she looked, how she was feeling, whether she knew yet whether she was going to have a little boy or a little girl. His little boy or his little girl. Was she happy?

The same lines went round and round his brain: I’m going to be a father, someone’s father, the father of Kitty’s child, but they’ll never know me and I’ll never know them.

He pictured Kitty and Angus Thompson exchanging duplicitous vows and cooing over the baby. He pictured Angus being the best father, doing all the things he’d wished his own father had done with him; he pictured him teaching the child to ride a bike. It was torturous. But a promise was a promise: he would keep out of Kitty’s life and there would be zero contact. It was best for everyone. It was fruitless to be so preoccupied with it all; he was nothing to Kitty and had absolutely no role to play. After all, what was he to her? Merely the boy she’d sat next to in class. The weirdo.

Depression had locked Theo in an endless cycle of self-doubt with nothing but a bleak dawn to look forward to each day. He hadn’t been to a lecture or even on to the university campus since he’d received the letter. For weeks now he’d ventured no further than the corner shop or the pub. He no longer cared about his degree, or about anything much. Spud had tried to cajole him into going to his tutorials. He’d tried to persuade Theo that letting his studies slip wasn’t going to help anyone and was a terrible waste not only of all the hard graft he’d put in so far, but of the exciting future they’d discussed. But Theo just couldn’t see it.

He rolled over and stuffed his head under the pillow, but the banging on the door didn’t let up. Eventually he sat up, rubbed his face and scoured the floor for some clothes to put on. He could hardly open the door in the nude, even if it was probably only Spud. Spying his dressing gown, he shoved his arms into the armholes and fastened the rope belt around his waist. The banging continued. He cursed the fact that Spud repeatedly forgot his keys.

‘All right! All right! For God’s sake, I’m coming!’

He yanked open the door, but it wasn’t Spud on the step. There, in his trademark navy suit, his expression a mixture of disgust and disappointment, stood his father.

‘It’s three in the afternoon,’ his father said coldly as he studied Theo, all but tapping his watch face with his index finger.

‘Hi, Dad. I know. I...’ He couldn’t think of an excuse quickly enough. ‘Come in.’ He stood back and watched his father’s eyes roam the place. ‘Would you like to sit down?’

‘Where exactly do you suggest I sit?’ His father stared at the sofa, hidden beneath a pile of clothing, sauce-splattered plates, chip wrappers and a stack of study notes.

Theo looked at the mess and felt embarrassed.

‘You look dreadful.’ His father spoke without sympathy.

‘I was just about to shower.’ Theo gave a short laugh, trying to convey that it was no big deal: his greasy hair and unwashed body were easily fixed. He walked over to the kitchen area, lifted a plate from the sink and looked along the crowded countertop, trying to work out where to put it. At a loss, he shoved it back in the sink.

‘You smell like a brewery.’

‘That’ll be the beer.’ He knew this would have made Spud laugh; his father, however, just stared at him.

‘Do you find this funny, Theo? This the sum total of your life on the planet so far? All that money spent on your education and this is it? Living in a shithole and sleeping the day away?’ He turned his gaze slowly and pointedly around the messy room.

‘I...’

‘No, let me finish. An education such as you have had is an investment, a huge outlay by me to make sure you have a future. And if you think this is how I saw my investment performing then you are very much mistaken.’ His father shot his cuffs and jutted his chin. ‘A letter arrived at the house yesterday from UCL.’

Theo looked up.

‘Yes, I already know you have missed assignments and yes, I know that it is likely you will not graduate.’ He shook his head. ‘What a bloody waste! Did you think you could lie to us? Pretend everything was just fine?’

‘N... no, I...’

‘And before you go any further, I was also fascinated to learn that you are no longer studying engineering.’

Theo’s bowels turned to ice. He’d almost forgotten his parents were unaware he’d changed courses.

His dad snorted his disdain. Theo decided not to ask who the letter had been addressed to; it seemed pointless and he felt gutless. He couldn’t cope with the interaction, not today.

‘I... I didn’t want to lie to you, Dad, and I’ve worked really hard up until this year. My grades were good. And then...’ He paused. ‘Things have... kind of fallen apart for me a bit.’ He rubbed his face.

‘What do you expect – sympathy? You’re hardly digging roads – you’re writing bloody essays, sitting in lectures and getting pissed, how hard can it be?’

Too hard for me. Too much for me right now. She’s having my baby, but she didn’t want me, so she went away. ‘It’s hard for me to explain,’ he began, feeling tears pool.

‘Jesus Christ.’ His father ground his teeth and placed his hands on his hips. ‘Get a grip.’

Theo gathered himself. ‘I... I’ve been thinking that maybe I should apply to do the year again, Dad. I can—’

His father held up his palm and cut him short. ‘Oh no, Theo. That is not what happens next. Your student days are over.’

‘But I’m good at it, Dad. I know that if I—’

‘There are no buts! And there’s no more money, no more turning a blind eye to your drinking, your slovenly ways and your bloody deceit. Social fucking policy!’ He was shouting now and Theo was glad Spud was out. ‘I could have predicted this,’ he yelled. ‘You are to pack up your things and come back to Barnes. You’re going to work. You’re going to work hard and you’re going to work for me.’

‘But, Dad, I—’

‘There’s no discussion. That’s it!’ His father lifted his arms and let them fall back by his sides. ‘I expect to see you home by Saturday and if you don’t show up by then, you’re on your own. Is that clear?’

‘Clear,’ Theo managed, feeling powerless, afraid, and humiliated at his dad’s ability to reduce him to this childlike state.

He watched his father navigate the empty lager bottles and full ashtrays on his way to the front door. As he gripped the handle, he turned round to deliver his parting shot. ‘And for God’s sake, shave before your mother sees you.’

*

Theo sat motionless on the sofa and waited for Spud to come home.

‘Oh, well, at least you’re up!’ Spud said chirpily. ‘This is progress indeed. What happened, did you wet the bed?’

In no mood for humour, Theo rushed out the words that had played in his head all afternoon. ‘I... I’ve got to leave, Spud.’

‘Got to leave what?’

‘The flat. Uni. Everything.’

‘What are you talking about, mate?’

‘My dad was here.’ Theo looked down, feeling swamped by the shame of having failed to stand up to his father or be honest with him. ‘He says I have to go and work for him. He knows I’m not going to graduate. They sent a letter to my home address and he opened it.’

Spud sank down on the other end of the sofa. ‘How do you feel about that?’

‘Like a fish in a barrel. I can’t see a way out.’

‘It’ll be okay, mate.’ Spud gave him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. ‘You’re in a bad place right now and maybe this is what you need.’

‘How?’ Theo raised his voice, angry not at his friend but at the feeling of utter hopelessness that engulfed him. ‘How is this what I need?’

‘As much as I don’t want you to go, right now you’re so close to the edge, you’re only just surviving. Some structure might be good for you, give you something else to think about. There has to be more for you than this, Theo,’ Spud said softly.

Theo nodded, unable to voice exactly how he felt or what he needed.

* * *

Stella Montgomery poured the thick black coffee into the china mug and set it on the breakfast bar. ‘This is such an exciting day, darling!’ she trilled.

Her cheerful tone grated on Theo’s nerves. ‘It is?’ He bit into his toast and loosened the tie at his neck. It was three years since he’d worn a collar and tie and he’d forgotten how much it felt like he was being strangled.

‘Daddy is very excited about taking you to work.’

‘He has a funny way of showing it.’ Theo sipped his coffee. ‘And you make it sound like a day out, an adventure, but it’s my whole life we’re talking about here.’

‘It is your life, of course, but it’s right that you take an interest in the business that will be yours one day. And there’s no better time to start than the present.’ She lit her cigarette and took a deep drag, leaning back against the countertop. ‘There are a million boys who would give their eyeteeth to be in your shoes! Goodness me, a lovely job with your father, and a lovely home here. There’s no reason for you to feel fed up. And let’s not forget that you failed university. It’s not as if you have a stellar academic career beckoning – you didn’t even finish!’ She turned and flicked her ash into the sink and ran the tap to dispose of the evidence.

Her words were like a punch to the gut for Theo. ‘I know I went off the rails a bit, Mum. I... I’ve been really low – not just fed up but... There was this...’ Theo stopped himself right there as the memory of his mother’s cruel laughter that night at La Grande Belle filled his head. She wouldn’t understand about Kitty; he couldn’t bear it if she trivialised how he felt and once again laughed away his upset. Better to stick to more neutral ground. ‘I loved my course. I had a plan, kind of. I wanted to work in housing policy – you know, do something relevant – and I wanted to carry on living with Spud, my friend.’

He fought back his emotion at the mention of Spud, who’d looked so downcast as he’d taken down his posters and packed up his case ready for a new bloke to move in. A bloke like Wilson, or Angus Thompson or his half-brother Alexander, a decent bloke who’d be fun to be around and wouldn’t lie in bed feeling sad the whole time. A bloke who would graduate and flourish. A bloke who would one day make a brilliant dad. Not a weirdo.

‘What kind of a name is Spud?’

Theo finished his coffee and left the room, hating how Spud’s name was the one thing his mum had taken from that conversation. Was this to be his life? This half life, doing what his parents told him instead of following his heart? Once he set foot in Villiers House, in this suit, he’d be as good as clocking on for life, and that would be that.

‘What the fuck are you doing?’ he asked the grey face that stared back at him in the bathroom mirror. Not for the first time, he wished he was someone else. He turned over the lapel of his suit jacket and pinned his fishing fly to the underside, just as Mr Porter had done all those years ago. He ran his finger over the delicate green and blue feathers and the square red bead. ‘I’m sorry, Mr Porter. Sorry I didn’t fight harder for you, sorry I didn’t stand up for you. If I had that time again—’

A knock on the door made him jump.

‘Leaving in five!’ his father called, on his way down the stairs.

Theo bent forward and rested his forehead on the cold glass. ‘I keep waiting for my life to begin. And just when I think it might, I’m hauled back to the start line. What would you say, Mr Porter? What would you say to make it all better?’

He closed his eyes and stood like that for a while, letting the cool glass chill his head, until his mother called from downstairs.

‘Darling! Daddy’s getting in the car!’

* * *

‘So what’s your role exactly?’ Spud shouted as he speared the scampi, dipped it in tartare sauce and forked it into his mouth. The music was too loud to allow for easy conversation, just as the lighting was too low to allow you to fully see the grimy residue on the tabletop or the matted stickiness on the carpet tiles.

Theo rubbed his palms together. ‘I don’t really know.’

‘You don’t know?’ Spud laughed uproariously. ‘Only you, Theo, son, could have a job and not know what it is.’

‘Well, I mean, obviously I know the title. I am currently in the valuation department in an assistant, junior, valuation role.’ He sipped his warm pint.

‘Sounds interesting.’

Theo ran his hand through his hair. He couldn’t joke about it. He was still too raw at having messed up and been forced down a route not of his choosing. It felt like he’d been knocked out of a race at the last hurdle and it hurt.

‘You should be happy you have a job and that you’re not in an industry Thatcher’s bent on dismantling. Plus it seems like the routine suits you – at least you’re not sleeping the day away any more.’

‘I guess. And I am feeling a bit better. There are days, though—’

‘Oh, mate, there will always be days.’ Spud, as ever, spoke wisely. ‘Graduation was a bit of an event. My mum, dad, nan, sister and her bloke all came down, but we were only allowed two tickets so Mum and Nan sat with me and the others stood at the back of the hall. Mine was the only family to cheer when I went up to get my scroll.’ He shook his head, clearly chuffed.

‘Quite right too.’ Theo liked that Spud hadn’t shied away from discussing graduation like most people would have. Instead he’d brought it up early on, so that once aired they didn’t need to feel embarrassed about it any more.

‘I’m looking at doing telesales in some grubby office block on Tottenham Court Road. Commission only and proper shitty, but it’ll pay the rent, I hope.’ Spud grinned. ‘And fingers crossed it won’t be for too long, just till I figure out how I’m going to fund my master’s.’

It had taken Theo years to fully comprehend that for most people there was a direct correlation between money and opportunities and that if you lacked the former you would likely have far fewer of the latter. But Spud had never held that against him. ‘God, you’re going to be one of these eternal bloody students while the rest of us work for a living!’ Theo slapped the table and used his dad’s voice.

The two of them laughed.

Theo sipped his pint. ‘I sometimes feel like everything I want and everything I think will bring me fulfilment is dangling just out of reach.’ He recalled the feel of Kitty’s skin against his fingertips. ‘Can I ask you something, Spud?’

‘If it was anyone else, I’d probably say “no” to that question, as I’d expect it to be followed by a demand for cash, but as you’re loaded, I’m going to go ahead and say yes, fire away.’ He grinned and chased a chip around his plate to catch the last few breadcrumbs.

‘Are you happy?’

‘Right now?’

Theo shrugged. ‘Not only right now but in general. Do you wake up happy? It always seemed like you did.’

‘No, I usually wake up hungover in my pants and with a mouth like a badger’s arse.’

‘God, please can we just have one serious conversation!’ He took a breath. ‘I feel like... I feel like everyone else has got life sussed while I’m still trying to figure it all out. And it’s not new – I’ve always felt like this. Even when I was young, it was like I couldn’t work out how to be around other people or be like other people. I’d watch boys in my year planning for the weekend, the next break, the following term – always looking ahead and comfortable, as if life was a travellator and all they had to do was stand on it and grab whatever they passed, whatever took their fancy. But for me...’ He looked up as someone in the corner laughed. ‘I struggled just trying to figure out the day ahead and I couldn’t look any further and if I did I could only see more of the same, nothing good.’

The edge to his voice made Spud sit up straight and place the fork flat on the plate. ‘Am I happy?’ He considered this, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. ‘I think so. I mean, I’m not unhappy, so I suppose I must be happy.’

The two men looked at each other.

‘But is that enough?’ Theo asked. ‘To say your life is satisfactory because you’re not unhappy – is that enough?’

‘I think you might be overthinking things. And...’ He paused and stared into his pint. ‘And I think you might still be a bit depressed.’

Theo glanced up at him, noting the way Spud avoided his gaze. He guessed it had taken a lot for his friend to say this. ‘Possibly, but I’ve always felt this way. Like I’m waiting for my good times to start, as if I might go round the next bend and see a big neon sign with “Get your happiness here!” – a destination that I will arrive at. But instead, no matter how far I travel, it feels like there are only more bends.’

The music quieted, as if giving Spud the floor. He leant in with his elbows on the table. ‘So maybe you’ve always been a bit depressed. Is that possible too?’

Theo shrugged. ‘I guess. But are people actually born like that, is that what you think? Or did it start when I got to school and the shit began to hit the fan?’

Spud took a big slurp of his pint and wiped the froth off his lips. ‘I honestly don’t know. But I do think a lot of it is about expectations. As you know, I come from Wigan and my dad’s been a miner at the Golborne pit all his life – though it looks like that’ll be coming to an end very soon, thanks to Maggie. As kids we were just happy that he had a job, happy that we got proper hot dinners. When I was eleven, ten miners were killed in an explosion down the mine and we were happy that Dad wasn’t one of them. Right now my family is happy that I’ve been to university and that they got a day out in London to watch me graduate. I don’t try to look too far ahead.’ He downed the rest of his beer and placed the empty glass on the table. ‘You, Theo, son, have had one hell of a lucky life. I’m not knocking you for it.’ He held up his palm. ‘You were no more able to control where and to whom you were born than I was. I also know that the shit with Kitty has knocked you for six, but I think sometimes—’

‘You think sometimes what?’

Spud wiggled his tongue up around his gum, freeing bits of scampi that had got caught. ‘Sometimes I think you’re looking for perfect where perfect doesn’t exist. It’s important you look at what you’ve got and not at what you haven’t.’

Theo raised his eyebrows and looked at his friend. ‘I hear what you’re saying, but I had such a crap childhood that I think it might have damaged my ability to feel happy. It’s like my calibration is out.’

‘Then you need to find a way to recalibrate yourself, mate, or you’re going to have an unhappy adulthood as well. And in my opinion that would be a bloody shame.’ Spud picked up his empty pint glass and stood. ‘Same again?’