Day sixteen…

As usual, Sergei is gone all day long. Even worse, I’m confined to my bedroom and I’m not allowed out to see my cousins. I haven’t been allowed to see them since the news conference. A maid brings in my breakfast and lunch.

I’m furious. They need me. Sergei punished me so much I screamed and cried. What more does he want? What the hell does he care whether or not I see them during the day?

He doesn’t, of course. He doesn’t care about anyone or anything. It’s all about control. I challenged him – quietly, respectfully, without his men hearing me, but still, I openly disobeyed an order and I won a skirmish. He’s got to strike back ten times as hard, and by attacking the only thing that still matters to me in this world, he’s certainly succeeding.

Mid-day, I look out my window and I see Lukas and his caretakers standing next to a climbing structure on the back lawn. Lukas is leaning on the ladder. He’s not smiling or laughing. He’s not crying. He’s just there.

A prisoner of Sergei’s cruel, stupid whims, just like me. Just like all of us.

That evening, around six p.m., I am summoned to dinner. I don a white linen dress with lace insets, and a pair of espadrilles.

My aunt is not at dinner, of course. Helenka and Yuri are. They’re sitting between Jasha and Slavik. Lukas and his caretakers aren’t there. Sergei has set all this up to piss me off. To hurt me.

“Willow, come sit next to us!” Helenka looks at Maks. She scowls at him. “Can you move?” she says, with a snap of impatience. “I want to sit next to my cousin.”

“Yes, come over here!” Yuri calls out. “I want to tell you about my science camp project.”

“Now, now,” Sergei calls out to them, sounding like a calm, wise patriarch chastising his children. “We don’t want to have to re-set the whole table, do we? My maid worked hard on this.”

“Well, then your maid isn’t very smart. Why would she have us sitting between two men we don’t know instead of our family?” Helenka meets Sergei’s gaze, fearless. That’s because she doesn’t know him. Doesn’t know what pure evil is capable of.

A wave of despair washes over me. I love her so much. She’s such a strong little girl, so smart, so brave. And in this world, it will be her undoing.

Sergei shoots her a disapproving look and his tone goes cooler. “I thought your father would have raised you with better manners. Apparently he couldn’t afford to send you to etiquette school. We’ll leave the arrangements as they are.”

I give Sergei a look of utter contempt, and he arches an eyebrow as he gestures at me to sit next to him.

Tonight we’re eating some kind of pasta dish. The kids have spaghetti and meatballs, which I know they love. That’s Sergei all over; punishing and kind. I am learning to live with him treating me that way, but the fact that he’s doing it to my cousins has taken things to a whole new level.

This had better stop soon. He’s pushing me to a point where even I don’t know what I’ll do. My fear is draining from me; I’m starting to feel dangerous, to myself and everyone around me.

“Hello, Sergei, I thought you said that I’d get some time to see Lukas too.” I smile sweetly while gritting my teeth.

He looks politely puzzled. “Did I say that? I don’t recall saying that. You asked me, and I didn’t reply at the time. I think he’s better off the way things are.”

He gestures at the pasta in front of me. “But you’re not eating! You don’t want to hurt my chef’s feelings, do you?”

“My goodness, Sergei, I had no idea you were concerned about anyone’s feelings.” I take a small bite of the pasta.

I avoid his gaze, looking at Helenka and winking at her as I eat, to make her laugh. Yuri grins at me and does that thing that drives me nuts – sticking his tongue out at me with food in his mouth.

I want to hug them. My need to be with them is a physical ache.

I can’t believe he’s still punishing me like this.

Should I have just let well enough alone with Lukas? Sacrificed one child’s wellbeing for that of my family?

I felt pity before when Sergei gave me some insight into his horrible childhood. He’s been cold, hungry, afraid, seen people die. But the pity is draining from me, replaced by disgust and fury.

He suffered as a child. So did lots of people. Most of them don’t grow up to be sadistic control-freak assholes.

“How’s the dinner?” he asks, relentless, grinding into me.

I take an enormous swig of wine from the goblet sitting next to me. I’m sure it’s of a fine vintage; it tastes like vinegar to me, and I can barely choke it down.

“You always hire the best of everything. That includes your chef.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

I give him a nasty smile without a trace of submission to it. “No, it doesn’t, does it?”

Helenka suddenly stands up and runs around the table toward me. Jasha looks questioningly at Sergei, who doesn’t react. She reaches me and throws her arms around me.

Then she slides onto my lap.

We sit there for a very short time. Sergei hates being defied. He is so angry that I can feel it, a thick fog that makes my food taste bitter. I enjoy Helenka’s presence as much as I can. Helenka shouts across the table to Yuri, who laughs.

“That’s enough,” Sergei says abruptly. “Dinner is over.”

Helenka looks at me, about to protest, but I just shake my head.

“Remember what I taught you,” I tell her.

We’ve had conversations like this before. We’ve talked about strategy, how to survive in a family like ours.

Discretion is the better part of valor.

“I hate what you taught me,” she says, her eyes flashing with anger.

“Apologize to your cousin,” Sergei says coldly.

I look at him. “I hate what I taught her too. No child should ever have to learn the things she’s learned. There’s no need for her to apologize.”

More defiance. The hell with it. Rage is making me reckless.

One of the maids who’s been standing up against the wall waiting for a command approaches us. Helenka tenses and glares up at her.

“Go now,” I tell her. “I love you. I’ll see you soon.”

Helenka shoots a look of disgust at Sergei, and then she lets the woman lead her and Yuri out of the room, their dinner half eaten.

“You. Now,” Sergei snaps, and I follow him down the hallway.

We go into my bedroom.

I’m choking on my own fury. I thought I knew what feeling helpless was like before; being forcibly kept from my own family like this is a nightmare I never imagined. “I already know what your next move is going to be. Sir. Because your childish sadism is predictable. You’re going to make us eat dinner separately from now on.”

He slaps me so hard my ears ring, and I stagger back a step.

I am so filled with rage that I barely feel the pain. “Is that all you’ve got?” I yell. “Weak little pussy! You’re angry because you were outwitted by a little girl!”

He slaps me again, and now my lip is bleeding.

I straighten up. “Of all the disgusting things I thought about you, I never thought you’d be the type to hurt children.” I am taking a stab in the dark, but I have a feeling that this is another one of those trigger points for him.

“I am not hurting a child! You’re hurting them by being a stubborn bitch!” He slaps me again, so hard that I fall to my knees, my ears ringing.

“And now you’re lying to yourself.” I glare up at him from the floor. “That’s something a coward does, because he’s afraid of the truth.”

“Call me a coward again.” He reaches down, grabs me by the throat.

“You’re a fucking weak, child-abusing, cowardly little whore.” I scream it at the top of my lungs. I know how much danger I’m in. What does it matter? If I can’t be with Helenka and Yuri, if I can’t protect them from this man, I have nothing. I am worth nothing.

I never thought I’d say it, but without them, what reason do I have to live?

His hands start to close on my neck. My vision turns red; I claw at his hands. He’s really going to kill me. I summon up my self-defense lessons from college, and I manage to kick him in the crotch. His hands release me and he falls back away from me. I gasp for air.

He staggers away. His eyes have gone almost black. He goes mad, rampaging through the room, throwing lamps, punching holes in the walls, shredding pictures. I watch in astonishment, detached, as if it’s happening on a TV screen.

Sergei is a raging beast. Blood streams from his hands as he punches a mirror. He’s roaring like a wounded lion.

I should run, but I can barely move. The room is swimming and I’ve got double vision.

He stops, finally, and shakes his head. He looks around in bewilderment. He stumbles back to me. I’ve never seen this look in his eyes before. I’m kneeling on the floor, and he’s towering over me.

“Don’t ever do that again,” he says to me.

“Fuck you,” I spit at him. “Big, brave man, strangling a woman. You didn’t finish the job. Because you’re weak and afraid.”

He actually sinks down to his knees – and I see tears in his eyes.

He puts his shaking hand on my face, and to my utter self-disgust, a wave of arousal washes over me again. I could not possibly hate myself more than I do at this moment.

I still want him. I am disgusting. I am lower than worms.

“Please,” he rasps. “I am asking you. I am begging you. Do not do that to me again. Do not provoke me. Sometimes I go into a place where I don’t…where I can’t stop myself. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve killed people when I’m like that.” He hesitates. “That is why I don’t have you sleep with me. One of the reasons. Because I have nightmares. I broke a woman’s jaw once while she was sleeping next to me.”

Another woman was sleeping next to him? The jealousy that I feel is irrational and proves I’ve completely, utterly lost all self-respect. And my mind.

He cups my jaw in his hand. Gentle Sergei is back. “Do you see? Don’t ever do that again. Promise me.”

I take a deep, shuddery breath, and I realize I’m crying.

“I can’t promise anything. You’ve pushed me too far.”

He shuts his eyes and shudders like he’s afraid. Then he looks at me again, and his face is twisted with fear, as if he’s staring into an abyss.

“Willow, I care about you. Is that what you want to hear? You are reshaping me into something that I don’t even recognize. If I kill you, it will be like killing myself. But I may not be able to stop myself. You know how to call up the beast in me, and the beast cannot be controlled. Promise me you won’t do it again.” His tone is urgent. Desperate.

I refuse to give him what he’s asking for. Any control that I have here, I will keep for myself. “If you care about me, then why do you keep hurting me? Every fucking time you open yourself up to me the tiniest bit, you have to come back at me ten times as hard.”

“Because this is what I am. You knew that from the moment you first saw me, and yet you keep trying to…heal me. Fix me. Make me feel things that would weaken me until I die.”

A storm of emotions is raging through me. He’s telling me all the things that I’ve been craving…but is it too late?

“Having normal human feelings won’t weaken you, for God’s sake. Top mob bosses have wives and children and still manage to function just fine. It’s just an excuse.”

“Being this way is how I live. I don’t know any other way. It’s far too late for me to change.” He’s staring off into the distance.

Surely if he’s opened up to me like this, then I can reach the tender side of him, the one that must be there? Nobody is pure evil – are they? I don’t want Sergei to be all bad. He must have at least a little spark of good burning deep inside. Oh, please.

“Sergei, take it out on me if you want, but please don’t take it out on the children. Let me see them. If you let me see them, I’ll do anything you want. I will promise never to push you again. I’ll speak to you like a meek little mouse. I’ll be your slave.”

He focuses on me, but he’s still dazed and only halfway there. “I like it when you fight me. I love your fire.”

“Oh, for God’s sake!” I shout furiously. “You don’t know what the hell you want, do you?”

“I want what I can’t have.” He buries his face in his hand and groans. “I want you.” I feel a swell of frustration and despair, and I want to weep. Why couldn’t he have said that weeks ago?

He moves forward to kiss me.

But he’s not giving an inch on the children.

I slide back.

“Oh no, Sergei. We’re done. If you want to force yourself on me, I will lie there and take it because you are physically stronger than me. I used to love it when you fucked me. You like hearing me say dirty words, don’t you? Motherfucker. Yes, I loved it when you kissed me. When you touched me. But when you dragged my cousins into this mess and didn’t even have the balls to admit it, you made me sick to my stomach. So if you’re into necrophilia, go ahead, because you’re basically going to be fucking a dead body.”

He gives me a blank look, nods, and gets up. He shuts the door behind him very gently.

I crawl to my bed and lie there. I am dizzy and my ears are still ringing and it hurts to swallow.

A nurse in pink scrubs comes in a little while later. I sit up carefully and glare at her as she approaches the bed.

“What’s it like working for a monster?” I snap.

She looks at me coolly. “How adorable that you assume I have a choice.”

Of course. That’s Sergei, the black hole, sucking people into his world of darkness.

I should feel ashamed of myself, but right now I’m saving all my pity for myself and my family.

She makes me stand up and take a few steps. She shines a penlight in my eyes to check my pupils. She runs me through various neurological tests like I’m a stroke victim – smile, hold both my arms out in front of me – checking for signs of one-sided weakness. She tests my grip strength. She takes my blood pressure, checks my pulse.

Then she hands me two pills. “Painkiller,” she says. “And antibiotic. For the split lip. The mouth is a hotbed of nasty germs, so you’ll take one of these twice a day for the next ten days.” She gives me a glass of water. I take the antibiotic and hand back the painkiller.

“No, thank you. I don’t want anything that will make me dopey.”

“If you refuse the pill, I will have to tell Sergei.”

I shake my head wearily. Everything about that is just so…Sergei. Hurting me and then healing me. Only sending me one pill – in case I either try to kill myself by overdose or hoard the pills for whatever reason. Having the nurse report back to him.

“Knock yourself out,” I mumble.

I go lie down on the bed with my back toward her.

“I have a better idea,” she says, and then I feel a sharp pain in my right butt cheek as she jabs me with a needle.

“Youuuu bbbbbbiiiishhh…” I try to sit up, woozy.

I wake up nine hours later, with my head foggy and throbbing.

I stumble to the bathroom and I start when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My face is swollen and I am wearing a necklace of bruises. My head pounds. I drink water to rinse the foul taste from my mouth, and when I spit the water out it makes my lip bleed. It hurts to swallow.

It’s the afternoon of day seventeen. Thirteen more days. I have to believe he’ll keep his word and let me go at the end of the thirty days.

But what about my cousins? Will he let them go?

He has no reason to let them go. It’s not good strategy.

My heart sinks at the thought. As long as he’s got them, he’s got me.