Chapter Fifteen
Well, Julian thought to himself, that ought to have done it.
Pausing just long enough to remove his gloves and retrieve the pistol he’d stashed behind a loose stone, Julian jammed the weapon in his trouser waistband and set off down the street. He kept his steps light, forced himself to maintain a steady, deliberate pace. He didn’t want to be too hard to catch. Being caught was rather the point, after all.
He’d been preparing for this night all week. Astonishing—and rather lowering—to realize how little he’d needed to arrange at his home. His offices had presented a greater challenge. He’d led his employees to understand he’d be taking a journey to inspect the mills. That bought him a few weeks’ time. If he didn’t manage to return, in a few weeks’ time or ever … well, he’d left instructions with his solicitor. Someone would eventually find them.
As for Lily …
He couldn’t think about Lily now. And so long as he lived with the specter of murder hovering over him, he would never be able to think about her. After that waltz and her words—those miraculous words; so incomprehensible, he could have mistaken them for phrases in a foreign language, or the utterances of a mystic speaking in tongues—he’d been tempted to reconsider the whole plan. But it was too late. Events had been set in motion. He had to resolve this, for good or ill, if he had any hope of a future at all, much less a future that included Lily.
He would do it, Julian vowed. If Lily offered him love, he would give his all. He would solve this mystery. He would somehow fix everything, find the answers, redeem his every stupid mistake. He’d crawl through an ocean of broken glass just to hold her again, and hear her speak those words against his ear.
His ear caught a less pleasing sound just now. He’d nearly reached the end of the block, and a burst of noise arrested him where he stood. Footsteps clattered on the pavement, accelerating with purpose as they neared.
That hadn’t taken long.
He steeled himself, putting one hand to the pistol at his hip. The thing wasn’t even loaded. He needed answers, not a murder charge. He had no intention of shooting his would-be assassin. Yet.
“Julian! Julian, wait.”
No. By everything holy, no.
His heart crashed to his boots as he wheeled around to find not an assailant, but Lily rushing to his side.
“Lily, what the devil are you doing?”
“I’m coming with you,” she said, breathless. “If you’re determined to commit social suicide, I can’t stop you. But I’m coming with you. You’re not leaving me behind.”
Jesus. What did he do now? Julian grasped her by both shoulders and moved her to one side, looking past her to see if anyone had watched her leave.
“Have we been spotted?” she asked, intuiting his purpose. “I hope so.” She threw herself at him, flinging her arms around his neck. The pistol clattered to the pavement. “Compromise me. Leave no doubt. Let them see us together, and no one will think to object.”
He pushed her away to ask, “Lily, have you gone mad?”
“Mad for you.” With that, she planted a kiss on his mouth, ripe and bold and sensual. Julian’s head spun, and his knees went weak. She wanted him. Lily wanted him. More than that, she wanted to be his.
“A kiss won’t be enough.” She disentangled her arms from his neck. “We need more.”
Her hands went to her bodice. “There’s a fraying seam,” she said, running her fingers over her bosom in tantalizing fashion. “Ah—just here.” She worked her finger into a little gap and pulled, ripping the bodice and exposing one corseted breast to the night. “There. Now you’ve ravished me, you beast.” Smiling, she turned to look over her shoulder. “Are they coming yet?”
God. To her, this was all a game. “You have no idea what you’re doing. You’re in danger, every moment we stand here.”
“What, because of that scene you caused inside?”
Yes, because of that scene he’d caused inside. And because of the scenes he’d been inspiring all week long, in different venues. He’d made pointed remarks at the clubs, hinting at all his past sins. He’d taken jokes too far, beyond every boundary of well-meant humor. He’d even arranged for newspaper articles in which he claimed to be writing a salacious memoir. All his secrets would be revealed, he’d said, lamenting that he had but one thrilling experience missing from his life’s tale—a daybreak duel in St. James Park.
And though he doubted his would-be killer to be one of his paramours’ husbands, tonight he’d taken the extra step of enraging them as well. He’d done everything he could think of to provoke his enemy to action, and then he’d provided the perfect opportunity for him to strike. All London knew he would be attending this assembly tonight, and when he left it, he would be walking home alone. He’d all but painted a target on his waistcoat.
And now Lily had attached herself to his chest.
His eyes scanned the street. Everywhere he looked, darkness menaced. Shadows took creeping, malevolent shapes. His ears made a threat of every rustle and snap.
Cold sweat broke out on the back of his neck. He had to get her out of here.
Like a chariot sent from heaven above, a hackney cab turned the corner and started down their block. Julian hailed it and, without conversation, hefted Lily inside before the thing had even fully come to a stop. For an instant, he considered giving her address to the driver and sending her home alone—but then she might demand to be let out God-knows-where and return to this very spot again. In the past few days, Lily seemed to have added a few extra vertebrae to her already formidable spine.
Clearly, the only way to make sure this new, audacious version of Lily arrived home safe was to take her there himself. So regardless of who might be following him—following them—Julian barked the address at the driver and climbed into the cab.
The cab’s interior was dark and cold as a tomb. He’d barely settled himself on the seat when Lily landed in his lap. The coach lurched into motion, throwing them together. He reflexively grabbed her bared arms to steady her. His fingers slid over skin dotted with gooseflesh. It was cold, and she’d left her wrap behind. He slid his palms up and down her arms, trying to warm her. He needed to warm her, and desperately. Because now that he’d noted the little bumps on her arms, he could not help but notice the twin darts of her hardened nipples pressing against his chest. As the carriage rumbled over the cobbled streets, too many enticing parts of her jounced and rubbed against frantic parts of him.
“Julian,” she said huskily, “you were right the other morning. You know me so well. I’m not made for illicit affaires, all that sneaking around to avoid discovery.” In the dark, her hands crept up his shoulders, then his face. Her fingers teased through his hair. “Why should we hide at all? Let all London see us together. I don’t care what anyone says or thinks. I love you, and I want the world to know.”
He wanted to weep. For joy, for frustration. She was so brave, his beautiful Lily, and the situation was so damned unfair. It wasn’t her fault that she made these heartrending declarations at a moment when their lives were probably in danger and he couldn’t possibly reciprocate. That fault was his, for choosing to live the way he had and making the decisions he’d made. He didn’t deserve her, didn’t deserve her love. He most certainly didn’t merit these warm brushes of her lips against his skin. But damned if he could bring himself to stop them.
“We’re in love, Julian. Isn’t it wonderful?”
“No,” he murmured as she kissed him again. “It’s not wonderful. It’s a disaster.”
Her lips grazed his jaw, then his throat. “I can feel you speaking, and I know you’re probably making some valiant protest. But you know I can’t hear those words. Your body is making an altogether different argument, and I’m listening to it.” Her fingers crept inside his waistcoat, splaying over the thin lawn of his shirt. “Take your heart, for example.”
Yes, take it. Take it and keep it, always.
“It’s pounding so fiercely. Just battering my hand. What a wonder it is. I worry that your ribs may not contain all that vigor and emotion. And your breath …” She raised her fingers to his mouth, tracing his lips with a slow, gentle touch. He fought the urge to nip at her fingers, suck their silk-gloved tips into his mouth. “Your breath is coming so fast.” She put a hand to his voice box. “Was that a groan?”
Of course it was. She was driving him fair insane with desire. His erection swelled against her thigh.
“And your hands …” She slid one hand down his arm, until her gloved fingers covered his bare ones where they clutched the edge of the seat. “They’re trembling, just a little bit. Because you’re just a little bit frightened. It’s all right, Julian. I’m scared, too. I’m not fond of the dark. I hate not being able to hear or see. But I know I’m safe with you.”
“No, you aren’t, Lily. You’re not safe with me, not tonight. Even now, there could be someone following—”
Insensible to his objection, she spoke over him. “And I’m beginning to appreciate, in the absence of sight, a heightened sense of touch is exquisite compensation. I want to touch you everywhere.”
She smoothed her hands over his shoulders and chest, exploring every ridge and plane, skimming down to the rippled surface of his tensed abdomen.
Lower, his basest instincts urged her. Lower. Put your hands on me there.
She did him one better. Taking leverage from the seat back, she repositioned herself so that she straddled his lap. As she nestled snug against his groin, her breath tickled his ear. “I should have cornered you in a darkened space years ago. I know you want me, Julian. Your body’s telling me so, in no uncertain terms.”
She didn’t know. She couldn’t possibly know how long and how fiercely he’d wanted her. How crudely, and in how many strange contortions of limbs. To demonstrate, he slid both hands to her hips and rocked her pelvis against his, stroking delicious friction over his rampant arousal. She gasped. He moaned, desperate for more. More pleasure from her body, more sweet promises from her lips. More Lily.
She caught his hand and brought it to her breast, now popped free of her corset entirely, positioning his thumb directly over the puckered knot of her nipple. Her tone was coy, seductive. “What does my body tell you, I wonder?”
Her breast molded to the shape of his hand. The soft globe warmed in his palm. Still, her nipple protruded against his thumb, tangible proof of her arousal.
“It tells me I’m lost,” he muttered, lowering his head to her breast. “It tells me I’m weak and shameless and completely, utterly damned.”
His mouth closed around her nipple, and the darkness exploded with stars. Lily’s mouth fell open in shock and delight. He kneaded the soft weight of her breast with his fingers, pulling the peak deeper into his mouth. She curled one hand into his hair, holding him to her as he licked and loved the sensitive tip.
“Yes,” she said. “Julian, yes. Don’t stop.”
He moaned. She could feel the sound, humming tight around her nipple. The vibrations sent joy shimmering through her veins. Then he pursed his lips and suckled hard, tugging on a cord that seemed to start at her nipple and end right between her thighs. Little bursts of pleasure detonated with every flickering swipe of his tongue. Oh, it was true what everyone said. He was wicked with that mouth. Depraved, and she loved it.
The firm ridge of his manhood pressed against her inner thigh, and she wriggled in his lap to center herself. Now when she ground her hips, his hard length rubbed against her sex—there. Just there, in the perfect place. That perfect, beautiful, necessary place.
His hand tightened on her backside, and he guided her into a rhythm. His hips rode the swaying motions of the cab, lifting and thrusting against her as the wheels rumbled over cobbled streets.
Lily was soaring. Rocketing higher and higher with every wave of delicious sensation.
Oh, dear. Oh, God. She was going to—Right here in the hack, she was going to—
“Julian—”
He gave her no escape. He bucked faster, pressed tighter, suckled harder. Pleasure consumed her. It was too much, too much. Then not quite enough.
And then suddenly, it was everything.
She did not come softly. The climax hit with a spectacular crash of pleasure, receded, then returned with greater power than before. Through it all, he moved against her, relentless, wringing pulse after pulse of ecstasy from her body. For long moments afterward she shuddered with pleasure, then finally went soft with bliss, slumping against his chest.
“Julian, that was …” The mental search for superlatives exhausted her. “I have no words.” She felt certain she must have cried out something as she’d reached her peak, but she couldn’t even muster the energy to blush.
He gathered her in his arms, kissing his way from her breast to her throat. His lips covered hers, and he took her mouth hungrily, thrusting deep with his tongue. Reminding her that while her needs had been satisfied, his had not.
One strong, deft hand went to her thigh, rucking up the heavy folds of her skirts and sliding beneath to skim her stockinged leg and then her bared, still-quivering thigh. She rose up on her knees a little bit, giving him better access. His fingers went straight to her sex. He cupped her mound, petting lightly. His thumb stroked over her engorged, still-sensitive bud, and she trembled with a delicious aftershock. She was flushed with heat and oh-so-damp down there, and his fingers slipped easily between her folds. He slid a finger inside her.
This time, he was the one shuddering. Her intimate muscles embraced the tender invasion, clasping eagerly and drawing him deeper still. The thought flitted across her mind to be embarrassed, but from the increased vigor of his kisses and the throbbing pulse of his arousal against her thigh, she could tell he liked what he felt.
She wanted to feel him, too. She tugged off her gloves and let them fall where they would. Scooting back on his thigh, she reached for the thick bulge tenting his trousers. She stroked him through the fabric with one hand while she sought the buttons of his fall with the other, eager to touch and explore. He’d given her such indescribable pleasure. She wasn’t certain she had the expertise to return the favor in any commensurate magnitude, but she was determined to try. If it took several go-rounds, so be it. It would be no sacrifice.
He kissed her feverishly, delving deeper with his fingers while she set her own shaking hands to the task of working loose buttons. She managed two, then three. Enough to slide her fingers into the gap. Her first impression was that of scorching heat, radiating from his body. She pushed aside the wadded fabric of his tucked shirt. Beneath, she found only skin, sleek and taut. Did he always go without smallclothes? So very naughty. She nipped at his bottom lip, smiling in the dark.
He flinched a little—ticklish, perhaps—when she traced the crease between his thigh and torso. She followed that vulnerable curve to a springy thatch of hair, which felt much like hers. And then a thick, ridged column of heat that was completely different from anything she’d ever touched. She skimmed one fingertip along his length. So curious, how the skin moved with her touch. Like a swatch of rumpled velvet, stretched over steel. She marveled at the idea that this belonged inside her, this hot, intriguing combination of softness and strength.
Suddenly, he tore his mouth from hers. His head dropped back against the seat. His breath came as great clouds of vapor that caught what meager light filtered into the cab.
Yes, this was strength. Not just the quite-evident potency beneath her fingertips, but her feminine power over him. With the restrictive cut of his trouser fall and the fact that she hadn’t loosed all the closures, she couldn’t quite curl her hand around his girth. But she stroked up and down, just lightly, and leaned forward to kiss his neck. And he simply lay there, helpless to resist.
Until the coach stopped, calling a halt to everything.
Lily pressed her forehead to his chest, laughing a little. Well, perhaps it was best they continued from here inside. In a bed.
He withdrew his fingers from her cleft and re-draped the folds of her skirts down over her legs. Then he pulled her hand from his trousers and brought it to his lips for a kiss.
There was a little light now, filtering in from the street lamps. She could just make out her name on his lips, and a few mystery words besides. Sliding off his lap, she fixed her gown as best she could, tucking her well-loved breast back into the cup of her stays. She plucked a hairpin from her upsweep and used it to gather the torn edges of her bodice before Julian alighted and handed her down.
Arm in arm, they hurried up the steps. Lily floated, scarcely feeling the stone beneath her slippers. She couldn’t wait to get upstairs and continue where they’d left off.
When they reached the landing, she paused before rapping on the door. “Why doesn’t the hack driver leave?”
Julian held back. “He’s waiting for me. I asked him to stay.”
Suddenly, she wasn’t floating any longer, just … hollow inside. Surely those words were just a trick of the flickering lamplight. He couldn’t mean to leave her. Not considering what had just happened in that carriage—and more to the point, what hadn’t happened yet, for him.
“I have to go,” he said. “You don’t understand. Someone wants to kill me.”
“Someone wants to kill you?” she repeated. “Well, I want to make love to you. My goodness, Julian. With two such compelling alternatives, however will you choose?”
“I can’t be seen going into your house. I must leave you here, at the door.”
She took a deep breath and forced herself to be calm. “Julian, look around you.” She turned a pointed, slow gaze around the deserted square. “There is no one following us. No threat to your life or mine. No danger, unless you go in search of it. Don’t leave me tonight. Come to my bed, make love to me, and stay safe the whole night through.”
“I can’t do that. I’ve already done too much. I can’t engage you in a sordid affaire.”
“This is love. Love isn’t sordid. And I’ve already told you, I want more than just an affaire.”
“What, marriage?” He seemed to choke on the word. “To me? Lily, we are from completely different worlds. I shouldn’t have to remind you of that. You saw my childhood—the best part of it, mind—with your own eyes, just the other day.”
“I don’t care.”
“I’ve eaten scraps you would not throw to dogs. I spent a month picking oakum in Bridewell. For Christ’s sake, I didn’t even learn to read properly until I was nineteen years old.”
“I. Don’t. Care. About any of it.”
“Others will. Your relations, your friends.”
“Then I don’t care about them.”
He pushed a hand through his hair. “You make it sound so simple, but it’s not. Not for you, and not for me. I’ve spent my life hating the very notion of the aristocracy. The ton and I … we hold one another in mutual contempt. You would ask me to become a permanent part of it?”
She blinked. For a moment, she found it difficult to speak. “Oh,” she managed. “I see. So the problem isn’t that I’m too good for you. It’s that you’re too good for me.”
“No, Lily. Never. That’s not it at all. The problem is that someone murdered Leo, and that same someone may want to kill me. Until I have answers, I can’t promise you a future. I can’t even promise you a tomorrow.”
If she didn’t love him so much, she could hate him for speaking that way. Didn’t he know what a toll this constant anxiety took on her state of mind? There could be no peace for her, if this continued.
“Let me make this easier. Out there”—she nodded toward the square, and the city beyond—“there is danger, mystery, violence. And maybe … just maybe … an elusive answer or two. Meanwhile, in here”—she gestured behind her, toward the door of Harcliffe House—“I am offering you love, pleasure, comfort. A home. And perhaps, one day, a family.”
The cool night air took his sigh and made it a coil of vapor. A visible expression of his hesitance.
She grabbed the lapels of his coat and pulled him close, pressing her brow to his. “Choose me,” she said, in a tone that she feared was too close to pleading. “Choose us. I can’t go on like this, bidding you farewell over and over, not knowing what will become of you once you’ve left my sight. If you desert me tonight, Julian …”
Dear God, was she really saying this? In principle, Lily abhorred ultimatums. They made a woman look desperate and manipulative. But she was desperate, no denying it. And since reasoning, arguing, and outright begging hadn’t convinced him, manipulation seemed her only option left.
Before she could lose her nerve, she said, “Walk away from me right now, and I don’t want to see you again. Ever.”
Then she pulled away to wait for his answer. It was a lonely, unbearably quiet wait.
Everyone assumed that because she was deaf, her world was silent. But that wasn’t the case. She lived with a steady, cycling murmur of sound—much like the effect she’d experienced as a girl, pressing a seashell to her ear. A muted roar, forever washing and ebbing at the edges of her consciousness. For one hideous summer, a high, shrill whistle had lodged just inside her left eardrum, and its ceaseless whine had nearly driven her mad. She’d wept with relief the morning she awoke to find it mercifully gone. But even afterward, total quiet was something she’d never known.
Until now.
There was absence of sound—and then there was silence. Julian’s pause fell into the latter category.
After a long, soul-wrenching minute, he kissed her. So lightly, her lips trembled under his. As they ended the kiss, he cupped her chin in his fingers and stared deep into her eyes.
“God be with you, then.” His thumb stroked a tear from her cheek. “Good night, Lily.”