Epilogue
Unloved
The next day, I woke determined to try to make the best of things. It wasn’t Ren’s fault. He didn’t know what he did or why it hurt so much. He didn’t remember about the socks, or how I smelled, or about choosing peaches and cream ice cream instead of peanut butter chocolate. It’s just stupid ice cream! Who cares?
No one remembered those things. No one knew now. Except me. I went for a ride in the fancy new convertible with Mr. Kadam and tried to be happy as he went over its features. I went through the motions, but I was numb inside. I despaired. I felt like I was interacting with a stunt-double Ren. He looked like my Ren and could even talk like him, but there was a spark missing. Something was off.
I’d planned to work out with Kishan when we got home, so I changed and headed through the laundry room and down the stairs to the dojo, stopping when I heard voices arguing. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but I heard my name mentioned and couldn’t leave.
“You’re hurting her,” Kishan said.
“You think I don’t know that? I don’t want to hurt her, but I won’t be coerced into feeling something that I don’t.”
“Can’t you at least try?”
“I have been.”
“I’ve seen you give more attention to ice cream than you do to her.”
Ren let out an exasperated sigh. “Look, there’s something . . . off-putting about her.”
“What do you mean?”
“I can’t really describe it. It’s just that when I’m near her . . . I can’t wait to get away. It’s a relief when she’s not around.”
“How can you say that? You loved her! You were more passionate about her than you’ve ever been about anything in your entire life!”
Ren spoke softly. “I can’t imagine feeling that for her. She’s nice and cute, but she’s a bit young. Too bad it wasn’t Nilima I was in love with.”
Kishan responded with outrage, “Nilima! She’s like a sister to us! You’ve never expressed any feelings for her before!”
“She’s easier to be around,” Ren replied quietly. “She doesn’t look at me with big brown eyes full of hurt.”
Both brothers were silent for a minute. I’d bitten my lip deeply and tasted blood, but the pain didn’t affect me.
Kishan spoke intently, “Kelsey is all that a man could ask for. She’s perfect for you. She loves poetry and sits endlessly content while listening to you sing and play your guitar. She waited months for you to come after her, and she has risked her life repeatedly to save your mangy white hide. She’s sweet and loving and warm and beautiful and would make you immeasurably happy.”
There was a pause. Then I heard Ren say incredulously, “You love her.”
Kishan didn’t answer right away, but then said softly, almost so I couldn’t hear it, “No man in his right mind wouldn’t, which proves you aren’t in your right mind.”
Ren said thoughtfully, “Maybe I was grateful to her and allowed her to believe I loved her once, but I don’t feel that way about her now.”
“Believe me. Gratitude was not the emotion you felt for her. You pined for her for months. You paced in your room until you wore a hole in the carpet. You wrote thousands of love poems describing her beauty and of how miserable you were when she was gone. If you don’t believe me, go up to your room and read them for yourself.”
“I have read them.”
“Then what’s your problem? I have never seen you happier in your miserable excuse for an existence than when you were with her. You loved her, and it was real.”
“I don’t know! Maybe it was being tortured over and over again that did this. Maybe Lokesh planted something in my brain that ruined her forever in my mind. When I hear her name or her voice, I cringe. I expect pain. I don’t want that. It’s not fair to either of us. She doesn’t deserve to be lied to. Even if I could learn to love her, the torture is still there in the back of my mind. Every time I look at her, I see Lokesh questioning, always questioning. Hurting me because of a girl I didn’t know. I can’t do it, Kishan.”
“Then . . . you don’t deserve her.”
There was a long pause.
“No, I guess I don’t.”
I bit my hand to hold back a sob and gasped. They heard me.
“Kells?” Kishan said.
I ran up the steps.
“Kells! Wait!”
I heard Kishan following me and ran up the stairs as fast as I could. I knew if I didn’t hurry, one of them would catch me. Slamming the laundry room door behind me, I ran up the other flight of stairs, into my bathroom, and locked the door. I crawled into the dry tub and pulled my knees to my chest. An assortment of knocks fell upon the door—some gentle, some insistent and harsh, some barely audible. Everyone seemed to take a turn. Even Ren. Eventually, they left me alone.
I clutched my heart. The connection between us was gone. The beautiful bouquet of tiger lilies that I’d nourished and cared for since Ren’s absence dried up. My heart was devastated by merciless drought. One by one, the soft, fragrant petals turned brown and fell off the stem.
No amount of coaxing, trimming, watering, or cutting was going to save them. It was winter. The stems shriveled. The blooms were spent. Old, broken petals were crushed into dust and were blown away by a stiff, hot wind. All that remained were a few brown stumps—a sad memoriam to a once precious and priceless arrangement.
Late that night, I emerged from my room, put on sneakers, and grabbed the keys to my new car. Unnoticed, I quietly left the house and slipped into the smooth leather seat. Speeding down the road with the top down, I drove until I found myself at a viewing point atop a hill overlooking the wide forested valley below. Reclining the seat, I lay back, looked up at the stars, and thought about constellations.
My dad had once told me about the North Star. He had said that mariners could always rely on it. It never deviated. It was always there, always dependable. What was its other name? Ah, Polaris. I searched for the Big Dipper but I couldn’t see it. I remembered Dad said it was only visible in the northern hemisphere. He said there was no other constellation like it in the southern hemisphere. It was a unique celestial phenomenon.
Ren had said once that he was as constant as the North Star. He had been my Polaris. Now, I had no center. No guide. I felt despair sneaking through me again. Then a tiny voice inside me, with a similar sarcastic wit to my mother’s, reminded me, Just because you can’t see the star doesn’t mean it’s not there. It might be hidden from view for a while, but you can rest assured that it still shines brightly somewhere.
Maybe someday that spark will be found again. Maybe I’d waste my life seeking it. I was adrift on an ocean of loneliness. A mariner without a star to follow. Could I be happy without him? I didn’t even want to consider it.
I’d experienced loss. My parents were gone. Ren was . . . gone. But I was still here. I still had things to accomplish. I had a job to do. I’d done this before, and I could do it again. Push through the pain and move on with life. If I could find love with someone along the way, then so be it. If I couldn’t, then I would do my best to be happy by myself. I’d suffered when Ren was gone before, and I’d suffer now, but I’d survive.
I reasoned, There’s no denying that I loved him and still do, but there are lots of things to be happy about. The Ocean Teacher said that the purpose of life is to be happy. The Divine Weaver told me not to become disheartened when the pattern doesn’t suit. She said I should wait and watch and be patient and devoted.
The threads of my life are all tangled and jumbled up. I don’t know if I’ll ever get them straightened out. The fabric of my existence is pretty ugly right now. All I can do is hold onto my faith, believing that someday I’ll see the light of that bright star again.
I once told Ren that our story wasn’t over.
And it’s not.
Not yet.