Chapter Sixteen
Joss quirked an eyebrow. “How’s the guy who landed on his head?”
He frowned. “Renaldo? His scans are clear. He’s staying in overnight to monitor his concussion. He’ll probably be back competing tomorrow night.”
“What?” The ice in her chest exploded in a flash of heat.
He shrugged like concussion was the equivalent to a hangnail. “Can’t keep a good rider down.”
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” she snapped. “The rodeo sports medicine people will just let him do that?”
“Well they’ll put him through some tests first but yeah…if he passes…”
Joss was temporarily speechless. Even in football they wouldn’t let a concussed man get back on the field so soon after sustaining his injury.
“Why don’t you wear a helmet?”
“Ah.” She saw the light dawn then. “That’s what this is about?”
His incredulity spiked her blood pressure. “Yes. That. The trivial matter of your stupid head being stomped on by a one-ton bull or cracking it so hard against the ground your brain starts to bleed and swell and if it doesn’t kill you will probably leave you a vegetable for the rest of your life.”
“Whoa there.” Troy laughed. “I see what Damien means about the medical horror stories.”
His laugh was like a red rag to the proverbial bull. “How can you trivialize this?” She stalked toward him, covering the distance between them, stopping just short of being able to push him in the chest. “It’s your head!” she yelled.
“Okay, wait, stop.” He held up his hands. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to trivialize anything.
“Why? Why don’t you wear a helmet?”
“Because a hat looks cooler.”
Joss gaped at him. “You’re shitting me, right?”
“I want to look like a bloody cowboy, not a damn hockey player.”
Joss moved away abruptly in case she gave in to the temptation to smack some sense into him. She twirled to face him once she was a safe distance. “You really are just a bloody big overgrown boy aren’t you? That’s something I’d expect Damien to say!”
She didn’t need two teenage boys in her life.
“You wear a vest? Why not a helmet?”
“I have to wear a vest, Joss. It’s the rules.”
“Others wear helmets.”
He nodded. “It’s a personal choice. Not one I that I’ve made for me.”
“What if I asked you to make it for me?” Joss knew she had no right to ask, no real claim on him but she couldn’t bear the thought of him going in to that ring again in his cowboy hat.
He looked taken aback for a moment. “I…”
Joss felt his hesitation right down to her marrow. Of course. Why would he make such a choice for some woman he’d spent a few weeks with?
“I’ll be all right you know. Really.”
“How?” The question exploded from her lips, her heart beating hard. “How do you know that? I’ve spent the last two hours Googling bull-riding injuries and no one can say that as a certainty.”
He grimaced. “You probably shouldn’t have done that.”
“Ya think?”
“Look.” He took a step toward her. She took a step back and he halted before taking his next step, shoving his hands on his hips. “I survive on my instincts out there. On my gut. I know how to land. How to protect my head.”
Joss couldn’t stop the hysterical bubble of laughter. “I can’t do this, Troy. I can’t go out there and watch you be so irresponsible with your life.” To her surprise a tear trekked down her cheek and she dashed it away, pissed off by its very presence. “Don’t come back home after tomorrow. Please. It’s going to be hard enough for Damien to separate from you. Best make a clean break.”
“Joss.”
He covered the distance between them ignoring her hand signal to stop, pulling up in front of her, a handbreadth away. Joss could barely breathe, a wild tangle of emotions clogging her chest.
“Please don’t do this. You do get immune to the dangers pretty quickly, I promise.”
Joss gave a half laugh. “I don’t want to get immune to them. Nobody should be immune to them. This is serious stuff, Troy.”
She searched his face for recognition. For a sign that he knew how important his damn head was. But all she saw was a young guy who thought he was bulletproof.
“Look…it’s been a fun pit stop for you. And for me. But it’s over.”
He slipped his hands onto her elbows. “That’s not what this has been. I meant what I said before. I’m in love with you, Joss. Give me a chance.”
In love with. No think I might be this time. God…she’d known him for three weeks but already a cramp was flaring behind her sternum.
“Jesus, Troy…” She pulled her arms away and moved back a step. “I don’t need a cocky young cowboy with a death wish in my life and I definitely don’t need another man in my son’s life who’s going to not come home one day.”
“I’m careful, Joss. Really careful.”
“No.” She shook her head. “My husband…he was careful. He worked in an office and we bought in a safe neighborhood. He always got the car serviced on time and was pedantic about shoveling the snow from the path every winter so we wouldn’t break our necks. And looked what happened to him.”
Joss smashed her right fist into her left palm. The noise was loud in the silent room and she swore she saw Troy flinch a little.
“Boom! Car totaled. Dead. Gone.” She snapped her fingers. “Just like that. Andy would have given anything to still be alive and kicking today. To be around, watching his son grow up and here you are—” She poked him hard in the chest. “Deliberating, willfully, recklessly endangering your life. Every weekend.”
“Exactly. I could give it up tomorrow and there’d be absolutely no guarantee that something terrible won’t happen to me just walking down the street.”
“I’m not asking you to give it up, Troy, certainly not for me. I’m asking you to be smart. I know there aren’t any guarantees in life.”
“Joss…” He shoved a hand over his head. “What I do is actually a helluva lot safer than driving. I’m statistically much more likely to die in a car accident than I am being killed by a bull.”
“Yeah, but people who drive cars do everything they can to keep safe. They put on their seat belts and manufacturers make cars with airbags, reversing cameras and advanced braking systems. You know…” Joss shook her head. “I look after people who are clinging to life with their fingernails, who’d give anything for another day and you just…”
She waved her hand dismissively, her feelings too tangled to articulate.
“You’re a doctor,” he said gently. “You have a skewed view of things. It’s taught you to see the dangers in everything.”
“You know what medicine has taught me? That life is precious and is a helluva lot more preferable than being dead.” She supposed absently that Troy hadn’t come from a background where any of that had been reinforced. “And you should be doing everything you can to stay alive because you’re worth it.”
Had his upbringing caused such a disregard for his own life? Was he still, deep down, that abused child who didn’t think himself worthy of life?
He opened his mouth to say something but the door suddenly opened and a thunderous-looking Damien glared at her.
“Are we going or not?”
Joss nodded, grateful for the reprieve, her heart unbearably heavy. There was no point staying and going around and around the houses with Troy.
“I’m coming.”
The door slammed shut again and she stepped around Troy, ignoring the brush of his hand as he reached out to touch her on the way past.
“I love you.”
Her step faltered but she didn’t stop. She didn’t answer. She just kept going. All the way out the door and to her car. She’d known him for three lousy weeks and he had a death wish.
She did not love him.
She would not.
*
Troy won the next night. He scored some cash and enough points to get back into the extreme tour but the victory was a brittle one.
He should have been ecstatic. Prior to Plainview, he would have partied hard. Booze and women for sure. But it suddenly didn’t appeal. He wanted Joss. To celebrate with her. And Damien.
He wanted to go home.
He hadn’t realized until now that a person could be home.
The places he’d grown up in had been dives and hovels. Four walls barely containing the dysfunction within. No love. No connection.
But he knew now deep in his soul that Joss was his home.
He didn’t turn his pickup in her direction, though. Not yet. He wasn’t giving up. He just figured that maybe she needed some time to cool down. Some time to miss him. And he needed to get his head in the game. He’d been seriously mentally AWOL these last few weeks and that wasn’t how you won comps.
Tucson was in three weeks and he needed a big comeback. He needed to win. And not just for the money or the points. He needed to prove to them all—cowboys, sponsors, fans—that he may have been down but he wasn’t out.
That the Wonder from Down Under was back. And he was playing to win.
After Tucson he’d try again. Try to make her understand that he knew what he was doing. That the iconic image of a cowboy on the back of a bull, his hand held high, his hat firmly in place, was a powerful brand.
The kind sponsors and fans went nuts for.
And if she wouldn’t listen then he’d just keep going back and back and wearing her down little by little. He knew she felt something for him too—why worry about his head if she didn’t care about him?
Because she was a doctor? He didn’t buy that.
So he needed to maintain a presence in her life. Turning up between rodeos when the schedule allowed. Showing her he was serious about a relationship with her. Chipping away at her concerns.
But his plan for now was to give her some space.
He pushed on to Roswell with the pro circuit. He’d always liked New Mexico. So much of the topography reminded him of the Top End. He’d been to Santa Fe multiple times over the years, the last time in April as part of the extreme circuit—he’d come third.
Plus it was close to Tucson. Close to Joss.
He was surprised to stumble across one of the ranked cowboys from the extreme circuit at the start of the second night in Roswell. T.J. Casey was one tough mother of a cowboy, currently ranked fourth overall and Troy’s competition. But by and large, they all got along out of the arena.
“Hey, dude,” Troy said as they slapped each other on the back. “I heard you were missing Sacramento.”
“Yeah.” The other man grimaced, his hand gripping his left shoulder. “Gave it a bit of a nudge. I’ll be good for San Diego though.”
“Whatcha doing down this way?”
“Heard about this rookie on the pro circuit. Thought I’d come and check him out.”
“Diego? Yeah, he’s gonna be big, man. He’s been on my ass at every event. I swear that kid was born with bum glue.”
Casey laughed and they headed into the arena together to watch the show. Afterward they found the bar at Troy’s hotel.
It wasn’t really Troy’s scene. He preferred bare boards underfoot and country music on the juke box. This was more like an airport lounge with elevator music but they served booze and it was near deserted, which meant nobody was going to be hassling them for autographs.
Casey ordered a beer but Troy needed something stronger. His nights had been restless, filled with images of Joss and the things they’d done together and wiping himself out on hard liquor was the only thing that got him through the cravings.
“Tequila. Straight up.”
Casey, who’d ordered a beer, cocked an eyebrow as the bartender poured a shot glass in front of them. “Going straight for the hard stuff? Must be a woman.”
Troy ignored him, tapped his glass on the bar and tossed it back. It burned all the way down, licking tongues of fire along his nerve endings. He placed the empty in front of him and said, “Another.”
“Definitely a woman. C’mon, man, out with it. You can tell your Uncle Casey anything. You know I don’t gossip.”
Troy downed the second shot. “Another.”
Casey whistled. “Man…she’s got you real worked up.” He eyed Troy as he threw back his third shot. “What’s her name?”
Troy thunked the glass on the glossy wooden surface. The barman lifted the tequila bottle in silent question and Troy nodded but he didn’t touch the shot after it was poured. His tongue felt numb and he was feeling sufficiently lubed to open up.
“Joss.” Hell, he missed saying her name.
Casey laughed. “Hey, can you hear that? The sound of a thousand buckle bunny hearts breaking all over the land.” He clapped Troy on the back. “Can’t wait to tell the guys The Wonder from Down Under has got himself all hung up over a woman.”
Troy grunted. “Don’t get too carried away. I’m not exactly her favorite person, you know?”
“Aw, hell, man. You screwed up?”
“What in hell makes you think I screwed up?”
“C’mon. I’ve known you for a few years. You’re great with onetime deals but you don’t do anything more serious.”
“For fuck’s sake, all I did was tell her I love her.”
“You said the L word?”
Casey laughed like that was the funniest thing he’d ever heard. Troy stared into his drink, waiting for him to stop.
“No offense, man, but you got so many notches on your belt I didn’t think you even knew what that was.”
“Well I do. Now. When you’ve never been in love before, it’s pretty fucking obvious.” For someone who’d lived his entire life with an absence of love, it was blindingly evident when it did happen.
This thing he felt for Joss was totally alien to him. He’d been with a lot of women—none of them had ever made him feel the way he felt about Joss.
“In my admittedly not in-depth experience with women, they tend to like it when you say the L word so what else did you do?”
“She’s pissed at me over not wearing a helmet. She’s an ER doc and a widow. Husband died in a car crash. She’s got a fifteen-year-old kid.” He shrugged. “She thinks I have some kind of reckless death wish.”
“So?” Casey shrugged. “Wear the damn helmet.”
“And hide this pretty face?” Troy absently twisted his full shot glass on the bar surface. “They’re ugly-ass things.”
Casey huffed out a sympathetic laugh. “Maybe. But she’s right—they’re safer. And you know sooner or later, they’ll be compulsory anyway.”
Troy nodded. The writing had been on the wall for a while.
“You ever thought about what you’re going to do after all this?” Casey asked. “When you’re too busted up to get on the back of a bull?”
Troy shook his head. “Nope. I’m not like you. I didn’t come into this with an exit strategy. To be honest, I always kind of figured that I’d get stomped by some ornery bull and it’d be all over.”
He’d figured it wouldn’t be such a bad way to die. Quick. Doing something he loved. Going down in a blaze of glory.
“Man.” Casey frowned over top of his beer. “That’s pretty fucked up.”
“Yeah.” He clinked his shot glass against Casey’s bottle and knocked the tequila back.
Casey’s gaze was heavy on his profile. “Maybe you should start thinking about an exit strategy?”
Troy watched the barman pour more clear liquid into his glass. Maybe he should. Because now there was Joss. And Damien.
And love.
*
Casey’s words played on Troy’s mind as he meandered around New Mexico. He didn’t have any particular destination in mind, just driving from town to town, playing tourist, stopping at roadside motels for the night, drinking too much then moseying off the next day to a new place.
There was a restlessness he couldn’t ignore, though.
Troy had spent seven years in the US, doing just this. Driving around the country, going from event to event. Sometimes with other cowboys for company, but mostly by himself.
And he’d loved it.
The big open spaces had called to him, filled him up. He’d felt comfortable being alone with the grandeur of nature. Probably in some kind of deeply fucked-up way, the immensity of nature confirmed what he’d been told his whole life by his parents.
He was small, he was no one, he was insignificant. And that’s why he felt so comfortable alone in it.
But it was different now. Now there was Joss and he wanted to be significant. To her. And Damien. He certainly didn’t want to be alone anymore. He had no doubt he could hook up every night with a different woman until he left this earth but he’d been doing that for the last seven years and not one of them had made him feel any less alone.
Not like Joss. Just thinking about her filled up his head and his heart. He could see a whole future with her. A whole new world.
For the first time ever he was thinking beyond the next rodeo thanks to Casey’s question needling him every moment of the day.
The last place he expected to find the answer was in New Mexico.
He’d set out for Tucson on the Monday before the extreme event. Figured he’d take a couple of days to get there then kick around the city for a bit. But then he passed a For Sale sign on a ranch near Artesia and, for some reason he couldn’t explain, stopped to check it out.
The twelve thousand acre ranch hadn’t been occupied for a while. It was run-down and needed work. But it had everything required for a working cattle ranch as well as a sprawling, Spanish-style homestead, perfect for a family.
An idea crystallized in his bones—so strong and clear it couldn’t be ignored. He contacted the realtor immediately and after a couple of days of lawyers and accountants and high finance, he laid down a cool two mill and bought it.
A lot of the cowboys on the extreme circuit owned working cattle ranches but Troy’s was going to be different. It was time to pay things forward. To offer kids like he’d been a chance at redemption. The kind of chance that came with hard work and grit and someone willing to give them a second chance. Like the Forresters had done for him.
He was going to establish a dude ranch. For delinquents.
Troy had no idea how to go about establishing it but that didn’t matter because he’d work it out. For the first time in his life he was dreaming of a future. There was only one thing missing.
And it was time to go get her.