Later, in bed with Tracht, Alex thought about how he was feeling. Not like, in a girly way, but he realized it was kind of weird that all that shit they did to Nick didn’t bother him at all, when he hadn’t liked watching Parsons get whipped.
“How come—” Alex started, and then he broke off the sentence because he didn’t really know what he wanted to ask.
“What?” Tracht sounded half asleep and annoyed. His head was pillowed on Alex’s chest, his arm curled around Alex’s waist.
“Never mind.”
Alex winced when Tracht started twisting one of his nipples. “Just tell me so we can get to sleep.”
“Uh. I dunno. Nick was more fun than Parsons.”
He heard a sigh. “Presumably because your brother’s betrayal was far more absolute, and you actually did consider Mr. Parsons a friend.”
“What’s that mean?”
Tracht switched from twisting his nipple to soothing it. “I really should just let you figure this out on your own. But I’ll help you along. Go visit Mr. Parsons tomorrow.”
No way was that was going to help. Alex was pretty sure seeing Parsons would just piss him off, not magically solve all his problems. He clearly remembered saying that he never wanted to see Parsons again.
But in the morning Tracht gave him Parsons’ address and told him to go or not, whatever he felt like. Tracht went off to do whatever business he did, Espinosa in tow, and Alex was at enough of a loose end that he gave in.
Turned out that Parsons lived in a neighborhood close to where he and Nick had lived. The artificial sky seemed more distant and gray, and the hum of the station engines was louder here. He spotted a couple of street kids eyeing him, but he gave them a menacing glare and they all decided he was too scary to bother. Good.
Parson’s apartment wasn’t the worst, but it was definitely nowhere near classy either. Alex waited for somebody else to slip into the building, and he followed them in. Security was as lax as expected. He climbed the three flights of stairs and knocked on Parsons’ door.
When that didn’t get a response, he started pounding on it. “Hey! Parsons! Open up!”
He kept at it for a few minutes before the door finally swung open.
Pretty, mohawked Kai opened the door. “What’s your problem, asshole?”
“I want to talk to Parsons.”
“Did you not get the hint? Nobody here wants to talk to you.” Kai put himself squarely in the way.
Whatever. Alex pushed passed him, ignoring Kai’s squawking, and stomped through the apartment.
Not that there was much to stomp through. The couch was clearly being used to sleep on, and the kitchen was nothing more than two hotplates, waterless dishwasher, and a small fridge along one wall. A couple of crudely drawn pictures hung on the fridge.
He found Parsons in what was clearly his kid’s bedroom, with bright blue sheets and posters and pictures hanging on the wall. Parsons sat with Meilin and was paging through his tablet, apparently trying to keep her distracted.
Meilin just stared at Alex. “Who’re you?” Her lip quivered a bit as she asked, and then she wrapped her arms around Parson’s arm. Parsons grimaced and set the tablet aside, then pulled Meilin fully into his arms.
“This is Alex. I used to work with him. Lin-Lin, I’m going to go out and talk with him for a bit, and—”
“No!” Meilin shouted, her lip quivering. “Don’t go!” She tightened her hold on Parsons. “Don’t go away, daddy.”
Yeash. Alex couldn’t remember ever having been a brat like that. His mom would have simply pushed him away, but Parsons kissed Meilin’s head and got up with her still in his arms.
“You’re getting a bit heavy for this, Lin-Lin. I need to talk to him in private. How about this—I’ll take him into Uncle Kai’s room. So I’ll still be here.”
This appeased the kid; she nodded and then slowly slid down from Parsons’ grasp. “You get ten minutes! And you have to promise to come back!” she declared.
“No, at least half an hour!”
Alex boggled as Meilin and Parsons haggled back and forth over the amount of time Parsons was allowed to be alone. Wasn’t Parsons supposed to be the dad? He could just tell Meilin to shut it.
They somehow ended up settling on twenty minutes, and Parsons ruffled Meilin’s hair. “Okay, I’ll be right back.”
“You’d better!”
Alex startled when Kai pushed past him. “Sorry about that, Jeremy. I shouldn’t have opened the door. Should I call security?”
“It’s fine. Alex doesn’t take cues well anyway.” Parsons glared at Alex, then shook his head and led him into the other room.
It was smaller than Meilin’s room, with just a double pushed up against the wall and one small dresser opposite of it. Parsons leaned against the dresser and made no indication of where he wanted Alex, so Alex sat down on the bed.
“So?” Parsons asked, “What do you want? Did Tracht send you?”
“Uh.” Now that Alex was there, he had no idea what Tracht wanted him to find out. “How’s your back?”
Parsons laughed. “Really? Small talk?”
Alex hunched his shoulders defensively. “No. Just… did Singh do a good job?”
“Yeah. Not a scar on me,” Parsons said. “I’d show you, but I don’t really feel like getting naked around you.”
“Not interested anyway.” Even aside from the fact that Tracht would get mad if he did. Alex knew that Parsons was hot, but he really didn’t feel like having sex with him ever.
Silence stretched out between them.
Parsons rubbed his eyes. “Okay. This is going to take forever if we wait for you. Just tell me why you came.”
“I don’t know! I saw Nick yesterday, and he was a dick, and then I messed him up a bit. It was fine. It was fun.” Alex shrugged. “Messing you up wasn’t fun. And then Tracht said I should talk to you.”
“Messing me up? Messing me up ?” Parsons’ shook his head, mouth slightly agape. “Is that what you think happened? You messed me up a little?”
Oh, great. Alex wasn’t in the mood for Parsons’ judgments. “Look! That’s not the point! I didn’t—I didn’t like doing it to you. And I don’t get why!”
He watched Parsons calm himself down. “God. Alex, that’s normal. Most people don’t like hurting others. Most people feel guilty when they hurt their friends.”
For some reason, Alex’s heart started pounding harder.
“Did you?”
“What?”
“Did you. Feel guilty. About hurting me.”
It was something, watching Parsons’ anger melt away. “Yeah. Alex, I had a long time in isolation to think about it, and I did.”
Oh. For some reason Alex hadn’t thought Parsons would say that. On the other hand, Nick had apologized the day before, and look how sincere that had been.
“Do you mean it?” Alex asked. “You… you wish you hadn’t tried to screw me over?”
“Alex—I don’t know. I wish I hadn’t been so stupid. I wish I didn’t know what a flogger felt like. I wish I had thought about all the potential consequences.” Parsons looked away from Alex and scratched his neck.
“But you want to know the funny thing? Meilin is ecstatic. Her dad doesn’t have to go away for a long time anymore! I mean, sure, it’s because I am literally unemployable, but she’s happier.
“And, this is the best part. Tracht’s lawyers, or Lysander’s lawyers, I don’t know. They gave me a nice little payout. Well, they gave it to Kai, but close enough. I told them everything I could about the guy who hired me, about my suspicions, I went on the record even, and in return, no employer on the station will touch me with a three foot pole. But hey, I’ve got enough money to get me to the next solar system.”
Alex frowned. “What about the fancy school?”
“Ah, yeah.” Parsons cringed. “There’s no way it’s affordable. No point, even. We’re staying until the school year is over and then we’re moving to Zhuanxu station, where Xiaoyu’s parents live.”
“You’re leaving? What about me?”
“What about you? Alex, you show up in my nightmares. If Meilin was friends with somebody like you, I’d do everything in my power to keep them apart. I’m not going to miss you.”
That shouldn’t have bothered Alex. He reminded himself that Parsons had screwed him over pretty badly. There should have been no reason for Alex to care, even if Parsons had hung out with him and helped him study. He clenched his fists and considered forcing Parsons to stay, except Tracht would get mad and Parsons probably wouldn’t actually stay.
“Could we message each other?”
Parsons laughed. “I don’t know how to respond to that. I’m not even surprised that you don’t get why I might not ever want to talk to you again.”
Shit. Shit. Alex felt stupid now. Stupider than he had with Nick. “So, why’d you agree to talk to me if you were just gonna be an asshole? Why did Tracht tell me to come see you?”
“I can’t believe I actually feel bad for you.” Parsons came to sit next to Alex on the bed. “Okay, listen. I don’t know why Tracht does any of the shit he does, except that he thinks it’ll get him something he wants. I shouldn’t talk to you just for that.
“But I don’t even care about that anymore. Alex, what you did? Was pretty much unforgivable in my book. You should have told me you didn’t want to do it, and told me why. I would have agreed and scrapped the plan.”
That didn’t sit right with Alex. “How was I supposed to know? And Tracht would still have taken it out on me if he caught wind of me hiding something from him.” He saw Parsons grimace, but Alex pushed on, “And I can’t—just—I can’t do anything to screw over Tracht. Ever. That’d be wrong. I—”
His palms felt clammy. He shut up because he had no idea what he was really saying.
Alex startled when Parsons clapped his shoulder. “This is so messed up. Tracht doesn’t deserve your loyalty, Alex. He’s manipulating you. If he really cared about you, if he respected you, he wouldn’t make you do things you don’t like.”
“He has my contract,” Alex said. “And he isn’t—he isn’t doing bad things to me. He’s not like... not really hurting me.”
“Okay, I’m not going to tell you how to feel about the whole thing because that was wrong of me too, but Alex,” Parsons’ voice took on a pleading edge, “think about it, okay? That shit Tracht does to you? I would never have done it with Xiaoyu. I respected her. I loved her. When we disagreed, we talked it out—I would never have locked her in a cage or denied her food or forced her to get piercings. Tracht is grooming you.”
Shit. Shit. Shitshitshit. Alex got up and stumbled to the door. “Whatever. None of your business.”
“Alex. I am sorry. I hope you get out of that situation. But just get of here now, and seriously, don’t ever contact me again.”
Alex opened the door and almost tripped over Meilin. She glared up at him. “It’s been over twenty minutes! Give me my daddy back!”
“You can have him, you brat,” Alex growled. He stepped around her and got out of there.
He spent the walk back thinking about it. If people who liked you didn’t make you do stuff you didn’t want to do, then there hadn’t been a single person in Alex’s life who had liked him. His mom made him do stuff he hated all the time. Her boyfriends weren’t much better. Nick was... yeah. Even Parsons.
Tracht—
But Tracht did a lot of stuff Alex liked too. He gave Alex nice food. He made Alex study and now Alex actually felt smart sometimes. They messed up other people together and that was a lot of fun. He’d helped Alex get revenge on Nick. And if Tracht was so terrible, why had he told Alex to go talk to Parsons? He had to know that Parsons didn’t like Tracht at all. He had to have known that Parsons would badmouth him.
Even Nick did nice things, sometimes. Parsons had done nice things all the time—not as nice as what Tracht did, but maybe better than Nick. So either all of them liked him or none of them liked him.
In the end, the visit left Alex more confused than ever. He went to the shopping center and bought himself those boots he’d wanted. Then he headed back to the ship and wasted time watching porn he couldn’t beat off to and, frankly, wouldn’t want to beat off to.
He was ignoring the screen in favor of browsing the net for definitions of ‘manipulation’ and ‘grooming’ when Tracht returned.
“Interesting choice of entertainment,” Tracht said as he sat down next to Alex on the couch. “The sub is a bit too skinny for my tastes these days, but I do enjoy this one for the sheer brutality of what they do to him.”
Helping Tracht with his boots was more of an automatic than conscious reaction these days, but it did make Alex feel a little calmer. He lay his head on Tracht’s thigh when he was done and tried to figure out what he wanted to say.
“How was your excursion today?” Tracht asked while he lowered the volume on the porn. He carded his hands through Alex’s hair, sometimes turning his fingers inwards to scratch viciously, other times keeping his touch light and soothing.
“Parsons said he felt bad about what he did. He said I was feeling bad about how we hurt him. Dunno.”
“Do you agree with his assessment?”
“I guess? I don’t like that he doesn’t want to talk to me ever again.” Alex looked up at Tracht. “You don’t ever feel bad for what you do to me or anybody.”
Tracht quirked a small smile at Alex. “No, but I have very little basic empathy, Alex. I suspect that if you had grown up in a different environment, you would have been quite the ordinary, boring person. You probably could have been friends with Parsons properly. Maybe you would have had many friends.”
Alex mulled over that for a moment. Would that have been a better life? But he didn’t want to suddenly care about more people. It was hard enough caring about just one.
“Parsons said you were… you were manipulating me. ‘Grooming’ me. I looked that up and I still don’t get it.”
Tracht suddenly tightened his grip on Alex’s hair and pulled back sharply. Alex grunted in pain, but forced himself to keep his eyes on Tracht.
“It means that everything I’ve done was to mold you into somebody that I want you to be.” Tracht let go and pushed Alex towards the ground. He placed his feet on Alex’s back. “And he’s right. I like you the way you are now, the way I’ve formed you.”
That was probably supposed to horrify Alex. Parsons would have been outraged. Alex tried to drum up some sort of anger, but all he wanted to do was curl around Tracht’s foot and kiss his toes.
“Why’d you tell me to see Parsons? Why’d you even let me hang out with Parsons? Wouldn’t he get in the way of… of whatever you’re doing with me?”
“No. He served exactly the purpose I wanted him to serve.” Tracht laughed a bit. “Honestly? I would have been happy to get rid of him on Atalanta. He was irritating me, and I couldn’t see him lasting much longer on the ship. But I’ve seen how servants who are denied outside contact act, and quite frankly, it’s boring. I don’t need you to be a broken mess who can’t form a single independent thought.”
Huh. Alex smiled and rolled onto his back, making sure not to dislodge Tracht’s feet completely. “You kept him around for me? That’s—that’s actually pretty nice, yeah?”
He saw Tracht grin in return. “It is one of the many, many indulgences I’ve granted you, Alex.” Then he moved his foot to sit on Alex’s throat. “But let me make something clear. I am invested in you now. I plan on keeping you around for the next five years. Depending on how things go, I might even want you to stay beyond that.
“If you stay loyal to me, I’ll continue to indulge you even while I hurt you. But if you do anything to betray me, anything to actively hurt me or my business—” Tracht suddenly pushed down on Alex’s throat, hard enough to make breathing difficult, “—I will absolutely keep you for the remainder of your five years. But I’m going to make those days a worse hell for you than you can ever imagine.”
If he’d tried, Alex probably could have gotten out from under Tracht’s foot. He didn’t try. He waited for Tracht to remove the foot by himself, and when Alex could finally breathe easily again, he got onto his knees and kissed that same foot that had just denied him air.
He felt Tracht’s hands on his scalp again, gently, roughly pulling him up. “Nothing to say?”
“You promise you’re not—you’re not using me just to screw me over?” Alex asked. He kept his eyes locked with Tracht’s. “Cus I—I don’t like that. But I can put up with your perverted stuff if it means that…”
He trailed off, not sure exactly what he wanted to say, but Tracht seemed to understand. He snorted a mild laugh and then kissed Alex soundly, biting at his lip and forcing his tongue into Alex’s mouth.
Alex ended up climbing onto the couch and somehow boxing Tracht in, Tracht’s arms wrapped around Alex’s back. The kiss seemed to steal even more of Alex’s breath than the choking had, which didn’t make any sense but Alex was getting too turned on to care.
When they broke apart, Alex rested his head on Tracht’s shoulder.
“Alex. You’re going to put up with my ‘perverted stuff’ whether you want to or not. But you can rest assured that I have no intention of doing anything that would cause your loyalty to me to waver.”
That sounded really, really good to Alex. He kissed the corner of Tracht’s jaw.
“I’m not gonna do anything really dumb. I just—I want to stay with you.”
“I know.” Tracht patted Alex’s thigh and stood up. “And now, the matter of your punishment for eating unauthorized food.”
So, yeah, Alex really didn’t want a repeat of the whole not-being-able-to-move experience, but shit, he loved the way Tracht was looking at him now. He could deal with the rest of it. He’d struggle through any of it as long as it meant Tracht would keep looking at him like that, like he thought Alex was hot, like he wanted Alex to stay around forever.