CHAPTER SEVEN
Shae stared up into Jace’s blue eyes, his confusion more than evident. She truly wished she could wipe his look of perplexity away with a wave of her hand, but she would never lie. To dismiss his observation as trivial was a disservice to them both. She’d witnessed what dishonesty did to friendships, relationships, and marriages every day. He’d done nothing to deserve her anger or indignation.
And that was the problem.
How could she explain her unsubstantiated guilt over something he hadn’t actually had any intent to commit?
Jace was absolutely right. She was an expert in diverting the conversations away from herself and redirecting the narrative. She’d done it since the day Emma disappeared. No one had ever called her out on it, though.
“I’m not exactly mad at you, Jace,” Shae answered as honestly as she could, looking him directly in the eye so that he didn’t doubt her response. She wasn’t sure how she didn’t stumble over her words. It was as if he could see right through her. “It’s been tougher coming home than I thought it would be. Don’t you find that to be true?”
There was a small flare of recognition in his features at the use of the word home. There was a part of her that would always recognize Blyth Lake as her home, but facing these childhood memories made her want to run away from her past and never return.
“You’re doing it again. I want an answer.”
Shae could see his confusion. It wasn’t fair to him that she was harboring resentment for a contrived slight she had rationalized for her own purposes.
“Jace, I—”
“Ms. Irwin?”
Jace thinned his lips and crossed his arms at the interruption. His reaction told her that he wasn’t letting this conversation go, but it did buy her some time.
“I’m Detective Kendrick. It’s good to finally meet you.”
“You, as well,” Shae replied, holding out an arm. The detective had a firm handshake and didn’t loosen his grip because she was a woman. She liked him already. “I’d heard that you were conducting a search of Jace’s property. I hope you don’t mind me being here.”
“I’ll be honest,” Detective Kendrick shared as he looked around the area. “I’m grasping at straws. We’ve hit a dead end with the investigation.”
“I’m aware that DNA evidence takes a few weeks.” Shae was grateful she’d taken the time to apply her makeup and change her clothes. It made dealing with the unpleasantness of this situation bearable. “Is there a chance something will surface from Whitney’s vehicle? Or her father’s house?”
“Anything is possible, although I’m not holding out hope.”
Detective Kendrick’s tone told her all she needed to know about his conviction on the forensics of the case. This killer had gotten away with abducting and murdering girls for twelve years—maybe longer. He didn’t get that way because he was careless or left physical evidence laying around to be found.
“I’d still like to meet with you this afternoon to go over some of the accounts the night your sister went missing to see if there are any discrepancies.” The detective was already being called away by a technician near the barn. “If you’ll excuse me for a moment.”
Shae turned to continue walking toward the house where she and Jace had left the others when he caught her hand. The heat from his touch startled her, seeing as they’d both been walking in the sunshine. A part of her wanted to grab hold and soak in his warmth, but she instinctively pulled away.
“Are you upset with me because I went to boot camp that weekend? Shae, I’d already delayed my departure once due to illness. I couldn’t—”
“It’s not because of that.”
“So there is a reason you have a hard time looking me in the eye every time we see each other.”
Damn it. He’d gotten past her defenses. She scrambled for a way to give an answer without the outcome being one of embarrassment, but she came up empty. Where were all the techniques she’d learned in her profession over the years?
Shae figured sitting in the grass wasn’t the smartest thing to do while wearing white pants, but she needed some support while baring her soul. Besides, the view of the small pond gave her something to look at instead of his piercing blue eyes.
“You wouldn’t know that Emma and I argued the day she went missing.”
Jace had yet to join her on the ground, but she could sense that he’d gone still. He most likely wasn’t expecting her to open with that statement, but she only wanted to say this once.
“I argue with my brothers and sister all the time.” Jace lowered his large frame down beside her, though he gave her some space. She didn’t feel crowded, but instead secure. She’d analyze why later. “They know I love them just the same.”
“Emma said she hated me.” The slice of pain to Shae’s heart every time she replayed those words in her head never lost its power. “I could hear her and Mom arguing in the kitchen over who was getting the car that night. I was the oldest and had first right of refusal.”
Shae drew her knees up to her chest, hoping to ease the throbbing ache in her chest.
“You were already in college.” Jace raised one knee to rest his forearm on as he stared out over the water. She breathed a little easier knowing he wasn’t observing her reactions. “I remember you and Stephanie complaining about not being allowed a car on campus your freshman year.”
“It’s amazing what teenagers believe to be the worst of times, isn’t it?” Shae’s protected view of the world had been ripped away in a brutal fashion. “Emma was upset I was using the car that night, because I’d had it the day before. It was her turn, according to her understanding of our deal with Mom.”
“You’re a psychologist, right? I don’t need to tell you that playing the what-if game always produces nothing but losers. It’s worse than gambling with my brother.”
“I’m a psychiatrist, actually,” Shae replied, honored by the success she’d achieved over the years. It was also the reason she’d come so far in accepting a life without her sister. That didn’t mean she wasn’t without emotional scars. “I try to stay away from the what-if game, but sometimes the draw is like the gravitational pull of the moon, shifting tides and the like.”
“Wait. You came to the party that Nick threw for me that night.”
Jace connected the dots, but there was still some left dangling in that maze of tangled emotions. She might as well pick up the pen for him and map it out.
“I came to see you. Don’t you understand?” Shae let her words hang in the air, hoping she wouldn’t have to explain herself further. They were too far from the water to see his reflection. She didn’t have the courage to look at him. She’d seen enough pity on people’s faces to last a lifetime. “I could have easily hitched a ride with Stephanie and let Emma have the car, but I was hoping to stay longer than that night.”
There. The professional side of her was very proud of the way she’d faced her past. Now all she had to do was push past this awkwardness so that the issue was no longer between them. The knot in her chest loosened when he didn’t comment, giving her a chance to explain the rest.
“It’s not fair, but all I see is guilt when I look at you.” Shae bravely snuck a glance his way, testing her theory. “I let a high school crush prevent me from being a good sister. She would have been safe. And yes, I know all the arguments about how unhealthy it is to place blame on myself. Trust me, I’ve had years of therapy to see the facts clearly. That doesn’t mean it’s always easy to take that advice. In fact, it makes it harder.”
They sat in silence, though Shae found it comforting. Jace didn’t try to make it better, nor did he say her emotions were unfounded, even though they were. She understood that in her mind, but emotionally it was a different story altogether. She glanced down when his hand found hers.
Distant sounds from the barn floated over the pond. The monotonous noise was disturbingly soothing. It meant that the police were actively looking for her sister’s body.
“I understand Emma’s gone.” Shae wasn’t sure why she said those words aloud. Jace had been keeping her company with no judgment as the minutes passed into hours. She wasn’t even sure what time it was, but Brynn had left a while back. His fingers were still laced with hers in a comforting embrace. “I’d like to see her properly buried, though. I want to give her peace.”
“Then that’s what we’ll strive to do.” Jace unfolded his large frame, never letting go of her hand. He helped her off the ground, and that was when she realized he did have something to say. He’d just been waiting for the right moment. “I’m sorry you feel guilt when you look at me. I’d like to change that, if possible.”
Shae wasn’t sure what to say to his request, because it wasn’t something she was expecting to hear. He might very well be asking her for the impossible. Unfortunately, she wasn’t given the time to answer before chaos erupted.
“We’ve got company,” Lance shouted, his voice carrying easily over the distance.
Jace led the way, still maintaining a hold on her hand. They quickly walked around the pond, bypassing the back of the house and a couple of the state’s technicians. It wasn’t until they’d rounded the corner that Lance’s warning finally made sense.
Two media crews were driving up the hard-packed limestone driveway, leaving a trail of white dust in their wake.
“So much for keeping this quiet,” Jace muttered, finally letting go of her hand as he forged forward to deal with what was sure to be the six o’clock news. “Shae, stay out of sight. Noah, call Deputy Warner and tell him I’ve got some trespassers…”
Shae stayed back and couldn’t stop the painful memories from washing over her once again. The stress of the unwanted attention twelve years ago never truly went away. Even to this day she still got inquiries from journalists or authors who were pining for the next bestseller.
She wrapped her arms around her waist, suddenly cold now that she was in the shadow of the house. Only she feared it wasn’t from the lack of sun. Jace’s touch had unexpectedly given her a sense of security she hadn’t experienced in a very long time.