“Hey, Tom.” Ethan gestured for Trapper to sit. “Where is everyone?” He glanced around the office waiting room, which was normally full of people.

His uncle tipped his head down, glancing at Ethan over the top of his reading glasses, then placed the medical chart on the top of a teetering pile of files. “I decided to close the office and give the staff the rest of the year off.”

“What?” Panic welled in Ethan’s chest. “Why would you do that? What about all the patients?”

“All appointments have been rescheduled for the new year.” Tom’s gaze pulsed like radio waves, scanning, evaluating like an MRI machine, revealing Ethan’s anxiety about not being able to work. Right now he needed the distraction of focusing on every little detail in a patient’s chart so he could stay busy and numb.

“Why don’t you take time off?” Ethan offered. “I can cover the office.”

“Everyone needs a rest, Ethan. We only had a couple patients scheduled for general office visits, and each one said they could wait until January. Plus, between the two of us, we were only scheduled three days at the urgent care clinic. That new resident who moved here last month is looking for some hours, so I told him he could have ours. It will help him get settled in.”

The seasoned doctor was like a bear in hibernation. Once he decided where to settle, nothing moved him from his spot.

“What happens if there’s an emergency?”

“Then I’ll handle it. Just like I always do. Aren’t you the one who complains you never have enough time to catch up on your reading? Now’s your chance.” Tom handed Trapper a doggy treat and patted him on the head before the corners of his eyes creased with concern. “Why are you fighting this? I thought you’d be happy to get some rest. You’ve been going nonstop since you relocated here.”

“You know as well as I do there's always work to be done at the office.”

Tom pushed his readers to the top of his head and glared at him. “Just as you know you can't work fourteen to sixteen hours a day for weeks on end and still be truly effective. I made the decision. The staff needs time to enjoy their families.”

Family. Maybe that was the problem. His patients were his family. He’d gotten to know Patricia and Margaret Bainbridge and, come the new year, Patricia’s sugar levels would be out of control. She couldn’t resist eating her niece’s homemade cookies. Then there was Bill Mason. He’d be in for back pain. He just couldn’t stop helping others dig out their car or truck. He was always overdoing it. Plus, he should check up on Stella King to see how her new heart medication was working for her.

“You’re right, the staff needs time off, but I don’t.” Ethan tried again. “What about the new billing system we’re putting in? You said we need to upgrade all the medical scripts. Why wait? I could get started on it today.”

“Nice try, but the software won’t be installed until January.”

Ethan bounced his fist on his thigh. “Then how about—”

“No. This conversation is over.” Tom then rolled out his best doctor-patient intimidation tactic. He pulled his readers off his head, plunked them on his nose, and proceeded to ignore him.

“What?” Ethan crossed his arms. “Are you going to ignore me now? I’m not one of your patients.”

“Maybe you should be.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Tom crooked a finger over the bridge of his glasses and pulled them down to the tip of his nose. “You know full well. Come December, you start working more hours, stop eating and sleeping. You’re a brilliant doctor, and in high demand, and people let you work yourself into the ground.” Tom matched Ethan’s cross-armed ante and raised him a frown. “Well, not this year. This year, you’ll take time off. Reflect. Figure out what’s what. Doctor’s orders.”

“You mean about Brigitte, Callie, and the baby? I still don’t understand why Brigitte didn’t tell me she was pregnant.”

“Have you ever thought that maybe she didn’t tell you because you didn’t want to hear it?”

Ethan sucked in a mountain of air. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. You weren’t there.”

Trapper sat on Ethan’s foot and nudged his hand. He reached to soothe the dog’s ear.

“I don’t know what I’m talking about? You sure? I seem to recall about the time you started grade school you began to close yourself off. With every passing year, you had less to say. You started building barriers. Pushing people away. Rebelling. First with your father. Then your brothers. Finally your mom. Why do you think you were sent out here to stay with me for the summer between your junior and senior year of high school?”

Ethan remembered that restless summer. Tom had worked him from sunup to sundown, clearing logs off the parcel of land where the cabin now stood. It was hard work, but it managed to work the rage of trying and failing over and over and over again out of his system.

Tom helped him see he could accomplish things, and that someone he respected would appreciate his efforts, even if his parents never did.

Ethan scratched under Trapper’s chin. “I learned a lot that summer, thanks to you.”

“But you didn’t learn the lesson I wanted you to learn. You found solace in your studies. You even convinced your dad you could get better grades in college if you lived alone. Don’t get me wrong, Ethan, you’re an amazing doctor. Brilliant. You heal people. And they love you for it. But that’s not real love.”

Years of stubborn resentment fought against the rational. “What lesson did you want me to learn?”

“I wanted you to learn to love yourself. Love who you are, not what your parents want you to be.”

Maybe he didn’t know how to love. He’d been angry as a little boy. He watched his friends’ parents hold hands and sneak a kiss when they thought no one was watching. But not his parents. His parents were about as sterile as a medical tray. They never raised their voices. There was no passion. No love. Even his younger brothers felt the absence.

The void of feeling felt scorching.

As a teen, when he couldn’t stand the isolation, he tried justifying and compartmentalizing, and when that didn’t work, he became numb. Apparently that wasn’t working for him either.

“You’re right. Brigitte tried to help me figure out how to let go, to love and be loved. If I had placed family above my work and let someone else take the emergency call that day, my wife and both my children might still be alive.”

Tom pulled a couple lollipops out of his shirt pocket, and offered them to Ethan. “You don’t know that. You need to stop beating yourself up about something you had no control over.”

“I’m not discussing my marriage again.” Ethan selected the lemon-lime flavor. “Not with you. Not today.” Not happening. “I think I’ll go make house calls. Check on some patients.”

“I knew you’d feel that way, so I’ve checked on most of our patients already. There’s nothing left for you to do except enjoy the holiday season. Now get out of here and start enjoying life.”

“I am enjoying my life.” He pounced on the word am hard and fast, as if trying to prove to himself he knew what he was talking about. “I’m doing what I love to do.”

“Yes, but being a doctor and caring for your patients, versus having a family who nurtures and supports you are different. Trust me, I know. I thought being a doctor was enough. Let me tell you it’s not. There are days when I arrive home and it feels like I’m walking into a jail cell. Life gets lonely. Trust me on this.”

“Then why don’t you date, or find someone special?”

“I could ask you the same question.”

“I’ve tried, and it didn’t work out.”

“Really? Were you really invested in your marriage? My understanding is you and Brigitte spent every waking hour at the hospital until she got pregnant and you decided to try out marriage.”

His stomach muscles and hands clenched. “What do you know about love and marriage?”

Tom flicked a hand at him dismissing the rage. “Fine. Get defensive. Deflect my comments.” Tom sat and leaned back in his chair as if they were discussing football. “One of these days, Ethan, you are going to find a woman who gets under your skin. You’ll try to shut her out because you don’t believe in love. Your parents certainly didn’t show you what love could be like, so you don’t know it exists. But love does exist. And, when you experience it, it can transform your soul. You’ll fight it, of course. You can’t trust the feeling.”

“Let me get this straight.” Ethan pointed his lollipop at his uncle. “Are you saying I don’t know what love is?”

“You know what it looks like, but my guess is you don’t know what it feels like. You’ve never allowed yourself to truly be vulnerable enough to let someone love you.”

“I think you should stick with medical practice. You’re full of shit when it comes to psychology and figuring people out.”

Tom removed his glasses and stuck one end of the frame in his mouth, his eyes narrowing. “Fair enough.” He pointed with his frames. “But let me ask you this. You’ve been here...what, two years? How many times have you invited me over for dinner? or to a concert? or for a run?”

“We did the Boulder marathon last year together.”

“Yes, we did. We’ve run together once, but both of us run two, maybe three times a week.”

“We work opposite shifts.” The excuse rolled off his tongue easily. Too easily. So easily it started guilt whirling in his chest. He held out his hands. “That sounded really lame, didn’t it?”

“Yes, it did.”

“I see your point. You’re right. I don’t really have a connection with my family. And I don’t have many friends. However, I do love what I do. I’m good at being a doctor. There’s nothing more satisfying than saving a person’s life.” He heard himself repeating the same worn-out phrase he’d been repeating all year. Ethan brushed a hand over his hair. “You have to know how grateful I am you gave me this job.”

Tom snorted. “I didn’t give you squat. This town is lucky to have you, and I’m lucky to have you in my life. Although the look on your face tells me you’re surprised to hear it.” Tom stood and took a step closer. “One of these days, Ethan, I hope you’ll let me in—let us be more than just partners.”

Tom opened his arms.

The leery, untrusting sensation Ethan felt as a boy crawled up his arms like a million marching ants. As much as he tried, he couldn’t brush the feeling away.

He knew what his uncle wanted. More than anything, he wanted to give the one person in his life who got him—who understood him—what he wanted. But he hesitated, unsure whether he could trust the feeling, and before he could conquer the anxious fear of trying and failing to connect, the moment passed.

“See? That’s what I’m talking about.” His uncle picked up and opened a file.

“Tom, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it. But, please, think about what I said.”

“I will. Promise. Oh, and by the way, I called Mrs. Cranston back. She’s fine. I think she just wanted someone to listen to her complain.”

“Someone needs to give that woman an enema. She’s crankier than a pregnant woman about to deliver.”

When Ethan stepped forward, Trapper, ever faithful stood by his side. “Tom, I—”

“I’m good.” Tom glanced up from the file he was pretending to read. “I love you, Ethan.” He tapped his chest. “In here. I feel the love. I hope I’ve been able to show you what I feel.”

“You have.” Ethan pushed through the feeling of remorse for not being able to show the man what he truly felt. “I’ll call you. We’ll go running.”

“I’ll be home, with the fireplace going, watching some football. You are welcome to stop by any time you like.”

His uncle tried to mask the disappointment, but the pull of muscles downward and the despondency welling up in his eyes was crushing.

“The same goes. Tell you what. Why don’t you stop by the cabin? Noelle set up a Christmas tree, and she’s made fudge. Two kinds. You can help me eat it.”

Surprise ignited Tom’s expression. “Really? This I will have to see.”

When Tom’s expression softened, relief fueled Ethan’s determination to follow doctor’s orders and take a vacation. “Come on, Trapper, let’s go find something to do.”

“Don’t forget to stop by the grocery store sometime today,” Tom called after him. “There’s a bad storm coming in—and before you ask, the answer is no. The urgent care clinic is fully staffed, and neither you or I are on the schedule.”

“I don’t ever remember you being so—”

“Protective?”

“I was thinking more along the lines of a part of the male anatomy.”

Tom chuckled. “It seems to run in the family.” Tom flashed a grin, then returned to studying the files in his hands, a clear signal it was time for Ethan to go.

What in the heck was he going to do for ten whole days? He turned toward the exit.

He needed to replace the garbage disposal...then there was the light in the upstairs closet needing a new socket. He looked at Trapper. He would stop by and surprise Tom. Maybe he’d get Tom and Bill at the hardware store to go ice fishing. Maybe he could ask Noelle if she knew how to snowshoe.

Noelle. There she was again.

She slipped so quietly into his thoughts.

He lifted Trapper into the back of his SUV, then settled behind the wheel, pointing the car toward the grocery store.

A vibrating buzz caught his attention, and he pulled his phone out of his pocket and swiped with one fluid motion.

“Tom? Did you change your mind?”

“No, it’s your mother.”

He closed his eyes. The sound of her voice filled him with a longing to quietly sit with her in the sunroom, reading. When he was little she’d prop a hardbound atlas in her lap and show him all the many places he could travel. She loved to read history, and when she could get away with it, she read historical romances. His father only read nonfiction, considering anything beyond business and biographies worthless trash. Maybe that’s why his father couldn’t think his way out of a box—no creative imagination.

“Hi, Mom.”

“I thought I’d call to see how you are. I know this is a tough time of year for you.”

“Mom…” His breath faltered. “I’m good. There's no need to worry.” He tried infusing a bit of peppy in his answer to calm her concerns. “How are Grandma and Dad?”

“Nan slipped a few days ago. Thankfully she didn't break anything this time.”

“Are you sure? Did you take her to get X-rays? With osteoporosis, her bones are brittle and can crack.”

“Relax, Doctor.” His mother chided casually. “She’s being taken care of. She's been resting comfortably, and has been asking about you.”

The large, gray clouds rolling in over the mountain ridge matched his mood. “We talked about me coming home this spring.”

“Yes, but I always think of you, especially at Christmastime.”

He ignored the implication. “You know how it is. A doctor's work is never done.” He was talking about catching up on his technical reading, not working with his patients, but he’d invent work just to avoid listening to Dad tell him how he was wasting his time working in a small town. He didn’t need the hassle.

The news about his grandma, however, unsettled his determination to avoid the trip home. He’d call her later to make sure she was okay.

“I just worry about you, that's all.” His mother’s voice held a delicate concern that he tried to block. He didn’t need to add more guilt to the already overflowing pile.

“I know, Mom. I do know.” His hand tightened on the steering wheel. “So, what are you getting Dad for Christmas?”

“Did I tell you he’s taking golf lessons at the club? He wants to get his game under eighty, so I bought him a driver he’s been eying.”

“I'm surprised he hasn’t bought a golf cart.”

A sarcastic laugh puffed through the speaker. “Don’t encourage him. He’s already been eying a custom-made one that looks more like a racecar than a golf cart. Can you just see him racing around the neighborhood in one of those?”

He could. His dad always wanted shiny new things. Thanks to Ethan’s grandfather’s trust, he could afford pretty much everything that caught his eye. “Maybe he should stick with buying golf clubs for now. Nothing ever holds his attention long.”

“True.” His mother’s voice was soft, contemplative. When Ethan opened his mouth to ask what was wrong, she added, “Maybe you and your brothers could arrange to go to Florida this summer. It would be fun. When’s the last time you got together?”

He dropped his head. “Mom…”

“Ethan. I know William always pushed you boys to compete in grades and sports. He’s proud of the fact he’s got a doctor, a lawyer, and a banker in the family. And he’s proud of the work you did in Tanzania.”

“But, he’s not proud now, is he, Mom? He hates the idea of me wasting my education working in this Podunk town.”

“He just wants you to live a good life.”

No, he wants me to live a rich and famous life. “I’m helping people, Mom, one person at a time. Tom taught me that. I don’t need to save the world.”

The conviction in this statement startled him. They weren’t just words any longer. Working with Brigitte in Tanzania had been euphoric. Side by side they worked, day in day out. It was her passion to find drugs to slow the spread of HIV and malaria. The drive to find a cure kept them going. Once she was gone, the desire to keep writing articles and publishing medical findings and pushing to save the world died.

“As long as you're happy.”

I just need to get through the next ten days, and then I'll be able to breathe again. “Don't worry about me Mom. I'm fine.”

“I've put a package in the mail for you. Just a little something for Christmas. And don't forget to call your brothers.”

“I will.” He controlled his breathing to keep the irritation from puffing into the phone. “And Mom? Your gifts should be arriving tomorrow. Take care.”

He did care about his Mom. However, the relationship with the rest of the family was strained. His brothers were a mini version of his dad, and, while he liked them all well enough, he couldn’t find it within himself to respect them, and without respect, the love just wouldn’t follow.

“I love you, Son. I hope you know that.”

“I do. And tell Grandma when I come this spring, we’ll go dancing.” The trill of laughter made him smile. “Later.”

“Later.” The phone disconnected.

Family. His father’s demands and his brothers’ competitive pressure to get a high-powered job and be immensely successful was a long haul to the top of that mountain, a path he wasn't sure he wanted to travel anymore. The price was too steep. The drive to succeed had cost him everything.

Trapper leaned in and licked his ear.

“It’s okay, buddy. I know.”

He glanced at the entrance to Valu-Shop, the only grocery store in town. Maybe time off was warranted. He needed to figure out what he wanted out of life. For the past three years he'd been working hard to stay numb, drifting from day to day, skimming the surface and no more.

“Ready to go shopping, Traps? You like Harold.” His pooch blew hot air onto the back of his neck. “Harold’s your buddy. He gives you treats. That's why you're so fat. Everyone always gives you treats. That’s because you’re lovable.” Unlike me.

He opened the car door to let Trapper maneuver into the front seat. To his surprise Trapper jumped down. “Good boy! Look at you go.”

He studied the mountain ridge ahead of him, watching the clouds hover and swirl just above. The air felt damp, cold, but for the first time in a long while, he felt warm.

“Okay. Let’s get to the store before this storm kicks in. Then we can find out what Noelle's been up to.”

Hearing Noelle’s name, Trapper barked. His tail wagged, his body wiggled with excitement, and matched Ethan’s feelings, even if Ethan couldn’t show it.

He couldn’t wait to get home to see Noelle.

Heaven only knew what she’d been up to.

She was always full of surprises.