Scott
Sitting down on the couch with Dare curled up on my lap and his legs stretched out over Ryan’s lap wasn’t how I’d pictured having this conversation. In my head, it’d involved a lot of pacing and possibly hiding; this was a lot more exposed than I’d imagined.
Dare’s position on my lap also meant I was stuck, which might have been his intention or just random luck. He’d made it pretty clear at the bar that his preferred place to sit was on one of us, so he probably didn’t even realize he was neatly trapping us into staying put even if things got stressful.
Not that I thought Ryan would react badly…I was more concerned with dying of embarrassment.
Not that there was anything to be embarrassed about.
I just had to keep reminding myself that.
Dare liked it too, so even if Ryan thought it was odd, I wasn’t alone. That shouldn’t have mattered—I was old enough to stand up for what I liked and who I was—but it did. As I wrapped my arms around Dare, just the reminder that he was there with me made me feel warm and comforted.
Dare kept saying it would be fine. I just had to focus on that. It wasn’t crazy, and Ryan was my friend. It was going to be fine.
Ryan must have realized something was going on because he was just as quiet as I was. I stayed focused on Dare because I wasn’t sure what I would see on Ryan’s face, and Dare just radiated confidence and the feeling that everything would be okay.
Dare must have seen the stress on my face because he smiled and reached out to take one of Ryan’s hands and entwined it with my hand that was resting on his leg. When he had both of us wrapped up together, his smile turned more tender. “I think we have a few things we need to discuss. I’m not sure how to start, however, because it’s not things that involve just me.”
He was right. I wanted him to take the lead, but it was my story and not something he could handle for me, no matter how much I wanted him to. Ryan started to say something, but I beat him to whatever question he had. “I need to explain some things.”
Dare squeezed our hands, and Ryan quieted. I glanced over at his face, and I could see curiosity and something else I couldn’t decide on. Impatience…maybe worry. Whatever he was concerned about, I hoped my explanations cleared things up and didn’t make it harder for him.
Dare nodded and gave me an approving look. “Okay, we’re listening.”
I knew he was proud of me for not backing down, but that didn’t mean finding the words was easy. I sat there in silence for far too long before I forced out the words that were bouncing around in my head.
It came out a jumbled mess. “Do you know why I liked Ian so much? He never made me figure out how to please him or what he wanted. It didn’t take long in college before I realized most guys weren’t like him. They kept expecting me to be something else, and it was just awkward because it wasn’t me.”
It wasn’t until I stopped talking and Dare smiled that it occurred to me that I’d talked around it but hadn’t actually addressed the issue. I opened my mouth to keep going when Ryan broke his silence. “What do you mean Ian didn’t make you figure out what he wanted?”
His words were quiet, and I could hear something in his voice that said what he’d asked hadn’t really been what he wanted to know. I just wasn’t sure what else he was looking for. How much of the truth did he want?
“He was…really take-charge once he realized that it made me more…comfortable.” And that was clearly a copout.
Dare raised one eyebrow and glanced between the both of us. I was ready to keep talking, but Ryan started again. “Ian liked…being in charge.”
I nodded and peeked at Ryan. He looked…stunned. Was he okay? Did he understand?
I wasn’t sure what to do so I focused back on Dare with a questioning look. What did he think I should do?
He sighed, but smiled like we were both precious. “I think we’re going around in circles.”
The couch cushions shifted as Ryan and I both nodded. Dare’s smile widened to a silent laugh. When neither of us spoke, he started talking again. I was just relieved to have him finally take control. “How would you both feel if I spelled everything out?”
That was easy to answer. “Relieved.”
“Thrilled.” Ryan sounded like “relieved” would have been a good answer for him too.
Why was it so hard? He wasn’t upset about Ian; we’d always found it funny that we’d been “dating” him at the same time. And I wasn’t even sure if he’d understood what I’d been trying to say, so his reaction couldn’t have been about my liking to submit.
Because I hadn’t actually said it yet.
Dare chuckled quietly and took a deep breath. “Okay. Now I want you both to remember that you’re friends first and foremost. Right?”
We both nodded like bobblehead dolls, but I was too nervous to find it funny.
Trying not to chuckle again, Dare sat up straighter and gave us both a long look. “You both liked Ian because he was more take-charge and he didn’t make you be the first to initiate things, right?”
I could only assume by Dare’s smile that we’d both nodded again, but I didn’t look. “When you’re first trying to come out and understanding what you like and who you are, that can be easier. But once things got started, it went beyond that because Ian didn’t just like being in charge, he got off on it.”
It felt like I was missing something from Dare’s explanation. Something obvious, by the look on his face.
We’d both dated Ian.
He’d gotten off on the control.
We’d both dated Ian.
Ohh.
I glanced over at Ryan who had the same look on his face. Embarrassment mixed with feeling stupid for having missed the obvious. “When you first said you’d been seeing him too I was worried that he’d told you about me. I didn’t even think to ask or even wonder if he’d done the same…stuff with you. I was just relieved you didn’t seem to know anything about us.”
Ryan nodded and leaned back against the couch for the first time. “Same.”
Dare squeezed our hands again. “I’m just going to spell this out so there’s no question later. You both liked him because he was evidently a hot little twink who got off on telling two sexy and submissive jocks what to do in the bedroom. Are we on the same page?”
Before he’d even gotten halfway through his speech, I’d closed my eyes and let my head fall back against the couch. Mumbling a low, “Yes,” I tried to sound somewhat in control of the situation. I mostly just wanted to hide under the couch.
Dare had the right idea when he’d sat on our laps.
Oh.
“Ryan told you too.”
I opened my eyes to see Dare nodding, now looking more reserved. “Yes, but it was clear you both wanted to keep it quiet, so I respected your privacy. But we need to be able to talk about these things in the future so it doesn’t build up and get…difficult.”
“So we’re not putting you in the middle.” Ryan’s voice seemed less stressed and as he spoke, his fingers started caressing mine.
“That would be helpful too.” Dare seemed to relax when he realized we weren’t upset.
How could we be? He’d done his best to keep our secrets and find a way to bring everything out into the open. “We put you in a weird spot.”
“Kind of, but I was more worried about you two.” Dare took his free hand and reached over to touch my cheek, then Ryan’s. “You were so nervous about the other finding out that you never stopped to see the obvious. You both want to submit and there’s nothing wrong with that.”
I was feeling oddly frustrated. I’d built it up so big in my head that the simple reality was almost a letdown. Not that I’d wanted the crazy argument or drama, but it’d seemed so real it was hard to adjust to.
“Just because there’s nothing wrong with it doesn’t mean people are rational. It also doesn’t mean we wouldn’t react badly when it all came out.” I turned to Ryan. “I knew no matter how you felt about it you wouldn’t think I was weird or wrong.” I glanced back to Dare. “You didn’t have that reassurance of how we’d react. We could have easily lost it over you knowing but not telling us.”
Dare shrugged and nodded. “Yes, but I’ve gotten to know you both pretty well over the last week, and I didn’t think you’d be angry. You’re so understanding together that I had a feeling you’d extend at least some of that to me.” He leaned over and kissed both our cheeks again. “You both worry but always see the good in the other.”
I felt like a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders, but there were too many questions running around in my head for me to actually relax. Turning to Ryan, I tried to sort through and see what I should ask first. “Did you know right away with Ian?”
Dare started caressing our fingers with his and just listened. If he had any reservations about hearing about a past lover, I couldn’t see it in his face or feel it in his body.
Ryan shrugged but wasn’t surprised by the question. He probably had a lot too. “No. I knew something was different, but to begin with, I was focused on the whole gay thing. I knew pretty early girls weren’t as fascinating to me as they were to most of the other guys, but I was still in fairly strong denial when Ian approached me after practice.”
“Yeah, that’s basically what happened with me. He met me outside the locker room right after practice one day and said we needed to talk. I thought it was about the history project we’d been assigned, but he had something else in mind.” I smiled at the memory. I’d been horrified that he’d figured out my secret, but he hadn’t wanted to out me, he’d just wanted to see if I was curious enough to explore things with him.
Dare sighed dramatically. “I bet you two were so hot in your football gear…all sweaty and sexy. He must have had a thing for bigger guys.”
Ryan smiled. “Probably, and looking back, he knew way too many guys on the football team for a gay twink in the drama club. Even for a school with a strict zero-tolerance policy for bullying.”
Oh. Then something occurred to me. “He knew the assistant coach on a first-name basis too.”
They both just looked at me with their mouths open. “I’m not saying they did anything, but the assistant coach was hot and Ian kept calling him Allen instead of Coach James like the rest of us did.”
Ryan shook his head like he was clearing the crazy things out. “After a while, it got easier to understand what was going on with Ian. He made it clear he was in charge, but that I could say no at any time. By the time I got to college we’d stopped…dating…and I understood what I liked, but that didn’t make it any easier.”
I finished the thought I knew was running through his head. “Because when you look like the quarterback of the football team, you’re not supposed to be gay, much less want someone else to be in charge.”
Ryan nodded and squeezed our hands tight before relaxing his grip and continuing the slow caress of our fingers. “Yep.”
Dare spoke up again. “Without making you both go into details about your personal life that you might not be ready to share, I’m just going to say that you’re both on the same page when it comes to practical knowledge of submission.”
I glanced at Ryan to see him blushing. “What?”
Dare chuckled and leaned over to give Ryan a peck on the cheek. “Ryan doesn’t use the word.”
“I like the word.” Every time Dare said it he sent shivers down my spine.
Ryan sighed and grumbled, “There’s nothing wrong with the word.”
“You don’t have to use the word.” He could explain it however he wanted as long as it didn’t chase us apart.
“It just feels…I don’t match the image in my head that I picture when I say the word. I’ve been to clubs and even some more interesting ones that had BDSM couples and stuff.” Ryan was normally better at explaining things than I was, but I wasn’t sure what he was saying that time.
Dare did.
“Subs at the club come off as insatiable bottoms, don’t they?”
Ryan nodded.
I’d never been to a club like that, but I’d had enough guys come on to me that I could picture what he meant.
Dare paused for a moment before continuing. “They never talk about topping their Dom or wanting to switch, and it didn’t fit your image of what you wanted. Ian was in charge, but Ian liked to bottom, didn’t he?”
Ian had been an insatiable bottom.
I nodded, but Ryan chuckled. He must have had very similar memories. “Yeah, we um…switched sometimes, but he mostly wanted to bottom.”
Topping from the bottom.
When other people used that expression they seemed to picture bossy subs who tried to control things even though they really wanted their Dom in charge. I always pictured Ian. Bottom never meant sub for me. Maybe it was because he was my first Dom, even though we’d never called it that, or maybe it was because I’d always wanted to submit but I’d never bottomed. Either way, they weren’t connected in my mind.
“Do you like to top?” Dare asked the question like he’d asked what flavor of ice cream Ryan liked.
“Um, yes?”
He didn’t seem very sure of that answer. I chuckled and said, “I’m the one who answers questions with questions, not you.”
Ryan snorted but relaxed and grinned. “Ever think I’m learning from you?”
“Do I always do that?”
They both just laughed and it took me a minute to realize what I’d done. “Oh.”
Ryan shook his head and then glanced back to Dare. “Yes, I like to top. Bottoming is okay but…it feels kind of weird.”
Dare shrugged and started to speak, but then he looked at me and cocked his head like I was an interesting specimen he wanted to explore. “What do you think about that, Scott?”
“What do I think about what?”
Ryan snorted, and it only took a second to realize what he found ridiculous. “I didn’t mean to do it that time.”
Dare just waited quietly, and I had a feeling his patience would outlast my embarrassment so I forced the words out. “I think I need a different question?”
Dare finally cracked a grin. “What do you think about Ryan’s opinion on bottoming?”
“I think that it’s a valid opinion and a lot of couples don’t include it as something they do in bed.” The internet was a wealth of odd information but occasionally it had something interesting.
Ryan snorted again. “That sounds like something you read on a dirty wiki page.”
Dare laughed. “I was thinking some kind of commercial.”
“What?” He’d asked what I thought about Ryan not wanting to bottom.
Ryan gave me a look like he was wondering where I’d left my brain. “He wanted to know what you thought about me not really wanting to bottom, not the explanation, but your opinion on it.”
“Why would I have an opinion on it? It’s your body.”
Dare laughed. “Let’s try something different.”
“Okay.” Anything had to be easier than discussing Ryan’s preference for topping.
“Do you like bottoming?”
And I was wrong.