Chapter 21

Jacob

MY HANDS clenched at my side, my knuckles white beneath tanned skin.

That was the moment, the very second in which I could’ve proved to Sierra that she mattered to me, could’ve finally remedied the hurt I’d done her all those years ago. That was my moment to be a white knight and save the day.

And I’d failed.

I had completely, totally failed the woman of my dreams.

My inner voice, that old demon, spoke up. But she’s clearly been seeing other people. That Instagram video Joe mentioned suggests as much.

But now, with just a little bit more time to think it over, I realized that that wasn’t my business. Who was I to get mad that she was seeing other people? What, had I expected her to be ruined for all other men by my exit two years ago? What kind of hubristic asshole was I? And if she was seeing somebody else, if she was cheating on him with me… then that wasn’t my business, it was hers. And hell, maybe she wasn’t even dating him! I’d drawn so much from one story relayed to me by one angry man.

“Fool,” I muttered to myself. The words slipped out like a curse, a damnation.

“What?” Joe asked, pivoting back to face me.

I’d forgotten that Joe was still here. “Nothing.”

God, I was not only a fool, but a coward. Because as much as the dominant part of me wanted to tell Joe he’d messed up, that he should chase after Sierra and beg her forgiveness, the smaller, survivalist instinct reminded me that I couldn’t afford to piss Joe off. As much as it was shameful, I couldn’t afford to lose this deal with Pillers — my dad’s livelihood, not to mention my own, depended on it. Which meant I had to stoop and simper to the guy who’d just ruined Sierra’s life.

“Nothing,” I repeated, louder. I hated myself, hated every false move I was taking, knowing that I’d be ruing these mere minutes for years to come.

“Fine,” Joe sniffed. “And Jacob?”

“Yes?”

His expression darkened once more. “Don’t think you’re in the clear. I’m still pissed. Beyond pissed. What you did was wildly inappropriate. If the situation were less tight, if I had an extra inch of wiggle room on the deal… you’d be out on your ass right now.”

He took a breath, and for a masochistic moment, I wished I was out on my ass. Maybe being fired would clear my conscience, allow me to finally put my personal life before my work life.

“But that’s not gonna happen,” Joe finished. “Much as I might wish it. So don’t get cocky. I don’t want to replace you, but cross me again and I’ll do it. See you tomorrow.”

With that, he blew out of the room, leaving me alone in the room with my thoughts and my insurmountable guilt.

What was there to do? Where did I go from here?

I had to find Sierra.

There was no chance at reconciliation, I knew that, but I had to apologize, at the very, very least for taking Joe’s recount and accepting it at face value. There was so much else to beg forgiveness for, but I could at least start there.

I raced out of the room — luckily, I was headed in a different direction than Joe, so he wouldn’t see me sprinting through the house.

Floral wallpaper and gilded frames flew by in the corner of my vision. My hands pumped at my sides and my legs felt like they might rip through my jeans. My heavy boots slapped against pristine marble as I turned corner after corner after corner, mounted one set of stairs, raced beneath a string of garlanded chandeliers, and hit another set of steps. I was moving on pure instinct, my mind at last clear of everything but one goal — get to Sierra.

Soon enough, I was in our hallway, quickly ticking by each door until I found the one labeled “Sierra.” I hesitated outside of the door, taking a breath. Was this a good idea? Maybe not. But it didn’t matter — it was the best I had.

I banged on the door, and whispered furtively, “Sierra.”

No response.

I tried again. “Sierra.”

Nothing.

My fist fell on the door once more, louder this time, as I raised my voice to speaking level, not caring if I woke up other Pillers employees. Let the whole world hear.

“Sierra!”

The door swung open before I could knock once more, and I was greeted by Sierra’s tear-stained face, mascara running down in rivulets — it was a mask of pure pain. Well, pain and anger. Definitely anger, too.

“Hi,” I said, suddenly unsure of myself.

She laughed, a frightening noise that felt like a punch in the gut. “Hi?” she repeated. “That’s all you’ve got to say for yourself? Man, that figures.” She shook her head. “Get lost.”

“Please—”

Her mouth pulled down into a fierce scowl. “I have to pack, Jacob, or didn’t you hear? I’m fired.”

She turned around, and attempted to shut the door, but I stuck my foot in.

“Move,” she insisted. “Move your foot.”

I shook my head. “I’m sorry, no. I want to respect your wishes, but I need to at least apologize to you first. And then you can… can hit me, curse me out, do whatever the hell you want. We shouldn’t talk about this in the hallway.”

There was that sickening laugh again. “No, you can’t talk about it in the hallway,” she corrected. “I have nothing left to lose.”

Sierra opened the door, but blocked me from entering with her body. I could see that we were gonna have to have this out, right here, right now. And if it woke up other members of the company, well, I’d deal with that later.

“Fine,” I said. “You wanna talk here, that’s where we’ll talk.”

“That wasn’t my point,” she argued. “And it’s pretty damn convenient that you only wanna pipe up now, after I’ve lost my job. You could’ve spoken out back there, could’ve said something to Joe. Instead you just… stood around, and let me take all the blame.” She crossed her arms over her chest.

Finally, a chance to explain. “I’m sorry. You’re right,” I agreed, “I didn’t do anything, and that was the moment when I should’ve stepped up. It was because of the whole Instagram thing—”

She stopped me dead in my tracks, saying, “Are you serious? After everything we’ve shared, you’re worried about some social media mistake I made? It had nothing to do with you! Literally! God, I can’t believe I’m still hearing about this post, it was an accident, why doesn’t anybody understand that?!”

“No, I’m not saying—”

“You’re saying you don’t believe me. You’re saying, I’d guess, that from what Joe said about it, you think I’m seeing someone else. Isn’t that right?”

I couldn’t do more than nod.

She shook her head with shock. “How could you? How could we have shared everything we did and still you think… wow. No, I am not seeing anyone. Not now, not then. You were the last man I dated. You shattered me and it has taken a long time to get over you. Anyway, I don’t even know anymore, Jacob. Like, I don’t know you. I thought I did, for just a few days there, but evidently, that trust was one-sided.”

“I know,” I said, hanging my head in shame, the feeling of disappointment in myself overwhelming.

Suddenly, it was like all of Sierra’s anger, from now but also from years ago, rose out of her throat and formed words. “You should have treated me better!” she shouted, certainly loud enough to wake up the hallway, maybe loud enough to wake up the whole house. “I deserve better!”

I heard a door open down the hall, but no one came out, but I didn’t budge from the doorway. Screw decorum.

“You needed to fight for me, Jacob,” she said, this time in a low voice, her eyes blazing. “And you didn’t. So now it’s over, we’re over. Which means you need to get the fuck away from my door.”

She slammed the thick oak in my face, and I was left alone in the suddenly quiet hall, my breathing heavy and my mind racing.

At the very least, I needed to get out of this public space. I strode a couple feet away from Sierra’s room, a place I knew would forever be seared in my memory, and into my own. I just manage to shut my door before collapsing in a nearby armchair and doubling over at the waist, scrunching my fingers against my eyes, hoping I could rub the image of Sierra’s devastated face from my brain.

And then, in a moment of desperation, I reached out to the only lifeline I had left — I picked up my phone, and dialed a number.

After a couple of seemingly infinite rings, the line picked up. “Hello?”

“Hi, Dad,” I said in a ragged voice.

“Jacob, what’s wrong?” he asked immediately, with the sixth sense only a parent can have for their child’s distress.

“I’ve fucked up. Big time.”

I proceeded to tell him the whole story — Sierra, Joe, Pillers, Charles… the whole thing. In the back of my mind, it occurred to me that Sierra might be able to hear through our walls, but I didn’t care. At least she would hear me laying my heart bare. After a long time, I drew to close.

“So… yeah. That’s what happened. And I feel like shit. I’ve never hated myself so much. Dad, what do I do? Is it time to just, I dunno, move on? I really like her, but I don’t think she’ll ever forgive me.”

My dad had been listening quietly the entire time, making the occasional noise to let me know he was paying attention. He took another few seconds of silence before at last speaking up. “You say you like this girl.”

“Yes.”

“Could you love her?”

I didn’t hesitate. “Yes.”

“Then the answer is simple. You can’t let her go, at least not like this.”

“But—”

“Jacob, I know what happened between your mother and I messed with your head,” he sighed. “And for that, I’m sorry. The divorce was messy, and you shouldn’t have been put through that, especially not at such a young age. But not all relationships go that way. And if I’d fought for her just a little bit harder… who knows. Maybe you’d still have a mom in your life.”

He paused, and I waited for him to find the words to go on.

Eventually, he did. “Don’t let my mistakes become yours. Decisions aren’t genetic. The only thing I’ve ever wanted to pass onto you is the lessons I had to learn the hard way, so that you wouldn’t have to feel that pain. I realize now that was stupid — we all have to learn the hard way. But please, please, let this be one teaching I can just give you — chase love.”

I wanted to listen to him, I really did. I wanted to run after Sierra in the dead of night, stop her in the airport, profess my devotion.

But, conversely, I knew that she didn’t want me around. And that to go after her, despite knowing as much, would be unfair, and a violation. Really, she’d made it clear from day one here she didn’t like me or want to be with me. I suppose that, if I’d just listened to that, and not tried to fight it, I might’ve ended up in a very different position. At least, a more peaceful one.

“Thanks for listening, Dad.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means I appreciate the advice, but I can’t follow it. I don’t want to chase her. Or rather, I do, but I care more about her feelings than my own. I can’t hurt Sierra more than I already have — it would be cruel.”

He sighed in the way that only parents can — with a disappointment that makes your toes curl. I shifted further back into the armchair, until it felt like my ass was slipping off the edge of the seat. It reminded me of how I used to sit as a petulant teenager at dinner, nearly horizontal. Funny how we seemed to be right back in those old roles, even after all these years I’d spent taking care of my father.

“You’re making a mistake,” he insisted.

“Maybe.”

“Definitely.”

I considered his words again, but knew that I’d already resolved my heart. “Definitely,” I agreed at last. “Doesn’t change anything.”

There was a long pause as we both seemed to ruminate over my truth.

“You gotta lotta love in you,” my dad finally said. “I hope it don’t eat you alive.”

“I hope so too,” I murmured.