The intro starts to play, and I see Evie freeze in the passenger seat beside me.
It’s like the radio is playing a sick joke on me. I never listen to this song. Ever. I have successfully avoided hearing it in nearly ten years, and now that Evie’s sitting here beside me as we drive to the place where we met and fell in love, our wedding song starts to play on the fucking radio.
Well, fuck Bon Jovi and their fucking “Livin’ on a Prayer.”
I reach over and change the music station just as Jon Bon Jovi launches into a full warble. And what do I get? Bruno Mars wailing “When I Was Your Man.”
For fuck’s sake.
This is not good, but it’s definitely better than listening to the song we got married to. And it’s definitely better than sitting in complete silence for the rest of the journey.
We’ve hardly said a word to each other since I picked Evie up from outside her apartment building in Culver City forty-five minutes ago. She told me she’d wait outside for me. I guess she didn’t want her dad or Casey to know she was going away with me.
And yeah, I know how long we’ve been in the car. I’ve been watching the clock. There’s not much else to do when sitting in the car with your soon-to-be ex-wife, whom you’re still fucking, than look at the road ahead, listen to the radio, and continuously check the time.
I’m just thanking God that we’re only a few more minutes away from the beach house. Otherwise, I might have to shoot myself.
I guess I didn’t think how it would be, actually spending time with Evie since we started sleeping together. Not that we actually sleep. We just fuck. Then, after we’re done, I go and hide in the shower until she leaves because I don’t know how to deal. Afterward, I spend the rest of the night and the next day telling myself that it won’t happen again, that I’m done. Finito, she is out of my system.
Until I find myself standing outside the coffee shop, waiting for her to finish working. Yes, I know her work schedule.
I’m so screwed.
I’m addicted to her again. My obsession is in full flow. I can’t believe how stupid I’m being. But I can’t seem to stop. I don’t know how to stop.
I’m eighteen years old again and at her mercy.
I know it has to stop because I can’t keep doing this to myself.
I can feel myself softening toward her, getting close again, and I can’t let that happen. I can’t risk letting her shred me to pieces again.
I barely survived the last time.
So, after this weekend, I am definitely done. I’m going to tell her that it has to stop. No more.
After this weekend, no more sex with Evie.
Yeah, sure you are, Gunner. You keep telling yourself that. You’re in so deep again that you can’t even see a way out.
I swing my car into my driveway and turn off the engine.
“You still have the beach house?” Evie asks in surprised voice, staring at it through the windshield.
My scalp starts to prickle. “I bought it when I got back from Harvard.”
I watch her processing this information, and then she turns her face to me. “It always was a beautiful house.”
You’re beautiful.
I suddenly feel like I can’t breathe.
Fuck.
I open my door and get out of the car.
You need to sort your shit out, Gunner, ASAP.
I get Evie’s overnight bag from the trunk and head to the house, with her behind me. I unlock the front door, letting her in first.
I watch her step inside the hall. Her movements are timid, like she’s afraid.
Maybe she is.
I am. I’m fucking terrified.
I hadn’t considered before now, how difficult it would be to have her in the beach house again.
It’s hard. Really hard.
There’s an ache in my chest that won’t seem to go away, and I have a feeling it’s going to be here all weekend.
“You’re in the spare room,” I say as I walk past her, heading for the stairs.
She follows behind me.
When I reach the landing, I pass by what used to be Max’s old room, and it is now mine. “This is me,” I tell her, jerking my thumb at the door. “And this is you.” I open the door to what she will remember as the spare room.
It’s now the guest room where Max usually stays when he’s here. With the worst view in the whole house, it overlooks the side entrance to the house, so basically, you’re looking at a fence.
When I moved back here, I took Max’s old room and made it my bedroom.
I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in my old bedroom. Too many memories in there.
But I didn’t want anyone else sleeping in there either, so I turned the spare room into the guest room.
“Sorry about the view.” I jerk my head in the direction of the window as I put her bag down on the bed.
“No, it’s fine. Perfect. Thank you for letting me stay here.” She smiles as she sits down on the edge of the bed.
Evie. Bed. Beach house.
I have the sudden urge to make love to her, which is definitely not a good idea, considering I’m suddenly calling it making love and not fucking.
I’m so screwed.
“It’s no problem.” It’s such a big problem that I can’t even begin to explain it to you. “I told Grady that we’d go see him as soon as we got here. Do you need to freshen up before we go?” I’m backing up toward the door.
“I could do with a quick freshen-up.” She smiles at me again, this one a little weaker.
“Towels are in the bathroom. So, I’ll see you downstairs when you’re ready.”
“Okay. Thank you,” she says.
Closing the door behind me, I rest my head against it and let out a breath.
I can do this. Evie being here isn’t a big deal.
Taking a step away from her door, I make my way back downstairs and head out onto the deck to wait for her.
I’m just working through some emails on my phone when she appears. She’s wearing different clothes—a strappy white summer dress that has little pink and purple flowers on it that stops just shy of her knees. Her hair is down. Her face is still clean of makeup, except for a little gloss on her lips.
She looks beautiful.
And she sees me staring because she starts nervously running her hands up and down her dress.
Then, she says, “I thought I’d make a bit of an effort. I wasn’t sure if we’d be having lunch with Grady or not. Is it too much? I can go change—”
“No, it’s fine.” I clear my throat. “We’ll be having lunch. Not sure where though. It’s Grady’s pick.” I check my watch. “We should go.” I pick up my house keys off the table and put them along with my cell into my jeans pocket. “I thought we could walk along the beach to Grady’s?”
“Sounds great.”
I lock up the back door and follow her down the steps to the beach.
I watch her gaze catch and linger on the rock she used to sit on to sketch. It was the first place I saw her, the first place we talked, the place where I fell in love with her.
I’m moving closer to her without even realizing I’m doing it.
Her hair blows in the breeze, brushing against my chest. I breathe in her scent. She smells of everything that once represented happiness to me.
Standing here with her reminds me of the times we would just stand out on the beach together with my arms wrapped around her from behind, her scent in my nose, our toes buried in the sand. We’d watch the sunset and listen to the waves crashing in against the sand.
“It still looks the same,” she says softly. “Like no time has passed at all, you know?”
“Yeah, I know,” I say, my eyes fixed on her.
Being here with her, it could almost be like nothing has changed. It’s ten years ago, and we’re still in love. No anger, no pain, no hate. Just her and me.
She turns to face me, and the past is written all over her face.
And it hurts so very badly. Because I know what the reality is, and it isn’t happy. That’s for sure.
“Let’s go.” I turn away and start walking down the beach toward Grady’s.
It doesn’t take us long to reach the Shack. The walk was a little tense but not as tense as the car journey here. Maybe the sea air is loosening us up a bit. That, and the fact that I know Grady will be with us soon, and he will monopolize all of her attention makes me feel a little better.
When we arrive, I open the door, letting Evie in first, and see that the shop is busy.
Grady is behind the counter. The second he sees her, his face lights up. He’s around that counter and sweeping her up into his arms in seconds.
“Look at you!” he says to her. “You look exactly the same. Still as beautiful as ever. God, I have missed you, Evie Girl.”
“Missed you, too,” she says in an almost whisper, as he lowers her to her feet.
I can see tears glistening her eyes. I didn’t think about how hard coming back here might be for her.
I was only thinking about how hard it would be for me.
Base comes out of the stock room, and he immediately spots her. “Holy fuck! Evie Taylor!” He charges at her like a bull and sweeps her up off her feet.
My body stiffens, and I have the sudden urge to take his head off his shoulders. I don’t care how big he is.
“Grady said you were back, and you’d be coming in today. But I wasn’t believing that shit until I saw you, and here you are,” Base says to her.
His face is right in hers, his hands still on her. I can feel my muscles bunching up.
“Yep. Here I am.” She gives him a weak smile.
“You here to stay?”
She shakes her head. “Just the weekend. But I only live fifty minutes away, up in Culver City, so I can visit anytime.”
Visit him without me. Over my dead body.
I don’t mind Base. He’s a cool guy, but I won’t hesitate in busting up his face if he doesn’t stop touching what’s mine.
Mine?
But that’s just it. Evie isn’t mine, and she hasn’t been for a long time.
“Fucking A!” Base yells, hugging her again.
I swear to God, mine or not, if he doesn’t get his fucking hands off her, I’m going to—
“How are you doing over here?” Grady steps up beside me.
“I’m good,” I answer through gritted teeth.
“So, you’re sleeping with Evie again,” he says in a lowered voice.
What the hell?
My eyes flick to his. I hold his stare for a long moment, mine challenging him, but he doesn’t back down.
I look away and let out a sigh. “Yeah, I am.”
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
“No, not really.”
“Look, I don’t want to interfere because that’s not my bag, but you’ve become like a son to me over the years, and I love Evie a whole lot. I don’t want either of you getting hurt. I know how bad things were for you after she left. I don’t want you going back there. And things like this usually end up going only one way—south.”
My chest is tight again. It happens every time Grady calls me son. It’s the same when Richard calls me it, too.
I’ve either got serious daddy issues, or I’m heading for a heart attack. And the way I’ve been feeling around Evie lately, I’m thinking it might be the latter.
“Neither do I.” I meet his eyes. Then, I look back at Evie. “So, how did you know that I was sleeping with her, old man?” Subtly has never been my specialty, but I didn’t think I was doing anything outwardly obvious.
He lets out a laugh. “I might be old, but I’m not fucking blind. You haven’t taken your eyes off her since you walked through the door, and right now, you look like you’re about to rip Base’s head off at any second.”
“Yeah, well, he’s being a handsy motherfucker, and he needs to be taught some manners.” I scowl over at Base.
He’s finally taken his hands off Evie, but he’s got her attention, talking to her about something that requires him to move his hands a lot, and she’s laughing at whatever it is he’s saying.
She’s laughing.
My chest starts to ache again.
I haven’t heard her laugh once since she came back. Now that I think about it, I definitely haven’t seen a real smile from her. I’ve seen plenty of forced smiles, fake smiles…and sad smiles but not the real thing.
And right now, she’s smiling and laughing with him, and I’m jealous.
Yeah, I’m that guy.
Because I want to be the one to make her laugh and smile.
But then I’d actually have to be a human being to her to get her to even smile at me, and being human around Evie feels like a huge task that I don’t know I can manage.
I know if I want that from her, then something has to change. And I have to be the one to make that change.
I just don’t know if I can—or if it’s even a good idea.
“Take it easy, son. He hasn’t seen her in a long time, and he’s just happy to see her. That’s all. And I can’t have you fighting in my store. My insurance won’t cover it.”
“I have my checkbook with me.” I give him a slow grin.
“Funny. Now, come on, let’s pry your girl away from Base, so I can take you both to lunch.”
We take our seats at Plate—me next to Evie, Grady sitting across from her. I was surprised when Grady said we were eating here. He’s more of a pizza-and-beer kind of guy than healthy organic food.
“So, you going healthy on me, old man?” I say, grinning over my menu at him.
“No, you’re paying, and this place is pretty pricey. I always wanted to try it.” He smirks at me. “And the doc did tell me to cut back on the fatty foods, so I figured that spending your money and eating healthy is a win-win for me.”
“Doctor?” My alert goes up a notch. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, kid. Just a checkup. The doc has been telling me to lay off the fatty food and beer for years. I haven’t, and I’m still good, still out surfing every day.”
I stare at him for a long moment. Nerves twisting in my gut.
“So, what can I get everyone to drink?” the waitress asks, appearing out of nowhere.
“Beer for me,” Grady says.
I raise a brow at him.
“I said, cutting back, not giving up.”
“Sparkling water for me,” Evie says.
“Same for me,” I say.
“So, Evie Girl”—Grady leans over the table toward Evie and takes her hand as he looks her in the eyes—“I want to hear all about what you’ve been doing since I last saw you. How are your dad and young Casey?”
“She’s not young Casey anymore. She’s eighteen now and about to start UCLA. She wants to be a nurse.”
I watch the pride in her eyes as she talks about Casey, and it pulls in my gut.
And that’s how lunch goes. I sit there, mostly listening to them catch up on the last ten years. I don’t miss how she’s cagey about certain things, but Grady’s careful and only asks the right kind of questions.
I learn more about what Evie’s been doing all this time than I have in the last few weeks since she’s been back.
And that gaping hole in my chest widens, making me feel lost.
Then, lunch is over, and we’re dropping Grady off back at the Shack.
I watch as he and Evie say their good-byes, and she promises to come back and see him soon.
He comes around to my side of the car. “I’m guessing you won’t be out surfing in the morning. So, I’ll see you next weekend.” He pats my arm, which is resting on the door. “See you soon, Evie Girl, and not in another ten years, okay?”
“Okay.” She smiles at him.
I watch him go into the Shack, and then I pull away from the curb. “So, what do you want to do now?” I ask her.
I didn’t really think this through, that I would be left with all this time with her after Grady had to get back to work. He couldn’t leave the store all day.
She turns her head, resting it against the headrest, and looks at me. “I was thinking…well, I brought a sketchpad with me. I was thinking I might go to the beach and try to draw, see if anything comes to me. I did most of my best pictures on that beach.”
“Yeah, you did.”
I decide to go surfing even though the tide is low while Evie sketches. It’s either that or sit and watch her drawing up on her old rock.
That’s a sight I can go without seeing at the moment.
It’s hard enough to see when I come out with my board, and she is already up there, sketchpad in hand with her face tilted up to the sky, her hair blowing in the breeze.
It’s another flashback to my youth, reminding me of the way I loved her back then, how much I loved her, probably from the moment I had seen her sitting up there.
After I’ve finished surfing, she’s still up there, sketching. I know she said she didn’t draw anymore, but she seems to have her mojo back—or whatever it is that artists have—and I don’t want to interrupt, so I leave her out there and go inside to take a shower.
When I’m showered and dressed, I head out of my room to see if she’s ready for dinner. I was thinking we could order something in.
I walk out of my bedroom, and something makes me look to the left. That’s when I see my old bedroom door ajar.
I always have that door locked. I don’t want to risk anyone going in there and realizing what a fucking freak I am.
I was in there last weekend, just looking at stuff. I must have forgotten to lock it.
Fuck!
My feet are moving toward the door, my heart pumping in my chest. I have to know if she’s in there or if it just opened somehow. It definitely wasn’t open earlier. I would have seen it.
But if she’s in there, then…she’ll have seen it. And she’ll know that I’m not over her, that I never got over her.
With a shaking hand, I grab the handle and push the door the rest of the way open.
She’s here, standing in the middle of the room, with her wedding dress in her hands, her eyes on it.
She looks up at me, startled.
There are tears in her eyes along with a look of confusion mixed with shock.
I feel like I’ve just caught her reading my diary.
Anger bubbles in my veins. My heart burns. My stomach roils. My hands shake. My head starts to pound. Embarrassment and humiliation stain my skin.
I literally don’t know what to do.
So, I do the only thing I can.
I turn and walk out of the room, slamming the door behind me.