Colton

Twist and loop. Twist and loop. My fingers delicately twine the jute fibers, deftly working them to lock together. I caress the light strands, nurture them, putting myself into each tightly woven loop.

I have many ropes. All sizes, colors, widths. And I take great care of my collection. But none of them feel right for tonight. For Sadie…for this long-awaited moment…I have to create the perfect tool.

My chest stirs with warmth as I imagine the light brown rope against her pearly skin, the complexion, the contrast. Dark and bright. I almost feel drunk; the excitement coursing through me with a steady flow of adrenaline. I’m like a kid about to play with his favorite toy. A toy that’s been kept from him for too long.

Creating another painstaking loop, I twist the fibers slowly, relishing the imprint the bands will leave behind on her soft skin. Intoxicating.

“Making something special for tonight?”

Julian’s deep timbre pulls me out of my trance, and I glance up to find him leaning against the corner of the bar top, hands sunk into his black suit pockets.

Since he opened his own club, I haven’t seen him in a pair of jeans. He’s all business now. I guess I shouldn’t judge; I’ve buried myself in my work, too.

Unhooking the lead thread from the bar where I have my station set up, I begin to wind the rope. “Just needed some new material.”

He glances around the empty club before his gaze settles back on me. “They do have these things called stores. I know you’re all about the ritual”—his voice lowers—“but it wouldn’t hurt to take a shortcut every once in a while.”

“And see, that’s what you don’t get, Julian.” I stuff the newly braided rope into my pack along with the rest of my supplies. Then rising from the stool, I look Julian in his clear blue eyes and say, “The ritual is everything.”

His gaze turns hard, serious. He straightens, and the banter leaves his voice. “I do get some things.”

“And what’s that?” Apprehension dampers my mood. For months, ever since I took Julian up on his offer to work at his club, I’ve felt like I’ve been treading water. Edging the thin line drawn between us—the one that keeps us hospitable toward each other. It’s a very thin line.

“I get that this is the longest you’ve stayed in one place. At least since—”

“Don’t.” That single, deadly spoken word halts him.

His strained exhale is the only sound amid us.

Gaze still on mine, he says, “I thought that after all these years, I’d finally get my brother back. That if I just stayed quiet, let you deal with everything on your own terms, you’d eventually recover. But—” He shakes his head, breaks eye contact to stare at the floor. “She ruined you.”

Anger brims fire-hot in my chest. “I told you never to mention her again.”

“Colt, listen.”

But I’m already turning away and heading out of the rope room. A hand on my shoulder stops my steps, and I pivot, face contorted, beckoning all control.

Julian removes his hand and takes a step back. “I don’t want to push you away again.”

“Then don’t,” I snap.

He crosses his arms; defensive. Good. As long as I keep him rebounding, he’ll back off. “Fine. I won’t. We don’t ever have to have that conversation. Just do your Shibari. Entertain. Get your kicks…whatever it is that you get out of performing. But be careful.” He presses his lips together, features stern. “I’ve seen what happens when you get too…involved, Colt. The obsession takes you to a dark place. I don’t want you to get lost there again.”

I can’t help it—coming from him? This bullshit?—I laugh.

Then I walk away.

“Just know that I loved her, too.”

His words stop my retreat. But when I don’t react; all stoic control over my emotions, he says, “Just wanted to voice that. To finally have my say.”

Jesus. I really don’t need this shit right now. I drive a hand through my hair, attempting to wipe his admission from my head. Finally, I turn and face my brother.

“Love? Is that what you call it?” I ask, my voice thick with disdain. “You have the worst possible way of showing it, then.” As he opens his mouth to say something more, I hold up a hand. I’ve heard enough. “All right, Julian. What I get out of it—is that what you’re trying to figure out? Why I’m not like you. Sitting in an office, locked away, just on the edge of the scene.” I step closer, stare him in the eyes. “Control. I make sure that my world never spins out of control again. Say it’s obsession. Say whatever you want, but at least I was man enough to stay until the end. I had to face what you were too much of a coward to deal with. I looked it in the eyes…all that darkness…and I stayed. And hell, I’m sure it left an imprint. The price I now pay for having something so beautiful, however fleeting. So, I’ll do whatever the hell I want now. I’ve earned it.”

He shakes his head. “I won’t deny you that. I was a coward.”

Arms crossed, back and shoulders tense, I wait for the rest of his speech. Wait to see if he’s going to take this all the way. Damn, and we really were doing so well. Where the hell did this even come from?

“Look,” he says, and my defenses climb. Here it comes. “You’ve found a way to put everything in place. Nice and neat. You’re a pro at compartmentalizing. But I’ve been paying attention,” he says, gaze narrowing. “I don’t want Marni to shadow the rest of your life.”

I huff a soundless laugh. Asshole.

“I’m serious. You deserve something good. This scene is fun…it’s a lifestyle, yes, but it’s not meant to replace real relationships. I’m doing it because—”

“Because it now pays the bills,” I clip.

He shrugs, his expression neutral. “Yeah. And because she loved it. It got me through the worst of it, afterward, but I don’t use it to lose myself. Not anymore. I’m getting out.”

Tension thrums in the air between us, and I push back against its walls. So this is what spurred this conversation. He always has an agenda. “And the club?”

His shoulders lift again. “I wanted to hand the reins over to my little brother. But not if that means watching him degrade into himself.” He searches my face. “I like the idea of you sticking around the city. Being here…with me. But we have to come to an understanding.”

My lips stretch into a smile that verges on a sneer. “An ultimatum, you mean.”

“Call it what you want. The only thing I ask is that you keep your ‘personal’ life out of the club.”

And understanding flits through me, transparent. I uncross my arms and straighten my back. “You were watching me last night.”

Shame flushes his face. “My name will remain on the lease, Colt. Everything will still tie back to me…” He trails off. “If you want to have your personal ‘sessions’—” He makes air quotes again, and my chest flames with heat.

“Stop doing that. Just say what you mean, Julian.”

He releases a heavy breath. “I can’t have accusations flung at the club if you go off the rails again. Okay?”

Sonofabitch. “You know what? Fuck you.”

“Hell, real mature, Colt.” He shakes his head, looks down at the tiled floor.

“You had no right to eavesdrop on me. What I do on my own time—personal or otherwise; in the club or outside of it—is none of your business.” I glare at him, trying to catch his eyes. “Hand the club over to someone else.”

He looks up then. “There’s no one else I trust.”

“Bullshit.” I take a step back, thoroughly over this conversation. “This is just your way to keep tabs on me. Keep things running the way you want, without having to actually do the dirty work.” I bark a laugh. “But I’m not your bitch boy—and you don’t run me.”

“That’s not it at all. Listen, I always get a little harassment from the cops,” he says, finally meeting my gaze again. “I’m used to it, but I can’t let it get out of hand. I have to have someone running the show who knows how to keep things…neutral.”

I wonder what he’d say if I told him that the woman I took to the back room last night was not only a cop, but a profiler. That whatever he’s so worried about keeping concealed, she’s probably already uncovered.

Only I know that’s not true. I might be a lot of things—things that don’t get me any slack from my brother—but a liar isn’t one of them. Sadie came here for herself, not her department. At least, that’s the truth I knew up until this moment. I never once questioned if she had an ulterior motive. Why would I, when she’s damn perfect for me.

Now Julian’s planted a seed of doubt, and I hate that. I can already feel it festering.

But—no. I refuse to let my brother infect my head. I’ve watched her long enough; I’ve tasted her. Her scent still clings to me. I’ve looked into those bottomless jewel-green eyes and I’ve seen the beauty among the abyss.

I find Julian’s gaze. “Why are you getting out?”

His fight to remain composed under my scrutiny is evident. “I’m marrying Bethany.”

Fucking hell.

“Congrats.” The word tastes bitter on my tongue. Then I tell him, “I’ll think about it,” before he can say anything further to disgust me.

Content with my answer for now, Julian nods a couple of times and says, “Thanks.” Then he leaves me alone with my spiraling thoughts.

Reaching into my pocket, I touch the rope I always keep there. My connection. My center. I need Sadie here, now. I can’t wait until tonight.