SIX
Matt helped Jessie back to her feet. Her chest and face glowed with perspiration. Beautiful. She breathed in hurried little puffs. Passion burned in his veins with his new need to taste her again. Touch her. Take her.
He hugged her to his side as they headed back to the house. Much to his surprise, they didn’t encounter a single person on their way. It was as if they were completely alone. Jessie’s hand trailed under his shirt. He moved away, grasping her hand in his.
The look on her face, filled with need and hunger, shook off the insecurity of taking her to his room. Desperation took control of him. Of his action. Of his mind.
A new force hauled him through his door. She stopped in the middle of the room and turned to face him with her gorgeous eyes speaking for her. They taunted him to hurry up.
She sucked her bottom lip between her teeth. “I am not going to ask you to show me your scars.” Oxygen froze in his lungs. “But if you choose to, understand there is nothing that will change how much I want you.”
Maybe. The darkness that tried to consume him into the world of self-doubt made its presence known. Or she could give him one of those looks that reached down to his gut and made him feel all kinds of inadequate. Like the nurses had done. Like his ex-girlfriend had. He was no longer that good looking guy that chatted up the ladies. Or the one who’d joined Ryan’s unit. No. She was looking at a show of his former self.
He took a step toward her. God she was so beautiful. Her eyes shone with understanding, and it almost made him rethink things. Almost.
“I know what pain is like, Matt,” she whispered.
“Not my pain.” Fear for her to see what he’d turned into made him lash out. “People say they understand, but they don’t. Nobody does. You return a ghost of a person. It’s easy to say things, but when you live hell day in and day out, it messes with your soul. To be so drastically changed that you’re not you anymore? How do you think that feels?”
She reeled back as if slapped, but continued to meet his gaze. “Probably as bad as it feels to trust someone and find out that they broke your trust, they killed any affection, and to top it off, they wanted to see you destroyed.”
“I’m not the man I used to be.” He forced out. His chest ached with a burning he’d never felt before. He knew that he was slowly killing their evening with his words, but he couldn’t seem to stop.
“I’m not the person I was three years ago.” She sat down on the trunk in front of his bed, hands folded in a tight grip. “I have a hard time seeing any good in men lately.”
She pressed her lips together before glancing up at him. “I didn’t want to come here. I knew there was a possibility I’d meet a nice guy. But I didn’t want to take that chance. You asked me earlier if I wanted to find love. My past experience tells me that if love hurts you to the point it almost destroys you then no, I don’t want that love.”
Sadness filled his chest. For her. For him. For the things they were both scared of in other people.
“Love isn’t like that. Haven’t you seen Kayla and Ryan? There are no lies or deceptions, just an honest need to make each other happy. Without asking for anything in return.”
She glanced down at her hands. “I’ve never experienced that before. So it’s a little hard for me to believe I ever will. Especially with my track record.”
It was then he fully realized Jessie had scars too. Probably bigger ones than him. Yet Jessie sat there, all sad and alone. It cracked something inside him. He liked her. She was beautiful, and the things she’d said so far made her one of the few people who came close to knowing how he felt without the experience.
He got on his knees in front of her and took her hands in his. It was stupid, but he wanted to tell her to trust him. That he wouldn’t do those things to her.
“Stay here.” He heard himself say.
She cocked her head, staring at him. “I don’t know. You and I. This is only going to lead to someone getting hurt.”
Yeah, and it looked to him like it would be him. His heart already beat harder when she smiled and his stomach twisted at her sad look. Maybe he hadn’t wanted a relationship before. But that was before Jessie. Before he saw that there was a nice woman who’d been hurt by lies that also needed tender care.
He didn’t get a chance to say anything else. She leaned forward and kissed his lips. Just a flutter of a kiss and pulled back.
“Matt, you’re beautiful.” Her lips tipped up in a small grin. “Not because of your eyes, or your hair, or that hard body I know lives under your clothes. No. You’re strong, a hero. You fought for our people and came back. You left it all behind to protect our country. All that, with the possibility that you might be giving up your life.”
He swallowed hard the knot in his throat. He’d never thought of what he’d done in that way. Just knew he wanted to help keep his friends and family safe.
“I’m no hero.”
Her small hand caressed his bristly cheek. “You are. You’re a hero scarred. But until you start to realize not everyone will pity you, you’re never going to move on.”
A sick sensation took over at the pit of his stomach. Should he show her his scars? Would that finally prove that she was different? Bile hit the back of his throat as he fought the sickness in his stomach.
“I’m sorry, Jessie.” He saw a flash of pain flicker through her eyes.
“It’s fine. I should go.” She stood and marched past him. At the door, she stopped and said, “Thank you for a really great evening.”
Curling his hands into fists, he watched her go. He couldn’t give her what she wanted. From the moment he’d returned changed—from the inside out, he knew that learning to open up would be hard. War alone was tough. The things he’d seen still gave him nightmares, but his scars weren’t a sideshow.
A few hours later, he was still sitting on his bed, thinking. Jessie. They were both so scarred. Could anything work between them? His mind ran her words in circles, over and over again. Dawn fast approached when someone knocked on his door.
Jessie.
He jumped off the bed and flung it open. Ryan. His friend’s deep set frown worried him.
“What’s wrong?”
“I think we should talk,” he said. “Want to go down by the beach?”
“Sure.” It wasn’t like he’d get any sleep. Not when all he’d been thinking about was Jessie. Jessie’s lips. Jessie sucking his cock. Jessie moaning as she rode him.
The sun had started to peek up as they reached the beach. He and Ryan sat down by the water, letting it wet their feet as the tide came in.
“What’s going on?”
“Look, I know what Kayla did wasn’t the best way to go about things, and for that I’m sorry. She really thought you and Jessie would hit it off being that you’ve had difficult times lately.”
He nodded. Kayla had been right. “It’s okay. Don’t even worry about it. We had a nice dinner.”
“That’s the thing.” Ryan turned to him. “Jessie waited up for us last night. She seemed down and asked Kayla to arrange for someone to take her home.”
“What?”
Pulsing pain beat at his chest. He’d done that. Pushed her away with his need to hide himself.
“She said she didn’t want to interrupt our other guests and would return another time.” Ryan’s gaze never wavered from his face. “I just wanted to let you know. She looked kind of sad.”
“She wanted to see my scars.” He gulped at the sick sensation curling around his vocal cords.
“So? Why didn’t you show them to her? She sees scars all the time.”
“What?” His surprise sounded in his question.
Ryan shook his head. His lips pressed into a tight line. “She works with Kayla. They’ve been working with deformed and severely scarred children. Plus, she volunteers in the burn unit. She’s probably seen worse scars than the ones you have.”
“I-I couldn’t show them to her.”
Ryan’s shoulders drooped. “Why?”
“You know how hard it is to see that sympathy and pity in people’s faces. It only serves to remind us of our flaws.”
“She’s not like that. Jessie’s husband was an asshole who took her for a ride and then tried to leave her with nothing. Took her two years to get rid of the bastard. This was her first time meeting someone new.”
Acid burned in Matt’s stomach. She’d seemed so sad with some of the things she’d said. “She said some things that made me question if she knew what it was like to be hurt like we are.”
Ryan picked up a seashell and started flipping it between his fingers. “She knows all right. Her ex cheated, took some of the money her parents left her, and when she fought back, he put his hands on her. So yeah, she knows.”
“I feel like such a dick.” He ran his fingers through his hair, gripping the short strands. Frustration and stupidity beat at his insides. He’d felt so insecure, so hurt, that he swore she couldn’t understand. Dumbass. Someone as sweet as her shouldn’t have been hurt at all.
Ryan sighed. “It happens to all of us man. I almost lost Kayla from my own insecure thoughts.” He pinned him with a serious look. “Don’t do the same. Jessie’s a wonderful person. I’m not telling you to go ask for her hand in marriage. The poor woman has had enough negativity with that to be a skeptic for life, but if you like her to the point you feel comfortable with her, talk to her. When you meet a person who understands some of the fear and pain you’ve been through, get to know her better. She may just be the one who’ll make you feel whole again.”
Air froze in his chest. That’s what he’d been feeling the hours he’d spoken to Jessie. A bit more like the man he’d used to be. He’d felt…whole. Urgency grew wings in his heart. He had to find her. Talk to her.
“I need to see her.”
Ryan smiled. “The chopper’s waiting for you.”