The helicopter shot upward at a hellish pace, and I gripped my seat harness and clenched my eyes shut.

“Awesome, right?” Jason’s voice crackled through my headset as the Hudson glistened far below us.

The helicopter leveled out as we hovered somewhere over New Jersey. Jason had called me earlier in the day and asked me to fly with him. “I’m supposed to be a helicopter pilot in Mission Impossible Sixteen. It’d be pretty cool if I had some real-life lessons. You want to come with?” I couldn’t pass up a chance to fly with Commander Reptilian, so I’d agreed.

Now I wished I’d taken a raincheck. My lunch tumbled around in my stomach and flirted with my esophagus.

“It’s great,” I managed to eke out.

“You’re a natural pilot, son.” The instructor’s voice almost instilled confidence in me, but my innate fear of death won out. I kept my death grip on my seatbelt and tried to calm my heart. It must have been thumping at a breakneck pace, but I couldn’t feel anything except the vibration of the engine and the roar of the wind.

“How you doing back there, Willis?” The instructor turned to look at me, his aviator sunglasses reflecting my terror right back at me.

“So good.” I smiled, though it settled into a grimace.

“You’ll get used to it.” He grinned and turned back around.

“What does this do?” Jason leaned forward, his finger aiming for a red button.

“No!” My shriek could not be contained. What sort of psycho sees a bright red button on an aircraft and presses it? It might as well have had a sign over it that said “Wanna die? Press Here!”

“Whoa, buddy.” The instructor guided Jason’s hand away. “Keep your eye on the sky. I’ve got the panel.”

It was totally a death switch. Had to be.

“How’d it go with Scarlet last night?” Jason put both hands on the wheel. Was it a “wheel” if it was a helicopter? Whatever.

The correct answer to his question was “it was the most fucking spectacular sex I’ve ever had,” but I was a gentleman, so I went with. “Good.”

“Good?”

“Yeah. We just, you know, hung out and stuff.”

Jason laughed into his mic. “So, you did it like you were on the Discovery Channel?”

Accurate. “I don’t kiss and tell.”

“That’s cool, man.” He swooped the helicopter lower, and my stomach lodged just below my tongue. “This Vanity Fair thing is supposed to be pretty stuffy. I can’t wait to see her work her magic on some poor bastard looking for love advice.”

“It needs to go smoothly. The book is out next week.”

“She’ll do great, and that book will be on the front page of the New York Times.”

“You mean the bestseller list?”

“Sure.” He shrugged. “I don’t read too much. Just my scripts.”

“Could we, um, level out?” I couldn’t feel my fingers anymore.

“Sure.” The helicopter settled in a more horizontal position as the ground morphed from buildings and scrub brush into coastline.

“Beautiful day for flying.” The instructor stretched his arms out, leaving the flying completely up to Jason.

“Have you heard about Elias’s Shitake Shocker?” Jason did the shocker hand signal.

The instructor guffawed.

“Yeah, he’s kind of bummed that Jizzlywinks isn’t interested in it.”

Jason tapped his temple. “I’ve got an idea for it.”

“What’s that?” I’d happily discuss sex toys if it took my mind off my imminent death via helicopter wreckage.

“I’ve always wanted to diversify. This face won’t be young forever. Commander Reptilian will eventually have to meet his fate—”

“No way.” I shook my head. “The franchise needs you.”

“Yeah, but they kill off Superman every so often, you know? So my gig is bound to go the same way.”

“They’d bring you back. The Vampires would run rampant throughout the universe without Commander Reptilian and the Vocknar Fleet to hold them at bay.”

Jason laughed. “The point is, I need to get some other ventures going. Elias’s ability to come up with these sex toys, and my ability to contribute some startup cash, could make for a great side project.”

An idea flitted through my mind. “You could make them in the Vocknar Fleet’s signature green with neon insignia.”

“Now you’re talking.” He nodded, and the helicopter bobbed with the movement.

My lunch began to make its protestations known again.

Jason glanced back at me. “Speaking of green, maybe we should head back.”

“No vomit allowed in the bird,” the instructor barked as we banked out over the ocean and headed back north.

“Anyway, I think I’m going to seed him the startup money. Have to talk it over with my accountant first and all, but I’m down to invest.”

“Wow, that’s… Wow.”

“We’d need ad space on your site, of course.”

“Not a problem.” I let out a relieved breath as the New York City skyscrapers appeared far away on the horizon.

The instructor leaned forward and swiped a toggle.

“Take the stick, Jason. I’ll even let you land us.”

“Sweet.”

Jason grabbed the stick with a little too much verve, and we swooped downward, the earth approaching faster than the paparazzi on a Kardashian.