Kylie stared at the toilet, praying that her stomach would stop churning. This was the second day in a row and she wasn’t sure…no, she knew what was happening. She just didn’t want to believe it. She’d told herself it was only because Tarek was in danger and she was worried about him, but she knew, deep down inside, she knew that the nausea wasn’t just because of her worry over Tarek.
He’d been gone for almost a week now and she had barely slept, could barely eat anything and her eyes were so raw and swollen from crying she could barely see most of the time.
And now she was throwing up. This wasn’t good, she thought weakly.
Closing her eyes, she rested her head against her upraised knees, wondering how she could have gotten into such a mess. She didn’t want to marry Tarek, but there was no denying that she was absolutely, unequivocally and passionately in love with the man. She had dined with him every night before he’d left for the border problems, and she’d made love with him almost every night before then, cradled in his arms and she felt like she was on top of the world when he was kissing her.
There hadn’t been many of those nights since he had to be at the border, reinforcing his troops and assuring the people that he was still in control of the problem. But on those nights when he was back in the palace, even for a few hours, he came to her. She wanted to pretend that she didn’t care or that she didn’t want to see him, that her heart wasn’t breaking when he was gone and singing with joy when he was close, but it was just too exciting whenever he walked into a room.
Unfortunately, he was always gone when she woke up in the morning. She hadn’t even received a goodbye kiss.
He was doing his job. He was fulfilling his duty, both with her as well as for the border vulnerability.
Kylie understood that he was a ruler right down to his marrow and that he was where he was needed. She didn’t have to like it.
Now she was pregnant. She’d denied it to the palace doctor right after the incident in the river and then again several days ago, but with this incessant morning sickness, she couldn’t ignore the reality any longer.
Under other circumstances, she should be thrilled with the idea of having Tarek’s baby. She even remembered all of the names she’d come up with when she’d dreamed about being married to him as a kid. She’d planned on having lots of children and all of them would be created through their love and would be raised in the palace with lots of joy and happiness. Of course, at that time in her life, she’d had no idea how babies were made or even what love meant other than the way she’d felt about her parents.
Tarek didn’t love her. He might respect her, which was more than she’d thought possible at the beginning of all of this. But he didn’t love her with all of his heart like she felt towards him.
Oh, this was all her fault! She’d been such a silly child, full of crazy dreams and she hadn’t been shy about announcing them to the world. Now she was pregnant with Tarek’s baby, she wasn’t married but was soon to be married, although she didn’t want to be married.
If only he loved her. If only he felt even a fraction of the feelings she felt for him, she would be able to go through with this.
Kylie angrily wiped the tears from her cheeks, furious with herself for maintaining dreams of Tarek falling in love with her. She was just convenient! She’d been such a nuisance, she’d become the palace joke as a kid so now he thought she’d just take anything from him. Nor was she asserting herself now. She was an adult but she was still making a fool of herself over him. Every time he touched her, she acted like a lovesick fool!
As of late last night, all of the insurgents who had been causing problems on the eastern border were captured, with only a few of them escaping into the rugged mountains. Tarek was back in the palace and she was still sitting here on the bathroom floor, afraid to move for fear of the nausea coming back to her.
The wedding plans were going to be pushed up now that the worries about the border were over. The population was thrilled and excited to have something to celebrate and the video of Kylie saving the little boy had gone viral, as had Tarek’s heroism during several of the border battles. She couldn’t watch those. Every time she saw him throw himself into a dangerous situation, she almost passed out.
She sighed and lifted her hand, intending to stand up and try to make it back to the bedroom. She didn’t want to be found here on the floor. It was undignified and she’d already done enough of that to last her a lifetime.
Kylie absolutely hated that her wedding was going to be just a celebration for the people of Tularia and not a celebration between herself and Tarek. Once again, she wasn’t chosen, she was just convenient.
She had to stop this. She had to get out of here. There was no way she could live in the palace, continue to sleep in his arms at night and deal with the knowledge that he didn’t love her. That he would never love her.
Oh there were times he would look at her and she’d believe he had some small amount of feeling for her. But that look would disappear quickly and she’d be left feeling cold and abandoned.
No, this would never do. She had to get out of here. Out of the palace. She couldn’t stay here and know that he didn’t love her.
And she damn well wouldn’t be his convenient bride.
Taking a deep breath, she slowly stood up, willing the morning sickness to go away. She could do this, she told herself. She’d just be firm and tell him that she couldn’t go through with the wedding. She wanted her own career and a life on her own. She’d leave emotions out of it because she’d just get weepy and that would reinforce his perception of her as silly and naïve.
Kylie splashed cold water on her face, then looked at her reflection in the mirror. She really looked horrible, she thought. There were dark circles under her eyes and her complexion looked pale, unhealthy. She pinched her cheeks and applied a bit of lipstick. Unfortunately, the pinching didn’t really do anything and the lipstick only made her cheeks look paler by contrast.
“Nothing to do but face him,” she told her reflection. “Let’s get it over with, shall we?”
She stepped out of her bedroom and smiled weakly at Raulf and Kaseem. “Dining room?” she asked, but she already knew the answer. Tarek read several international newspapers every morning while he ate breakfast and sipped his coffee.
Her steps were slower this morning because a large part of her didn’t really want to leave him. Perhaps if she just…loved him enough for both of them? Maybe that would make it….
No. She had to be firm about this. She might be lonely, but at least she’d have her pride. Her hand fluttered to her stomach where her unborn child rested. Would she tell him about the baby?
Maybe someday. But was that fair? This was a whole new issue she hadn’t considered. She looked up, realizing that she’d just stopped in the middle of the hallway. Glancing behind her, she saw that the two bodyguards had stopped as well. Raulf also had his microphone up to his mouth, whispering something.
“What’s wrong?” she demanded, instantly worried.
“That’s what I’d like to know,” Tarek demanded.
Kylie swung around, feeling the nausea swell up at the too-fast movement. She slapped her hand over her mouth, resting her other hand against his arm so she wouldn’t fall over.
Tarek’s hands instantly came out, holding her steady and watching her, wondering what was wrong. Her normally beautiful complexion looked almost green and her eyes no longer had that sparkle.
“Are you sick?” he demanded. “You’re visiting my doctor,” he said, about to pick her up.
“NO!” she almost yelled, gripping his shoulder to stop him from lifting her into his arms. “I’m fine,” she told him, forcing a smile to reassure him. “Really,” she said when he still didn’t look like he believed her. “I’m just so hungry,” she explained.
“Come,” Tarek commanded and wrapped his arm around her waist as he led her to the dining room.
He held her chair out for her and she carefully sat down on the velvet-covered chair. “What do you want for breakfast?” he asked.
Kylie closed her eyes. The thought of food made her want to run for the bathroom but she took deep breaths, trying to keep her stomach from heaving. She would be fine, she told herself mentally. Just breathe slowly. In and out.
“Kylie, what’s going on?” Tarek demanded again, looking across the table at her carefully.
Kylie opened her eyes, then took another breath. “How about some oatmeal?” she asked, thinking of the most bland thing she could think of. It might help, she tried to convince herself. The oats could coat her stomach and maybe sooth the issues.
He looked at her as if she’d lost her mind. “You want oatmeal for breakfast?”
She started to nod her head, but that didn’t help her stomach so she just smiled. “It’s good,” she told him. It was disgusting, but it was still good for the body. “Helps cholesterol and regulates blood sugar. Or something like that. And it’s filling.”
Tarek shrugged, suspicions starting to form in his mind. “Oatmeal it is,” he told her and sat down on the other side of the table. When the waiter arrived with to fill his coffee, he told him to bring Kylie oatmeal. “I’ll have eggs benedict,” he said, watching Kylie’s complexion turn an even more hideous shade of green. She was trying valiantly to keep from showing him how sick she was feeling, but she wasn’t doing a very good job. His suspicions increased and he had to hide his excitement at the thoughts moving through his mind. Was it possible?
Of course it was possible, he told himself silently. But why wasn’t she telling him if she felt so bad?
He watched her carefully, wondering if she might not know. Could she be that unaware of the possibility that she was pregnant? The probability even? They’d been having unprotected sex since the first day she’d arrived back at the palace. That was…
“Why aren’t you drinking your coffee?” he asked, pushing the cream and sugar closer, wanting to hear it from her lips.
Kylie looked down at the coffee, wanting so desperately to drink it but caffeine wasn’t good for the baby, was it? Her hand fluttered to her stomach again but she whipped it away when Tarek’s eyes dropped, noticing the action. “I’m just not in the mood today. I think I’ll just stick with water and juice.”
Tarek poured her a glass of freshly squeezed juice, pushing the glass closer to her. He would have laughed at her look of horror, but he really was concerned.
He leaned forward, looking at her urgently. “Kylie, you’re sick. Talk to me, love.”
She rubbed her forehead gently. “I must have picked up a bug,” she told him. “I guess I’m not feeling very well.”
“A bug?” he asked, still not believing her. “When was your last period?”
Well, that distracted her! Kylie was pretty sure that her face wasn’t pale any longer. Talking about such an intimate subject caused her face to heat up. “That’s a bit…personal, isn’t it?” She couldn’t look him in the eye as she replied.
He laughed softly. “Kylie, after all the things we’ve done with and to each other over the past few weeks, are you really going to tell me that your menstrual cycles are the most intimate?”
She raised her cold fingers to her heated cheeks, looking down at her lap. “It just isn’t a subject I’m used to talking about. With anyone.”
“Answer the question, Kylie. When was your last period?”
She sighed. He knew, she thought. Possibly, it wasn’t the most difficult thing to figure out, but she’d still hoped to hide the fact until she’d gotten far enough away from him.
“I think I’m pregnant,” she admitted, unable to stop the tear from falling down her cheek again.
Tarek watched as her eyes filled with tears and the droplets fell to her pale cheeks. His heart ached because he was actually thrilled that she was going to have his child. This should be an exciting moment but she looked as if she wanted to sob. He took her hand. “You didn’t want me to know, did you?”
She loved and hated his touch. It felt so warm and wonderful, so comforting but at the same time, her heart still raced whenever he touched her. “No. I didn’t want you to know.”
“Why?”
She bit her lip for a moment, then looked up at him. “Because a pregnancy sealed my fate.”
He turned her hand over, looking at her palm, his eyes inspecting the healing wounds from that horrible afternoon in the river. His stomach still clenched with fear and anger at the possibility of losing her. “Your fate was sealed several weeks ago, Kylie. Why are you still fighting against marrying me?” He looked down at her.
She was going to do it again. She was going to bare her soul to the one man who didn’t care. The man who would laugh or roll his eyes because she was so ridiculous. “Because I’m in love with you. I’m in love with you and I don’t know how to deal with it.”
He was silent for a long moment while his heart exploded inside of him with the news she’d finally admitted. Unfortunately, that news was tempered by the sadness still in her beautiful eyes. And then it hit him, her plans, keeping the pregnancy a secret….
“You were going to run away, weren’t you?”
She looked down at her hands resting in her lap. “Yes. I can’t stay here, Tarek. I can’t stay here when I feel this way. I don’t want to be someone’s convenient wife. I don’t want to be your wife simply because there were no better, faster or easier candidates close by, the right age and the right political, socioeconomic beliefs.” She looked up into his eyes, begging him to understand. “Twelve years ago, I told you I loved you and I was going to marry you. You rolled your eyes and walked away. I was humiliated,” she told him. “But I was twelve so your reaction was reasonable and I should have expected that from you. I’m twenty-four now and this feeling isn’t anything like what I felt for you back then. I know you now. I respect you and laugh with you. I admire what you’re trying to do with the country and I want you to succeed. I just don’t want to be around to watch that happen because I love you too much and it hurts to know that I’m just the name that popped up in the cabinet meeting conversation when you gave in to their requests to marry and produce an heir.”
His hand tightened slightly around her hand. “I never should have admitted that to you. It’s been between us all the time.”
She laughed, but the sound was harsh. “You were honest. I appreciate that, at least.”
“It was the truth back then. That’s not why I want to marry you now.”
She bowed her head. “I know. The baby.”
He squeezed her hand again. “No. I’m thrilled that you’re carrying our child. It’s a symbol of everything we feel for each other.” He sighed and moved closer. “Kylie, every night, I show you how much I feel for you. I’m not good with words, love, but I definitely don’t consider you a convenient female at the right age.”
She thought about all those nights in his arms, all the times he told her he shouldn’t be there with her. “You didn’t even want to be in my bed.”
He laughed and squeezed her hand slightly. “I knew what I was doing was wrong. I should have had the self-discipline to stay away from you until after the wedding. But trust me, I failed. Obviously, I failed miserably.”
She nodded. “I know there is a chemistry between us.”
“There’s a hell of a lot more than chemistry, Kylie.”
She smiled, feeling better now that he was trying to reassure her. “Thank you.”
He sat back. “Thank you?” He rubbed his face, shaking his head. “I’m obviously still not getting through to you.” He took her hands again. “Kylie, I love you! Don’t you get it? I love you and the reason I can’t keep my hands off of you, why I’m flying back and forth from the border as often as I can, the reason I sneak into your room every night and won’t let you avoid me for dinner or breakfast, the reason I argue with you about every subject I can think of is because I love you! I think you’re fascinating! And I can damn well guarantee that you’re not convenient. Hell, you’re about as inconvenient as a woman can get! I didn’t want to love my wife. But then you swooped into the palace, looking gorgeous and sophisticated in that suit that hugged every part of your body and I was lost. From that moment on, there was no way I was going to let you go.”
“Your cabinet practically pushed you into a marriage because of the treaty and to maintain the peace.”
He laughed and shook his head. “Kylie, you’ve known me for a short period of time, but with all of your knowledge of me, do you really think that I’d allow my cabinet to push me into anything I didn’t want to do?”
When he put it that way, he had a point. “Well,” she started to say.
“No. And one thing you might want to know as well. I only told the members in that meeting that you might do for my wife. I wasn’t making any commitments, sight unseen, for a relationship that would impact so much of my life. It was when I saw you in the hallway that morning that I made the decision. And after our…interlude,” he smiled at the memory, “in the dining room that afternoon, I made the announcement. It was a horrible thing to do, but from that moment on, I knew that I wanted you as my wife and I took measures to ensure that it would happen.”
A small kernel of happiness was starting to form in her stomach, overriding the nausea. “You wanted me? Not just any woman, but me specifically?”
He grimaced. “Well, to be perfectly honest, I didn’t want to fall in love with you. There was no denying that I wanted you in my bed, but I didn’t want to have any feelings for you. I wanted to keep our relationship distant and compartmentalized. You weren’t supposed to get under my skin so thoroughly.” He lifted her carefully into his arms, settling her on his lap. “You were supposed to be a convenient, pretty, sexy side benefit that I could visit when I felt the urge and when I needed to produce another child.”
That kernel fizzled out. “You’re such a romantic.”
“And you’re an annoying woman who didn’t follow the rules. You got under my skin. So much so that I didn’t want to have dinner without your bright smile across the table from me. It got so I couldn’t sleep unless I was holding you in my arms. I almost resented having to sneak into your room at night. But you’re my siren and I couldn’t stay away.”
“You keep me up all night,” she whispered, happiness coming back to life, almost blinding her as he continued to talk.
He laughed and pulled her closer. “And I’ll continue to keep you up. I can’t seem to get enough of you,” he said, bending lower to nibble along her neck.
A waiter stepped into the dining room, bringing their breakfast. Kylie had felt warm and comfy one moment, then was racing to the bathroom the next, throwing up the glass of water she’d drunk after her last bout of nausea.
A cool washcloth pressed against her forehead and she sighed with relief. “Thank you.” She leaned against the wall but a moment later, she was lifted into Tarek’s arms again, carried back to the dining room. All the food had been removed and Kylie was grateful for his thoughtfulness as she snuggled into his arms, burying her face in the warmth of his neck.
“So you’re pregnant,” he said when she remained silent.
Instead of answering, she shrugged, keeping her face pressed against his skin.
She heard and felt his laughter and pressed closer to him, not wanting to face reality quite yet.
“Did you not know or are you just not telling me because you think I’m too arrogant and irritating?”
She didn’t answer for a moment before she replied, “Both.”
He laughed again and squeezed her slightly. “Fair enough. How about if we find out what’s going on?”
She was still again, not sure if she wanted to know the truth. She suspected she was pregnant, all of the clues led her to believe she was pregnant, but a test would validate her fears and she wasn’t ready for that. “No. Let’s just pretend that I have a virus for a while longer.”
He was silent for a long moment but Kylie knew he wouldn’t let her get away with that. She might want to bury her head in the sand but Tarek would face issues head on, not backing down from anything difficult. “Will you do it for me?” he asked, trying to figure out the best way to help her through this.
Kylie thought about it for a moment, then she leaned back. “Do you really love me? Or are you just saying that because you think I’m carrying the next heir to the throne?”
His hands were holding her waist, his thumbs restless, unable to keep still while she was in his arms. “I love you.” His hand covered her stomach gently. “I hope that there is a baby in here, but only because it would have been created out of my desire for you. Not to produce an heir. Not because you were convenient. I guarantee that the way I feel for you is extremely inconvenient. I didn’t want to love you. I wanted to be able to marry someone and go on my way, living life exactly as I had before. But you stood there reading your e-mail messages, looking so sexy in those heels and that tight skirt that hugged your butt just right and I was lost.”
She rolled her eyes. “It comes down to sex?”
He laughed but his hands also moved to her bottom, smacking it lightly. “No. It isn’t just about sex. It’s about the way you argue with me and drive me insane with your beautiful smile. I love the way every emotion is right there in your eyes for me to see.”
“They are not!” she gasped, pulling back even further but he wouldn’t let her go very far.
“Maybe not everyone can see it, but I’m starting to understand you, love. I can see it when you want me to touch you and even that drives me insane.”
“You can’t!” she retorted, thinking about the dinner last night.
“Yes. I can,” he laughed again. “You were talking to the ambassador last night, holding that glass of wine in your hands, bored out of your mind and you looked over at me.” His hands tightened when she gasped again, proving that he’d understood her silent message. “You were thinking about me, weren’t you?”
“Yes,” she admitted, unable to deny it.
“And last night, when you fell asleep in my arms, you didn’t want me to leave, did you? Your hands were holding onto my arm, telling me without words that you want to be with me. So yes, we’re going to find out if you’re pregnant or just sick. And if you’re sick, you’re going to get better because I don’t want to risk losing you. If you are pregnant, then I’m going to take you back to my room and make love to you until you can’t see straight.” He waited for her laughter to die down. “Then we’re going to get married, sooner rather than later because I want you as my wife. I don’t want anyone to doubt that this child we created together is precious and loved and a part of this family.”
She sighed, happiness nearly overwhelming her. “What will the rest of the world think about us moving the wedding up a month?” she asked.
He shrugged one of his massive shoulders and grinned. “I guess we can’t really tell the press that I couldn’t keep my hands off of you.”
She laughed right along with him. “No. That wouldn’t be a very good role model.”
“Then I’ll just have to come up with a crisis or trip abroad that will force the date forward.”
“Everyone is going to guess when the baby comes earlier than expected.”
“Then let them worry about what’s going on inside the palace. There are worse things for the people of this country to assume than their leader is in love with their queen,” he told her and bent his head to kiss her gently.
She smiled up at him, that warm, fuzzy feeling almost overwhelming her. “My stomach feels much better at the moment,” she told him, moving closer to him. “Any chance you could play hooky for the morning? Maybe come back to bed and show me how much you love me?”
He threw back his head and laughed. “Ah, another side of you that I love,” he told her as he nuzzled her ear. “The hot and bothered side of you.” With that, he stood up with her in his arms, carrying her down the hallway and right into his bedroom. This time she didn’t care where she was as long as he was with her.