I haven’t heard from Garrett since the night he called from the party. I assume that means he fell off the wagon. I’m trying so hard to be strong about it, remind myself that it doesn’t mean his feelings for me have changed, only that he’s an addict like any other, and he’s backslid. The question is, do I want to be involved with that?

The Garrett I’ve known post-rehab has been so steady—loyal, responsible, dependable—I’ve been able to believe he had this thing kicked. Like he’d been a nail biter or something. In other words, I’ve been living on that famous river in Egypt—Denial.

But the fact is, he has a serious addiction, and it involves fucking other women. I’m not sure I can handle that. Because since he disconnected the phone call seventy-two hours ago, I’ve been beside myself—unable to do much of anything but worry. And cry, I’ve done some of that too.

I’m at the bar, trying to distract myself with work when my mother calls.

We’ve spoken a few times since our argument, but it’s stiff and awkward. My mother’s not any better than Tully when it comes to being compliant. I’ve always been the peacemaker of the three of us, and now I’ve apparently abdicated that role, so things look pretty hopeless on the reconciliation front.

“Hey, Ma,” I say as I put the phone on speaker and squint at the bar’s bank balance on the computer screen.

“Savannah.” Her voice is tentative, but I know better than to be taken in by that. She’ll be hollering like a banshee in minutes if I say the wrong thing.

“Your father is starting to wonder where you are, and I haven’t seen Ty in far too long.”

“We miss you too, Ma.” And that’s sort of true. At least, Ty’s been asking about them. I’m still on the fence.

“The family barbecue is tomorrow night. You’ve missed the last two weeks.”

“Are you asking me to come, Ma?”

She huffs impatiently. “Well, of course I am. I didn’t call simply to update you on your attendance record.”

I smirk as I scroll through the expenditures and deposits, amazed that things are so flush when I haven’t been here constantly to monitor the business. Obviously what Garrett and Blaze put into place is working well.

“I can come to dinner, but only if you’re not going to criticize my life choices while I’m there.”

She huffs again. “Fine, fine. I’ll be too busy to bother you anyway.”

I roll my eyes to the ceiling of the room. My mother is a piece of work. “Sounds great, Ma. I’ll see you for dinner tomorrow then.”

Danny knocks on the partially open door just as we disconnect.

“Hi, how’s everything up front?” I ask.

“Good. Really good.”

“That’s nice to hear. According to the bank account, everything’s good everywhere. I guess I should have let Garrett invest a lot sooner.” What I don’t say is, if Garrett had been around years ago maybe the business would have been more successful. It’s not just his money that’s helped, but his big picture management. Kevin was a hard worker, but I’m starting to think he wasn’t the most effective business man, which makes me sad.

“Yeah, the cash infusion was a big help. Getting all the ‘to do’ items cleaned off the deck leaves everyone with more time to do our jobs better. The new waitstaff is making it easier on all of us too.”

“That’s great. I felt guilty about doing it, but I have to admit my life’s a lot easier too. I’ve been able to have dinner with Ty every night for the last month. We get to do fun stuff on the weekends. I’m starting to feel like a normal mom for once.”

He smiles at me as he takes a seat on the other side of the desk, but it’s sad.

“I miss him though,” he says, and I know he means Kevin, not Garrett.

“I know,” I answer quietly, looking down at the desktop that Kevin marked with our names—his, mine, and later Ty’s. He carved them into the top with a letter opener. The desk was old, came from the local Salvation Army, so he said it couldn’t hurt it, but he wanted to be able to see us whenever he sat there. I suggested he put a photo up. He just laughed and said it wasn’t the same as our names.

I run my fingers over the worn edges of the carvings, they’re shallow, just slightly more than scratches. They’d be so easy to sand out, you could refinish the whole top, make it smooth and pristine again. But it would be thinner, a layer stripped from it, the new wood exposed and raw. You can take away the evidence of what Kevin did, but you can’t ever make this desk the same again. And so it is with Ty, and me, and everyone else whose lives he touched. We can put away the photos, decide not to talk about him, stop doing the things he loved, or being the people he knew, but it won’t matter, because to eradicate Kevin you'd have to strip off a layer of all of us. A layer of our lives, a layer of our souls. Kevin may be gone, his effect will never leave.

“He’d be happy,” Danny says. “About the bar, about you and Garrett…”

I chuckle. “Really? I’m not so sure about that.”

“Savvy.” Danny’s voice is rough. “We talked—Kevin and I. We worked long hours here just the two of us, and we talked about all sorts of things. All he would have wanted is for you to be happy.”

“Maybe you’re right.” I smile, but it doesn’t feel happy. “I hope you are. I keep trying to do the right thing by him. I’m not sure I have any idea what that is though.”

Danny stands, looking down at me fondly. “It’s whatever is right for you. He loved you. He trusted you.”

My eyes burn and for a moment I can’t reply. Then I give him a watery smile. “Thank you for that. It means a lot to me.”

He takes a deep breath. “So, I really came in to tell you that I think the new distributor is working out fine, and if you’re good with the product, I’d like to keep using them past the trial month.”

“As long as they have what we need on time and on budget, I’m good with it.”

He nods. “They do, and some great specials they offer clients on a monthly basis. Garrett set up a slush fund, and I’d like to start trying some of those out so we can mix things up a bit, give regulars a surprise with new mixes and drink choices.”

I agree, and he goes back out to tend the bar in between the afternoon and evening shifts.

After he leaves, I close my eyes and lean back in the big, worn chair. I think about everything he said, and about what Kevin would have wanted for Ty and me. Of course he wanted us to be happy, but I’ve always assumed that meant he’d want us to keep living the life he designed for us, the life that was slowly killing me before it actually did kill him. Maybe I don’t give him enough credit though. Maybe he really would want me to do whatever is best for Ty and me.

I look around the office that was like a part of him, and I see him here, in the marred surface of the desk, the worn leather under my arms, the crazy, broken tile in the corner behind the door where he dropped a whole bottle of Kilbeggan one night, making the room reek of whiskey for days afterwards.

Garrett moved through this space as well, but he did it with such care, such deep respect for Kevin, and for me, he didn’t disturb a thing. Just like he invested in the bar, fixed the broken things, improved the failing things, yet never changed the essence of it. Garrett never did anything that erased Kevin from this physical manifestation of his lifelong dream.

And that’s when I know what I want. That’s when it crystallizes in my heart, and in my mind. I want this bar to continue, I want it to be everything Kevin made it, everything he loved, but that doesn’t mean I have to be part of it. This bar should be preserved because it’s the second most important thing my husband did in his life. And it needs to be ready for when the first most important thing he did—Ty—comes of age. Ty can have this place if he wants it someday. It’s the single strongest link he’ll have to his father, and until then, we’ll keep it safe, keep it just as it is.

This bar can be a memorial to Kevin. My life doesn’t have to be. And that is the single most freeing thought I’ve had since the day Garrett Jakes kissed me in a storeroom.

* * *

When I walk into my mother’s house for the first time in nearly two weeks, what do I see, but Kevin’s parents and his sister, Rita. Kevin’s family are invited to my parents’ weekly dinners often, but not always. I know immediately their inclusion tonight isn’t by accident. My mother wants to remind me of my dead husband, of my obligations to family, of who I’ve been since I was a teenager.

It makes me furious.

But I smile and say hello to my cousins and aunts and brothers. I’m grateful that Tully is here and Blaze is on tour because it means she can’t escape all the attention about her wedding plans, and that distracts everyone from the poor young widow—at least a bit.

“Ty guy!” My father-in-law shouts, picking Ty up and swinging him around in a big bear hug. Ty spends alternating Fridays with Kevin’s parents, so he just saw them last week, but since Kevin died, they cling to him with a fervor they don’t have for their other grandchildren.

“Hi, Savvy,” Rita says, giving me a stiff hug as her parents shepherd Ty off to the food table. “How are you?”

I smile and give the expected answer. “I’m good, thanks. How’s everything with you? Have you been traveling a lot with work?”

Rita is a sales rep for a food products company. Her territory covers all Western Oregon. Our bar is, of course, one of her accounts.

“Not too much this month. I’ve been spending some time doing the annual review of existing accounts.”

I watch as Kevin’s dad, Sam, carries Ty on his hip and takes him to the table full of family photos my mom keeps in the living room. Sam lifts one to show to Ty. I don’t even need to be close enough to see the actual photo to know what it is—a picture of Kevin and I on our wedding day. My stomach churns. Of course I want Ty to know who his father was, but Kevin’s family has a need to put him in front of Ty every single time they’re together. It’s morbid. Discussions about Kevin should happen naturally, in everyday conversation or when Ty asks questions. He doesn’t need to have his dead father shoved at him everywhere he goes.

I realize then Rita is saying something and I’ve stopped listening.

“I’m sorry,” I tell her. “What was that?”

She gives me a tight smile. “I said, I was pretty surprised to find out you’d closed your account with me.”

Oh. Shit. My mind spins back frantically, trying to reconstruct what might have happened. Distributors. Danny told me we were having problems with one of our distributors. We chose a replacement, Danny’s been happy with them. I didn’t even think all this was about Rita’s company. Garrett couldn't be expected to know, but Danny did. How could he have let this happen?

“Oh my God, Rita,” I gasp. “I had no idea—I mean, I did, I knew we were switching distributors, but it didn’t click it was you—” I squeeze my eyes shut for a moment. “I am so sorry.”

Rita nods, her expression wary.

“I know you’ve been under a lot of pressure,” she says. “And I know your new partner—” she practically spits out the word, “—has been making a lot of the decisions. I have to admit it hurt though, to think you would allow Kevin’s family to be cut out of his life’s work without a second thought.”

“That’s not what happened,” I tell her with conviction. “Garrett had no way of knowing it was your company he was dealing with. He was just acting in the best financial interests of the business. I simply dropped the ball. It’s entirely my fault.”

She takes a long, shuddering breath, as if she’s struggling to restrain something big and ugly.

“Look, Savvy, it’s really noble of you to protect him, but do you honestly believe he accidentally stopped service with the one company that involved Kevin’s family? I mean, he’s been after you and the bar since long before Kevin died. Of course he’d separate it from my company. He doesn’t want any part of Kevin left lying around.”

I’m struck speechless, mentally stumbling to catch up to what she’s just dumped.

“What are you talking about?” I say hesitantly, hoping like hell she’s not going to say what I think she is.

She shakes her head and looks at me sadly. “I know,” she says in a voice so low I have to tilt my head toward her to hear.

“What?” My heart races, and the sound of rushing blood through my ears is so loud I almost don’t hear her next words.

“I know you cheated on him. I saw you flirting with Garrett. Did you really think everyone was distracted? So oblivious to what was happening under Kevin’s own roof?”

My stomach lurches and I swallow the bile that’s rising up the back of my throat.

“You were his entire world, Savvy. You and Ty. So he was blind to things. All kinds of things. Including the fact that Garrett Jakes, the filthy rich rock star, was stealing you from under his nose. But I wasn’t. I saw.”

“That’s not what happened—” My voice is like sandpaper, and I have to swallow before I can continue.

She huffs loudly. “I could tell something was going on between you and Garrett. I saw the looks, heard the jokes and the flirty remarks. I saw Garrett touch you—a hand on your waist or your arm or your hair—touches that implied intimacy. The kinds of touches you shouldn’t have tolerated from a man other than your husband.”

Tears well up behind my eyes and I gasp out loud.

“Rita. You have to know I didn’t cheat on him—”

“There are a lot of different ways to cheat,” she says solemnly.

I nod then, because it’s true. She’s right. And given that, maybe all of us are cheaters at some point or another in long relationships. Do we cheat in our thoughts? Or in our hearts? Do we cheat in the kinds of conversations we allow ourselves to have with others? Or maybe in the things we don’t allow ourselves to have with our partners? Our culture likes to paint cheating with such bold, black and white strokes. Where cheating begins…where it ends. But really, cheating is a spectrum like most things, and Garrett and I were on it. We both know it’s true. And so does Rita.

“You’re right,” I say, stiffening my shoulders and looking her in the eye. “I strayed. Not physically—not really—but in other ways I did. And Kevin didn’t deserve that from me—or anyone. He was a good man, and a good husband.” My voice breaks. “But in the end, he might not have been the right one for me.”

“What are you saying?”

I glance over my shoulder, satisfied that none of the other nosy relatives in the room are paying us any attention.

“I’m saying I was unhappy. I loved your brother, but we’d been together since we were very young. He always knew exactly what he wanted in life. I wasn’t so directed, and the last couple of years I started to feel like owning the bar, living in this same neighborhood, never doing anything but working and taking care of Ty—maybe those weren’t the things I wanted in life after all.”

Her laugh is bitter and dark. “Look, Savvy, I realize it must be strange having a sister like Tully—most of us won’t ever know someone famous, much less be related to them—but she’s an exception, not a rule. The rest of us—you included—don’t get to travel the world and party like actual rock stars. That working and taking care of kids and living in the same place forever? That’s what life is. That’s all it is. You don’t get to choose whether you love it or not, you just do it. Live it. Try to find some joy in it where you can.”

I’m silent for a moment, because the old Savvy, the one who was riddled with guilt and expectations, who always did what everyone else wanted, is the first to react, ready to beg forgiveness, to say I shouldn’t have wanted something more, shouldn’t be involved with Garrett, and I’ll put it all back the way it was when Kevin was here.

But the new Savvy, the one who’s still growing and emerging, figuring out what life looks like after your husband dies, stands up before it’s too late. And she isn’t going to be so accepting. She has bigger dreams, and higher hopes, and luckily, she speaks.

“I’m sorry you feel that way,” I tell Rita. “And I’m not trying to imply there is anything wrong with the life Kevin and I had, only that it may not have been the right one for me. I choose to believe there is more—more choice, more places to see, more things to do—just more. I don’t mind hard work, but it needs to be hard work at something I love as much as Kevin loved his bar. It was his dream…this was his dream.” I wave my arm around the room. “And while I love all of you, and I’ll always call this home, I’m not sure I want to be confined to only this for the rest of my life.” I take a deep breath, steeling myself to go on. “Garrett has done nothing but respect Kevin’s place and everything Kevin built. You’re wrong about him. He may have been attracted to me while Kevin was still alive, but he feels terrible about it. He respected Kevin, and he’s been nothing but respectful of Kevin’s memory this last year.”

Rita’s jaw tightens, and I see the pain in her eyes, but I push on, propelling myself toward a place there is no coming back from, because I have to. For me.

“I’m trying to figure out what’s next for Ty and me. That will include Garrett, whether it’s only in the business or our personal lives too. I hope your family can support my decisions, and realize I will always keep Kevin’s memory alive for Ty. I want him to remember his daddy. Kevin was the best father I could ever ask for my child.”

Rita’s eyes fill with tears as she hisses her response. “I can’t believe you, Savannah Scott. After all these years, you could just move on like that—sell Kevin’s business, cut me out, talk about going somewhere else with Ty? He’s the only thing we have left of Kevin.” She wipes her hand across her eyes in anger. “I always thought Kevin was an idiot for marrying you, and now I see I was right.”

She pivots on her heel, striding away and out the door to the porch, slamming the door loud enough that several people turn to look at me. I see Kevin’s mother whisper something to his father, tossing me a dirty look before she leaves after Rita. Kevin’s dad looks at me with concern, but then goes back to his card game with Ty, obviously intent on distracting him.

My mother is on me in moments, but thank God Tully is right behind her.

“What was that about?” Ma whisper shouts at me as she grabs my elbow a little too firmly and drags me to the kitchen. Tully follows close behind.

Once we’re all ensconced in the kitchen, the door shut behind us, Ma repeats her question.

I sigh, taking a seat on the barstool at the kitchen counter. “It’s complicated, Ma. Rita’s upset—”

“Well, the whole houseful of people could see that. What did you do to upset her is what I want to know.”

Tully is biting down on her lip, and I know she’s trying not to get in the middle, but she’s a fighter, and not likely to keep quiet for long.

“There was a mix up at the bar and we cancelled our distribution contract with her company—”

“Oh shit,” Tully murmurs.

“You what?!” Ma cries.

“It was an accident.”

“And let me guess,” she snaps. “The rock star had something to do with it.”

“Yes, but—”

“This is exactly what I was talking about, Savvy. How in the world can you let some other man simply have access to Kevin’s business like that? Not to mention—” her voice drops like there are a crowd of people listening to us instead of an empty room, “your bed.” I feel dirty just from the way she says it.

“Mom!” Tully chastises. “Savvy’s a grown woman. It’s not any of your—”

“What?” Ma interrupts. “None of my business? When my daughter, the mother of my only grandchild, is dishonoring her family—her husband’s memory—endangering her child’s future?”

“I’m not dishonoring the family, Ma. Nor am I endangering Ty’s future. I still have all the decision-making control over the bar. And Garrett’s money has put us into the black and given me a lot more time to spend with Ty.”

“If you have so much decision-making control, why did Rita’s company get left behind in all your new plans?”

“Jesus, Ma,” Tully mutters in exasperation.

In the last three days, I’ve had Garrett go off the rails, discovered my sister-in-law knew I was being unfaithful to Kevin in some fashion, and now my mother is on me again. I’m defending Garrett to person after person, and for all I know he’s been fucking groupies right and left since I last talked to him.

I can’t handle any more of this. I’m sick to death of being strong. I turn to Tully. “Will you please get Ty out of here and take him to your house? I’ll call you later.”

“Okay.” She’s my best friend and she understands me better than anyone in the world. “Please be safe,” she says quietly before she hugs me tight. “I love you,” she whispers in my ear.

I pull away and look at my mother, who’s glaring at the two of us.

“I’m done, Ma. Done discussing these things with you. Maybe it’s my own fault. I’ve never stood up to you. I always let everyone else decide what was best for me. But I’m a grown woman. I’ve lived through shit you can only dream of. You’ll never know what it was like to watch those men gun him down.” My heart races, and I feel the beginning of another panic attack like I had that night when Garrett took care of me. I want him here so bad right now it hurts, but I know he can’t fix this. You can do this, Savvy, I tell myself.

“You’ll never have to watch a man you love bleed to death on a dirty floor,” I continue. “I’m sorry if you don’t like the choices I’m making, but they’re mine to make. The bar is mine. Ty is mine. My life is mine. You’ve been lucky as hell, because I’m a damn good daughter. I wasn’t a perfect wife, but I did my best for Kevin, and Ty is the living proof I’m a kickass mom. I’ve earned the right to make my own choices, and my own friends. Deal with it or get the hell out of my life.”

Then I march to the back door and slam out of the house before running to my car where I drive to the nearest parking lot and break down utterly and completely.