Once Baz and Mila left, Harper and Eli quickly followed suit. “Think about what we talked about earlier,” she whispered as we hugged goodbye.

“I will,” I assured her. I gently closed the door behind them. Now, I was left alone with Geoff.

“Alone at last,” he whispered, as he wrapped his arms around me from behind and I felt his lips kiss the side of my neck. I leaned back into him and let him kiss me some more, waiting to feel some sort of reaction. And yet, I felt nothing. No heart rate increase, no throbbing in my nether regions, nothing. I wanted to feel something, anything. Something to make me feel like I was normal. I turned and faced Geoff. I kissed his full lips, but again nothing. I pulled back and looked into his eyes.

“I had a good time tonight, but I’m really exhausted. You understand, don’t you?” I asked trying to let him down gently.

“Sure, I do.” He forced a smile to his lips that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“I’m sorry, it’s just been a really long day. And you’re a really great guy, I think I just need some more time.” The old ‘it’s not you it’s me’ line, but in this situation, it was the truth. It was me.

His eyes filled with disappointment and he kissed me on the cheek, “No problem. Night, Gemma.” I wanted to feel bad, but instead all I felt was relieved.

After he left, I locked the door and leaned back against it for a second, savoring the fact that I was alone. I looked around my cozy home. It wasn’t huge, but I was proud that I had been able to buy a home in this area of town. It was a small ranch, with three bedrooms. It had been a bit of a fixer-upper, but I managed to get it all done the way I wanted, one step at a time.

Shoving myself off, I wandered into my master bedroom and got changed for bed. Rationally, I knew chemistry couldn’t be forced, but the fact that I hadn’t felt it with anyone in the past eight years, told me it was me and not them. Counseling had helped me in some ways. It helped me realize what happened wasn’t my fault, but maybe I needed to go back for more. I walked back to the dining room to finish cleaning up. I packed Apples to Apples back up and shoved it into my game closet.

I felt the heaviness of my senior year press down on my shoulders. I dragged myself to the bathroom to brush my teeth and then climbed into bed. I grabbed the novel off my bedside table. I was reading “Crash Into Me, The Wicked Wingmen Series,” a hot romance about second chance love, with bad boy, sexy pilots and tons of chemistry. I could feel the emotions jumping off the pages of the book. This was what I wanted to feel in real life. Maybe I was aiming too high. Maybe it was just the stuff of fairytales?

I reached into my nightstand and pulled out my rabbit. He’d been my special friend for years. He made me feel all kinds of things. Just because I hadn’t physically had sex with another person didn’t mean I wasn’t able to take care of my own needs. I let my mind drift to the characters in the book and it wasn’t long before my orgasm washed over me. After my system calmed, I set the toy off to the side and, as I drifted off to sleep, I vowed to call my psychologist in the morning.

* * *

I woke to my phone playing the harp tone I had chosen for my alarm sound. It was so much nicer to wake up to that than an obnoxious beeping. I was thankful I had cut myself off early last night, a headache would have sucked since I had to go shoot engagement photos. I climbed out of bed, ate some breakfast and got ready for the day. I had chosen this profession to remind myself that lots of people do find “the one” that they can have a connection with. I called Dr. Williams and left a voicemail to set up a session. Hopefully, she would help me feel more grounded. I grabbed my gear from the closet, loaded up my SUV, and headed to the shoot.

I saw Katy and Aaron as I pulled up. They looked so in love. This is what love looked like. It is real, I reminded myself. I met them at a wedding I had shot a couple months back and they reached out to me as soon as they had gotten engaged. They were just starting the fun journey of wedding planning.

“Hi, guys!” I waved as I started to unload. Aaron came over to offer some help. We’d chosen a park for the pictures and, in typical Phoenix fashion, it was a beautiful sunny day. He grabbed my bag and tripod from my hands, such a gentleman. “Where would you like me to set it for you?”

“Um…” I looked around and pointed to the vacant picnic table a little ways off. “How bout over there?”

I grabbed my other bag and strapped my camera around my neck. It was a bonus that after this shoot was done I’d be able to take some shots of the park and, fingers crossed, I’d stumble across something beautiful to add to my collection.

I snapped shot after shot, giving them direction. Tilt your face this way, put your hand there, look at the ground, look at each other. Anytime I was in a shoot, everything else faded away. I was smiling at the happy couple in front of me and time flew by. Once I felt I had all the photos I’d need, I wrapped up the shoot. I’d go home, upload them into my photo editing software, use different filters and make them the most beautiful they could possibly become.

“I’ll call you guys as soon as I’ve got the proofs ready for you to choose from.” I smiled as I began to pack up.

“Thanks, Gemma. You’re the best. We’re so excited to see how they turned out.” Katy smiled happily, as they turned to walk to their car.

“Anytime.” I smiled, waving as they drove away.

I continued to pack up most of my stuff, but kept my tripod, camera and a few lenses just in case. I locked my SUV and headed towards the area that had the most trees. I wasn’t looking to catch anything specific, just something beautiful. I started with my 70-300mm lens. I let the hours pass and got lost in the beauty of nature. I ended up with a Macro of a gorgeous butterfly, two hummingbirds chasing each other and a set of quail leading their covey across the field.

It was way past lunch time, and getting close to dinner, when I finally emerged and started towards home. I had a voicemail from Dr. Williams asking if I could come in on Tuesday. I promptly returned the call and said yes, Tuesday at 1:30p.m. would be perfect. I had a text from Geoff asking if I wanted to do something tonight, which I left unanswered. I wasn’t intentionally blowing him off, but I didn’t know what to do with him at this point either.

I also had a text from Baz telling me he was thinking of me and hoped I was ok since I had seemed off last night. Maybe I could open up more to Baz, get his opinion. That was one of the great things about having a male best friend, I could ask him practically anything and not feel like a complete fool. Rather than texting, I called him.

Just my luck, I got his voicemail. “Hey, Baz. It’s me. Just give me a call when you’ve got some free time. I could definitely use some of your male perspective.”

Then, to be fair, I sent off a text to Geoff and told him I already had plans for the night, but that we’d talk soon.