“JUST A FEW more stores and I'll stop torturing you,” I tell Carter as I drag him from store to store just a few days before Christmas.
“You're the only person I know that waits until a few days before Christmas to get all their shopping done.” He laughs with a shake of his head.
I just shrug, I don't really have a good excuse. Haven't been in the spirit much I guess.
I play it off and just give him my squinted eyes over my shoulder.
“Well when we're done, let's grab some food. I'm starved, and while that belly isn't showing a baby yet, I know how you eat.”
“Mmmmm, that's a great idea. I'm sort of craving some Chinese.”
“Good thing this mall has a good food court. I have more choices today than your cravings as of late.”
I just stick out my tongue.
He's quick to the draw and has his mouth over that tongue biting mine before I can blink.
“You know what that does to me, Starfish, and you don't play fair,” he says on a groan.
I kiss him back a moment and just get lost in him.
“What a sweet couple,” I hear over my shoulder as someone passes by.
Feeling my face heat, I pull back to see an elderly couple walk by holding hands.
“I want that, when I'm old. To still be just as in love and not be able to live without the person beside me,” I say as I look from them back up to Carter still holding my waist.
“I'll make sure of it,” he whispers into my hair.
I just close my eyes and feel him. He's worked hard to bust down all my walls. To get me out of my head and let him just be there all the time. I've given in a little in the last month, but I still can't just completely let go. My gut tells me life can't just stay happy.
“Let's go eat. I'm done shopping,” I tell him as I step back and just grab his hand.
“You sure?”
“I am. Plus we have a tree to decorate at your place,” I tell him as we head toward the food court.
“I already told you I don't need a tree.”
“Sure you do. Everyone needs a tree for Christmas, no matter how big or small. It's a feeling of, I don't know...a light in us that shines this time of year. I want to have that with you at your place too.”
“Then a tree at my place we will have too,” he says, pulling me to him and kissing the top of my head.
I just can't help the warm feeling of these small moments. I feel like these are moments I need to make last.
***
After we get back to Carter's apartment, I start unpacking all the little things we picked up to decorate his place up a little.
He just sits down on the couch and silently watches me.
“What?” I ask as I feel his stare.
He just shakes his head, a small laugh escaping. “I'm just watching you and remembering how much you really have always loved this time of year. It's so important to you. That's why I won't argue about you making the mess you are right now of my nice clean and unlived in space.”
“Well, you could come and help me make a mess and get this little tree up.”
“Oh, I'll give you a mess alright,” he says as he gets up and pulls me to him. Pulling the star I was opening for the top of the tree, he holds it over my head.
“What are you doing?” I ask on a laugh.
“Kiss me under the star.”
“Isn't it mistletoe?”
“I'll make it whatever I want it to be. You are my star, the star that's always shined like a beacon in my world.”
He doesn't have to say another word. I pull myself to my knees and grab his face gently. Closing my eyes I lean to give him a kiss. As my lips touch his, he threads his hands in my hair holding my face to his gently. God, I've always loved when he did this, it makes me feel so precious.
I've held back for so long and I can't anymore.
I climb onto his lap and straddle his large muscular thighs, bringing my chest flush with his. I deepen the kiss and quicken the pace as I feel almost desperate to be as close to him as possible. Grinding my hips down to meet the hard bulge beneath me, he pulls back to look at me. Both of our breaths are heaving as we stare at each other.
“Starfish, you sure you want this? If you keep this up, I won't be able to move myself from you. I will fuck you senseless the way I've been wanting to since you started letting me back in. I'm a starving man for you.”
“I need you, Carter, please,” I beg as I rock myself into the now full erection beneath me.
His mouth crashes to mine again as both our hands frantically grab and paw at each other. As I sit up and lift my shirt over my head, trying desperately to get my skin closer to touching his, he stops me.
“My room, I want you in my bed. I haven't been with you in so long, it won't be hurried or on the floor, Starfish.”
I slowly climb off his lap and stand. I'm ready to take off for a sprint down the hallway to his bedroom. I need him more than I ever have, I feel like I might combust if he doesn't touch me soon. I'm a live wire ready to explode, these must be the crazy hormones I was warned about.
Carter gets up in front of me and holds my hand. He's still on his knees before standing. Leaning forward slightly, he does something I will never in my life forget. He places his lips to my stomach as if it's the most precious thing. The hot and demanding Carter Avery is giving the child in my stomach the love he says he always will. The tears start hot and coursing down my face in moments as I stare down at him.
Looking back up to me, he just gives me his full dimpled smile. Placing my hands on his stubbly cheeks, I try and tell him without my choked words how much he moves me. Placing a final kiss to my belly, he stands and lifts me with him. His mouth fuses with mine as I wrap my legs around his waist. With his hands supporting me under my ass, I pull away and kiss his neck. The spot under his ear that leads down to his shoulder, my spot. The growl that comes deeply rumbling from his throat spurs me further on. Giving a small bite, I feather my hands in the back of his hair. It's then we reach his bedroom door and he all but runs to the bed.
I laugh as he slams my back to the bed and supports his weight on his elbows on either side of me.
“Jesus, you're killing me, Starfish. I have to have you now,” he growls as he pulls my yoga pants off with one big yank.
Laying there in my panties, under his stare, I feel like my skin is alive. His small touch to my ankle sends a jolt I wasn’t expecting straight to me core. I'm moaning as I wait for his next move.
He stares at me with a fire in his eyes, but the way he holds his lips firmly tells me he doesn't really know what to do. We've never had an awkwardness where our sex life is concerned, but there is now. I've shared myself with another man.
Carter turns and reaches into the drawer of his nightstand. I see what he's getting and a pang of jealousy hits me. We never used condoms when we were together. He has these for the time we were apart and he was with someone else or others. I don't want to think there were more than just Marissa.
“Carter, look at me.”
He turns my way as he holds the small packet in his hand.
“I understand your hesitation. I get it, and I hate barriers between us. But my life with Trent wasn't what I thought. Until I can be tested, I think you need to be protected. I'm so sorry I made our love awkward now,” I cry out.
“Shhhhh, I trust you but I think it's best for now. I have forever with you, wearing these is just temporary okay?”
I just nod. I don't want him to feel strange with loving my body. I'm sure it already will feel different now that I'm pregnant. The small pooch on my lower stomach reminds me that he or she is there.
Carter leans forward as he unbuckles his pants. He places a kiss to my small baby pooch, then while making eye contact with me, down to the center of my panty covered mound. He blows his mouth over the scrap of material, my back bows and my toes curl. The live wire of my skin is humming again, but I can't take it. It's too much.
“Carter,” I pant on a moan, “I need you inside me. Right now...ohhhh right now,” I yell out into the darkening room.
He pulls back and stands up at the end of the bed. Pulling his shirt over his head, I get an eyeful of the fine piece of art that is Carter Avery. Every piece of him has been carefully sculpted, every dip and lickable valley of his body. It was made for my touch, and the fire in his eyes as he looks me over has the wetness pooling between my legs.
Just as I'm getting lost in the honey brown stare of his eyes to my blue ones, I'm yanked to the side of the bed by my ankles. In one swift move my panties are yanked down my legs and thrown behind him.
The package he had grabbed from the nightstand is now ripped open and sheathed on his hardness while never breaking the smoldering stare he holds with mine, the glossiness of his eyes knowing I've done this to him. He's almost frantic to be inside me, like he wouldn't survive without being with me.
Lining himself up, he shoves into me the same time he pulls my legs, sliding my hips to hang off the bed. I'm at his mercy as he holds himself there a moment, his breathing so deep trying to control himself.
“Let go, Carter, give me all of you,” I beg as my head now thrashes on his bed. I'm frantic to feel his punishing pace inside me. To feel all of him, no control just pure love and lust of the moment.
Bending down he brings his face to mine as he just lets go. He's thrusting into me like a crazed man finally getting the fix he's been after. The junky in need. In need of me, of what I do to him.
I'm spiraling higher with each thrust of his hips.
“I can't get enough of you, I'll never have enough of you. But please, tell me you're okay.”
“Shhh, don't stop. Oh God, Carter please don't stop I need you so bad.”
His mouth crashes to mine in a growl and I explode with white light exploding behind my eyes. My pulse is racing through my ears and it's all I can hear. My mouth is open but it's so intense I can't make any sound.
“That's it, let go. Let go, Starfish, and show me what I do to you,” he grunts, now pushing harder as I hold him closer to me. I can't let him go.
“Those screams of yours are so goddamn hot, Jesus you're fucking beautiful,” he says as he throws his head back finding his release.
His pace is slow and gentle as he now comes down from his own orgasm. Even the barrier between us hasn't made this moment any less intense. Bringing his forehead to mine, he just tries to catch his breath, breathing into me as I feel his breath fan across my face.
“I love you, Carter. I love you so much. Please don't ever let me live without you again,” I cry out now feeling the emotions of our time we missed together. The sadness for what we can never get back.
“Never, I'll never make you live without me. You're my fucking world and it hasn't been right since you've been gone. I'm so sorry for the time we spent apart, Starfish. I'm so fucking sorry,” he lets out as he breathes into my neck.
“Just hold me, please, and don't ever let me go.”
“Always.”
***
The Christmas and New Year have passed quickly. Other than the time we spent with our families celebrating, we've only spent time with each other. I'm off from school and Carter has tried to work as little as has he can. We're making up for lost time.
I don't have to make love with Carter to know that he loves me, to know that I'm cherished. I've never felt this with anyone else, it only took our time apart for me to realize that.
My heartbreak had me running for the guy that showed me the first bit of attention and I took it and held it. But I realize now it was so wrong, it was never as right as I wanted to make myself believe it was.
Amy called me after Christmas to check on me and see how I was. I do miss her, but I can't let myself fall back with her family. Or be near her brother. She does understand and I'm glad for that. She told me her family raked him over the coals during the holidays for how he fucked up. How he hasn't taken his responsibilities like a man or how they raised him to be. They're relationship is strained after Halloween and what happened at Uncle Henry’s house. His drinking has become worse and he's no longer hiding it from everyone.
Now almost mid January, I’m seeing more changes in my body. My breasts continue to get larger and more swollen. My tummy has become a little more pronounced, which makes not many of my clothes fit.
Sitting here now, my hand is on my tummy just rubbing it absentmindedly while Carter and I just lay on the couch watching TV. Nothing interesting is on and we've just been trying to find something to hold our attention.
Little bumps from the inside have me sitting up and taking notice. I've never felt this before.
The small little bumps against my lower tummy are little flutters that feel like butterflies trying to break free. A small giggle escapes as I feel the little tickles from inside me.
“What's got you giggling over here?” Carter asks on a small chuckle as he holds me tighter to his front. He's lying with his back to the couch, my back to his front with his arm around me.
Grabbing his hand, I pull it to my stomach where I feel the little tickles.
“Do you feel that?”
He's silent a moment. “What am I supposed to be feeling, sweetheart?”
“You can't feel the little bump bumps?”
“I just feel your belly moving with your giggles,” he says on an amused laugh.
“I can feel the baby moving, I think that's what I'm feeling. I've never felt this before,” I say, turning my head back to face him.
His eyes hold mine in this special moment. He's holding me close while together we hold my baby in our hands. Our baby.
I'm almost eighteen weeks along now and my next appointment is my ultrasound. I'm hoping to find out the sex of this little baby, it's been killing me not knowing. It feels like it's taken forever to get this far so I can know. I just want to name him or her and get everything I need to spoil them rotten.
My phone chimes on the coffee table in front of us. Picking it up, I see it's a text message from Trent.
Trent- Hi, how are you? How are you feeling?
Carter must have read it over my shoulder. The small snort I feel and hear against the side of my head is a big indication.
“You're kidding me, right?” he says now sitting up. “Why now does he decide to reach out to you?”
“I don't know.” I sit feeling dumbfounded. I've given him no thoughts as I've built my world back and gotten back to being happy again. To making things right with Carter again. “I need to answer him.”
“You don't owe him a goddamn thing, Andrea. You hear me?”
Him saying my name is rare, but it's also when I know he isn't happy. It's like when your parents pull out the full name, you know there's trouble.
“I know I don't. But I can't ignore him, that's just not me,” I plead with him.
“You're too kind for your own good sometimes, Starfish,” he says as he lays the side of his head against mine.
I don't want to answer him, but I feel like I need to.
Andrea- Hi, I'm fine.
Trent- Glad to hear. What did you do with the baby?
Andrea- I’m still pregnant, Trent, if that's what you're asking me.
He's silent for a few minutes. I feel on edge with anything else he could say and I don't like that feeling. So I go against everything my gut tells me and text him again.
Andrea- My next appointment is the end of next week. I'm hoping to find out if I'm having a boy or girl. I will let you know. I don't owe you that, but I will let you know.
Trent- Thank you. Take care of yourself.
“You're amazing, you know that?”
“Please don't be upset with me Carter,” I plead as I roll over to lay against his chest. Lifting my chin to look at him, he just gives me his dimpled smile.
“I mean you're amazing, your heart is so big. There isn't a person on this earth that deserves you or your love. I don't deserve you either. I'm just damn glad you see the good in me and love me the way you do,” he tells me with a kiss to my nose.
Scooting higher, I just wrap my arms around his neck. “Thank you for loving me,” I whisper.