Chapter Five
Jenalyn
The kids are fed, bathed, and tucked safely away in their beds. Justice stayed behind for what was supposed to be a brief meeting, but has once again proved to be anything but. Seems like lately all they have is meeting after meeting. I’m also fairly certain any felonious activity they’re involved in has only increased since Mila’s here. I shudder just thinking about it.
I shower and after that, take a seat at the counter to our horseshoe-shaped bar. As I pick at some cherry cobbler left over from the cookout, I reminisce about how this was my daddy’s favorite. Glancing back and forth occasionally at the baby monitors, I think of how proud he would be right now. Hell, how proud he is, because I know wherever he is that he’s watching over us all. Tears prick the back of my lids, and I desperately try to ward them off. The last thing I want after such a fun-filled day is to be sitting here in a pool of tears when Justice comes home. Not to mention my daddy wouldn’t want me crying another tear for him, but that doesn’t mean I can always control it.
My mother puts on a brave face, but I know she still suffers in silence. I’m sure it’s easier with Mila around now too. However, I can’t even imagine how she must feel some days. Before Leo was born, she spent a lot of her time traveling as per requested by my father in his will. My mother also spent a lot of time in Dallas with Donna, and the Blazin’ Souls MC. They were a part of her original MC family, and I honestly think she felt more connected to my daddy and the memories of where it all began. Let’s face it, before Mila, Soul Shifterz MC was consisting more of the newer generation of women. I mean, her daughter for fuck’s sake was now the ‘Ol lady of the club’s VP. I can see how these things would affect her mentally and emotionally.
The security alarm and cameras beep, alerting me to the fact that my man has arrived. As I turn my gaze up and at the main front camera, I see him hopping off his bike. Damn, my baby’s sexy. A major fucking thorn in my side most days, but I’d be a liar if I didn’t admit his over-the-top ways drive me wild inside. Some might say it’s sadistic, our banter, and maybe it is, but it’s how we connect.
I walk over and open the front door for him. “Hi, babe.”
A look of concern crosses his face as he walks past me and sets his keys down. He turns around and looks at me as I close the door. “What’s wrong, my everything?” he questions, as he walks up and cups my face.
See? The tiniest nostalgic moment and any evidence of that left my face over five minutes ago, yet he can still read me like the fine print on a damn warranty. “Nothing anymore,” I say through a deep and tired sigh. “It was the cobbler. I’m okay now.”
His eyes widen and some color appears to drain from his face momentarily before he understands exactly what I meant. “Your Dad’s favorite?”
I nod to answer him before I bury my head into his chest and he wraps his arms around me. “What did you think I meant? You looked scared for a moment and your heart’s racing.” I pull my head back from his chest and look up at him.
He blows out a sigh followed by a chuckle as he looks down at me. “I... I don’t know. For a quick second when you mentioned cobbler, and I knew something was wrong, but your voice was soft and glowy-sounding...I guess I thought you were about to tell me we’re pregnant again.”
Pulling myself completely out of his embrace, but making sure our eyes stay connected, I ask him, “You thought what?” I giggle for a moment. “Okay, three things need addressing here. First, it’s called an IUD, Jus. Nope, not pregnant. Second thing, what’s this ‘we’ you refer to? I do not recall you blowing up like the Goodyear blimp and pushing out either child from any of your holes. Are you implying you have the pussy now, and owning I wear the pants? Thirdly, what the hell is ‘glowy-sounding’?”
“Okay, smartass, let me explain three things to you. The doctor told us while it’s almost impossible, people do still become pregnant with that thing you have up in there. Secondly, I’ll have you remember that I in fact did gain some weight during both pregnancies. All those midnight runs for ice-cream sundaes you took two bites of and were done with. Remember those? Yeah. Someone had to finish those, otherwise it would’ve just gone to waste. Thirdly, ‘glowy-sounding’ is the only way I know how to describe your tone when you’re being both genuine and emotional. Both of which you only really ever sound like when you’re pregnant. Now, get your ass back over here,” he finishes as he wraps an arm around my waist and jerks me back into his body and a kiss so powerful it seems to make time stand still.
He swoops me up bridal style, and carries me to our bedroom.
Savanna
It’s been a week since our annual club cookout, and the other ‘Ol ladies and us chat daily. Ashton’s trying to figure out a way or a place for us all to actually meet one another and I’m super excited about that. What has me less than thrilled these days is that I’m terrified that I might be pregnant. I haven’t even confided in Jenalyn about this one. What would be the point of telling her? She’d insist I take a test immediately and I’m not sure I can handle the results. That topic has been a constant elephant in the room between me and Ty, an elephant I will go out of my way to avoid at all costs. Ty has expressed before that he wants at least one child, and I have told him that the one thing in life I never see myself being is a Mom. Yet, here I am a week late, and I could very well be pregnant. How can I mentally and emotionally justify the fact that I had an abortion years ago, yet now somehow, this potential baby’s life is valuable? These are the thoughts that run rampant throughout my mind daily even when I’m not amidst a pregnancy scare. Even my trusted meditation hasn’t quite been cutting it here lately. I’m usually the calm one, the voice of reason, and I know I’m being hard on myself, yet consciously I can’t help it.
I’m extremely in-tune with my body, and other than a late period, I have zero physical symptoms of a baby growing inside of me. I badly want to unload this weight from my shoulders, but don’t want to risk anyone from within my own club knowing that this was ever a concern especially if it turns out to be a false alarm. I wonder if any of the other ladies are online, and if we can go into a private two-person conversation? I need someone who’s a good listener, non-judgmental, and who’s at least been pregnant before.
I log onto the site and don’t see anyone currently online, but one by one, I click on some of the other women’s profile pictures looking for any sign of one with children. I can’t remember who all has mentioned children besides Skylar, so I click on hers first.
I private message her: Hey, Skylar. Are you there?
After several minutes go by with no response, I click on Kori’s after noticing her photo is what I believe to be her and her children.
I private message Kori: Kori? It’s Savanna. Would you happen to have a minute?
Kori responds: Hey lady, how are you doing today? I have time, what can I do for you?
I respond: I’m okay, I think? Actually, I have a dilemma and I don’t want any of my sisters knowing...at least not yet. You see, my period is late, and it is never late. Kids are something I don’t want. No offense to anyone with children, it’s just that I have something from my past that still sort of affects me to this day. Sorry for being vague.
Kori responds: My that is a dilemma, and don’t worry about being vague, we all have things we hold to ourselves...whatever it is isn’t my business. My job as your friend and confidant is to be there to hold your hand so to speak. Are you having any other symptoms other than a missed menstrual cycle?
I respond: No, that’s the thing. The only symptom I have is a missed period, and I can tell you for a given fact if any of my sisters knew, they’d be shoving a pregnancy test under my urine as I pee. <facepalm>
Kori responds: Lmfao...that’s funny and it’s not. I know how much having someone up in your business isn’t enjoyable all the time. I’m sure they’d do it out of love, but I feel where you’re coming from. If a test isn’t something you’re ready for at this time, and you’re having no other symptoms, as of now, I’d try not to stress on it. Because, honestly, unless you’re only a few days pregnant, you’d be experiencing something besides a missed period. Your breasts would feel heavy and sensitive, your nipples would definitely be extra sensitive, at least that was the case for me. I know not all women are the same, and experience other things during pregnancy, but I have a feeling that you’d be having something happening with you that isn’t ‘normal’ so to speak. You know your body better than anyone else, and if you sit and stress on this, you may never receive your monthly visit. If you know what I mean...stress is a huge key factor in most missed cycles. Are you more stressed than you’d normally be?
I respond: Well, yes, I suppose I am. My man and I use condoms because I’m not too excited about what’s considered the new ‘norm’ as far as birth control. While I know condoms are only about ninety-nine percent effective, we haven’t ever had one break. Kori, I have actually been pregnant before, but let’s just say I ‘lost’ that baby. Given the manner in which I ‘lost’ that baby, my mind can’t seem to reconcile valuing one life over another. Sorry for unloading this on you, and I hope if you’ve read between the lines you don’t think less of me…
Kori responds: I’m not one to pass judgement on another for what they have, or will do, when it comes to their bodies or family. You can’t place the value of one child’s situation on another one. If that wasn’t the time, or the situation wasn’t right, for the other one to be born, you’re the only one who would be able to make that judgement call. Sometimes, life’s situations aren’t ideal for bringing a life into the world.
I respond: You know, it’s felt so good to get this burden off of my shoulders. Only my closest sisters know about my past, I don’t share this information with just anybody, ya know? But you’re right, the timing was less than optimal, and it wouldn’t have been fair to bring an innocent life into my world at that time. Not to mention I was extremely young.
Kori responds: Hey, I just want to let you know what you’ve shared with me will stay between us, I’m like your own personal confessional. My lips are sealed, but for what it’s worth, I don’t believe you’re pregnant. I think you’re stressed, and your body is reacting to that. I wouldn’t personally go more than another week of a missed period however, because it could possibly be something other than pregnancy, and your body is a temple, one you have to take care of and treasure. We only get one, and it’s worth everything to our family and friends. Please take care of yourself, and I’m always here if you need a friend or confidant.
I respond: You’re so right. It’s usually me telling this to people and expressing the importance of taking care of their bodies. I guess for once I just needed someone to remind me without the fire-breathing sisters of mine forcing me to do something I’m not emotionally ready to deal with if true. Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to help lighten my mental load. Take care, Kori. <3
Kori responds: We may not be club sisters, but we are sisters of the same lifestyle. You take care of you, but please remember, your sisters love you and respect you. They’re only looking out for you the same way you would them. Believe in them and let them be there if you find yourself backed into a corner. If you’re not ready for their interference, I’m just a private message away. Please keep in touch and let me know how you are. ((hugs))
I respond: Right back at ya!
My body falls back into the chair I’m sitting in as the invisible cement blocks I was wearing around my shoulders earlier begin to dissipate. Thank goodness Kori was on. That woman reminds me so much of what Lorna must’ve been like during her younger years as an ‘Ol lady. She’s non-judgmental, a good listener, and offers stellar advice. I close my laptop, and hear the front door open.
“Hey, blondie,” Ty greets me as he leans down and kisses the top of my head while tossing his keys on the table next to my laptop. “What is it? You look somewhere between exhausted and relieved.”
I’m not ready to have this conversation with him as I feel it has the potential to turn into a possible argument. So, I’m going to wait a few more days and see if I start my period first. I mean, I have it on what I consider good authority to do just that.
Standing up, I wrap my arms around his neck. “I’m fine, sexy, really. Between all the yoga classes I’ve taught this week, and all the tattoos I’ve done, I am in fact exhausted, relieved, and elated. I’m relieved because my work for the week is over, and I’m elated because I’ve helped people, and my bank account reflects that,” I tell him, knowing there is some truth in that, but I’m also lying straight to his face. I better watch it, or he will see right through me.
“You sure?” he prys, as his hand caresses my cheek and I find myself leaning into his touch.
“Yes, if anything changes, I’ll be sure you’re the first one to know,” I tell him as he pulls me toward him and we both fall onto the bed.
We lay there for about twenty minutes. We make small talk and all the while, my mind skips back and forth between staying focused, and the sinking feeling in my stomach. The feeling that comes when you’re being less than honest with the one person in this world who has your back above anyone else.
“I’m sorry business has been keeping me away a lot here lately,” he tells me. “You know it won’t always be like this, right?”
I roll onto my side, facing him. “Are you really explaining club life to me?” I tease. “Have you forgotten I was born into this?”
He turns and props himself up to face me as we lay on the bed. “Have you forgotten who you’re talking to?” he asks me jokingly. “You know I love you more than my own life, blondie, right?”
I nod and feel a grin begin to make an appearance on my face. I run my hand through his short hair where it eventually finds its resting place on the back of his neck. “I know you do, as I do you. As far as all this ‘have I forgotten who I’m talking to mess’, you might just have to remind me,” I tell him giving him the green light to officially remind me underneath our sheets.