My hands shook as she walked out, so I shoved them into my pockets hoping she didn’t catch it. Thank you? Was that a modern adaption, to say thank you after sex like she thanked me for buying dinner or pulling out a chair?

The taste and scent of her still lingered. I would never be able to look at my desk the same way again, and her response was: thank you.

I took a long breath, but all that came with it was the reminder of her. I tossed the cloth I held onto the sink before washing my hands and face. There was no way anything would get done after that. I adjusted the hard-on still choking in my trousers and then slipped into my jacket.

When I stepped out of the office Mina ducked her head and stared studiously at the desk. She must have heard us. Perfect. Exactly what both Izzy and I needed. I left without saying a word. Anything I could say might just embarrass us both. Instead of seeking her out, I went to the corner cafe and sat outside to watch for her. I wouldn’t follow her, but would ask to walk her home, so we might have a chance to talk about everything.

What did it mean? Did she believe me or did she simply want to get the end she was denied last night? I didn’t mind either way, but what I didn’t like was not knowing where I stood, and everything between us was well into limbo at the moment.

I had no idea how long I sat there. The sun was beginning to set when some of the stage crew from the theater stopped into the cafe. I kept myself behind a newspaper. They all sat at a table nearby and chattered like hens.

I was ready to make a discreet exit when Izzy walked in. She rolled her eyes as she passed the chattering table and barely spared me a glance as I hunkered under the newspaper.

The table started up again once she went up to the counter. One girl leaned in to the other. “You know what I heard? That she’s sleeping with Mr. Gray.”

The blonde across the table looped herself into the conversation. “Maybe that’s how you get to be producer. I’d do anything that man wanted, and he doesn’t even have to give me a job.”

The first girl who spoke giggled behind her coffee. “I’ll give him a job.”

I let out a sigh but didn’t speak up. It wasn’t the first time a woman had spoken about me like that, and it wouldn't be the last. What ate at me was how they spoke about Izzy. She was a damn good employee, and they had no right to insinuate her job had anything to do with me.

I took a deep breath, closed the paper, and snapped it in half. The blonde who’d been facing my direction sucked in a load of air and choked, causing her friends to look back.

I met the rowdy brunette’s eyes and waited for her to look away. They stayed quiet until I slipped between the tables and headed in the direction I knew Izzy would take. Hopefully the hens would go home before she came out. It took five more minutes for her to pass the doorway I’d been leaning on.

“Are you following me?” I called out.

She snorted into her coffee cup and pulled it away to wipe her lips. “Well you do have some pretty useful skills.”

“Like suave good looks and an excellently alphabetized library?”

That earned me another chuckle. “Amongst other things.”

“Can I walk you home?”

She ambled back and forth on the sidewalk kicking her foot. “I guess you can, as long as you know I won’t invite you up.”

“Of course. I just want a chance to talk a little.”

She didn’t answer but started toward her home, and I fell in step beside her. The summer air was fragrant from nearby flowerbeds, and the wind blew just on the good side of cool. It felt almost normal, meandering the Paris streets with her. Like we might be a couple.

But that wasn’t the case, as she kept reminding me.

“Can we start over?”

She glanced at me then back down the road. “Why do we need to start over? I didn’t think we needed a redo. I actually thought I was very clear about what this is or isn’t.”

My hands began to shake again, and I put them in my pockets. “Yes, you were clear about what you wanted. But I’m a businessman and an excellent negotiator. And I want you.”

She jerked to a stop. “Say that again.”

“I want you.”

She took another swig of coffee and gave me a long look. One of those weighed and measured sort of looks that leave you feeling naked. “I would like to say yes but I really don’t think that’s a good idea.”

I swallowed the lump growing wider and wider in my throat. “Is it because I’m your employer?”

“That, and the whole immortal thing is a little much.”

This was one of the main reasons so few people knew about it. Relationships were definitely not improved by the knowledge.

And not exactly telling the truth had never been an option for me. I couldn’t pretend to want to spend forever with a woman when I knew it wasn’t going to be possible. I’d also never had the courage to attempt a family with my disability.

I let the disappointment roll through me. Let it sink in. That would help me get over this, I told myself. I’d latched onto Izzy giving me a chance and allowing me to right the wrongs of my past. To make up for Sibyl’s death. When I first saw her, it had never occurred to me that she wouldn’t want me too.

“What’s going on in that head of yours?”

I realized we’d been standing silently for several minutes. “Nothing. Let me walk you home, and I’ll be on my way.”

Her eyebrows drew together into a cute little crease right above the beautiful slope of her nose. I tried to memorize everything about her in case I couldn’t get this close again.

She shook her head and started walking. We went silent, and my palms began to sweat more the closer we got to her door. As if that threshold would be the end for good.

“Does it scare you?”

Her question slapped me against the face, but it was one I’d considered before, so I had the answer to dig out of my head. “Yes and no. I’m afraid of the life I don’t get to live because of it. I won’t allow myself to have children. I can’t...” I gestured at her. “Have real relationships. I’m basically waiting forever to die. In that sense, it doesn’t scare me.”

She didn’t respond for a while. “And the evolution of the human race over the last 150 years, did that scare you?”

I considered that bigger question. “A lot of things have changed and a lot of things haven’t. There is still so much hate in the world, so much inequality. I do enjoy the internet though. And airplanes.”

“Airplanes are definitely a bonus. How did you travel around before?”

I had to think way back. “Horses, boats, that sort of thing.”

“Sounds inconvenient.”

“No more inconvenient than now. You still had to plan, buy tickets, pack, and leave. It just took longer to get everywhere.”

We wandered silently some more until I caught sight of her door closing in on us.

“I’m sorry about this afternoon,” she said, breaking the silence before we reached her building.

We stopped, and I met her eyes. “You have absolutely nothing to apologize for.”

“Then why do I feel guilty?”

“I don’t know. You shouldn’t. You didn’t take anything I didn’t offer gladly.” I lowered my voice. “And would offer again should you wish.”

Her lips curled into a smile. “Maybe in another life, Gray, we can figure this whole thing out.”

I nodded and stepped closer, closing in to wrap my hands around her small waist. She met my eyes with a question but didn’t say anything.

“If this is the last of you I’m going to get, then I want you to remember it.”

I leaned down and brushed my lips against hers, softly and slowly. Then I ran my hands up the curve of her body to cup her cheeks and draw her into me. It took a second, but then I felt her entire body shudder in my hands, and she let go, pressing into the kiss and leaving a nibble on my bottom lip. When I opened my eyes again, we were both panting.

“Thank you,” I whispered. Echoing her words from earlier. Her cheeks, already flushed, went a deeper red before she turned from the cradle of my arms and entered her building.

I stayed until she was out of sight. This wasn’t the last time I’d see her, but if I cared about her, I’d keep my distance. Her career meant a lot to her. I would protect it, and in doing so, would protect her as well.

I walked home instead of calling Michael, trying to clear my head.

When I got inside, I felt that familiar indifference rising up in my chest threatening to choke me. I’d been content with it for so long, now that I’d felt the pure honey of hope and longing for the first time in years, I didn’t know if I could go back to that box. That tiny box where the world couldn’t get in.

I stood in the middle of my living room and stared at the books. Now they only reminded me of what I didn’t have.

A flash of something struck me. An incendiary grenade to the rib cage. I swept my hand along the first shelf I could reach and dragged the books to the floor. Beautiful antiques and first editions, and I didn’t care. I didn’t want to look at them anymore.

It was as if losing Sibyl a second time had shown me I wasn’t meant to live in this world.

I should have died years ago. Decades ago.

Maybe it was time to figure out how.