“Experience is one thing you can’t get for nothing.”
—OSCAR WILDE
Don’t put yourself in compromising situations.”
Zoe Barrington arched her back in a catlike stretch, shivered at the feel of Tim’s hands around her face, and ignored her mother’s voice inside her head. Tim was the first guy she’d let get this close. They started dating over the summer. Tim had been working in Boston and they met through mutual friends, discovered they were both heading to Princeton in the fall, and next thing she knew, she thought she might be in love.
Ever since watching Cinderella as a little girl, Zoe dreamed of romance, love at first sight, and a fairy-tale wedding. And her faith made her want to save herself for marriage. Most of her friends had given up those ideals in high school, but Tim shared her convictions and her faith. They were the kind of kids parents dreamed of having. Good kids, respectful of the rules and the reasons for them. Lately, though, since her roommate had been spending more weekends at home, things were heating up a little more than they should.
“You’re so beautiful.” Tim kissed her neck as his hands slipped under her untucked shirt. Zoe ran her fingers through his thick hair and kept her eyes closed. Listened to the music on the stereo and lost herself in a whirlwind of feeling. She wouldn’t think about what a bad idea this was. Because right now it didn’t feel that way. Right now it felt amazing and right and she didn’t want him to stop.
His lips found hers again and he took possession of her mouth in a way that rendered her helpless to do anything other than surrender to the fiery sensations his kisses ignited. When his hands moved down, toward the top of her jeans, common sense kicked in. “Okay. Tim . . .” Zoe sighed, pulled his hands back, and prayed for strength. “We need to stop.”
He groaned but rolled away, smoothing her hair off her forehead. “I know. Sorry.”
She watched his brown eyes dance in the dim light, smiled, and propped her elbow, resting her head on her hand. “We should probably start meeting in the library.”
“That would be safer.” His grin widened as he leaned in again to kiss her. “But you’re right. I’m going.”
Zoe found his jacket for him and caught sight of her digital clock. “Crap, it’s 2:00 a.m.!” She’d look like a complete wreck when Dad showed up in the morning.
Tim pulled on the leather jacket and took her in his arms again. “Time flies when you’re having fun.”
How was she supposed to argue with a guy who looked that good? Zoe laughed and pushed him toward the door. “Out.”
“Okay, okay. I’ll come over around nine thirty, right? What time is your dad arriving?”
“He said ten. You don’t have to come.”
“I will. I want to make sure you’re comfortable. Then if you want me to leave I will.”
“I’ll be fine.” She managed a smile. “He’s a jerk, but he’s still my dad. You can come say hi, but I don’t want him to feel like . . . I don’t know . . . like I don’t want to be alone with him.”
“You didn’t as of yesterday,” he reminded her carefully. “You were the one who asked me to be there, remember?”
“True.” She couldn’t deny it. But she’d been thinking it over and it didn’t seem fair to her father to have Tim there. They wouldn’t really be able to talk. As much as she dreaded it, she knew she had to see him alone. “See you in the morning then.”
“I love you.” Tim pulled her closer and kissed her again. “Dream of me.”
“I always do.” Zoe closed the door behind him. She took a few deep breaths and frowned. She and Tim were walking a fine line. One of these days she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to say no. Some days she wanted nothing more than to experience all he might offer her if she agreed. But with both of them wanting to get into law school, she wasn’t about to mess up her life with an unwanted pregnancy. That’s what happened with her parents, and look how things ended up for them.
She pulled on the old Bruins T-shirt she slept in, brushed her hair, and glared at her reflection in the mirror. Every time she thought about the divorce she wanted to cry. Why did Dad have to be so stupid? Why couldn’t they just work things out? Why couldn’t life go back to the way it was before, when things had been normal and her family perfect?
As she crawled under the covers and flicked off the light, Zoe shook her head. They’d never been perfect. Things had never been normal.
Not really.
Not since the day Shelby died.
When Zoe and Tim walked in, Dad was already there, seated at a table at the far end of Starbucks. It didn’t surprise her; Kevin Barrington was always exactly on time, if not early, for everything. Which was why it hadn’t been too hard to figure out something was up when he started forgetting dinners and family functions. Zoe suspected he was having an affair long before she could ever admit it. She might have even known before her mother.
She pulled warm, coffee-scented air into her lungs, gripped Tim’s hand a little tighter, and pasted on a smile as her father saw them and stood.
“Hi, Zo.” He gave her a hesitant peck on the cheek. She stood stiffly, not knowing whether to hug him. Part of her wanted to, more than anything. But if she did, she’d probably burst into tears. Not happening. The moment passed and Dad and Tim shook hands. Tim went to get their coffee and Zoe shrugged out of her coat and sat.
“He’s not staying. He just wanted to say hi.”
Dad nodded. Was that relief she saw on his face? Probably. She sat opposite him and studied the lines around his eyes. He looked completely exhausted. Like he hadn’t slept in weeks. Zoe had always thought her father was the best-looking man on earth. Until she met Tim, of course. But for a guy in his forties, she’d still call her dad handsome. Maybe that’s what got him in trouble in the first place. But she wouldn’t go there. Didn’t want to go there. “You don’t look so hot.”
He flashed a familiar smile that hit her right in the gut. “You have your mother’s knack for being slightly less than subtle.”
“Sorry.”
“Oh, don’t apologize. It’ll come in handy in the courtroom.”
“If I get in.”
“Why wouldn’t you get in? You’re brilliant.”
“Right.” Last time she checked her GPA, she’d beg to differ. Law school seemed more out of reach than ever now, but the thought of not making it terrified her, pushed her to stay up later, study harder. Pushed her beyond the brink of terminal exhaustion. But she would do it. She had to. Their family could not afford another failure.
Zoe tapped her fingers on the worn table. Conversation buzzed at the tables around them, yet it seemed the two of them had nothing to say. She’d never found it hard to talk to her father. Today there was too much between them, too much pain and heartbreak to wade through before she could find words that wouldn’t sound hollow.
Tim came back, and they drank coffee and made small talk for ten minutes before he got up to leave. And then they were alone again.
“How’s your mom?” Dad sat back in his chair, feigning a relaxed look, but she knew better.
“Mom’s good. Not exactly sure what she’s doing up there all day. Sounds like she’s spending a lot of time with that old lady next door. She said something about a gardening project.”
“At this time of year?” His brow crinkled in his classic frown and Zoe couldn’t stop a grin.
“I think there’s some greenhouse. Remember that glass thing? You see it from the road. I guess it’s heated.”
“Okay.” He shrugged and took another sip of his espresso. “She tell you Brock Chandler lives next door?”
“Brock who?” Zoe rubbed her chin. Mom hadn’t mentioned a man.
“Chandler. He’s an author we both like. Really popular, but he rarely gives interviews. It’s kind of weird that he’s living up there. She says he’s related to the old lady, her nephew or something. Anyway . . .” He put his mug down and pushed his fingers through his hair. “Zoe, look, I wanted to tell you . . . I’m sorry for everything. I know this has been really hard on you and your brother. I really screwed things up, didn’t I?”
“You think?” She crossed her arms and blinked back tears. Dad sighed and pressed his palms down on the table. He looked like he wanted to cry too. That would be awesome, the two of them sitting here like blubbering fools where any one of her friends could walk by. “We’re all going up there for Christmas, you know, to the lake house. Me and Adam, Grandma and Gramps and everyone.”
“Oh.” The surprise on his face said he didn’t know. “Well. This is news to me.”
Now what? She couldn’t backpedal, pretend she hadn’t said it.
“I thought Mom would have told you already.”
He glanced away. “I’m sure she’s planning on it. We haven’t talked recently. I thought it best to give her some space.”
“Sorry.” The dejected look he wore pulled the apology from her. “Maybe Adam and I can come home for New Year’s to spend some time with you. We could stay at the house. Unless you have plans with what’s-her-face.”
Zoe clamped her mouth shut and studied the dark liquid in her cup. “You know what, never mind. I think that would be too awkward.” Hot tears crested her cheeks. Maybe she could leave now. Get up without another word and pretend they’d never attempted to get past this.
“Sweetheart.” Dad reached for her hand and held tight. “Zoe, look at me, please.”
She forced her gaze up and sniffed. “What? What can you possibly say to me that will make this any better? I don’t know why you wanted to meet in the first place.”
Unless . . . The horrible thought twisted her stomach. She’d tried not to think about it. Not to let her mind go there. Because it was incomprehensible, and every time she imagined it, she wanted to throw up. “Are you going to marry her?”
“What?” Dad pulled back his hand, his eyes wide. Like she’d asked for his permission to go off and live in a Middle Eastern war zone. Indefinitely. “Marry Alison?”
“It’s a logical conclusion to draw, don’t you think?”
“Uh. I guess.” His cheeks lost a little color as he brought his hands together, rubbed the spot on his left hand where his wedding band used to sit. “Alison is moving to California.”
His quiet words fell into her soul and she took a minute to process their meaning. Tears came again. That’s why he’d wanted to meet. It wasn’t to make things better at all.
He wanted to say good-bye.
She gauged the haunted look on his face and wondered when it became so easy to hate her father. “Awesome. When do you leave?”
Dad stared back at her for a long moment filled with awful silence. Then he shook his head. “I’m staying. In Boston.”
Relief zinged through her but she pushed it back, still too bitter. “Long-distance relationships are difficult.”
“Zoe, give me a break, huh?”
“Are you kidding me right now?” She gave a harsh laugh and shook her head. “Give you a break? I should be telling you where to go!”
“Okay.” He held up a hand and scanned the room. “I know how you feel, and believe me, I deserve it. I acted like a scum. I won’t deny it, and I wish to God I could change it, but I can’t. All I can do is try to figure out why it happened and how to move on from here.”
He scratched his jaw and hesitated. “Zo, I ended things with Alison. I’m trying to get my life back, what’s left of it. I don’t know what that looks like right now, but I know I don’t want to go on hurting you, Adam, or your mom. I don’t want to be that person.”
Zoe leaned forward and put her head in her hands. If she said one word, she’d totally lose it. So she stayed quiet, breathed deeply, and prayed. Wasn’t this what she’d been asking for all along? For things to be made right again?
“Does Mom know?” She ran a finger under her eye, lifted her shoulders, and let them drop in a long exhale.
“No.” Dad pinched the bridge of his nose and sniffed too. She could count the times she’d seen him cry on one hand. “Don’t . . . mention it to her. I’ll tell her. Look . . . I didn’t figure this out very well, Zo. And now . . . I just want to do what’s right.”
“Maybe you should have thought about ‘what’s right’ before you jumped in bed with another woman.” The words shot out before she could stop them.
Dad’s eyes flashed, but then a beleaguered smile slipped across his mouth. “You’re right. I should have, but I didn’t. And now we’re all paying the price.”
No kidding. Zoe sat silent a moment and measured her words. “If you want me to forgive you right now, I don’t think I can. And honestly? I don’t think Mom will. Ever.”
He gave a slow nod. “I know I’ve got a long road ahead to even begin to make up for what I’ve done, but I’m going to try, Zo. And I swear to you, I won’t let you down again.”
“I wish you’d never let me down at all, Dad.” Unvoiced emotion burned in her throat. “But you did. And I don’t know what to do with that or how to get over it. I just want my dad back. I want things the way they used to be, but I look at you and . . . I don’t know you anymore.” She stood and pulled on her coat. “I need to get out of here.”
“Zoe, wait!” He followed her outside, through the courtyard, and into the parking lot before she stopped walking and turned to face him, anger merging with sorrow, creating surging, stifling feelings she didn’t know what to do with.
“What?”
“All I’m asking is that you give me a chance. Let me make things right.”
She shrugged, breathed in cold air, and tried to calm her frenzied thoughts. “I need some time, okay?”
“Okay.” His eyes filled again but he moved forward. “Can I at least give my little girl a hug?”
The question hung in the frosty air.
Zoe trembled, tried to fight the longing to simply rest her head against his shoulder and have him tell her everything would work out. Just like he always had. His support and reassurance had always been the one constant in her life. But today she knew that even if he said the words, she wouldn’t believe him.
“Daddy . . .” She gave up the fight and let him hug her anyway. And all the hurt and heartbreak of the past few months poured out of her in a violent explosion of emotion she wasn’t prepared for and didn’t have a clue how to deal with.
“Baby, I’m so sorry . . . so, so sorry,” he whispered, smoothing her hair down like he used to when she was little. Then he just held her, wrapped her up tight in the safety of his embrace, and let her cry.