I’m in Whisper’s room sitting at the end of her bed, watching her concentrating on the page of her coloring book. She responds to whatever I put in front of her, but she doesn’t acknowledge me. It’s like she’s on autopilot. She’s working on the Venetian Carnival book. These men will be dressed in outrageous Venetian carnival costumes, so I want her broken mind to understand what she will be seeing.
She has decided to stay cocooned inside her mind, not speaking to Mathias or me. I can get her to walk on the treadmill, but not much else. She walks with a blank look on her face. I tried to see if she was faking it, but she appears to be lost inside her head, and Mathias and I aren’t even trying to bring her out.
She is safer in there. Cezar isn’t interested in traumatizing her any more. If anything, he’s grown almost disinterested in her, which can only mean bad things for her after the event is over. I will be putting her to sleep permanently.
With the event only a few days away, everything is running smoothly for Cezar.
I watch Whisper add blood red to the carnival costume. Her fingers are steady as she stays within the lines, separating the golden-orange part of the costume, no crayon stroke marring the other color.
Something has been bothering me with Whisper these past ten days, since she hid inside herself and I’ve had more contact with her. She’s been gone roughly four weeks from family and friends.
Something isn’t right about her, apart from the obvious.
I watch the red crayon flow onto the costume, each movement of Whisper’s fingers precise, and then it hits me, a light bulb moment.
I spear up off the bed and snatch up her personal toiletries bag, careful of the camera. I rummage through and note her tampon stash hasn’t been opened. All the other girls have had their stock replaced, even asked for more, but not Whisper.
Hell no!
I gently stay her hand on the crayon and hold up her toilet pack, silently telling her she’s due for a bathroom run. Even though she stares right through me, she understands. Mathias and I have had this unspoken agreement, making sure Whisper is well groomed, keeping her useful enough in Cezar’s eye. I’m as confused by his behavior as he probably is by mine toward Whisper. We are both doing more than Cezar asked of us.
I take a deep, worried breath and let it out slowly. If what I suspect is true...
Fuck!
I’m anxious to know the answer to the rest of my sentence, so I cup her elbow and lead her out the door, making sure she holds her toiletries, a reminder of where we are heading, while we make a quick pit stop at my room along the way.
I’ve been given a stash of pregnancy tests because of the way Cezar treats me. I haven’t used one yet, and don’t even want to think of the consequences of being impregnated by such an evil man. I’m kept on the pill, because he never uses a condom with me, but accidents can happen. Nothing is foolproof. I have to let him know when my cycle starts every month, so he knows when he can take me.
I scoop up my toilet pack, a pregnancy test always close by in case it is needed, and we make our way to the bathrooms.
The corridor has fewer sentinels gracing its cold interior, since the event begins in a few days. They are all busy organizing transportation and the many other things needed to keep it a secret from the rest of the world. I’ve done my part. The girls will be as ready as they can be.
We hit the third cubicle and I enter behind Whisper, the door closing behind me. She is already pulling her yoga pants and panties down. I stop her just before she sits, already having removed the pregnancy test from the box.
I show her the box, pointing to my eyes and then to the box’s instructions. I want her to read them, but I am unsure if she is capable of receiving this message. Whisper is staring at the directions, so I push her down onto the seat and spread her legs wide.
She starts to pee, so I put my hands between her long legs and dip the end of the stick into the flow, long enough to be sure I will get a good reading. She doesn’t seem to care what I am doing. Everything about the toilet is another autopilot motion for her. She knows the drill and wipes and gets up, pulling her clothes back up while I wait the three minutes needed.
Three long minutes.
Finally!
I’m too afraid of the result to look just yet. Taking a deep breath, I summon the courage and look at the two incriminating lines, strong and true.
I fall against the cubical wall, my hand flying to my open mouth, while Whisper is left staring at the back of the cubical door.
How?
I am pretty sure nobody has raped her in here.
But am I one-hundred percent sure?
I’m not.
I turn to Whisper, shove the test in front of her eyes, and shake her until she blinks enough for me to know she can see what I’m holding up. I thrust the box at her and point to my eyes. “Eeed.” Whisper blinks at me, confused at hearing my pathetic attempt at saying ‘read.’ She stares at my lips. I raise the test results again. “Oook!” I’m desperate for her to look at those two lines and understand me. She’s looking, but is she seeing? Is she understanding?
I place the pregnancy test back in the box, tuck it into my toilet pack, place it under my arm pit, and then I touch her belly with my open palm, moving it around and around in a clockwise motion.
“Baaaby.” I hate my voice, the destroyed sound it makes. I need to know if she already knew she was pregnant. How far along she is.
Her hand has slipped to cover my hand, and she’s mouthing baby to herself over and over.
Jesus Christ!
She had no clue.
“What. The. Fuck?”
Startled, we both bump into each in the confined space. If a person could quietly roar, Mathias just did. I didn’t even hear the main door open.
Whisper is blinking furiously, like she doesn’t know how to process what is happening. I hold my finger to her lips to shush her, while my other hand is gently massaging her belly. I need her to understand she mustn’t open her mouth in front of Mathias as the door is being shoved into my shoulder blades.
“You two out here now before another sentinel catches you both in here,” Mathias hisses at us, his voice as loud as he dares.
I shuffle Whisper about so I can get the cubical door open, and then I usher her out smack-dab into the man who heard our secret.
Whisper stares ahead, clutching her toiletry bag, while I stand before Mathias, trying to work out what my next move is. I’m fearful Cezar will find out and have her killed.
Mathias drags the both of us by the scruff of our hoodies into the farthest corner of the bathroom, which houses half a dozen toilets, showers, and basins. He puts the shower on full pelt to make some background noise.
He places his hands on his hips and looks directly at me, ignoring the lost girl beside me. “Rose, are you pregnant?”
What?
I have a split second to come up with a plan. I need to protect Whisper; she can’t take any more bad treatment. I can’t trust Mathias with the truth. He is still a sentinel.
His eyes lower to my belly. He knows who the father would be if it were true. Fuuuuck! I want to scream, but I hold in place my best poker face and calmly nod once.
He snatches my toiletries bag from me and hunts through it, yanking out the telltale box and sliding the pee stick out. He stares at the two pink condemning lines, his brow wrinkled. He looks up at me, sadness seeping across his features. He actually looks shattered for me.
And then he curses in Norwegian under his breath as he shoves it back in the box and stuffs it inside his suit jacket.
He composes himself and zips the bag up, thrusting it back at me without saying another word. He doesn’t even think of the possibility it could be Whisper who is pregnant. This gives me hope nobody has touched her in here, but a deep sadness invades me for the father of her unborn child who will never see them both alive again, who probably doesn’t even know she is pregnant. Unless she talks to me and tells me when she last had sex, I don’t know for sure how far along she is.
Whisper is getting restless next to me. I don’t know what is going on in her head, but she needs to play along if she can understand what I am doing for her. She must keep herself safe. I don’t know what Mathias is going to do with this information. Will he keep it a secret?
“Hell, Rose, I came looking for you both, because it’s my watch with Whisper. How far along are you?”
Shit, I don’t know what to say. My face stays neutral as I hold up five fingers.
“Five weeks?”
I nod.
He turns his head, rubbing a hand over his masked face. “That fucking bastard!” he mutters so quietly I can barely hear him. “Does he know?”
I shake my head.
“Of course he doesn’t. He sliced your back up. If he had known, he probably would have killed you.” He stands there silently, looking at his feet. He’s figuring out what he will do next.
“You need to go to your room now, stay out of trouble, and rest. I won’t say anything. I’ll do what I can for you in here. Go.” He gently pushes me toward the door while Whisper walks to the basin and uses it. I haven’t even had time to wash my hands, but I don’t linger.
Just as I open the door, he whispers, “I’m sorry, Rose.” That has my heart accelerating. Does that mean he will tell Cezar? Or is he truly sorry that I could be knocked up by such an evil man?
I swing the door open and leave Whisper with Mathias, hoping she keeps her mouth shut.
I swipe a tear away as the door closes behind me. I’m sorry too, I want to say. For Whisper, because she doesn’t know I’m going to be her killer.
I won’t be taking just one life. I’ll be taking two, and I’m the only one who will know.