The soles of my knee-high black leather boots crunch against the gravel, nudging me out of my daydream. I look up at my old timber-fronted family home. The truth is – no matter how much it hurts to admit it – this place holds nothing for me anymore; just painful memories, and a reminder that I’m never again going to see mama and papa’s faces smiling back at me.

The only family I have left is Mickey.

But he forgot that he was supposed to be my big brother a long time ago.

I shut my eyes for a second, steadying myself. I need to get away from this place. Move to my own apartment. Preferably a place Mickey knows nothing about. It shouldn’t be this way, but I don’t trust my own brother. What does it say about the man that I have to physically prepare myself for the possibility I might see his face?

“What happened to you, brother?” I whisper to the cold, crisp morning air. The sound dies a few feet from my mouth, followed into the beyond by a short plume of steam. What happened to the kid who never stopped smiling?

I wait, not expecting an answer, and I don’t get one. I’m procrastinating. I’m looking around for any excuse to avoid stepping foot inside the house: trying to avoid setting eyes on my brother’s face; trying to avoid the weight of his harsh words beating down on my shoulders.

I wouldn’t accept it from anyone else, but Mickey is my brother. Mickey is the head of the family. There are some traditions that are so deeply ingrained that they are hard to shake. When papa was alive, his word was law. Now that he’s not, Mickey’s is.

I glance around one last time. Empty branches, stripped bare of their burden of leaves, hang, lifeless, in the still air. Gray light filters through a low-hanging bank of clouds, casting a dull, depressing shadow on the old house. I shake my head. I need to get on with this. Wallowing in my own self-pity isn’t going to get me anywhere.

I know what I need to do. Get inside. Collect some things, and get the heck out of here. If I have to stay in a hotel for a while, then that’s fine. Anywhere will do, as long as it’s not here. The less time I spend inside – and near Mickey – the better.

The thought lingers. This doesn’t feel like home. Not anymore.

I pull my keychain from my purse. The key isn’t half an inch into the lock before the thick wooden front door pulls back, as if by magic. I glance up, heart sinking. I didn’t even get a second to compose myself.

“What are you doing here?” Mickey growls. His black, beady eyes narrow as they search my face. He looks like he’s testing me; searching for evidence I’ve betrayed him. He looks paranoid.

“I live here, Mickey,” I sigh. “Or did you forget that already?”

Mickey’s tongue shoots out to wet his lips.

“Maybe it’s time you didn’t,” my brother mutters.

Even though that’s exactly what I want, I feel a surge of rage shooting through me. Who the hell is Mickey to tell me I can’t live here? He might lead the family, but family is the operative word. Without it, this is nothing. I want to leave home on my own terms, not be slung out like an ungrateful wretch.

“And what the hell do you need all this space for?” I yell, not bothering to hide my voice. The grounds stretch on far enough that there’s no one else to hear. “Why do you need it all for your very own? Don’t be an ass, Mickey.”

I push past my brother. I feel the heat of his breath burning my skin, but I don’t glance to my right. I know better than to show even the faintest sign of weakness. Mickey is like a shark, but I grew up in a shark tank. I know how to survive the attentions of men like him; men who demand to be respected without earning a jot.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” My brother grunts. “I’m speaking to you. I’m the head of this family now, or did you –.”

I let out a bitter little laugh. “Forget? How could I, brother? After all, you pride yourself on telling me, every chance you get.”

The room fills with a sudden chill. I’m used to it. Ever since papa died, Mickey and I have been fighting a cold war with each other. A thought pops into my mind out of nowhere: a memory, really. It’s of Kieran giving his best man’s speech at Declan’s wedding, and how relaxed he was around his brother. My throat chokes up when I realize that Mickey and I will never again have a relationship like that, if we ever did.

“Say that again, Sofia,” Mickey hisses, his voice ice-cold. “I dare you.”

I take a few steps forward, towards a dark, mahogany staircase. My body is on autopilot while my brain considers its options: my options. I climb up a couple of stairs, then turn to face my brother.

“You’re playing a dangerous game, Michael,” I say, shaking my head. “You do know that, don’t you?”

Mickey glares at me. When he speaks, his old-money schooling does battle with his new-money roots, and the roots win out. “I’m not sure I have any idea what you’re talking about, sister.”

I sigh. “I think you do, Mickey. I think you’ve got a very good idea. We both know you were behind what Tony Bianchi did –.”

Mickey takes a step forward. His face is black, fists clenched. I keep going, because I know my brother. I know his bark is worse than his bite. I know he won’t hurt me. He wouldn’t go that far.

“– I just don’t know why. Have you thought this through, Mickey? Do you know what you’re doing? Because one wrong step and you’ll have started a war we just might not win.”

Mickey is breathing heavily now. He reminds me of a bull, snorting before it starts to charge. The first prickling sensations of foreboding begin to tickle me. I decide to take a different tack. There’s no getting through to Mickey, not when his back is up like this. He won’t listen to what I say. I need to calm him down.

“Do you remember when we went to the lake house, Mickey?” I say in a voice that is barely above a whisper. God, I hate it – but my voice cracks with emotion. I’ve tried so hard for so long to build a thick, armored wall around my personality. I don’t let anyone in; not even my brother.

I know that the men call me “the ice queen.” I don’t blame them. I’ve never once let my guard down in front of them. I must seem cold and unfeeling: a bitch. I tell myself it’s because I’m a woman in a man’s world, but I don’t know how true that is. Maybe the truth is it’s just a defense mechanism. Maybe I use it to hide how goddamn scared I am.

“We were what, ten?” I say, looking out through eyes that don’t see.

“I was eleven,” Mickey grunts. I think that’s a good sign – the fact he’s talking, I mean.

“Eleven then,” I smile. “That was a good summer. Mama looked so happy, do you remember that?” I whisper.

I’m not sure who I’m doing this for, not anymore. I thought it was to remind Mickey that we used to be a happy family. But now, the more I delve into the memory, I think it’s just for me. I want to have that again – a family. People around me I love, and who I know I can trust. Because all I have at the moment is distrust and fear, and I hate it.

I glance up. I realize that I was lost in my own head. I haven’t heard Mickey say anything, not for a while. I don’t like it.

“It burns you, doesn’t it, sister?” Mickey hisses at me, his voice low and sibilant.

“What does?” I ask. My stomach sinks. It feels like there’s a vice closing around it. I was so close – at least I thought I was – to breaking through Mickey’s shell. I was so close to appealing to whatever humanity he has left. But I already know from his tone that I’ve failed.

“That you weren’t born first,” my brother growls. I glance up at him, blinking back wetness from my eyes. I watch as he stares until he’s sure that I’m looking, then grabs his crotch. He thrusts it towards me in a grotesque parody of masculinity. “That you don’t have a cock between those legs.”

“What –?”

“Don’t try and deny it, Sofia,” Mickey says, taking another step toward me. “You always wanted to be in charge, didn’t you? You hated the fact that you were born second, and with tits on your chest.”

“Mickey,” I say, outraged, “I’m your sister! How can you talk about me like that? Don’t you remember –?”

Mickey laughs. The harsh sound echoes around the entrance to the house. I take a step backwards, the heel of my boot sliding up against the wooden staircase.

“Sister, brother,” Mickey growls, his voice empty of any humanity, “who gives a shit? I know you, Sofia. I know you’ll stick a blade through me if I turn my back to you.”

“Why are you saying this?” I whisper. I climb another step moving backwards. I curse myself. I should have waited until it was dark, and sneaked in to pack a bag. Or else left before Mickey was awake.

A slurping sound grows in Mickey’s mouth. He ejects a big globule of spit, and it lands on a wooden floorboard: in his own house; our house! “Don’t try and hide from the truth, sister.” He spits.

Every time he says that word – sister – I feel myself rocking back. It feels like Mickey is striking me with a physical blow; like another piece of my armor is being chipped away.

“What truth?” I whimper. I hate the weakness of my voice as it escapes my mouth, but I can’t help it. If anyone else was speaking to me in this manner, those would be the last words they’d ever speak. But, it isn’t anyone else. It’s my brother: the person who is always supposed to be on my side. “What the hell are you talking about?”

I shouldn’t have said that. I should have kept my mouth shut, nodded, and run. Mickey’s face fills with anger. I don’t understand why, and I don’t understand him. What is running through my brother’s brain? What has made him flip like this?

Kieran – why the heck am I thinking of Kieran right now – would never act like this. The Irishman, my Irishman, would never speak to me like I was a piece of dirt on the bottom of his shoe. He would never threaten me. I know that much.

Mickey strides towards me, fury thundering across his face. His cheeks flicker every time he clenches his jaw. It looks like a shadow of black clouds passing across the sky, or a pack of crows blocking out the sun.

I hold my purse out in front of me. It’s scant protection, but it’s all I have. I take a step back, and then another. I’m scared to turn and run. “Stay back!” I warn.

Mickey’s face twists with anger. “Don’t tell me what to do, sister,” he roars.

When Mickey yells “sister”, it sounds like he’s cursing my soul. He might as well be screaming: “bitch” for all the difference I can detect.

The floorboards croak and groan underneath Mickey’s weight. He charges up the staircase, and I turn and try to run, but it’s too late. I curse myself. I didn’t believe that Mickey would hurt me, but now that he’s so close, I can see the fire in his eyes.

My boots hammer the steps underneath them. One; two; three: I’m almost away when Mickey’s fingers close around my calf, dragging me as I hop clumsily away from him, back down the stairs.

“Mickey!” I yell; all fear forgotten. I’m angry with my brother now. As angry as I used to be as a kid, back in the days when we fought like a pack of wild cats. I need to be. Papa isn’t here anymore to break us up and make us shake hands with each other. “Get off me! Let me go!,” I pant, kicking my leg in my brother’s direction to shake him off.

Mickey drags me towards him. “Shut the hell up, Sofia,” he growls. His chest is heaving. He’s unfit, overweight, but still a hundred times more powerful than I am.

“Michael,” I whisper as my brother’s fingers close around my wrists. His eyes burn holes in my face. “You don’t need to act like this. I’m your sister, you’re family –.”

“Shut up!” Mickey yells. He holds my wrists tight with one hand, and slaps me on the face with the other. I rock backwards, cheek stinging. I can’t even reach up to soothe it, because my brother’s fingers are burning a red line around my wrists.

“Listen to me, Sofia,” he thunders, his lips just inches from my eyes. “Listen to every goddamn word. You never have before, but you’ll start if you want to live.”

I look up at my brother, and realize I’m afraid: very afraid. It’s not just me who needs protecting: it’s the little bundle of life I’m carrying in my stomach. Suddenly every harsh word and every scrap I’ve ever had with Mickey seems to melt away. What does any of it mean? The power, the money, the respect, the loyalty: its all for what? None of it means a damn thing if I can’t keep my baby safe. This baby, who I haven’t even had a chance to get to know; this baby, who I’m not even sure I want to keep.

“You don’t tell me I’m making the wrong decision, you understand?” Mickey spits. “You always thought you were smarter than me, huh? Well who’s smarter now, Sofia?”

“What are you going to do, Mickey?” I whisper, shrinking back from my brother’s anger.

“I’m going to do what papa should’ve done years ago,” Mickey smirks. He squeezes my wrists even tighter together. “I’m going to smash the Byrne grip over this city; and you’re going to do exactly as I tell you.”

“Mickey,” I yelp, as the pain from my brother’s grip threatens to drop me to my knees, “you don’t have to act like this. There’s another way. The Byrnes are reasonable people, I can –.”

My brother’s patience snaps. What little he has, anyway. I try to pull away, but Mickey drags me towards him. I tug my arms, trying to pull one free, trying to hold myself more upright, but it’s a losing battle.

“Mickey,” I scream, suddenly terrified. I’m still waiting for something inside my brother to remember that that’s what he is: my brother! No matter why, or how much, he hates me now: surely he must remember that?

But he doesn’t. He throws me down the stairs, and I plummet downward. I try to draw my body in, even as the solid wooden stair corners and edges strike my soft flesh. I hug my body, protecting my stomach, and not bothering to stifle the cries of pain that escape my mouth.

I come to a stop just above the bottom step, groaning and clutching my body. I barely hear the sound of thuds as Mickey strides down towards me. He crouches down beside me. Sparks of pain keep crackling across my body. I peer up at Mickey’s leering face. There isn’t a hint of concern in his eyes – just burning rage.

“Listen to me, sister,” he hisses. “You’re going to do exactly as I tell you. You’re going to keep that son of a bitch Kieran Byrne thinking you’re going to marry him. I don’t care if you have to spread your legs to do it. Do you understand?”Mickey’s forehead wrinkles. He blinks at me, and then a disbelieving grin breaks out on his face. It looks so out of place, I scarcely believe it. Mickey – my brother – must be a sociopath. I can’t explain this any other way. He just threw his only sister down a set of stairs, and barely blinked an eye.

“You actually like him, don’t you?” Mickey growls out, shaking his head. He pulls himself to his feet, looking down at me with disdain. I don’t know what he sees in my face the he can tell. If I did, I’d try to hide it. “Enjoy it while it lasts, sister. He’ll be dead soon enough.”

Mickey leaves without another word – floorboards creaking as he strides – just whistling as he disappears into the depths of the old house.

I close my eyes, cradling my stomach – my child – and draw a painful breath. I hold on to the pain: even savor it. It’s a reminder of what this is going to take. I’m going to save my baby; no matter what it costs.