As she tapped her pen on the desk and listened to the professor drone on and on about the correlation between the endocrine system and the pulmonary system, Susan wondered when she would actually find the time – and the courage – to face her father. She had to go straight to work from class, and she got off too late to go to the hospital after work. Although…
That might be the answer. Susan had a gut feeling her mother and sister wouldn’t spend the night at the hospital. They’d be gone, pampering themselves in the house and sleeping soundly while her father was likely in pain and feeling very alone. So what if it was after midnight? Being in the hospital meant you could sleep all day if you wanted. He could spend the nighttime with her, trying to make things right.
Suddenly, it sounded brilliant. And terrifying. With the rest of her family there, she had an excuse not to face the facts. She could stay away, avoid the reality of her father’s imminent death and not talk about painful things. If they weren’t around, she had to look at her father and see just how sick he really was.
She sighed, checking her watch. The class was supposed to end in ten minutes, but her professor sounded like he was just now getting to the grit of the discussion. She was exhausted, having not slept last night after Jim left, and she was ready to fall asleep at her desk. She also couldn’t be late for work and give her peers more reason to think less of her. The minute the first student stood to leave, she’d be out the door.
Luckily, it seemed her professor had previous commitments as well, and he dismissed them. She rushed out and pushed past others to get to her car and head to the station. She needed a few minutes to try to clear her head before she tried to care for anyone else.
Aside from her father’s health issues, Susan couldn’t seem to stop thinking about the previous night with Jim. She’d gone over the conversation they’d had more times than she could count before she’d finally fallen asleep last night, and she still wasn’t sure what to think. What she had determined at this point was that it had started with an argument and ended in comfort. His arms felt good around her, and his soothing words comforted her more than she could ever have imagined.
No one in her entire life had made her feel so secure, not even her parents. Especially not her parents. And she’d always been such a private person that she’d never come so close to crying in front of anyone before. Last night, she’d swallowed her tears, but the evidence of how close she came had been written on her face, even after he left. He had to have seen it.
But she wasn’t embarrassed. He hadn’t thought less of her or shut her out. He’d actually drawn her in. Something had changed last night. They’d shared painful information, personal struggles, and they’d had a moment. Susan felt they had gone beyond just a sexual relationship last night. Talking and having emotional outbursts drew them out of the category of friends with benefits and deeper, into something far closer to true intimacy.
Now she groaned. She’d been the one to admit she had feelings for him. The night before, she’d told herself that she’d just been speaking out of fear and duress, but today, she knew better—her admission had been real. She was starting to care for Jim, even though she still knew practically nothing about him.
Susan could count on one hand the things she knew. He was a hard-ass on a motorcycle who was fiercely loyal to all his hard-ass friends on motorcycles. He was still messed up emotionally from losing his wife so violently and suddenly, and it affected the way he acted toward others. He played hard and fast because he was full of passion in many areas of his life. And he was also tender and warm, and he needed the same in return from someone in his life who cared about him.
When did I decide to be that person? She scowled. Maybe it was her need to save people. That’s why she’d become a paramedic and why she wanted to be a surgeon. Was she taking Jim on as a project, something to be healed or fixed? It was possible, but it didn’t feel that way. It felt real, more so than anything she’d ever felt toward a man.
The question was, would this develop into something more? That depended on Jim. He seemed to be capable of emotions, and if he had been loyal to his club for as long as he said, he didn’t particularly have commitment issues. And if Susan really wanted to read into things, she would think that last night was a sign he returned her feelings.
Don’t be stupid, she chastised herself. Just because some misguided part of her wanted it to be true didn’t mean it was. She parked the car at the station and grabbed her gym bag. She typically preferred to shower at home in the mornings, but she hadn’t had time today and really didn’t want to be alone.
Eric was in the kitchen, stirring up some microwaved leftovers. “Hey Susan!” he called as she walked past.
She waved back. “Hey, partner. I’ll be out in a flash.” She disappeared behind the walls of the women’s locker room and started to strip as she threw down the bag in front of one of the shower stalls. One good thing about showering here was the instant hot water. In her apartment, there were times she waited five minutes to get it heated properly. She didn’t revel in the massage of the rough spray today, hurrying to get clean and get out. Today was a day to stay busy and keep her internal musings at bay.
She donned her uniform quickly, combed out her hair, and pulled it back, still wet, into a ponytail. She wasn’t in the mood to deal with it. She squared her shoulders and faced her reflection. “You are a strong woman, and you can handle anything this world throws at you.” Her reflection stared back at her. Yeah, right. But she was determined, and she threw the gym bag in her locker and strode out into the crowd of firemen and EMTs as if she had every ounce of confidence in the world.
Maybe if she played that part for the next ten hours or so, she’d still feel self-assured when she made it to her father’s hospital room.