Dez

 

It was as though I was standing in the silent aftermath of the apocalypse. Only gray ash, a pressing sense of unbearable loneliness and nothing to look forward to.

There had been so much fury in Soraya’s face. Deep in her eyes, though, I’d seen the hurt and betrayal. The sparks of hatred and pain. I almost wished she’d stayed if only to hit me again or yell at me. For the subsequent icy chill that descended when she’d left was far worse. I’d rather be scorched by her than shut out.

I should have gone after her, I thought numbly as I heard a door open and slam shut.

Andrei reappeared, shaking snow out of his hair and he gave me one look. Turning, he grabbed a bag and heaved it onto the table, digging through it. Pulling out a heavy bottle of clear liquid, he gestured me over with his head. Somehow, I managed to use my legs and walk over.

“Here,” he said, shoving a small metal cup at me and I took it, drinking it. The liquid burned and seemed to jolt my heart as it hit my throat. Andrei watched as I coughed. “I did not realize.”

“Huh?” I gasped out.

“How serious it was,” Andrei commented. “How you’ve done the impossible.”

I looked at Andrei and wondered if he’d hit his head on the way in. “In English?” I asked.

“Her. You,” he said unhelpfully. “She has it very, very bad, that’s why she ran. Soraya Lafi, she can handle just about anything. Do anything. Needs no one.” He surveyed me. “Except you.”

If Andrei had reached into my chest and crushed my heart in his bare hand, it would have been infinitely better than those words he’d casually tossed at me in Russian-accented English.

For a moment, I glanced around and wondered how I’d gotten here. Standing with a Russian Shifter of Anubis, a secret Order protecting the hidden world of shifters. And I was a vigilante helping him, going by the moniker King. Who’d managed to hurt a beautiful girl with lies and games.

“Life is a real kick in the balls, sometimes, eh?” Andrei said eloquently.

“You’re not helping,” I muttered, putting down the cup and walking away. I suddenly wished Balt was here. Even though he’d only ever had eyes for one girl, he still knew a thing or two.

Although, if he was here, he might have been beating my ass to a pulp for what I’d been up to the last few months and hurting Soraya.

“Soraya runs when she can’t handle something. Whether physically or emotionally, she does.” Andrei said, coming over and sitting down on the floor. “I was a rookie with her during her first year and my final year. She was considering becoming a spy and that’s tough training – additional work on top of everything else.” He paused. “All of your weaknesses and flaws are exposed in the Order. So, I can tell you this much, Soraya hates not being in control or the strongest one in the room. The dependable one. And she hates feeling like she needs people.”

“She has a family, though. She needs them,” I said, sitting down next to him. I was curious to hear more. These were the things I’d picked up on with Soraya and it was odd to hear them voiced aloud. “Or does she love them so fiercely she has boxed herself into a place where she only focuses on protecting them?”

“That’s exactly it,” Andrei said. “You understand her. You know why she ran.”

“Because she hates me,” I said miserably, hanging my head in my hands.

“Dez,” Andrei said in a patient, humoring voice. “No. You and I both know it’s the opposite.”

 

For the first time in a long time, I did something I rarely ever did.

I canceled class.

I couldn’t teach in this state. Worrying about Soraya and our plans for the following week. Plus, I knew she wouldn’t show up and that empty seat would have killed me.

Unable to get anything done, I’d taken to pacing around the living room and now flung myself onto the couch. It was mid-afternoon and the sky was a pearly-gray, with streaks of blue showing up now and again. Cold and grim like the state of my life.

Andrei had advised me to wait. She will come to you, trust me. But maybe don’t let your guard down, eh? She’ll probably take a couple swings at you.

Part of me kept expecting to hear a knock on the door or for the door to be kicked down, but neither happened. And an hour later, I couldn’t take it anymore.

I was heading across town before I realized what I was doing, buzzing her apartment and staring up at it, willing her to answer. She didn’t and I took desperate measures, climbing to the roof and peering in.

It was empty.

With a sigh, I stared around the city. She must have been out walking.

Glancing at my watch, I knew I had about two hours before I had to get back and meet Andrei. Back on the sidewalk, I began to walk, making my way down the slick sidewalks and listening to the ice crunching underfoot.

First, I scoured her neighborhood, passing by the quaint apartment buildings and cozy houses of Brookline, then I headed towards the Charles River.

The paths along the river, winding through trees and little fields, were usually full of joggers, bikers, and residents. It was a nice place and usually had dedicated visitors even in the winter, with the city tucked comfortably away. But the sky had grown darker and snow was swirling down, stinging my face. The wide river was a steel-gray color and the wind whipped it up into a frenzy of little whitecaps.

No one was here.

I was just about to give up and turn back when I saw a figure in the distance. My heart gave a throb. It was Soraya, bundled up, her head tucked down and her arms wrapped around herself.

She didn’t hear me until I got closer and then her entire body seemed to snap like a rubber band, yanking away from me. She radiated so much fury, I expected the snow to melt around her.

“Take a hint, Dez,” she said acidly. “I don’t want to see you.”

To my surprise, a jolt of anger went through my chest. “That’s too bad.” She went to walk past me, but I caught her arms and swung her around. “Soraya,” I started to say.

“No!” She wrenched herself free of my grip and clenched her fists at her sides. “Do you honestly think I could ever look at you the same way again, Dez?”

I recoiled. “You won’t even let me explain?”

“What is there to explain?” Soraya asked, letting out a bitter laugh. “You lied to me. Have been lying to me for months. Tell me, Dez, was it a thrill to screw with me like that? Pretending to be a good and sweet professor during the day and a brooding vigilante at night?”

“I hated it,” I said, with a lot more dispassion than I felt.

“You flirted with me and used me!” Soraya hissed and I grit my teeth. She’s saying this to upset me. “Is that why you stopped just short of sleeping with me? Too much to stomach?”

“Of course not,” I said, a tendril of panic unfurling in my gut. Soraya was in the grip of some deep and personal hell, sinking fast. “You’re twisting it all around. I care about you–”

“If you cared about me, you would have never kept up this stupid game!” she snarled.

The wind was picking up and I could see Soraya was shivering. “Why don’t we go inside and talk about this like adults?” I suggested. “You’re cold.”

“I don’t care,” she said. “And adults, oh don't make me laugh, Dez. I can’t believe I fell for your Mr. Charming ploy. Oh, I’m so kind and compassionate.” She snorted. “You’re like every other guy out there. Scum into playing mind games.”

“Hey!” I snapped, my temper boiling over. “That isn’t true or fair, Soraya. There are things you’re not telling me, either. And am I throwing that in your face? No.” I paused and took a deep breath. “Now, I’m sorry I hurt you, you can’t imagine how much. But it was never intentional.”

“Oh, so it just sort of happened?” She sneered.

“Yes!” I roared. “I kept everyone away so this exact situation would not happen – hurting someone I care about! You think this shit has been easy? I’ve been trying to keep my distance from you, but it’s impossible. However, I’m not sorry for that. Not at all.”

“Oh, my bad,” she said sarcastically.

“Don’t do that, Soraya,” I said, shaking my head. “Not when you know as well as I do.”

"Know what?" Soraya asked. Her cheeks were a ruddy kind of pink.

“You became my weakness,” I replied in a low voice.

Soraya’s lips parted and her eyes became as fragile as glass.

“Good for you,” she suddenly snapped and took several steps back. It took all of my willpower not to grab her and crush her to my chest. “Let me know how that works out for you.”

“It’s the same for you, too,” I said and her eyes flashed.

“Please, I don’t have any weaknesses,” she scoffed.

“That’s why you’re running,” I said, staring her down and Soraya took another step back. “It’s why you have to stay away and keep your anger stoked high. Spin yourself a story.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she snapped and stalked away. “But stay away from me. I don’t care what the hell you’re doing – do whatever you want, Dez. I’ll be gone soon.”

“You can’t run from this forever, you know,” I said. “And whatever happens – take care of yourself. Know that I am truly sorry and I cared deeply for you, Soraya.”

Some of the hard lines of her silhouette slumped and she glanced back at me. For a second, I saw the wavering in her eyes and I thought she was going to come running.

But like last night, she turned and walked away.

I let her go.

I was hoping if anything happened to me, her anger would save her from the brunt of that pain. I wasn’t sure what to do anymore. I didn’t want her in pain because of me.

I’ll have to stay away.

That’s why I hadn’t listened to Andrei. I wanted to keep Soraya away until after this mess had finished up. And then she could pick up the pieces and move on with her life.

I closed my eyes. I don’t care what happens to me as long as she’s okay.