CHAPTER 15
He shouldn’t do this. It was dangerous. Not for her, but for him. He shouldn’t trust her. She was human.
But she was Aiko.
And she needed to know.
For the first time in his life, Esher needed to tell someone about his past, needed to lower that barrier and let someone step through it. It was vital. That feeling rang deep in his bones, vibrated in his soul, sang in his heart. Telling Aiko, revealing the darker part of himself, was vital, and it had to be now, before things went any further between them.
Because if she found out later, when he was so lost in her, so in love with her that he couldn’t live without her, and she left him.
It didn’t bear thinking about.
The whole world would know his wrath.
Esher stared down into her warm brown eyes, aware that his still held a hint of crimson and that she had caught a glimpse of that side of himself he fought to keep under control. It had been but a shadow of his other self, provoked by the thought of her in danger, born of a need to protect her, but she had witnessed it.
She had watched him kill that daemon, drawing out his death and making him suffer, giving the wretch what he had deserved.
There had been no condemnation in her eyes though, no trace of horror or disgust as he had made the daemon bleed.
He wasn’t fool enough to believe that meant she wouldn’t run when she knew the truth about him though.
He broke away from her, needing some space and room to breathe, to gather his thoughts so he could figure out where to start. The beginning sounded good, but that came with its own perils.
Like revealing his age to her.
She knew he was a god, had probably had contact with other creatures she believed were spirits, and she had never shied away from him because of it. She didn’t seem to care that there was a possibility he was thousands of years older than her. He clung to that as he sank onto his backside on one of the stools and dragged his left hand down his face, his nerves threatening to get out of control. He drew down a deep breath, and then another, and focused on each one to calm himself.
Aiko crossed the short span of floor to him, but rather than stop in front of him, she filled one of the scoops with water, and wetted a cloth, and moved around behind him. He kept still as she dabbed at his back with the damp cloth, absorbed her gentle touch and the care behind it as she worked to clean him. The wounds stung, but the pain was lost on him as he focused on her and on his past.
“I never used to be like this,” he murmured, and cleared his throat when his voice sounded raw, fragile.
He didn’t want to remember, but it was necessary. Aiko would keep him calm. He wouldn’t hurt her. He stared at the showers, watching the water running as she carefully cleaned his back, tending to his wounds. The droplets danced, and he played with them, needing to keep his mind occupied as he let it all spill out.
He kept part of his focus on Aiko though, monitoring her because he needed to know if anything he told her frightened her, or pushed her away. He needed to feel her every reaction to what he was going to tell her.
“Six centuries ago, my father, Hades, sent me on a mission to the mortal realm to meet a demigod and bring him to the Underworld through one of the gates.” Esher stared blankly as the water danced in front of him, and Aiko remained calm behind him, not at all affected by the fact he had just admitted to being older than six hundred years. “At the time, neither myself nor my brothers could pass through the gates with our powers, because it was safer that no god had power in the mortal realm as they carried in the Underworld.”
“The Underworld is like Hell?” She peered over his shoulder, and he glanced at her. The scarlet was emerging in his eyes again, but she didn’t seem bothered by it. She was wholly concerned with him, her rich brown eyes echoing her worry.
He nodded, but then shrugged. “Not Hell like you think it. It’s a beautiful place. Every soul goes there, good or bad, and they all live in different realms, some nicer than others.”
She seemed relieved to hear that, and went back to washing his shoulders, working her way down to his arms.
He tensed when she reached his left wrist and the scars that ringed it, and she knelt and looked up at him, her hand lingering on his forearm.
Esher swallowed hard, fought for breath, for his voice, and the will to hold back the tide of pain beginning to surge inside him, one that felt as if it was ripping his every molecule apart.
He lifted his eyes to hers and tried to lose himself in them, but the pain grew fiercer. “I was friends with the demigod. I had known him for more than a century, and he worked for my father, so we often spent time together. He wanted to stay a little longer in the mortal realm, and I was young and foolish enough to agree. I didn’t think anything could go wrong.”
“But it did,” she gently prompted as his throat closed and he nodded tightly as memories of that night assaulted him, flickering over the present to brand him with a vision of bloodshed.
“We were attacked near a village, when we were heading to the gate. Humans had seen my friend use powers, only telekinesis… but it had been foolish of him. Humans fear that which they don’t understand, and that which is stronger than they are.” He spat those words before he could stop himself, anger curling through his veins, heating his blood, and waited for Aiko to look at him differently, but she remained placid and calm, her eyes filled with understanding and not disgust. He looked away from her, back to the water as it drummed on the tray of the shower, focusing on affecting it to stop his mood from affecting the weather.
Because he was liable to cause a storm that could easily wipe out half of Tokyo.
“With my powers bound, I wasn’t strong enough to fight a mob. There were at least forty of them, armed with farm tools and some with swords. My friend, he tried to fight, and they hurt him, and I couldn’t do anything.” His throat closed again, so he cleared it, wanting to hide the depth of his pain from Aiko even when she could sense it in him. Gods, he wanted to look strong in her eyes, not weak, not like this. He didn’t want her to think that he was weak. He gripped his bare knees. “When I came around, we were bound, and the humans were angry, vicious as they called us daemons, said we were devils and had to die.”
“Esher,” Aiko started, but he shook his head, telling her not to speak yet.
He needed to get it all out, as quickly as possible now, because the storm was building inside him, threatening to tear him apart.
“They kept yelling it as they tortured him, held my head up and made me watch as they attacked him with pitchforks and daggers, made him bleed and then left him in agony, slumped against the post they had bound him to opposite me.” He gritted his teeth and growled. “I tried to get free. I tried… but I wasn’t strong enough. Gods, I thought I would die there.”
He looked at her, meant only to glance at her but lingered when the pain in her eyes, the worry wrapped around him, telling him that she cared for him, that she hated that he had suffered like that.
It had been agony. Not having his powers when he had grown used to them, when they had always been there when he had needed them. He had been weak without them, practically mortal, and gods, he had hated it. He wasn’t like them. He wasn’t human. He was a god.
But he had been a powerless one.
“It went on for weeks…” His voice hitched, and he released his knees, and curled his fingers into tight fists. “I kept trying to get free, but whenever I tried, they turned their wrath on me, cut and stabbed me, made me bleed. I tried to use my powers, but nothing happened. I couldn’t stop them.”
“How did you hold on?” Aiko’s soft voice offered comfort even as it cut him.
He looked down into her eyes. “I thought of my family… and that they would come for me… they would find me… and that I had to survive so I could protect them and keep them all safe from harm, from suffering as I had. I had faith in them, and it kept me going, kept me hanging by a thread as the wretched humans murdered my friend… as my own life slipped away, my body battered… mind destroyed… fractured.”
Fractured.
Split in two.
The male he had once been, and the monster he had become.
A monster who awakened whenever his family were in danger, because he had focused on them in that black time, using them to keep his will to live going, enduring the pain and torture so he could be with those he loved again, vowing over and over again that he would survive so he could protect them.
“But they found you?” Aiko rose on her knees and gently cupped his cheeks, keeping his eyes on her.
He was sure they were all crimson now, no trace of blue left in them, because he could feel his other side, feel it writhing and whispering to him, telling him to repay the humans in kind and make them bleed, make them suffer, make their loved ones howl in agony.
“Father was distraught,” he murmured, trying to shut down the pain that blazed in his heart before it raged out of control. He couldn’t hurt Aiko. He wouldn’t risk it. He was stronger than that darker part of himself. He wouldn’t lose control. Not while she was holding him like this anyway, her palms soft against his face, keeping him grounded and with her. “He couldn’t find me since my powers were bound and I was practically mortal, so he asked the oracles and then begged Helios to aid him, just as he had aided Demeter in her search for Persephone.”
“Helios found you?”
He nodded. “Father was preparing to leave the Underworld to free me when the lunar perigee hit.”
Her brow crinkled.
“When our moon is closest to Earth… it affects me because of my power. Water. The perigee caused a surge in my powers, enough that they broke whatever restraint the gate had placed on me.” He looked away from her, not sure he wanted to see her face when he admitted what he had done. “I destroyed everyone at the village… daubed their blood on my face and went on a rampage across the land, devastating everything with storms. Father found me as the moon waned, and it took all of his strength to subdue me and convince me to return to the Underworld.”
Because he had wanted to continue his rampage until there wasn’t a single mortal left in the world.
He sucked down a slow, deep breath, and closed his eyes, and then forced them open again, because he needed to see her reaction to what he was about to say.
“When the perigee hits, I’m a danger to everyone. My brothers lock me away. When the moon is full, I’m dangerous, and I have to remain within the mansion grounds. If I see my family in danger… those I love… then I’m dangerous.” He paused when her eyes widened slightly, and he saw she knew the part of him that he had wanted to hide from her a little longer—the part that was falling in love with her. “I’m dangerous, Aiko. I’m fractured. There’s… a side of me… I never want you to see.”
“But I saw it—”
“No,” he cut her off. “You haven’t seen it, and you never will, not if I have a say in it… but I don’t… I… sometimes I can’t hold it back.”
He grabbed her arms, and she tensed and gasped.
“There’s a side of me, and sometimes I can’t stop it… and if I ever change around you… run. As fast as you can, as far as you can. Just run and don’t look back… because I don’t want to hurt you, and I’m afraid I might.”
She paled, but then rallied, brushed her thumbs across his cheeks and calmly held his gaze as she nodded.
Relief poured through him.
“Do you hate humans?” she murmured.
“Yes… no… not all of the time.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Sometimes. A lot of the time. I can’t forgive them.”
“I understand.” She truly did, he could read that in her eyes, feel it in her as she continued to hold his face, her touch offering comfort. She cared for people, strangers, cried over them when they were hurt, and wanted to help them all.
He had witnessed that tonight. She had love inside her, love so deep that she had enough for everyone. He only had enough for a few, wasn’t sure anyone else deserved his compassion or a single shred of affection from him.
She had wept for the dead, had hurt herself by struggling to help them, causing herself emotional pain, but she had done it anyway. She had looked so fragile, so small as she had moved from person to person, battling on, helping as many as she could. She had been so brave. Her strength had amazed him. He would have left them to die, but she had done all she could for them, and would have done more if he hadn’t forced her to leave with him.
She was stronger than he had thought.
His beautiful butterfly.
He cupped the nape of her neck, drew her to him as he frowned, and pressed his forehead against hers, a maelstrom of emotions ripping at him, everything from love to rage, from light to darkest black.
Gods, he prayed that if she ever witnessed his other side, she would understand, and wouldn’t fear him.
Wouldn’t leave him.
Because he wasn’t sure he could live without her.
She was light in his dark existence, gave him warmth when he was cold, soothed him when he raged and gave him strength when he was weak.
“I never realised humans could be like you,” he husked, holding her to him, needing to feel her pressed against him. “You give me strength, Aiko… faith, and some belief that I am doing the right thing by protecting the gates between our worlds, and the humans.”
She smiled softly, tipped her chin up and swept her lips across his, and he tugged her to him and seized her mouth, needed her kiss more than air, more than anything. She didn’t fight him. She melted in his arms, even though he was rough with her, was sure he was hurting her. When he had tasted his fill, he convinced himself to release her, and gods, it was a struggle.
She rewarded it by rising onto her feet, taking hold of his hand and bringing him onto his. She led him to the pool, and he stepped down into it, sank under the hot water and let it wash over him, his closeness to his element smoothing the edges off his mood even as it stung the cuts on his body and the back of his head.
He floated in the pool, anxiously listening to Aiko as she washed herself, waiting for her to join him as he studied the faint stars that were giving way to morning as the sun edged towards breaking the horizon.
Tokyo would be safe for tonight, the daemons not strong enough to withstand the sunlight.
He breathed a sigh of relief.
The sound of water rippling had him moving onto his knees and he froze as Aiko stepped down into the pool.
Naked.
He swallowed hard at the sight of her petite curves bared to him, and she looked down, a blush scalding her cheeks that had nothing to do with the temperature of the water as she sank into it, using it to cover herself.
His heart pounded, the thought that she trusted him after everything he had told her, was willing to take this next step with him enough to have a shot of adrenaline bursting through his veins.
He wasn’t sure where to look.
He wanted to stare at her, drink his fill of her and make her stand so he could see her clearly, but he didn’t want her to feel awkward, embarrassed by being naked around him for the first time.
He settled for kicking off and drifting to her side of the pool, and resting beside her on the raised stone that acted like a seat. She glanced across at him, a shimmer of heat in her dark eyes, need that called to him and stoked his own.
It had been a long time, a very long time, since he had been with someone, and then he had only taken things all the way a few times. After what had happened to him six hundred years ago, he had avoided intimacy, partly because he found it hard to trust himself and partly because he feared letting anyone into his heart, afraid of adding another to the small list of those he cared deeply about and was liable to lose control over if they were injured.
But Aiko was already beyond the barrier, held close to his heart, far closer than anyone.
And he would never hurt her.
“Esher?” she whispered, her eyes shifting to the zen garden and then the sky. “What’s Tycho?”
He frowned. Daimon must have used it around her, but he didn’t remember it. Had he been that far gone?
Perhaps she had seen more than a glimpse of his other side after all.
“It’s the opposite of a trigger word. It calms me, helps draw me back and give me control again.” He sank back against the smooth stone of the bath, leaning his head on the walkway behind him, and stared at the fading stars. “I need you to remember it. It’s important, Aiko. If you ever fear me, if I look like I’m… say it to me.”
He had never thought he would be handing out a safe word to anyone outside of his family, let alone giving it to a human to use on him, but he needed her to have it. He needed her to have some power over him, because he needed to boost his faith that he wouldn’t hurt her.
“What does it mean?” She moved in the water, and when her arm brushed his, he realised she had been shuffling closer.
Her thigh pressed against his and he couldn’t stop himself from lowering his gaze to her legs, and that enticing patch of dark at their apex.
His mouth dried out.
His cock stirred.
He took one of the squares of white cloth from the side behind him and placed it over his groin. It hid nothing from her, only ended up making her look down to see what he was doing, and the pink hue that washed over her cheeks and the flicker of hunger that filled her eyes was enough to have him remembering the way her mouth had felt on his cock, which had it growing as hard as stone.
“Tycho?” He forced the word out, his voice tight, and tried to focus on anything other than the visions of him dragging her onto his lap and seating himself inside her, a fantasy that built in his head as he struggled to talk. “It’s the brightest crater on the moon.”
He looked for it but couldn’t see the damned thing now that he needed something to get her eyes off his aching length.
He caught her cheek instead, his hand dripping water all down her, and brought her face up so her eyes met his. The water rolled down her chest, to the swell of her breasts, and he struggled not to look at them, painfully aware he could see her nipples clearly just below the surface.
“Father gave the word to me, because he wanted me to see and remember that even in the darkest times, light can still shine through.” Relief went through him when that had her focus settling firmly on his face and his words, not his body. “Tycho is that light to me, because I have such a strong connection to the moon, and I’ve spent centuries reinforcing my bond with it, and that crater, making the power the word has over me stronger. It still only works when I’m partly conscious, when the other me isn’t fully in control.”
Which was the reason Daimon apparently hadn’t bothered to spring it on him when the wraith had injured him.
Esher couldn’t remember much about it, because his other side had been firmly in control. He only knew he had lashed out at his brothers and threatened their females.
Gods, if he had wanted to hurt them, could he honestly say he wouldn’t hurt Aiko if his other side seized control?
He shook that thought away, because contemplating it would only allow fear to take root and shake his faith that he would never hurt her.
“Tycho?” she murmured the word, and he instantly felt calmer, the way she said it more soothing to him than when Daimon uttered it. “I will use it if I have to.”
But she didn’t want to.
“It doesn’t hurt me.” He needed her to know that. “It just… calms me.”
She half-smiled and moved onto her knees beside him, so her breasts crested out of the water and he had a damned hard time not looking at them.
“Tycho.” She leaned towards him, pressed her right hand to his chest and scalded him, branding him with her touch as she brought her mouth close to his.
“That is not going to calm me. Just inflame me.” He snaked his arm around her waist and hauled her onto his lap as his other hand seized the back of her neck, tangling in her wet black hair.
He meant to kiss her, but as he looked at her, all clean now, the dirt of the blast scrubbed from her pale skin, he froze and another need overcame him.
He crushed her against him, trembling with the force of it as he held her, clutching her nape and squeezing her tightly.
She was fine.
Rather than trying to break free of him, she leaned into him, wrapped her arms around his neck and held him.
Just held him.
It hit him that she needed comfort too, that he wasn’t the only one who had been rattled tonight and she was struggling to cope with the things she had seen—things she had probably never witnessed before.
Minutes ticked past and neither of them moved. He absorbed the comfort she gave him, memorised the way she held him and how he could feel her love in that embrace, how much she cared about him. How much she wanted to help him.
How much she wanted to be with him.
Finally, as the sun broke the horizon, he convinced his grip on her to ease. She drew back, her brown eyes warm and bright, a mixture of love and passion shining in them as she gazed into his, the negative emotions he had felt in her gone now, erased by him holding her, giving her the comfort she needed.
He lowered his eyes to her lips, his pulse picking up pace as he stared at their soft curves and felt her body beneath his hands, pressed against him.
He could feel her nerves as she trembled slightly in his embrace, could sense her desire as her breath came in shorter, sharper bursts, and her hands settled against his shoulders, and need built in her dark gaze.
Need he was going to satisfy for both of them.