Chapter Six

Jud adored Ashley. He liked her smiles, her laughter, her eager curiosity. And he loved watching someone get the best of serious, stern-faced Blake, especially now that his friend's scowls seemed more and more rare.

He enjoyed damn near everything about the newest addition to their pack.

Damn near.

The familiar nightmare drove him out of bed just after dawn. His skin itched with the need to shift, to run, but he couldn't. Not today, when Blake might already be gone—and returning all too soon with potential enemies.

Instead, he retreated downstairs to the sadly neglected gym in the lodge's basement. In the early days, they'd spent plenty of time here training. Not to win fights, but to learn how to win them carefully. It took precision and control to take down a human opponent without ripping pieces off him, and they had all needed practice in holding their tempers and pulling their punches.

Not anymore. The fights were few these days, more about relieving tension than money, and a windowless concrete room couldn't tempt them for casual exercise when the woods beckoned. It had been weeks since Jud had set foot across the threshold, and even longer since he'd spent any considerable amount of time working out his frustrations on the heavy bag.

Don't leave, not like this.

Memories of Ellie drove him forward. He'd buried them deep in his subconscious and, for the last few years, they'd stayed hidden. Weeks had gone by without regrets intruding. Months, sometimes. He'd started to believe his own easy smiles and charming deflection.

Stupid. Never fall for your own con.

He ignored the weights and the punching bags and went straight to the chin-up bar. Mindless, repetitive exertion wasn't a cure, but it helped sometimes.

Okay, fine. If you've gotta go, take me with you.

He'd started to dream about her the second night after Ashley's arrival. Nightmares, really, twisted with memories and guilt and secret fears he'd never allowed himself to consider, because he needed to believe he'd made the right choice. That he'd been good.

And maybe he had. That was the hell of it.

Watching Blake with Ashley had ground home a harsh truth, one Jud should have learned after a decade of gleeful thieving. Sometimes the right choice was really the safe choice. And sometimes being good meant risking yourself for someone else.

Jud had no doubts about how far Blake would go to spare Ashley the slightest hurt. He'd sacrifice himself, his safety, his peace of mind. Maybe even his pack. He would shoulder the censure of his closest friends and every last member of his species.

What happens to me after you split?

For Ellie, all Jud would have had to risk was a little temptation, and he hadn't been able to do it. A big, tough wolf...scared off by a desperate girl with a crush.

He was a fucking joke. The kind that wasn't funny.

"Jud?"

A joke haunted by the voice of a girl who didn't even exist anymore.

The door to the gym slammed. "Are you busy?"

Jud froze, mid pull-up, and looked over. Ashley stood there, leaning against the door, watching him.

Shit.

His muscles burned with the effort of lowering himself slowly to the floor. "Sorry. I didn't hear you come in."

"It's okay." She smiled gently, just one corner of her mouth tilting up. "You must have been in another world."

"The past, maybe." He crossed to the shelf full of neatly folded towels—Blake's doing, because he kept things orderly even when no one was using the damn room—grabbed one, and wiped his face. "Did you need something, darling?"

"Just to talk. When you have a minute," she added quickly. "It's not vital, or anything. No big deal."

She was nervous, her words all but tripping over one another, so Jud exhaled slowly and did his best to lock down his own inner turmoil. "I have a minute. I've got all the minutes you want."

She mirrored him, taking a deep breath of her own, her chest rising and falling as she nodded slowly. "Blake said—I mean, he thought it might be good for us to discuss some things."

Goddamn it, Blake. This was a good reminder. Yeah, Blake might do whatever it took to give Ashley what she needed, but he wasn't perfect, either.

He could make mistakes.

Jud looped the towel over his neck and gripped the ends to keep from reaching for her. She was still too skittish—here by choice, maybe, but uncertain and maybe even unhappy about it. "Let me guess. He wants you to cuddle up to me and see if that makes your wolf purr."

Ashley arched one eyebrow. "I'm not here to do what Blake wants. I'm here because he said something that I'm starting to think is true."

"And what's that?"

She took a single step forward, sliding both hands into her back pockets. "You've been holding back. To be honest, I can't tell if you want me or not. My wolf can't tell. And I think maybe that's a problem."

What happens to me after you split?

He gripped the towel harder, and admitted the cowardly truth—he wasn't protecting Ashley right now, but himself. "It's more complicated than just wanting you, honey. Of course I want you."

"It would be okay if you didn't," she whispered. "Mac doesn't. I mean, he does, but he doesn't want a mate."

An escape from his trap presented itself, and he snatched at it without the slightest bit of guilt, only a silent apology to Mac for throwing him under the bus. "Has anyone told you why?"

She blinked. "I didn't think he needed a reason."

"Mating is a pretty strong drive, honey. Wouldn't you need a reason not to give in?"

"I don't know." Ashley shrugged helplessly. "If something doesn't feel right, that's not anyone's fault. It just is."

Jud tossed aside the towel and reached for her. He settled one hand at the small of her back and led her to the benches along one wall. She felt right—sweet and strong, tough and eager. She still whispered to him as compellingly as she had the first time he'd laid hands on her, tempting him with the pleasure to be found in exploring her submission. In all the ways she'd force him to earn it.

He was holding back, but not because it felt wrong, and not out of fear. Not like Mac. "We found another girl before you. Her name was Serena."

"Was?" she echoed, her hand trembling in his.

The story was still painful for all of them. It was no wonder no one had mentioned it to Ashley, even now, when there was no danger of her following Serena's path.

He wrapped his arm around her and tucked her close against his side. "She'd been hurt. She didn't tell us how much, and we didn't understand, not at first..." He closed his eyes, but that only made it easier for the heartbreaking memories to resurface. "She went through her first heat locked in a room. Like you were, only someone was keeping her there on purpose. For weeks, she just...needed. Alone."

Ashley's brow furrowed, and she shook her head. "That's horrible. How could someone survive that?"

They couldn't—not intact. But that had been the half-baked plan, from what Jud had gathered before killing the wolf who kept Serena imprisoned. To wear her down, to make her so desperate she would eventually accept him as a mate.

Instead, she'd shattered into a hundred deadly pieces. "She didn't, in the end. She was...fuck. She was broken. Feral. She almost killed Connor more than once, and tried to kill herself every time she got free."

"What—" A shudder broke through the words, and Ashley wrapped her arms around herself. "What happened to her?"

"She begged for peace. And Mac..." He had been the only one willing to give it to her. It should have been Lucas or Blake, but Mac was the one who recognized her pain and her fear. He was the one who'd already been forced to contemplate that terrible choice every time Connor started to fracture.

"Oh. Oh God." Ashley stood abruptly, clutching her stomach, pain vibrating off her in waves. "Oh my God, poor Mac."

Jud snagged her around the waist and pulled her down, across his lap this time. "I know."

"No one should have to do that, Jud. It isn't fair, and it's not right."

"I know," he said again, burying his face in her hair. Serena's screams had given him a different sort of nightmare. All the failure of not helping her twisted with the guilt of wondering what had happened to Ellie. The first girl he hadn't saved. "What happened to Serena wasn't fair. What happened to you and Connor wasn't, either. The fact that we're dying out and turning into...this. It isn't fair."

"Mac makes a lot more sense to me now." She sniffled, and when she looked at Jud, her eyes were wet and bright. "Thank you for telling me."

Her tears shredded at him. "Mac still worries about Connor, and we worry about them both. But Blake..." He cupped her cheek. "When he found you, maybe it made him think about Serena and how scared she was. He would carve his heart out of his chest and set it on fire before he trapped you."

"Yes." She sounded absolutely certain. "He's afraid of it."

"Because he doesn't see, darling."

"Maybe." She wiped her eyes and tried for a smile. "You've told me about Mac's pain. What about yours?"

He hesitated. Remembered another pair of big brown eyes, another shaky smile. "I didn't see, either."

It was her turn to touch his face. Her smile vanished as she stroked his cheek, his jaw, and slipped her fingers through his beard. "Who was she?"

Someone who had come into his life at the wrong time. Ellie was too smart, too sweet—and too young. He'd promised himself he would go back for her when she was old enough to be sure, to choose him out of something other than infatuation and desperation.

He'd gone back. Too late. "It doesn't matter," he said, closing his eyes again. "For all I know, she's happily mated."

Ashley let him have the lie. She wrapped her arms around him and pressed her lips to his temple with a soft noise of comfort. Bit by bit, the worst of his pain slowly leached away, and he could breathe again.

He could even smile. "Whether I want you or not doesn't mean much," he whispered. "You like me, but you don't need me."

It took her a long time to speak. "I thought I knew what I needed. I know what I want. But something's in the way, and I have to find out what that is. However I can."

Something jagged clicked into place. No, she didn't need him as a mate, but she needed him now. Once. To prove to herself and her wolf that lust could burn bright and hot, but it couldn't provide the steady foundation you needed to build a forever.

He gripped her chin and held her still for a gentle kiss. "I'm going to finish my workout and hit the shower. If you start feeling antsy, come to me. I won't hold back. One way or another, you'll be sure it's not me in the way."

"You promise?"

"I promise." And it was easy. Honest. Wanting Ashley would never be the hard part. The hard part came if he forgot that she could never want him back the same way she wanted Blake.