I stood there in shock. A mess of conflicting emotions. Understanding, sadness, panic, anger, fear, and finally, resignation.

I moved through the house, ignoring the tears and snot bubbles as I gathered my meager belongings and packed my bags. I shot a text off to Shonda, asking her to come over and erase all evidence that I’d ever been inside that house.

I stopped outside of Sloane’s room and looked in, sad that I wouldn’t get the chance to say goodbye.

I hadn’t gotten as much time with her as I’d hoped, but she really was a special little girl.

God, who was I kidding? They were both special, and I was in love with them. It killed that I wouldn’t be able to see the life I’d been envisioning become a reality.

I saw the headlights flash through the windows and rushed out to meet Shonda before she made it to the house. I shut the door carefully behind me, placed my hand on the cool wood one last time, then took a deep breath and turned.

“What’s going on, is Sloane okay?” Shonda asked as she jumped from her car and ran over.

“Yes, sorry, I should have said… she’s fine. I didn’t mean to worry you.”

She stopped in front of me, took one look at my face and asked, “Are you okay?”

I shook my head and wailed, “Noooo…” the tears starting back up.

Shonda pulled me in for a hug and patted my back.

Realizing that Bane could come back at any minute, and the last thing I wanted to him to see was my devastation, I pulled back and asked, “Can we please go? I’ll tell you about it in the car.”

“Sure,” she said quickly, leading me to the passenger side. “Where are we going?”

“Bus station,” I replied.

Shonda shot me a sympathetic look, then rounded the car to get in on the driver’s side.

She pulled out of Bane’s driveway and started toward town.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked gently.

“We just… aren’t on the same page,” I told her, watching out the window as we got further away from Bane’s house. “I want more than he can give.”

Shonda nodded and muttered, “Yeah, that seems to run in the family.”

I wiped at my cheeks and looked at her, seeing her for what she was… a kindred spirit.

“Yeah,” I whispered. “I think it was doomed to fail from the beginning, I just didn’t see it.”

We drove the rest of the way in companionable silence.

Shonda pulled up at the bus station and I gathered my things as we both got out of the car.

“Are you sure you need to leave?” she asked. “Maybe you guys can work things out?”

I gave her a sad smile.

“No, Bane was pretty clear on what he wanted.”

“Where are you gonna go?”

I thought of my options, which were pretty bleak, and shrugged.

“Back to Florida, I guess. At least I know the area, and a few people. My old roommate will probably let me crash, at least for a few days until I can get on my feet.”

“Call me if you need anything,” Shonda said, and I could see that she meant it.

“Thanks, Shonda, I appreciate it. Really. Thanks for picking me up, too.”

We gave each other a hug and she whispered, “I wish you could stay.”

My heart clenched and I thought, we really could have been best friends, and I pulled away.

“We’ll keep in touch,” I assured her, then started toward the bus station.

“I’ll hold you to that,” she called after me.

I turned and wave, then left her standing by her car.

For ninety-two dollars, I got a bus pass to travel twenty-five hours from Indiana to Florida. My stomach clenched as I paid, knowing my savings account was taking a hit and I had no idea what I was going to do when the money ran out.

When it was time to leave, I took a seat in the back of the bus and stowed my things around me so I could keep an eye on them.

I had a long time to think over the course of that ride.

I thought about my time with Bane, with Sloane, and I also thought about my ex, and the way we’d left things. I pondered what I wanted to do with my life… did I want to use my degree, find another nanny job, or just take anything that came along?

Where would I live?

What did I want out of life?

I realized on that road that I hadn’t planned my life out very well. I was disappointed in the choices I’d made, and the fact that I had nothing to show for years of school and hard work.

I was a mess.

In that realization, I knew that I wasn’t ready to share my life with anyone else.

I needed to find myself first.

To find my purpose and become someone that I could be proud of.

I’d been a victim of circumstance for too long, partly of my own volition, and that needed to change.

By the time the bus pulled into the station in Florida, I was exhausted, but hopeful. I had a plan and I was going to put it into action. I wasn’t going to focus on the negative; instead I would strive toward being an independent woman who didn’t need a man to be fulfilled.

I was ready for the evolution of Katja.