“Vicky, I just don’t know what I’m going to do. Your brothers won’t even talk to me! They all went to the city with Roger. They said I’m useless!”
“You’re not useless, mom, but you do need help. I can’t believe this happened to you.”
“Believe it. I’m such an idiot.”
“Stop beating yourself up about it,” Vicky said with a deep sigh. “That’s only going to make you want to drink more. That isn’t what you need right now. what you need is a chance to take care of yourself. You need rehab.”
“But I’m way too old to change my ways. Rehab wouldn’t do me any good!”
“It would do you a world of good,” Vicky said, trying not to let her irritation show. It was always one excuse or another with her mother. Any reason not to get the help she needed. “Don’t you want to have a relationship with your children? A good one?”
“If they don’t want me then good riddance. I am how I am. Ain’t no changing me now!” Her mother sounded indignant. Miserable. But there was something else in her tone that Vicky didn’t usually hear. She was also unsure. Vicky would keep pushing.
“Rehab would help you, you know. You’re about to lose everything. And if you aren’t willing to take the steps you need to heal, you could lose me too. I can’t keep supporting you. I practically raised those kids for you and you and I both know it. Now, I don’t hold it over your head. I understand being an alcoholic is a disease. But it’s a disease there is a cure for. I could help you pay for a good place. I have a decent job right now, with a good man. Let me help you do this.”
“I don’t know, Vicky. Maybe you can let me think on it for a while.”
Vicky was heartened. Usually, the answer was a plain and simple “no.” Straight forward and to the point. No way. She would refuse to even consider it. She didn’t like to think she even had a problem, and of course that was understandable. But this was major progress. It was a good thing.
“I understand. Take all the time you need. But if you want to get better, I will help you however I can. I love you. You deserve happiness.”
Vicky’s mom went silent for a few moments and then sighed heavily. “I know,” she murmured.
They hung up and Vicky sat in silence, her mind wandering over and over the details of the conversation and what it could mean for her mother’s health. She had been praying since she was a child for her mother to get better, and now it was possible for her to do just that. Every once in a while, there were moments of hope, but usually they were short lived. Her mother would relapse, and everything would go back to being hellish. However, this was the first time Vicky had ever heard her sound so hopeless. Maybe something good would come of this yet. she would just have to wait and see.
“Vicky look!” Marie exclaimed, running over to her, and waving a piece of paper in the air. “I drew you!”
“You did!?” Vicky exclaimed, gasping in surprise. She took the picture and smiled. It was an adorable likeness, and she gathered the small child into a big hug. “This is great,” she said. “Thank you!”
“I drew Michael too!” she said, running back across the room to retrieve a likeness of her older brother. He was scowling deeply at Greg and Mary and Vicky having fun. It made a bubble of laughter burst out from deep inside Vicky.
“These are all excellent. You’re a talented artist already!”
“And I will be an even better one when I’m grown up!” Marie said with a decided nod. “You’ll see! Thanks for being here so my daddy can send me to college!”
“You’re welcome sweetheart,” Vicky said, pulling the child into a close hug. She kissed her on top of the head and then released her back to her task, a small bubble of guilt raising up in her. She had nearly messed this opportunity up for all of them.
And yet the thought of what had happened between them made Vicky’s heart tremor in her chest. She had never felt better than when Bruce’s body was close to hers, pressed against her, inside her, making her feel as if the best thing she had ever experienced was that incredible but fleeting pleasure. she was ashamed of herself for how much she wanted it; how deeply and badly she missed it now that it wasn’t there.
She wished he was home now, and yet she knew it was better for the both of them if he wasn’t. she wanted him more than she had ever wanted anyone before. Had they thought that giving in to that strange pull between them would help matters and let it go away? If so they were deluding themselves and it was a terrible idea. All it had served to do was make the attraction even stronger, at least on Vicky’s end. She wanted nothing more than to get herself detoxed from Bruce. Apparently, she wasn’t much better than her mother. She was addicted to the way he made her feel. His touch. His deep voice and gentle eyes. That sexy smile of his. Ugh.
And yet they had both agreed it was for the best not to continue with their fling. It had been a one-time thing and that was all. So why couldn’t she get him out of her head?
The thought was driving her mad. He was working now, probably on an airplane on the way to some big retreat where he was going to teach people in his company how to work together as a team. They had been talking about it before he left, and the tension between them had been stronger than ever.
But they couldn’t possibly allow it to interfere in their lives any more than it already had. Not only would it be bad for the children, but it would be bad for her career. And who knew what types of repercussions it might have for Bruce as well. Would it distract him from his work? Make him feel like a horrible father? Who could tell what kind of impact it could have. It couldn’t be a good one, that much was certain. She wouldn’t be selfish about this. It could mess up too many things. Hurt too many people. Even if it felt amazing in the moment.
Beyond amazing actually. Incredible. Life-altering almost.
But no, she couldn’t let herself think like that. That wasn’t good. Not a good thing at all. She had to be strong and sensible about this. Wise. Discerning. Intelligent. She couldn’t make her choices based on what felt good to her body. That would make her way too much like her mother. And then she would find herself in the same boat again. destitute. Unloved. Unwanted. Without a house, home, or family. No job. No money. Just uncertainty and fear.
Because how could she maintain a relationship with a client? If one little thing went wrong, either in the relationship or with the kids, it could mean the end of her career as she knew it. Entirely. It could be the end of the thing she was most proud of in her life; that she had spent the most time working on and perfecting; crafting until she had a glowing portfolio and nothing but amazing reviews from satisfied clients.
Losing that would leave her with nothing to show for all those years of hard work she had put into developing her references and becoming the kind of woman anybody would want around their children.
And yet, she couldn’t help but wonder, somewhere in the back of her mind, whether or not this might be something special. What if she felt this way about Bruce because they had some sort of fated attraction? And they were meant to be happy lovers for the rest of their lives? She could easily see herself loving and raising these children as her own. They were incredible kids, and sweet and smart as could be. And their father. Well. He was easy on the eyes, that much was certain. And kind, generous, and strong.
But no, that was just Vicky being unrealistic. Daydreaming. She was tired of getting herself sucked into bad situations just because it felt okay at the time. None of her past relationships had worked out because of it, and she found herself depressed and unhappy whenever she was with someone who didn’t understand her. and most people didn’t. they didn’t know how to make her feel good. Or they just wanted sex. It was all biological.
But with Bruce it seemed to go far beyond that. He was so good at making her feel good. As if he could sense exactly what she liked and what she didn’t. he was the most caring lover she’d ever had.
And yet it was dangerous to call him a lover. No, this went beyond that. There were no normal terms that could describe the way they felt about each other. It was too much and too fast, and it was better for them both to just leave the past in the past and move on. Whether it felt good or not.