I ambled towards the kitchen on tired, heavy legs, hiding my yawn behind my hand, before stretching my arms above my head. My back cracked with satisfying pops and I shook my head wildly, until the smooth hardwood under my soles was replaced with cool tile. I swiped the remote off the counter, near the coffee pot, and turned on the small television tucked in the corner, to listen to the news drone on in the bright, early morning.
Through squinted eyes, I peered into a cabinet in search of coffee, and my shoulders slumped in relief, when I found a small, almost empty bag at the back of the top shelf. Jon’s kitchen was essentially empty; anything that could go bad had been used before our trip to Alaska, and he still hadn’t gone shopping. I jerked the cutlery drawer open with my free hand, and grabbed a spoon. A frown was plastered on my face and a deep crease appeared between my brows.
My best friend was probably the most stable, emotionally balanced person I had ever known or knew of. Jon was there for me when my brother spiraled into drugs; when my mother was hospitalized with a stroke when I was sixteen. He was the man I aspired to be, and I loved him like the sibling I had never really had.
But, even thought we’d been friends since we were two years old, I still didn’t understand.
Carefully pouring ground coffee beans into the filter pot, I grumbled under my breath in displeasure. Those times when I wished I was like Jon were becoming more and more frequent, and our trip to Alaska had only exacerbated the issue. He’d found his mate; our landlady was mated, and there was no one for me to talk to about anything, since none of our friends knew what Jon really was.
A bear shifter.
The memory of his first shift at the camp, that day, popped into my mind’s eye and my expression smoothed out some. Phantom sensations took over my muscles in less time than it took to blink, and I let out a heavy sigh, as images played back against my eyelids.
I’d been absolutely terrified, when the aches and pains that Jon had been complaining about, for weeks before, had manifested into shooting and burning pains. No matter how hard I’d tried to convince him not to go on the camping trip, he’d still insisted. Then, within hours, he was on the forest floor, turning into something that had given my younger self horrible nightmares for months afterwards.
Not because I was afraid of him, but because of what he’d gone through.
“Don’t you think that’s enough coffee, there, Paul?”
I blinked hard as Jon’s rough voice prickled my ear drums. I looked down to find the brew basket almost overflowing with ground beans, and I muttered a curse. I scooped the coarse powder back into the bag, carefully and glared at my friend as he sauntered up, to stand next to me.
“What’s got you so ornery?” he asked.
“Nothing,” I answered quickly, my lips pursed into a thin line as my lie echoed in the small space between us. Exhaling through my nose, I ignored Jon’s arched brows to change the subject.
“Thanks for letting me stay here, since we got back. I know you’ve got a lot on your plate, Jon. To be honest, on the plane, I was thinking that I might just cut my lease and find a new place. I don’t want to see what Tommy did to my apartment.”
Jon clapped a strong hand on my shoulder and smiled broadly, at my words of gratitude. I gnawed on the inside of my cheek. I couldn’t get a good night’s rest here; my little brother plagued my thoughts until I was just too exhausted to stay awake. The flight back from Alaska had given me some pretty severe jet lag, but even that didn’t seem to help much.
“Any time, Paul. The truth is - I still think you’re an idiot for letting him stay there while we were gone. It’s your own fault, and if I wasn’t so busy with Lucy, I would’ve kicked you out two days ago.”
I snorted at that and shook my head, while Jon laughed. I turned the pot and braced my palms on the counter.
“No. Seriously, though,” Jon continued. “You need to go home at some point, man. I can handle this, so you can handle that.”
“I hear you. I know. I just… it sucks knowing that Tommy probably won’t surprise me, you know? I mean, before we left, he was a drug addict. Now, he’s a drug addict with a baby on the way that probably isn’t even his.” Just thinking about it all thickened my voice, and I twisted to lean back against the counter with a grimace.
“At least you have the completely appropriate hope that Lucy will get better. I know that Tommy won’t.”
“You don’t know anything for sure, Paul. I get that you don’t believe in him, and it’s probably warranted, but he could still surprise you. What happened to ‘the baby might set him straight’, huh?”
“That was bullshit, and you know it, Jon.” Maybe the clean, crisp Alaskan air had played with my mind, but I regretted ever saying such a thing. Touching my chin to my chest, I blew out a hot breath before the smell of coffee filled my nostrils and settled into my lungs. “It’s not a big deal. I’ll be out today, at some point. You need some quality time with your mate… I’m just a cockblocker.”
“Sounds like a deal, then. Besides, don’t you want to go back to work instead of idling around someone else’s apartment all day?” Jon asked.
I gave a toothy, disheartened smile, and exhaled heavily, while Jon started to rummage through his bare kitchen. I focused on the floor, and my gaze narrowed into fine points as my mind worked through what I knew would happen, once I left this dying haven.
No matter my best friend’s reassurances, the sinking feeling that churned in my gut wouldn’t be ignored; something bad was going to happen at my apartment. Whether it involved Tommy’s physical presence, or not, was yet to be determined, but my uneasy feelings were rarely wrong when it came to my brother.
“I’m not saying you need to take this to the face, Paul.” Job spoke up, suddenly, and his steady voice drew my eyes upward, even as he ducked his head into the refrigerator. “I’m just saying you shouldn’t hide from it. I mean, you’ve been moping around and avoiding going back to your home, because of your brother. I get that you felt bad for him and that’s why you let him stay there, but you’ve gotta face the fact that you can’t let him run your life - even a tiny part of it. I know that to you it doesn’t seem like much, but you just suggested abandoning your apartment because of him. That’s not good, you know.”
“I wasn’t being serious.” I straightened up in a pathetic attempt to defend myself. Jon wore a look of disbelief that had me rolling my eyes. “I wasn’t. Don’t look at me like that. You know how I feel about him, Jon. If it wasn’t for Mom, I would force him out of my life for good. It’s been years, and I’m tired. Not wanting to deal with him, where he is, or who he’s with, is perfectly normal.”
“If you say so. Let’s change the subject, shall we? That vein in your forehead is starting to bulge, which means you’re getting pissed off.”
Grumbling at Jon’s effective tease, I twisted to reach into a top cupboard for a coffee cup. The hot brew was only inches away and smelled better than it should’ve, and I grabbed the pot handle with tight fingers. Steam wafted into my face, the sound of pouring liquid tickled my ears, and I took a deep breath before relaxing my body.
Talking about Tommy - Hell, even thinking about Tommy - made me so tense. It’s a good thing that Jon is a masseur. This conversation is his fault, so it’ll be free.
Smirking at my own, slightly uncomfortable thought, I set the pot back on the coffee maker, and began to spoon sugar into my mug, before opening my mouth.
“What about you? Aren’t you excited to get back to work?” Within seconds, my coffee was perfect, and I licked my lips as I gripped the mug. I turned to lean against the counter once again, and I frowned slightly when I caught Jon glowering at me from behind the refrigerator door.
“What? Why would I be excited to do a butt-load of paperwork that’s accumulated over the summer? No, thank you.” I scowled at that and hid my dark expression behind my mug, as the brew burned my tongue. I took a small sip only; my throat flexed at the welcome intrusion and a shudder slid down my spine.
The coffee in Alaska downright sucked, and no matter my situation with my brother, I was glad to be back in California.