~

 

You would have thought that I’d sprouted snakes for hair and was turning people to stone around him, not that there was anyone within the confines of Jack’s bedroom with us, but still, he reacted to one little tiny bit of magic like it was the apocalypse and zombies were attacking. The man was an eejit of the worst kind.

Pride. That’s what it was, pride and the fall, instead of before it.

Sure, in Jack’s world he could take on the big baddies with fisticuffs and brute force. But faced with something not of his world – well, let’s just say the man could give my Grandmother a run for her money with his lectures.

I left that bedroom with a flea in my ear and the solemn promise that he wasn’t done interrogating me, Gran, or anyone else in my family of heathens. Numptie.

Murderer, Gran, Pah! She’d rather keep you alive and make you suffer every day with one of her hour-long speeches.

As for me, I could kill whatever was doing this to my beloved isle and the people on it. Maybe even Jack, under the right circumstances.

Moira was standing by her car looking gleefully smug. With her arms folded, she was giving me a knowing look as I stalked towards her.

“Not one bloody word!” I got in before she chuckled and wound me up further.

I swear that every muscle in my body was clenched so damn tightly that I could spit out a diamond from my you know where.

“You like him,” she teased, and I zapped her because I could, because I needed to do someone harm, and because of that smug look. “See, point made.”

“Was not, and not another word or I’ll make sure that strawberry blonde hair of yours has a tight weave permanent, and I mean perm-anent, fuzz to it.”

Moira gasped, and her hand went straight to her hair. “You wouldn’t.”

“Oh, aye, I would.”

And I would. I’d make her look like she’d licked her finger and shoved it in an electrical socket alright.

“Someone’s not feeling the love,” she said, turning her nose up at me.

“Magnify that by the power of a thousand suns,” I snapped back, reaching in my pocket for the keys to my cars, yanking them a little too hard, and sending them down to the roadway at my feet. “Eejit.”

I berated myself and snapped down to retrieve them when I felt the rush of air around me.

Something big, furry, and magically powerful shot over my body and knocked me to the ground. My hands hit the hard surface, my head snapped up on my neck, just in time to see the thing heading right for Moira.

“Whoa!” Moira shrieked. Her hands came up, and she forced her magic out of her palms at the thing, catching it in the chest, and flipping the beast into head over tail summersaults back across the lot towards me.

“Don’t throw it at me,” I bit out, and tossed myself sideways, only narrowly missing being steamrollered by the beast.

“What the f…?” Moira spat out, and I didn’t have the will to look her way as I took in what I can only describe as a damn big wolf, but not. It was so much more than that.

“Moira, get in your car,” I hissed out, lifting my hands and aiming my palms in its direction.

“Not leaving you,” she said, stubborn to the last.

The beast pulled back its lips and exposed two rows of razor-sharp fangs that glinted in the few lights still left on in the area.

“Allow me.” The voice was soft for a man of these parts like he was trying to woo a lass, but there was nothing soft about what came next.

I didn’t see where he came from, but he was standing between me and that beast in the blink of an eye – not that I blinked, who could blink at a time like this?

“It’s…” I started but swallowed my own tongue when he grabbed hold of the snarling beast and tossed it through the air away from him. “That’s…”

I wasn’t sure what word could possibly come next in that sentence, so I shut up.

“Holy bloody hell’s bells and Satan’s minion,” Moira bit out on a forced chuckle of disbelief. My sister was very seldom lost for words; some would say that she had too many.

“Run along.” Our new hero said, brushing his hands off as if he didn’t like the feel of the beast against his skin.

The beast took off like a bat outta hell, and I didn’t blame it. Frankly, if it hadn’t of been that my sister wouldn’t have gotten the memo – I would have been running as well.

“Vampire…” I muttered. I mean, what else could it be?

“Shocker,” he grinned, playfully.

That was all I needed, a sarcastic, bloodsucking nightwalker to add insult to injury. But, I have to admit, he wasn’t hard to look at.

Still, he was younger than me by a few years … or … not? I guess age was relative to one of those things, but he looked more suited to Eileen’s age group than have the likes of me drooling over him. Still, it never hurt to look, right?

“Fiona called and I – begrudgingly came,” he said, starting towards me and I cocked my head and clicked my tongue to warn him of impending doom and death by fiery magic should he get too close. I was grateful when he stopped in place. “And just in time too. No need to thank me.”

“Thank you…”

“No need…” he shrugged and looked pleased with himself.

“It was a question…” I shot back.

“How are we to know that the mutt-thingy isn’t yours,” Moira said, eyeing him with one of her famous death glares.

“Fur allergy,” he said and put his hand to his throat and coughed.

I must admit that I snapped my gaze to Moira then. The woman spat out a chuckle at the same time that I did.

Vampires were not only real, they actually were sarcastic, and there was now one on the Isle of Skye. I felt less blessed and more skyrocketing towards insanity. I might have laughed at his funny, but it sounded more like the cackle of a mad woman that got stuck in my throat.

It felt like some kind of joke, a vampire, a werewolf and a witch walk into a bar; only I couldn’t think what the punchline could be. My life had become surreal, and if I could think straight, then I don’t think that I would actually be appreciating it much.

“Let’s go see your Granny!” he said and clapped his hands together like he relished the prospect.

“Oh, that’s not going to end well.” I bit out as I pushed up to my full height.

“Nonsense, we’re old friends from waaaay back. We even dated once…”

“What!?” Moira squealed, but only because she got there before I did.

“Just wanted to see if you were paying attention.” He chuckled.

“Oh boy, I really want this day to end.” I groaned.

 

~

 

I wasn’t exactly the cheerleader for taking the vampire home with us. He wasn’t a puppy, he was a bloodsucking, deadly leech if all of those books and the TV was to be believed. Not really someone you take home to dear old mum and dad, let alone your Gran.

Ok, in this instance my Grandmother was a woman who could probably whip up a spell and fillet him with a fiery blast of her magic, but the sentiment still stood. Hi, Gran, surprise was about to take on a whole new bloody meaning, and when I say; bloody…

The plus side was that he had his own car, I say car; it was probably worth more than our house, my shop, and the soul of someone’s firstborn all rolled into one. For someone who looked like he’d just rolled out of a boy band, I bet he got pulled over by the police a lot.

You’d think that being a vampire he’d want to fly under the radar, but that car screamed; look at me, I have more money than sense.

Wait until that low rider hit a pothole – of which we had more than actual roads themselves – did vampires cry bloody tears? I bet he would when his axel went ping, or he popped one of those tires that probably cost a week’s wages.

Didn’t those things have ceramic brake discs or some such? I watched Top Gear with my dad a lot when I was younger, can you tell?

On the plus side, my family was sure to hear that meaty engine and guttural exhaust coming from a mile down the pothole filled road. I looked in the rearview mirror, and there he was, racing up behind me, on foot, and when I say racing – he overtook my careful driving and kept going.

“Show off,” I muttered, keeping the speed low. I might not be driving a house and shop, but I didn’t want to pay for damages to my car either.

Of course, by the time that I pulled in and parked next to my dad’s car, leaving enough room for Moira’s heap, there he was, breathing easy with his back up against the wall, his arms folded like he’d been impatiently waiting forever, and a smug smile on his blood red lips. I’m thinking that smug is his default mode and I don’t think I’m ever going to like this guy.

I trudged towards him down the muddy drive, keeping an eye on him with my magic right there at my fingertips in case he tried something … vampire-ish, just as Eileen yanked open the front door and stuck her head out to give me an exasperated glare.

“Vampire!” I announced, and she cocked her head and offered me a death glare.

“Funny, ha-ha,” she sneered, but the moment that Count MacDrac appeared in front of her; she screeched so loudly that I’m sure my future children heard her on some level.

“Hysterical,” MacDrac announced and tossed a grin back over his shoulder at me. “And I think she’s going to be at any moment.”

“F-f-fu…” Eileen stammered, and I filled in the blanks as she snatched her body back and slammed the door in his face. “You’re not invited!”

“I get that a lot,” he chuckled.

“Shocker,” I grumbled, shooing the leech out of the way and was more than a little surprised when he actually moved.

“I’m also psychic, did you know that?” he asked, turning his shoulder to the wall and propping it up as he folded his arms once more.

“You don’t say.” I tried my key in the door and wasn’t surprised to find it wouldn’t work. My genius sister had bolted the door – like that was going to do any good.

“I do say,” he offered as I started hammering on the wood with my fist and yelling for Eileen to open up. Talk about throwing your sister under the bus, leaving me locked outside with a bloodsucker. “I know you’re not going to invite me in.”

I turned my best sneer on him as Moira came up the path behind me.

“Give me this week’s lottery numbers, and I’ll give you her firstborn,” Moira teased, and I grunted in annoyance.

“Eileen, open the door, you bloody idiot!” I yelled.

“Probably best not to bring up the mental images the word bloody produces,” he whispered, and again, the books were proved right – he did have a melodic tone to his voice. I wonder if he had a reflection.

“He’s not getting in!”I yelled against the wood.

“Too bloody right he’s not!” she yelled back and then gave a blood-curdling screech in surprise.

“Open the door!” I yelled with thoughts of dark magic, werewolves, and murder flashing through my mind as a reason my younger sibling had screamed. Imagine my surprise when the door was pulled open, and there stood a beaming MacDrac. 

“I’m reading your mind, and you’re wondering how I got in,” he teased.

I guess the books were wrong, you didn’t need to invite a vampire into your house, but the man was still something of a magician, he’d only just been standing right next to me.

“He’s been invited,” Gran announced from behind him and he groaned, somewhat deflated.

“Ruin the surprise and my punchline,” MacDrac grumbled.

I think I was definitely headed, somewhat rapidly, I might add, towards insanity at a fast speed. I only wondered if I’d get there before being sucked dry of all my blood by the vampire, being eaten by a werewolf, or killed by dark magic.

Life was good, life was fun, and there certainly wasn’t a dull moment lately. Lucky me.