Quinn

“Where are you?”

“Mom, I’m in a hotel.”

“Where? You disappeared off the face of the planet before. I’m never letting you do it again.”

“I didn’t want to do that, Mom. It was necessary to keep me and the rest of the family safe.”

“A short communal text is a piss poor excuse to explain what’s going on.”

I sigh. “There are rules, Mom. Every call is monitored and scripted, believe me. It wasn’t a picnic for me either.”

“I know it wasn’t. I’m sorry. I’m just ... you scared me so badly, and when we went to your apartment and saw you hadn’t lived there for God knows how long we worried. No one would tell us anything, and the police refused to file a missing person’s report.”

“Because they knew I was under protection, Mom.”

“It’s terrifying not knowing where your child is, when she’ll be back, of if she’ll be back. We worried they’d taken you to another state, changed your name and outward appearance.”

“No. These men are dangerous, but they’re no mafia.” I hope I sound more convincing than I feel.

“When will we see you?”

“I’ll come by tonight for dinner, Mom.”

“Good.”

“Mom, I’m only going to come over if you promise it’s only you, Dad, and Riley. Max if he’s in town. Anything bigger than that and I swear to you I’ll leave the way I came.” Images of cake, balloons, and way too many people flashes in my head.

“I understand.” She sighs.

“Thank you,” I say dryly.

“Are you bringing Ollie?”

I glance into the room from the balcony and take in the tense set of his back as he calls his own people.

“No, he’ll be having his own family reunion. I think it’s better that way.”

“I heard what that woman did to you. You should press charges.”

“No, she’s a grieving mother.”

“Who doesn’t know what family she’s dealing with.”

I laugh at her gumption. “Mom, I don’t want to be bailing you out of jail for assault. Let it lie.”

“I will if she does. I can get Riley to take care of my light work anytime.”

I laugh. “I needed that, Mom.”

“I’m serious,” she deadpans.

“I know you are. We don’t have to worry about her. I doubt our paths will be crossing.”

“You’re with her ex, aren’t you?”

“Yes, but you know what happened to Rolly.” My voice shakes as I think of the sweet boy who swiftly captured my heart.

“Trust me, she’ll be around. Probably trying to play on his sympathy. She was never over him. You said it yourself.”

Sighing, I rub my eyelids. “Mom, I’m too tired to get this deep.”

“Okay, baby, you come by, and I’ll make your favorite tonight.”

“Lasagna and homemade garlic bread?”

“Yes, ma’am. I’ll even throw in some peach cobbler.”

“My mouth is watering already.” My stomach growls as my hunger flares. We’ve been eating crap with a side of healthy at the hotel when they could get it.

“Good. I’ll see you soon, baby.”

I hang up feeling connected and loved. Slipping my phone in the pocket of my robe, I soak up the sunshine. There’s no one to tell me to stay inside, no rules to follow other than the ones I make for myself, and no looming trial. All that exists is me and decisions that need to be made. I’ve yet to even check my Facebook because I’m afraid of what I might find. It’s no way to live. The door behind me slides open.

“How did it go?” I peer over my shoulder.

“They understood. They want to see me.” He stands beside me.

“I’m going to my parents’ house tonight. You should do the same.”

“You don’t want to do it together?” he asks.

“No, I don’t want to take from your reunion, and I think you should make sure there are no lingering hard feelings toward me.” I cringe at the thought of his flesh and blood blaming me for Rolly’s death.

“There isn’t. They were worried about you while you were in the hospital. If it wasn’t for the guards and tight security, they would’ve gone to see you. Please don’t let Allie’s behavior turn you off them. They adore you. Any more loss is too much.” His voice wavers and I wonder if he’s talking about them or himself.

“I’m not going anywhere.” I cover his hand with mine, and he kisses my shoulder. We’ve spent the past couple of days sleeping, eating, and watching mindless television. It’s time to return to the real world. “We need to decide what we’re doing.”

“I know. It’s hard to think further than a few hours at a time,” he admits.

“Where do you want the new place to be?”

“Away from both our houses. I can’t. The thought of going back makes me break out in a cold sweat.”

“Hey. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

“Yes. Yes I do,” he croaks.

“Why?”

“Because he’s never coming back. I have to face that.” His lower lip trembles and his face crumbles like a deck of cards. I move forward to hold him, taken aback by the swift fluctuation of emotions. As his cries break loose, I find myself unable to hold back my own tears. I tried to so hard to be strong for him. I compartmentalized my own feelings. The purge is a baptism as I shed the old skin and share my pain with Ollie.

***

“THE PRODIGAL DAUGHTER returns,” Max says as I walk into the house.

“I thought it was more our style to make the parental units worry,” Riley adds.

“I figured it was my turn to rebel,” I say drolly.

“None of this is funny.” My mother rushes over and hugs me.

“I agree. Hi, Mom.” I inhale her floral scent and hold her closer than usual. I’ll never take the small things for granted the way I used to.

“Hi, sugarplum.” She pulls back from me and gives me a slow once over. “How are you? You look like you lost weight.”

“The stress got to me.”

“It’s all over now, though, right?” Max asks as I move to hug my father.

“It should be. I don’t know how rational criminal types can be. The testimony’s been given, there’s no taking it back, and he’s in prison. I’ll be moving out of my apartment to a new location. I’m not sure where or when but hotel life is wearing me thin, so it’ll be sooner rather than later.”

“I don’t know, room service, maids, and no work, sound pretty cushy to me,” Max says.

“Until it isn’t,” I say with a roll of my eyes.

“Now quit picking on your sister,” my father instructs.

“Yeah.” I stick out my tongue.

“Always the baby brat,” Riley says.

“You guys can’t stop picking on me, can you?” I ask as I move to hug Riley. I close my eyes, welcoming the familiar lavender scent and the heat of her body. Riley always ran hot.

She pulls away and gazes at me. “You okay, little sister?”

“Yeah, I am. Shaken, but on the mend.”

She gives me a nod.

“Where’s that boyfriend of yours? Seems kind of shitty he let you come alone,” Max says as he gives me a bear hug and lifts me off my feet. I squeal.

“I decided we should both go solo to reassure our family that we were okay. Tempers were running high in the courtroom.”

“So I heard, slugger,” Max says as he sets me on my feet.

“You girls want to help me get the salad ready so we can serve dinner?” my mom asks. I understand the code. It’s time for girl talk.

“Sure, Mom.” We head to the kitchen where we wash fresh veggies and hand them to my mother to chop.

“What are your plans with this boy? Grief is an all-encompassing thing that never fully goes away. He’s not the same man you originally fell in love with. Are you prepared to deal with that?”

“It’s very serious. I understand he’s not going to be okay overnight, Mom.”

“There will be times of great sadness you’ll never understand. I saw it with my own mother after my brother drowned. It drove my parents apart and nearly ruined their marriage. I know you’re a grown woman, but I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t speak frankly. My parents wanted a large family, but after Johnny died, that ended. Are you prepared to give up having children altogether? Have you discussed the possibility?”

“Mom, it seems ... premature and cruel.”

“Not if you’re throwing everything you have in with him. I know you, girl. You don’t love in halves.”

I look down at the avocado I’m slicing in two and squirting with lemon juice to keep it from browning. Dealing with Rolly convinced me I wanted children. I couldn’t put that wish back.

“I’ll bring it up.”

“Soon.”

“Yeah, Mom. I’ll do it soon,” I reply quietly.

“Hey, it’ll work out. Look at all you two have been through,” Riley says.

“I hope. I think part of me is always waiting for the final straw to be pulled,” I admit honestly.

Mom squeezes my shoulder. “You’ve been through a lot, I’m not surprised you’re wondering what will come next.”

“How did you know that Daddy was the one?” I ask.

“Because I couldn’t imagine life without him. He made me angrier than anyone I’d ever known, but he made my life more, too. It’s a balance. We’re day and night but we complement one another, and he’s always been there for me when I need him. I can’t say I had a defining moment. One day I knew I was willing to take the risk of giving him my heart, and my hand in marriage and try to make it for the long haul.”

Her words resonate. This is how I feel about Ollie. Walking away isn’t an option.

***

OLLIE

It’s an off sight, all of my family members under my father’s roof along with my mother and her beau. Beau. It’s weird to think of the dapper gentleman in crisp khaki pants, and a light blue button down. He has a full head of white hair he parts on one side and slicks back. His face is kind, freckled, and rounded. He’s taller than my mother and spry. I like the look and sound of Mike Rhodes. I’m seated beside my mother on her left, and he’s on her right. The steak is well-seasoned and cooked to perfection, along with the twice baked potatoes and baked beans. We’re having a BBQ on the large back patio.

“Did you get enough to eat, son?” my father asks.

“I did. Thank you, all of you, for being here. I can’t express how good it is to see your faces.”

“We’re happy to have you back,” my mom says.

“Why didn’t Quinn come?” Harry asks.

“She’s meeting up with her family, and I think she was nervous about her reception.”

“What? Why?” Karen asks.

“After what happened with Allie, she’s worried you might think the same way.”

“No. Absolutely not. What happened was no one’s fault but those men. Allison is a woman who’s hurt to the bone and has nowhere to place her blame. She laid it unjustly at Quinn’s feet.”

“Heard your girl lit her up with one hell of a right hook,” Patrick says.

I chuckle. “I don’t call her sassy for nothing.”

“So you going to make her a Hemingway, or what?” Harry asks, chiming in.

“I’m planning on it.”

“Don’t wait,” my father adds.

“Dad?”

“Women need to know they’re loved, and the one you got is a diamond in the rough. She’s stood beside you on many occasions when a lesser person would’ve run. That’s rare.”

“The fact that she’s gorgeous, kind, and talented, doesn’t hurt either,” Mom says.

I laugh. “No, it doesn’t.”

We continue to eat and make small talk as I soak up their affection and support. I needed this time. The kids finish up their food and begin to kick a soccer ball around the yard. The sound of laughter pierces me like an arrow to the heart. Excusing myself, I make my way inside to grapple with the sorrow breaking over me. I walk to the bathroom, splash water on my face, and bow my head as Rolly’s memory comes front and center. He should be here right now, chasing his cousins with his too short legs, and laughing. I miss his laughter and his smell.

Sinking down on the toilet, I place my head in my hands as I let the memories play like a movie in my mind.

A tap comes at the door.

“You okay, Oliver?”

“Yeah, Dad. I’ll be out in a minute.”

Gathering myself stand, I step out into the hallway.

“It’s okay to miss him, and to continue to deal with this loss the best way you can. There’s no shame in that, and no one expects you to simply bounce back. We’re here for you to lean on.” He squeezes my shoulder, and I fall against his chest and hug him tight.

“I miss him so much, Dad.”

“I know you do, son.”

“I want to know that he’s okay, and at peace. It haunts me. I brought this trouble onto my family. I was cocky and ignorant. Quinn expressed her concern and I waved it off. Knowing all I had to do was listen to her, and this might’ve been avoided is what gets me the most.” My voice cracks.

He cups the back of my head, and I’m taken back to being a small boy—when my parents’ wisdom and very presence made me feel like everything would be okay. “You can’t live your life wondering what would’ve happened. You can’t turn back time. That’s a lesson I learned the hard way. I went through life hating myself for the mistakes I made. It ate me from the inside out and soured my relationship with others. It’s a slow-moving poison that’ll ruin everything you touch. I refuse to sit here and let you make my mistakes. You got a good woman, a job you love, and family and friends that are here to support you. Take advantage of that. I also think you should see a counselor. This is too big for you on your own.”

“Why do I deserve absolution?” I jerk away from him. “I should be tormented for the rest of my life.”

“No, son, and hearing you say that aloud, should be a sign to us both how much you need healing. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time, and so were Quinn and Roland. No one left this situation unscathed.”

“But why him, Dad? Why my boy?”

He shakes his head, and his eyes shine in the light. “That I can’t answer. I wish I could. No one knows that.”

I dash at my eyes and sniff.

“Better?” he asks.

“A little.”

“Let’s get you some beer. Water isn’t going to do it this time.” His no-nonsense statement makes me laugh. I’m amazed at how close we’ve become. A few months ago he wouldn’t have crossed my mind as a person to call if I was having trouble. I follow him to the fridge and accept the pale ale he pops the top off. “I meant what I said about Quinn. You don’t expect her to stay on without a serious conversation and a deeper commitment.”

“We were talking about it being our goal one day before ... before Rolly was killed.”

“Have you talked about it since?” he asks.

“No, we haven’t exactly had an abundance of alone time.”

“What are you planning on doing next?”

“Getting the house fixed up and selling it. I can’t live there, and I won’t force Quinn to either.”

“She’s coming with you then?” He leans against the counter.

“Absolutely. That much we spoke about.”

“Are you thinking about a home or an apartment?”

“I’m not sure. We need to have that talk. I think more than anything we wanted to check in and let you guys see we were okay.”

“I’m glad you did. We were worried. There were too many close calls.”

“Yeah, there were,” I agree.

“We should rejoin the others before they send a search party.”

As we walk out, I ponder my father’s words. Maybe seeing a shrink wouldn’t be a bad thing.

***

“HOW WAS YOUR NIGHT with your family?” I ask as I roll onto my side.

“Good. My brother was in town, so it was all of us for once. I forget how much the two jerks like to gang up on me.”

I laugh. “Yeah, it’s the right of the elders to test the young.”

“Are you for real?” she asks with a laugh.

“Hey, I’m the youngest in my family. I’m just telling you what I heard.”

She tosses her bag into a chair and hops on the bed beside me. There’s a lightness in her eyes; a sparkle that had been dimmer before.

“How was your time with your family?”

“Good. Eye-opening, and hard. All the kids.”

“Oh, babe. I’m sorry. I didn’t even think about that. I should’ve been there.”

I place a finger on her lips. “No, you were where you needed to be. They missed you by the way. They might kick my ass if I come back without you.”

“Shut up.” She slaps my chest, and I pull her to me.

“They don’t share Allie’s opinion, and they’re quite impressed with your left hook.”

“Oh, jeez. I’m never going to live that down, am I?”

“No, you’re pretty much a Hemnway legend.”

“I’m not a Hemingway.”

I roll her onto her back. “Yet.”

“Is that proposal?”

“No, it’s a declaration of intent, like a promise ring, but way cooler ’cause it’s grown up shit.”

She giggles. “Is that so?”

“It is. If you still want that.”

“I do.” The humor leaves her face. “But we need to have a serious talk first.”

“What’s wrong?”

She moves to sit up, and I roll off her and perch on the edge of the bed.

“We haven’t spoken much about a future. Not in great detail. Do you want a house or an apartment? Where do you want to live? If we get married, will there ... will there be kids?”

I stare, unable to answer her. Right now the thought of another child is horrifying. It feels like a betrayal—the memory of the boy whose body isn’t even cold yet, and a chance to get what’s left of my heart trounced on. Bile rises in my throat.

“I didn’t want to ask that. I know it’s too soon, and I’m not trying to minimize your pain in any way, or rush you. I’m not talking tomorrow, or even six months from now ... just one day. If you don’t think you can, it’s okay.”

I bow my head. “I can’t even think about that right now, Quinn. It makes me sick to my stomach.”

She sighs. “Then save this promise until you know one way or the other.”

“And in the meantime?” I ask as my voice shakes.

“We figure it out as we go.”

I grab her hand. “I want that with you. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to give it to you, but I want it more than anything,” I whisper honestly. The thought of a mini-Quinn has the word yes hovering on the tip of my tongue. I hold it back because I don’t make promises I can’t keep.

“I think we can get there if we both want it badly enough.”

“I can’t give you a timeline.”

“I don’t need that. I just need to know the intention is there.”

“Sassy, you can trust that anyway I can assure us together when we’re both old and gray, I’m going to take. I love you more than I knew was possible.” I pull her onto my lap. “I’m a broken mess right now, but I won’t always be. At the same time, I’m never going to be over what happened to Rolly. I’ll carry that with me until they day they bury me in the ground, and it’s going to come out at odd times. My father, he said something that stuck with me. I’m thinking about seeing a psychiatrist.”

“I think you should. Not many people can understand what you’re going through, me included.” She runs her fingers through my hair.

“Don’t give up on me?” I ask shakily.

“I’ll never do that.”

The incredible thing about her statement is how much I know she means it. There is nothing that helps me more than her steady presence. There’s no magic wand one can wave to make the pain go away, or a shortcut through the deluge of memories, questions about what if’s, and why my child. I keep most of what goes through my head to myself. What leaks out, I give to the woman in my arms. I’m treading water. It’s only a matter of time until I tire and drown in the relentless emotions bombarding me daily like a battering ram. First thing tomorrow, I’ll find a good psychiatrist.

***

“ARE YOU SURE YOU’RE ready?” Houston asks as he corners me in the kitchen. It’s the first time I’ve been around this many people since I returned to the world of the living. In the living room, family and friends are gathered to celebrate the twins. One bouncing baby boy and a bouncing baby girl will be making their arrival in another two months or so. Being around my pseudo nephews and nieces is bittersweet. I’ve missed them. They’re also a slap in the face as I’m reminded of everything I’ve lost.

“It’s past time I come back to work full time. I’m seeing a shrink, and we’ve settled into our new place. I don’t need you to handle me with kids gloves anymore, brother. You’ve done more than enough.”

He sighs. “I don’t want you to push yourself.”

“Trust me, I’m not. I need to get back to a state of normalcy. It’s time.” I peer over at Quinn, who is talking with her hands.

“Things okay with Quinn?”

“Yeah. I feel bad, you know?’

“What? Why?”

“She deserves the total package. Ring, kids, and the white picket fence.”

“Ms. Monster Maker doesn’t strike me as the traditional type,” he says with a snort.

I smirk. “Okay, maybe the fence was a bit much, but everything else is pretty spot on.”

“If you feel that strongly about her, why not propose now?”

“’Cause I’m still a wreck.”

“She obviously doesn’t care about that, man. Plus, bro, you’re better off than most. You have your own home together, money in the bank, and a successful business. What you’re going through has no bearing on your character. It’s a sign of the human condition. No one expects you to snap back like a rubber band. I don’t know ...” His voice cracks “I don’t know how you’re still sane. You’re one of the strongest men I’ve ever known.”

I think back to the bender in the hotel room. “For a minute there I wasn’t. I got dark in the hotel. I mean off the rails. If she hadn’t come and forced me kicking and screaming into the light, I can’t say we’d be here right now. It was so much easier to feel nothing. It let me pause time.”

“Why did you snap out of it?”

“She told me if I didn’t go into protective custody she wouldn’t either. I know her. She’s stubborn enough to do it. I couldn’t have another tragedy on my hands I could’ve prevented.”

“She’s something, isn’t she?” Houston asks.

“Yeah, she is.” I watch as Liv places Quinn’s hand on her belly. The joy that lights up her face reinforces what I’m working on in my counseling sessions. I want to see her face filled with awe over our baby. I can’t help but believe Rolly would approve. He loved his Quinny. If he’d been alive, he would’ve adored a new brother or sister. I cling to that thought when the doubts threaten to swallow me whole. “How are you guys dealing with the impending birth?”

“She’s nervous, and I’m trying to stay calm and reassuring for everyone. I mean, the triplets are old enough to understand what’s happening, and they’re excited and eager to pitch in and help, the same way they did with Ryder. Now, Ryder isn’t able to voice how he feels, but he gets that he’s no longer the baby.”

“Oh boy, is he having issues?”

“There’s some regression, and acting out, but that’s normal. We’ll just keep working on him, and wait for it to die down and him to get back on track once they’re born and we can find our new normal.”

The man is a freaking trooper. He runs the business and helps take care of a mini army at home. He’s the kind of father I would’ve killed to have growing up—involved, affectionate, and flat out cool. He managed to maintain the things that made him stand out as the years rolled by and we both took on more responsibility. It’s admirable. I’ve seen so many people lose themselves in marriages and parenthood. He was the first example I looked toward when I discovered Allie was pregnant.

“We should bring out more drinks before Liv gives us a death glare,” Houston says as he finishes off his water, and pitches the bottle into the recycling bin.

“I’m starting to think you’re afraid of your wife, bro,” I say, amused.

“I keep telling you, I’m cautious.”

I help him restock the cooler. We add another bag of ice and carry it out back.

“Thanks, guys.” Liv flashes us a bright grin.

“Anytime, Livy,” I say as I stand behind Quinn and she leans back against me. It’s time to ask for her hand and start shopping for a ring.