Filthy English

I swallowed, staring down at my hands. At my ring. “It’s—it’s because you did come back with breakfast but you saw me with Hartford when the door was open or you heard him through the door. You left—because you were hurt.” My voice cracked at the end.

God, I was taking such a chance here. What if I was wrong?

I lifted my gaze to read his face. “Am I right?”

“Yes.”

The bag of sand I’d been carrying around my neck dropped. “Why didn’t you just tell me? We could have talked—”

“I saw you with your tongue down his throat. I don’t think there’s anything else to say. I was your rebound guy. You love him. He’s good for you. I’m not.” His voice was low. Matter-of-fact. Final.

I bit my lip. Nodded. Those things were all true.

He closed his eyes. Opened them, a void there.

“Don’t—don’t look like that.” I slid over to him, and he wrapped me in his arms. I pushed my face into his chest, and we sat like that for a while. For some reason, I was terrified to look at him, and maybe he was afraid to look at me, because just one little movement from him, one little whisper of my name, and I’d be willing to jump off a cliff. I’d go down that rabbit hole.

He placed his hand on my stomach, his eyes questioning. “I have a question for you. What happened to our baby, Remi?”

“WAIT,” HE SAID, grabbing my hand to pull me back as I jerked off the couch and stumbled in my haste to get away from him. The arm of the couch saved me from falling. My breath snagged, my body ice-cold as if a Siberian wind had blown in the room.

No. No. Not this.

His question triggered a wasteland of memories I didn’t want to revisit.

Shaking my head furiously, I bolted for the kitchen and out the back door. The night air greeted me as I leaned over the rail that lined the patio.

Don’t puke, don’t puke.

Out of control. Need control.

I took deep breaths, inhaling. Exhaling.

How did he know?

“Remi?”

“Go away.” Wetness fell from my face. “Leave me alone. Please.” My voice was a broken mess.

He touched my back. Soft little brushes as he traced my shoulders. “I can’t, love. I need answers.”

“Stop!” I yelled at him, flinching away. I couldn’t think when he touched me like he cared.

I ran down the steps to the yard, but it was dark and hard to see. I turned in erratic circles.

God.

I had nowhere to go, nowhere to run.

The sins of my past had caught up with me.

He’d chased me through the yard and caught my arm as I came to a halt in front of a large oak tree. He turned me around, peering down at me. Moonlight struck his face, accentuating his beauty, the sharp lines of his face, the shape of his mouth.

I closed my eyes so I couldn’t see him.

He’s going to be your ruin, my head said.

He pushed hair out of my face. “Shhh, it’s okay. Don’t be upset, Remi. Please. I just want you to tell me.”

My entire body shook, and I shuddered against him.

He exhaled, and wrapped me up in his arms. “Please. Remi, forgive me for asking—but I have to know.”

I rested against him, giving in, my chest heaving. “How . . .”

He rubbed my back. “Eva-Maria told me. I saw her today and told her to stay away from you, and then it just came out. She thought I knew.” He paused. “I would have helped you. I would have done something. I don’t know what, but please, talk to me.”

I leaned back to see his face. Searched his eyes. “You want to know how I dealt with my blackest moment? You want to know what it feels like to be pregnant by a guy who was probably screwing someone else the next day?”

“Yes.”

My throat caught.

Tell the truth, Remi. Let him see the emptiness you’d been left with.

I pulled myself out of his arms, backing myself up to the tree.

Swallowing, I said, “I found out I was pregnant when my period didn’t come two weeks later. The campus clinic confirmed what my early pregnancy test had already told me. I—I was on the pill and you used a condom, but there were a few times—you didn’t. I was so stupid! And I thought—I thought you felt the same way about me. I slept with you for three days—because I imagined myself in love with you! Love at first sight. Soul mates. So ridiculous.” A bitter laugh erupted. “You were the only thing I did that was not part of my plan and it ended up nearly ruining my life.”

“I’m sorry.” Even in the darkness, I saw the torture on his face.

“Knowing I was going to have a baby changed everything. All my plans. Yet, when I saw those two blue lines, I wanted that baby. I made another plan—if I could get through fall semester, I was going to drop out, have the baby, and go to college later. Somehow I was going to make it work even if I had to live with my mom.”

“What happened?”

A harsh laugh came out of me. “What happened? At eleven weeks, I was in my advisor’s office and started . . . hurting. When I stood up blood was in the chair, on my pants. They—they called an ambulance. My mom came . . . She didn’t even know I was pregnant until she got to the hospital.”

I hugged myself, rubbing my arms. “They told me there was no heartbeat. It was simply gone. Someone I loved had died. Again. And just like my dad, I never even got to say goodbye. I never got to hold my baby. For weeks I grieved. I kept telling myself I’d get over you, that I’d forget about the baby.” I furiously wiped my face. “I was a walking zombie—and every time I saw you on campus with another girl, I wanted to shatter into a million pieces all over again.”