Filthy English

He exhaled and dropped his head, his hands pressing against his thighs. “God. You’re killing me.” His voice was ragged. Torn into pieces.

“I’d been careless and flighty. I made a mistake, and I promised myself I’d never do it again. My mom said it was for the best—God’s way of giving me another chance. I needed to focus on what I needed instead of what I wanted. And then—I met Hartford, and he loved me.”

A shuddering breath came out of Dax. “Fuck. I can’t take this.”

Silence grew between us, stretching all the way to the stars.

The air seemed to hold its breath, heavy and thick with emotion; me brimming with grief and him with regret. I saw it on his face as we stared at each other in the moonlight, neither of us moving, neither of us speaking.

I wanted to run into his arms and let him comfort me.

I wanted him to hold me and tell me he loved me—but he didn’t.

He never had.

I whimpered. Distance. I needed it. Now.

Moving fast, I slid past him, the grass wet beneath my bare feet. Like a statue, he didn’t move to stop me.

I slipped into the house and went back to the den. With shaking fingers, I threw a blanket from the hall closet over a still-sleeping Malcolm and went upstairs. I didn’t stop to wash my face or brush my teeth or put on nightclothes. Falling into bed, I crawled up to the pillow, tugged it into my chest, closed my eyes, and wept.

Much later, as I lay awake, my door opened and he came in. Even though my back was to the door, I knew it was Dax because my body came alive, my skin aching for his touch.

He lifted the covers, slid into the bed, and formed his body to mine. His nose pressed into my nape as his arm encircled my waist as if he never wanted to let me go. His hand slid down to mine, and I clasped it tight.

“I can’t know what you went through, but I’m here now,” he whispered.

My breath hitched; I felt leftover tears rise up again, but I swallowed them down.

He kissed my hair.

And, eventually, we slept.

Sunday dawned. Dax was gone from my bed by the time I’d gotten up around nine. Part of me was glad. The other part didn’t know what was going on.

I came downstairs after my shower and saw he’d been out already and had gotten a new coffee pot and filters along with a bag of Starbucks coffee. Another bag of pastries rested on the table. He must have been up early. I pulled out a chocolate donut and ate it while looking out at the backyard.

He knew now. He knew about the baby. He knew that I’d believed myself in love with him after three nights together. For a reason I couldn’t explain, relief filled me. The secret had been mine to carry for too long—and telling him, even if it was hard to revisit, made me feel lighter.

Malcolm and I spent the early part of the day hanging out with Lulu and getting her moved in her dorm. While Malcolm had been out of the room to get boxes from her car, I’d given her the lowdown on everything that had transpired between Dax and me.

“If living with him gets too hard, you can always apply to be my roommate next semester,” she offered as we unpacked her clothes and put them in the closet.

“I’d hate to be mean to Carla if you dumped her for me before the year is up.” Carla was her roomie and they’d been friends for a while.

She sighed. “Yeah. I keep hoping she’ll decide to move in with her boyfriend, but she hasn’t.” Her eyes narrowed in on my face. “So, just noticing here, but you seem good.”

“Malcolm is here, you are here, I’m going to graduate this year, and I have some money.”

“And you have Hartford.”

“Yes.”

Needing to change the topic, I grinned and held up a shirt with white skulls and cut-outs everywhere. “Do you really wear this to class?”

She smirked. “Of course. And tonight, I’m wearing this!” A mini tank dress appeared, dangling from her fingers. Black with red roses and pin-up girls on the material, it was, um, eye-catching.

“Nice. Where you going?”

She pouted. “Don’t you mean where are we going? Remember, it’s the day before classes and ladies’ night at Cadillac’s. It’s practically a tradition we go.”

“We went one time our sophomore year,” I said dryly.

She tsked. “And we’re going tonight, so you best find something cute and flirty and come with. I promise to buy you drinks.”

“Uh, they’re free.”

She snorted. “Okay, so I’ll trek to the bar and be your errand girl while you chat and dance—”

“There’ll be no dancing.”

“Don’t you want to wash your hair in front of everyone at Cadillac’s?” Her lips twitched.

I threw a pillow at her. “It was the best I could do!”

She laughed. “And you looked good, I swear.”

“Liar.” I smiled. “Anyway, Hartford wants to see me tonight. He had family stuff all weekend.”

She groaned. “Fine, invite Hairy. I’m desperate to get out and see everyone. Aren’t you?”

I raised a brow, thinking. “I don’t have a thing to wear.”

“Wear that silk number from London, the one that made Dax’s eyeballs pop out of his head. Maybe try some heels this time.”

“No heels. Ever.” I paused. “Besides, don’t you think a dress is too fancy for Cadillac’s?”

“Nope. Not where there’s a blue-haired British boy popping in to see us.” She squealed, her hands fluttering around. “Oh my God, I wasn’t supposed to tell you. Shit! Spider’s been texting me for days arranging to surprise Dax tonight.”