Annika couldn't tell how long she clung to the small picture frame on her bathroom floor but every minute felt like hours drenched in pain. Memories of Lizzy's birth, breastfeeding, walking, talking, laughing, and crying. Everything her memory recalled rushed to the forefront in an effort to be remembered. Even memories she'd forgotten were in there shoved their way to her consciousness. Like the first time Lizzy had chased a butterfly. The time she'd fallen from a tree and broken her arm. The late night that she'd fallen asleep in Annika's arms and Annika had let her stay there. Simple memories. Every day memories. The ones that people who had never lost a child could not possibly realize the significance of.

And then the last memory. The worst memory. The day Todd had decided to take them sledding before the lighting of the town Christmas tree. The memory of the feeling that something wasn't quite right. Todd telling her she was just being overprotective. The way Lizzy had climbed to the top of the hill for one last ride as the sun began to set down behind the mountains.

The sled veering off course and ramming right into a huge tree. The ride to the hospital with Lizzy unconscious. Hoping, praying that she would be spared. The excruciating wait in the emergency room as half a dozen doctors and nurses worked on Lizzy, put tubes into Lizzy, hooked her up to monitors that lied and told Annika that there was no more Lizzy. And finally, the numb terror that had washed over her as the doctor apologized and pronounced Lizzy brain dead. Like it was his fault. And it was his fault. His fault for not having tried hard enough. His fault for giving up so fast. His fault for not knowing enough to be able to bring Lizzy back.

The memories crashed over her in waves of despair making her want to bang her head against the floor until they stopped.

"Mom, I'm home." TJ's words pulled Annika awake. She sat up trying to catch her bearings.

"Annika?" Todd called.

Crap! Todd. She did not want him to see her like that. She quickly got to her feet. She looked like a living hangover wrapped in the stomach flu.

She raked her fingers through her hair, but it made no difference.

"Mom?" TJ knocked on the door.

"I just got out of the shower."

"I want to show you something."

"Sure baby. Let me just finish up in here."

"Okay."

"Is your dad here?"

"Yeah, he's in my room putting my stuff down."

"Okay, well, tell him he can go and I'll be out in a few. You can have some ice cream and watch a movie if you want."

"Thanks!"

She pressed her head to the door and listened to TJ's footsteps as they ran down the stairs. Todd's footsteps passed the bathroom door and she held her breath praying he would keep going.

The stairs creaked and she waited until the front door close before sliding to the floor again and taking a deep breath. She had to keep it together. There was no way she was going to let what had happened ruin TJ's Christmas.

Annika left the bathroom to find it one in the afternoon. She heard TJ talking and her heart sank. She'd thought Todd had left. She didn't have the energy to face him right then. She crept to the edge of the stairs and listened.

"Well that sucks. I was sure it would work."

Only the movie voiced a reply.

She descended several steps and peeked around the corner to see if TJ was on her phone but he wasn't. He was busy watching a movie and eating peppermint ice cream.

"Yeah. I guess we'll have to try something else," he said.

Annika stepped into the front room. "Who are you talking to?"

TJ's head whipped up and he looked like he'd just eaten an entire bag of cookies.

"Uh... The television?"

She cocked an eyebrow at him. "Seriously? That's what we're going with?" His therapist from the year before had warned her of this. "TJ, you know you can be honest with me, right?"

"Yeah."

She sat on the arm of the couch. "And you can tell me say... if you have a friend you like to talk to. Maybe a friend only you can see?"

His face lit up. "You can see her too now?"

Annika shook her head. "No Buddy, I mean you. If you have a special imaginary friend."

His expression saddened. "I don’t have an imaginary friend. I have... a friend."

"Well, as long as you realize she isn't real, it's totally fine with me."

TJ studied his bowl of ice cream for a long minute before looking up again. "She is real mom. She's been coming to talk to me for a while now. She said she wanted to talk to you but you've been so sad that you haven't been able to let her in."

"I'm good bud. I have enough friends."

"She isn't just a friend mom..." He looked up at her conflicted. "She's Lizzy."

Annika's gut twisted. No. Not TJ too. "TJ-"

He wrinkled his nose, pushing up his glasses. "I know you think I'm making it up, but I'm not. She told me how she's been trying to help you."

"TJ that's enough."

"I know you think I'm making it up but I’m not. She told me how she's been trying to help you. Like last Christmas when you couldn't find Lizzy's favorite ornament and you asked me if I took it and I said no, and you lectured me about lying and sent me to bed early. But then the next morning it was by your bed and you thanked me for returning it. I didn't do that. Lizzy took it."

"Stop." She shook her head.

"And the Christmas before when you were sad because you couldn't get my special present from Santa here on time but then on Christmas, it was sitting on our doorstep. Lizzy did that too. She brought it to you."

"Stop, TJ. Please." She couldn't do it. She couldn't take it. Not from TJ. "Lizzy is gone."

TJ put his ice cream on the coffee table and stood on the couch. He walked over to her and threw his arms around her neck.

"I know she is. But she's also still here. Helping us. Helping you. She wants you to be happy. It's why she did all those things for Jesse. To get you two together. Like the rosemary plant and helping him out the bathroom window."

Annika dared not move. Afraid that if she did she'd lose it. She'd scream at TJ and tell him how much his words tortured her. That after life there was nothing else. When people died they went away. That Lizzy wasn't out there anymore and that she wasn't coming back.

Instead, she hugged her little boy as tight as she was able. Tears flowed from her eyes and she struggled not to let him hear her cry.

"It's okay Mommy," he said. "I know you're sad. You miss her. I miss her too."

Annika's body shook with sobbing. She held him close and refused to let go. It wasn't fair for him to have to look after her like that, but at that moment, she needed him more than ever.

Jesse stared out the window overlooking the fountain in his yard and watched the snowfall in light sheets. It was Christmas Eve and he wanted nothing more than to see Annika. But she hadn't called him in over three days. He still couldn't wrap his mind around the fact that he could swear the little girl he saw was Annika's daughter. But the little girl being dead was something he couldn't understand.

"So that’s it? After all that you’re just done trying?" Carrie sauntered into the room and walked over to where he stood.

Jesse sighed. "What more is there to do? I can’t even explain what happened."

"Maybe you don’t have to explain it. Maybe you just have to believe."

He looked at her. Was she serious? "Believe what? That I’ve been talking to a ghost?"

Carrie produced a photograph from behind her back and handed it to him. "Maybe she’s not a ghost. Maybe she’s your Christmas Angel."

She kissed his cheek and left without another word. Jesse watched her go and then looked down at the photo. It was the one of Annika and himself in college. He stared at it for a minute and then looked at his laptop sitting on his desk.

He had to do something. He couldn't let Annika go again because of something he didn't even understand. He'd waited too long to be with her to allow something this... unexplainable to come between them.

He loved her. He'd always loved her, but the pain of not having her and not being able to move on was killing him. One way or the other, he had to know. He didn't want to pressure her, but he had to know if she still cared for him. Loved him. Wanted him.

Jesse walked to his desk and opened his laptop. He would give her one last try, and then... it was up to her.

Annika balanced her groceries in one hand and her keys in the other, fighting to keep herself from slipping on the icy steps.

"Mom, there's flowers on the doorstep."

Sure enough, a vase of beautiful pink tulips sat by the door. She blew out a sigh. Honestly, where the hell did he find tulips in December?

She stomped up the steps and TJ lifted the vase as she opened the door. They entered the townhouse and she set her bag on the counter.

"They're from Jesse."

She turned to see TJ reading the card. "What have I told you about going through other people's things?"

He looked at her chagrined. "I'm sorry. I just wanted to know."

She held out her hand for the card and he handed it to her and set the flowers next to the groceries.

I've loved you for almost fifteen years. If you still feel the same, you and TJ can join me for dinner tomorrow at six. My place.

Love,

Jesse

Annika stared at the card. He wanted them to come to dinner? She read and re-read the card. She hadn't talked to him since kicking him out, unable to move past what he'd told her. And TJ as well. She wasn't sure what to think or do. Part of her wanted to go. She'd missed Jesse the past few days.

"Are we going? He said I could come over and play x-box."

"TJ I’m not sure that’s such a good idea."

He sighed and pushed his glasses up his nose. "Okay. But can I tell you something without you getting mad at me?"

Annika's gut clenched. She wasn't sure how much more she could take hearing about Lizzy. "Sure."

"Even though you fight him on everything, you’ve been happier since Jesse came back to town than I’ve seen you since before Lizzy’s accident. You smile more. And you put up the Christmas decorations. You even hung Lizzy’s stocking."

Annika looked at the card again. She couldn't deny the fact that she wanted to go. Having Jesse around had made her happier, even though she hadn't realized it until that moment. She loved him. She would always love him. She just didn't know if she could...

"Why don’t you go get your jammies on and then I’ll read you a book by the tree."

TJ nodded and headed up the stairs. Annika touched the beautiful tulips conflicted.

"Where did he find tulips in December anyway? They don’t bloom until spring." TJ had stopped on the stairs to watch her.

She looked at the flowers again. They must have cost Jesse a bundle of money.

Annika opened her mouth to say something, but someone knocked on the door. She folded the card and set it on the counter. "Jammies."

TJ nodded and tromped up the stairs as Annika walked to the door. She looked through the peephole and her chest tightened. Carrie. She set her head against the door for a moment and then opened the door and smiled.

"Carrie. Hi. How are you feeling?"

"Much better, thank you."

Annika waited. "Is there something I can do for you?"

"Oh! Yes. Sorry." Carrie lifted a small bag. "I’m sorry to impose by coming by but I wasn’t able to make it to your signing and I wondered if you’d sign my books.”

It was Christmas Eve, and this was her home. But Carrie had come all that way and she'd been nothing but sweet to Annika.

“Oh man, I’m so sorry,” said Carrie. “This was wrong of me, wasn’t it? I should have called first to make sure it was all right. I’ll go.”

“Wait.” Annika pulled her thoughts together. “Come in, please.”

Carrie bit her lip, shame clouding her features. “Are you sure?”

No. “Absolutely.” She opened the door wider and waved Carrie inside.

“What a great townhouse.” Carrie took in the room.

“Thank you.” Annika closed the door. Annika grabbed a pen and headed to the living room, sitting next to Carrie on the couch.

“So, do you want me to make them out to you?”

“Please.”

She wrote an inscription to Carrie in the first one and then signed it as Carrie watched, making her nervous as it did every time she signed a book.

Annika tried to break the tension. “Do you have any plans for Christmas?”

“I’m going to go out with the guys that are in town from the team. We’ll hit a few bars. Maybe go ice-skating or catch a movie. It should be fun.”

“Sounds like it. Is Jesse going with you?” Just the sound of his name on her lips made Annika’s gut clench.

When Carrie didn’t answer Annika looked up. Carrie’s face held a confused expression. “I thought… Jesse was having dinner with you.” Her eyes darted around the apartment. “Didn’t you get the flowers?”

Annika’s hand hovered over the cover of the third book.

“You are going to dinner tomorrow, right?”

Annika finished signing the book. “I don’t know.”

She set it aside and lifted the next one and signed that one as well.

“Annika, I realize we haven’t known each other that long but I think I know you well enough to say this. I witnessed the way you looked at him, and he at you. It may have been years since you’ve seen each other but what you and Jesse have, it’s still there.”

Annika gathered up the books and tried to find something to say. She hadn't had a girlfriend to talk to in so many years that she wasn't sure how to respond.

Carrie took the novels and stood. “I didn't come here to sell you on him, I promise, but I just want to say this and then I'll leave you to your Christmas Eve. Jesse’s one of the best guys I’ve ever met. It would be a shame to see you lose him again.”

"Unfortunately, you haven't been told the whole story."

Carrie nodded. "Maybe not, but what I know is, I've never seen two people who have been apart for almost fifteen years have the kind of chemistry the two of you do. And to be honest I've never seen a guy turn down as many offers from women as he has because they couldn't live up to the memory of the one and only woman he ever loved." Carrie pulled on her gloves and smiled. “Well. I’m sorry I imposed on you. Thank you for signing my books. Next week we need to grab lunch.”

Annika put the cap on her pen and nodded. “I’d like that.”

“Me too. I’ve heard so much about you I feel like we’re already family.” Carrie opened the door and waved. “Merry Christmas.”

Annika watched Carrie close the door, frozen in her spot on the couch.

"Mom, can we make dinner now?"

Annika turned and smiled at TJ in his dinosaur pjs. "Of course sweetie."