Chapter 19
‘Have you thought any more about Mum’s suggestion that you should stay on?’ Jamie asked me a couple of days later while we were checking out the stable block on the pretence of planning out the conversion. In reality we were searching for Angus’s hiding place for the mysterious packages that were still turning up, and getting alarmingly bigger.
‘She didn’t specifically identify me,’ I reminded him as we looked behind and under things in vain. ‘Where on earth is he putting them all?’
‘No,’ he agreed, ignoring my attempt to change the subject. ‘But it was obvious that she meant you, Anna. She can’t possibly have meant anyone else.’
I knew he was right, of course, but I was trying not to think about it all just now, not when I had the rigours of my first Christmas back in the real world to contend with first.
‘Anna!’ said Jamie, much louder this time.
‘What?’ I gasped, spinning round to face him. ‘Have you found something?’
‘No,’ he said, shoving aside a straw bale. ‘I thought I had, but suddenly I’m not so sure.’
‘What are you talking about?’
‘You,’ he said accusingly. ‘What’s with you at the moment?’
He sounded almost cross, certainly impatient, and I wasn’t really sure that I had done anything to justify his obvious annoyance.
‘Nothing,’ I shrugged, pulling my ponytail over my shoulder. ‘I thought you’d be happy that I’d helped you find a solution to your doubts about taking this place on.’
‘I am.’
‘Then why are you snapping my head off? I’m just trying to do my job. Your mum’s really worried Angus is up to something, and in case you – and everyone else for that matter – have forgotten, the whole point of me actually being here is to help her, in whatever way I can.’
‘But what about you?’
‘What about me?’
I still couldn’t get my head around the fact that he hadn’t worked out that my life was all about worrying more about other people than myself. Helping and supporting other people was the thing that paid my wages, so I couldn’t just nudge myself to the top of my priorities list whenever I felt like it.
‘You’re being offered a future here,’ Jamie said, his tone softer. ‘Some real security and the chance to be a part of a family. A family who thinks a hell of a lot of you.’
I fiddled with my hair again and looked out of the high window at the bare branches of the trees beyond. I couldn’t shake off the feeling of déjà vu. After Mum had gone I had had this ‘family’ carrot dangled under my nose on a previous occasion and couldn’t deny that what had happened then was having an impact on my ability to make a decision this time around.
‘And not just for Christmas,’ he continued. ‘This could be for ever, Anna. I thought that was something you were beginning to accept you might actually want, as opposed to this nomadic life you are currently living.’
‘It is,’ I said quietly, my shoulders sagging and ridiculous, unwanted tears springing to my eyes. I realised if I couldn’t pluck up the courage to try and trust again, I was in danger of losing far more than just my Christmas bonus. ‘I am.’
How could I explain to him that I was absolutely terrified of getting it wrong? Terrified that if I turned them down and left, as I had originally planned to, that by the end of January I would regret what I had done, but not know how to make my way back? And also terrified that if I said yes, I would perhaps find the Connelly family too claustrophobic or, more honestly, my feelings towards Jamie would get in the way and stop me doing my job properly. The kids he was planning to help didn’t deserve that. They were entitled to the very best support they could get, and if I messed up I certainly wouldn’t be the person capable of giving them that.
I couldn’t believe that what was supposed to be the usual Christmas contract had turned into something so potentially life-changing – or, more in line with what I was feeling in that very moment, life-destroying. When had it all started to fall apart? Was it the moment Hayley showed me to my room and my head was filled with thoughts of Mum, the second I turned the handle on the music box or the instant my eyes met those of the man standing in front of me?
‘Look,’ said Jamie, taking a deep breath and a step closer. ‘Let’s get this sorted right now, shall we?’
‘But I still haven’t made up my mind,’ I faltered. ‘I still don’t know what to say.’
‘I know you don’t,’ he said, reaching out, his hands finding my waist as he quickly pulled me towards him. ‘But I’m kind of hoping this might help you decide.’
I could feel the heat from his hands through my shirt and before I had a chance to protest he had lifted my chin and lowered his lips to mine. The kiss began tenderly enough but the second our tongues touched Jamie let out a low moan and the fireworks started. As one we fell back onto the straw bales. His body felt hard on top of mine and our hands were as urgent as our mouths. Blazing kisses made a trail from my jaw to my breasts and I wrapped my legs around him, pulling him even closer as I arched my back to meet him.
‘I knew,’ he gasped, struggling to pull my shirt out of my jeans, ‘that first moment I saw you in the kitchen.’
The image came back to me with alarming clarity. I had been wearing my work uniform, my go-to professional outfit. Work, I reminded myself.
‘Don’t,’ I said, the bubble suddenly bursting and my legs loosening their grip as common sense kicked in. ‘Don’t say it.’
‘Why not?’ he groaned, kissing me again, as his hands worked their way beneath my clothes. ‘I mean it, Anna. I’ve fallen—’
‘No!’ I said, louder this time and forcefully pushing him away.
He rocked back and straightened up, looking down at me as I scrambled to sit up.
‘I know you feel the same,’ he said, the heat still in his eyes and his breathing shallow in his chest. ‘Don’t you?’
‘No,’ I said, looking everywhere but at him as I readjusted my clothes and checked my hair for tell-tale strands of straw. ‘I don’t know. I’m not sure.’
Almost every part of me was thrilled and flattered that Jamie Connelly lusted after and possibly even loved me, every bit as much as I lusted after and loved him, but what if starting up with him ended as quickly as it had begun? Were the feelings I thought I had for him worth risking the future I was being offered by his family? If our relationship turned out to be just a fling then I would have to leave after it was flung, and if by then I’d set my heart on staying I didn’t think I would be able to bear it. After all, my heart had been compromised before and look how that had turned out. The outcome might not have been my fault but the heartbreak was still mine to carry around.
‘What is it that you want, Anna?’ Jamie asked.
He sounded as confused as I felt.
‘I’m sorry,’ I told him, ‘but right now I have absolutely no idea.’
I guess deep down I wanted to have my cake and eat it. I wanted Jamie and the family and the dream job. I wanted the fairy-tale ending, but fairy-tale endings didn’t happen to girls like me. A second-time-around family had turned out all wrong, so why would it be third time lucky?
Jamie didn’t say anything but went back to searching for the parcels his father was proving so adept at hiding.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said again, pulling the emotion out of my tone and trying to sound more in control than I felt. ‘The last thing I want is for you to think I’m messing you around.’
‘I don’t,’ he said, turning back to me and pulling a strand of straw that I had missed out of my ponytail. ‘It’s fine. I should never have kissed you – it was completely inappropriate.’
He was right, it was. It was the most unprofessional few seconds I had ever encountered in my entire career, but it was also the most thrilling. Just the thought of his weight on top of me sent shivers up and down my spine and made me want to risk doing it all over again. And more.
‘But if you knew,’ he continued, looking at me just a little too intently, ‘if you really knew how hard it is for me to keep my hands off you. How hard it’s been for me ever since that moment you walked into the kitchen the first day I was back.’
I wished he’d stop saying ‘hard’. The word was doing nothing to strengthen my resolve to keep the tiny distance there was between us. I opened my mouth to admit that I really did feel the same way but changed my mind at the last moment.
‘Look,’ I said instead. ‘It isn’t that I’m not flattered.’
Jamie narrowed his eyes.
‘But?’
‘But I have to look at the bigger picture,’ I swallowed. ‘My professionalism is on the line here. I’ve worked for years to build up my reputation and I can’t afford to jeopardise it, just on a . . .’
‘On a what?’ he frowned.
I opened my mouth to answer but was distracted by a sound from below. Jamie took the opportunity to cut in.
‘I do get that you’re scared,’ he said, taking a step back as someone began to climb the ladder to the hayloft, ‘but I just wanted you to know how I really feel about you. I thought it might help you make up your mind. That it might make all the difference, you know?’
‘I’m sorry Jamie,’ I said huskily. ‘But I just can’t take the risk.’
I didn’t have time to think about what he might have said to that because Angus’s head popped up comically through the hatch. Jamie might have kissed me with the intention of showing his true feelings but I was relieved to have nipped the steamy moment in the bud, even if it was belatedly.
‘I thought I heard voices,’ smiled my employer. ‘Is everything all right?’
‘Yes, Dad,’ Jamie sighed as he surreptitiously checked his own hair for stray straw. ‘Everything’s fine. We were just checking out the space up here, trying to get a feel for how it would work when it’s converted into bedrooms.’
Angus nodded and we all looked around. There was certainly enough room for four or five small bedrooms, assuming permission was granted for the conversion and research proved there was a demand for such a charity. Personally I had no doubts at all that it was a fantastic idea, but I also knew it would take a lot of logistical untangling, planning and managing. It didn’t take much for me to imagine myself standing next to Jamie and helping to run the place.
‘It’s perfect really, isn’t it?’ said Angus as he struggled to his feet and strode about, pacing out the space. ‘Especially with the stables down below. That double stall at the far end would make a cracking games room if it was cleared out.’
‘And there you’ve hit the nail on the head, Dad,’ said Jamie sternly. It sounded very much as if his frustration with me was now being directed at his father.
‘What do you mean?’
‘All that junk you’ve accumulated from car boot sales—’
‘Junk!’ Angus shot back, sounding outraged.
‘Yes, Dad,’ Jamie frowned, shaking his head. ‘Junk. It will all have to go.’
Angus puffed out his cheeks and his shoulders slumped.
‘I suppose it’s about time I had a good clear-out,’ he relented a little sulkily as he looked out of the window at the set of stocks I had spotted the very first day I arrived. ‘Perhaps we could have a sale?’ he suggested, sounding much more like his old self. ‘And any money raised could form the beginnings of the charity fund.’
‘I think it’s going to take more than a few quid raised from passing on a load of old tat, Dad,’ said Jamie without thinking.
‘But it’s a great suggestion,’ I quickly cut in before Angus felt mortally offended or was put off the idea and jumped to working out how he could squeeze everything into the already packed loft rooms in the hall.
‘Yes I suppose it is,’ said Jamie a little begrudgingly as he finally caught my meaningful stare. ‘It would be one way to kick-start the project and generate some publicity.’
‘Perhaps the radio would feature us,’ said Angus wistfully, looking into the middle distance, ‘or even the local TV!’
‘Well,’ said Jamie uncertainly, ‘I’m not sure about that.’
‘And I bet there’s some real gems hidden here and about,’ said Angus, his eyes lighting up even brighter. ‘I bet the guy who does those quirky features for the BBC would love to come and have a look.’
Personally I wasn’t quite so convinced, but it sounded like Angus had found a new pet project, and if it took his focus away from the town sleigh, even if just for a while, then I was more than happy for him to let his imagination run away with him.
The air between Jamie and me was a little frosty after our intimate encounter, but with Angus none too keen on the idea of the pair of us sorting through the junk/gems in some of the stables, and us having made a calculated guess that that was most likely where the parcels were hidden, we had agreed to stick together and muddle on, even if we were back to working on a more formal footing.
That evening, after watching the hilarious US festive film Deck the Halls, we decided that we would leave Angus to his own devices for now. We also decided that, with Christmas creeping closer every day, we would have to put the charity plans on the back burner until the New Year, along with my decision about whether I should stay or go.
‘I’m sorry about earlier,’ Jamie mumbled as we walked back to our neighbouring bedrooms that night. ‘I don’t know why I got it into my head that telling you how I feel and kissing you like that would help.’
‘Well, no harm done,’ I shrugged, trying to make light of what had happened, even though I hadn’t been able to think of anything else.
‘But for a minute there,’ he reminded me, making me turn as crimson as Santa’s trousers, ‘you weren’t exactly fighting me off.’
‘Well of course I wasn’t,’ I laughed, rolling my eyes and shaking my head with the intention of convincing him that it was no big deal. ‘You’re a handsome guy, James Connelly, and a girl knows a good thing when it’s pressed up against her.’
The connotation made me flush even redder, but it seemed to do the trick. Jamie laughed along with me and I carried on, keen to hammer home the point.
‘And having seen you kiss Hayley under the mistletoe I was kind of expecting you’d work your way to me, to be honest.’
‘But that wasn’t how it was at all,’ he interrupted as the laughter died on his lips. ‘I meant every word of what I said, or what I was trying to say.’
‘Well, whatever,’ I smiled. ‘A single girl has to make the most of every mistletoe moment that comes her way at this time of year.’
I was trying to diffuse the tension, but Jamie’s embarrassed expression suggested I had failed miserably.
‘Do you really mean that, Anna?’
‘Of course,’ I lied.
‘Well in that case,’ he shrugged, turning as red as I had been just seconds before, ‘we really won’t say another word about it.’
His abrupt ending to the conversation left me in no doubt that he really had got the message, and been hurt in the process, and although I regretted having to deceive him, and myself, I knew deep down that it was all for the best.