My grandmother was probably somewhere around five-one or five-two before she started shrinking, so now she hovers in the vicinity of four-feet-ten-inches tall. She looks sweet and harmless, but she has a tongue like a viper, a taste for whiskey, and a raunchy sense of humor that makes my mother cringe. I adore her. So the next day I called her and picked her up for an ice cream outing and to go see a psychic/medium to help me figure out how to banish Cezar permanently.

Being Irish, Grandma Burke had a healthy respect for all things paranormal. I knew if I told her I had a pesky spirit hanging around she’d be on board.

“How have you been?” I asked her, as we sat down in Mitchell’s ice cream parlor with our sundaes. Yum. Caramel sauce on local ice cream. Couldn’t get any better than that. Oh wait, yes it could. Add Spanish peanuts.

Grandma had a scoop of chocolate with a halo of whipped cream on it. She plucked her cherry off and dangled it in the air. She’d just gotten a perm this week and her hair was tight and immobile. I was dreading the day she left us, but I figured we had a few years still.

“I’ve been bleaching the altar lace for the church. Did a cross stitch for your sister’s new baby. Had lunch with the girls. The usual. My corns are bothering me, but that’s how it goes.”

“The girls” were her group of widow friends. They had all outlived their husbands by a decade or more, and liked to go gambling together at the casino downtown. “Nice. Well, aside from the corns. I’m going to see Jen in February.”

“How’s the man?” she asked, her expression far too gleeful. “Why don’t you bring Jake around the house?”

Because by the house she meant my parents’ house, which was where she lived, and I didn’t want my mother to have a crack at Marner. She might scare him off with her interrogation tactics. “Because Mom will grill him.” I could be honest with my grandmother. I shoved another mouthful of ice cream past my lips.

The dairy was compensation for a lack of sexy times the night before. Marner and I had lost the vibe, given what Cezar had said. There was no telling when the liar might decide to crash our private party.

“You’re too old to be afraid of your mother.”

“I’m not afraid of her,” I protested. “I just don’t want to be embarrassed.”

“Are you sleeping with Jake?” she asked. “Because if you are, you might as well bring him to dinner.”

“I’m not answering that.”

“That’s an answer right there.” She gave me a shrewd look. “Don’t be stupid and get pregnant.”

“Like ever? Or just today?”

She smacked my hand. “Smart aleck. You know what I mean. You want to know when you get married that a man wants you, not a family he got surprised with.”

That was a sobering thought. It freaked me out to think about procreation. “I’m not ready for kids. I’m not even ready for marriage.” I was ready for this conversation to be over though. “So I need to see a psychic about a thing. Will you come with me?”

Grandma Burke didn’t miss a beat. “Sure. What do you need to know?”

“I have this ghost hanging around my house and I don’t want him there. I want to ask how to block him or get rid of him.”

“Gotcha.” Grandma nodded and tucked her spoon back into her chocolate ice cream.

I loved this woman.

---

If I was expecting to see a Romanian gypsy woman in a turban behind a velvet curtain (which I was, let’s be honest) I was totally disappointed. She didn’t even have the title “Madam” before her name, which was at least old-world sounding. Vanda Ungureanu had an actual storefront that could have doubled as a reception area for an upscale salon. There was an attractive woman with dark hair who checked me in for my appointment and offered me sparkling water or coffee. Acoustic guitar music was playing softly and the décor was bohemian, but not kitschy.

It wasn’t until she actually came around the desk and held her hand out that I realized the receptionist was actually Vanda, the medium. She looked more like a makeup blogger than a kooky psychic. A Chihuahua came running up to me from a back room, followed closely by another one. They both barked at me like I was Satan come to shit in their food bowl. My grandmother said, “What are those, rats?”

I turned and shot her a look of warning. She knew full well they were dogs. I squatted down and held my hand out. “Hi there, cuties, how are you?”

“Sorry,” Vanda said, reaching down and scooping one up in each hand. “They’re dicks, but I love them.”

They were actually really cute now that they had stopped barking. Their ears were up and they quivered with curiosity. They were so little I couldn’t help but be charmed. I liked that Vanda’s office was so chic and clean but that she wasn’t pretentious. She was a little intimidating though, with the perfect makeup and the extensive jewelry. “I love animals,” I said. “They’re adorable.”

“Come on back,” she said. “Have a seat. Don’t mind all the crap. I was just shooting some promo for my social media.”

She had a jewel-toned carpet laid out on a table in the corner, with some tarot cards. It was clearly meant for a photo, not actual use. “Great, thanks. It’s okay if my grandmother is here, right?”

“Of course. Unless she’s Russian. I can’t stand Russians.”

I paused, not sure if she was serious or not. “No, not at all. She’s Irish.”

“Awesome. I’ve always liked potatoes.”

“I hate them,” Grandma Burke said. “Too much starch, kills my stomach. Besides, you ever hear of seasoning? I grew up with plain boiled potatoes, just salted. Nasty stuff.”

Vanda nodded. “They’re really best as fries.”

“Amen,” said Grandma.

I took a seat at the circular table. It had four chairs around it. Vanda took one opposite me and I gave Grandma a hand as she sunk down next to me. She looked like a little kid on a bus seat, her feet dangling above the ground. “Do you need a stepstool?” I teased her.

“Hush.”

“So what’s going on?” Vanda asked, adjusting her bracelets.

“I have this ghost who won’t go away. I mean, he pops in whenever he feels like it. A few months ago, I had another guy show up, but he was pretty respectful. He didn’t go into my bedroom. This guy just does whatever he feels like.”

“That’s rude,” Grandma said. “Can’t Jake tell him off?”

“Jake can’t see him. Only I can. Which is a problem.” I fiddled with the tablecloth in front of me. “I did manage to make him leave yesterday, but I think that was a fluke. I want him to go away and not come back.” That comment about my, ahem, skills, had been crossing a big fat line.

“So he’s not a residual? He’s intelligent?”

I gave a snort. “Well, that’s debatable.” I crossed my legs in my gorgeous flare-legged jeans with a deconstructed hem. The feel was like butter and I rubbed my hands down them as I continued. I knew that wasn’t what Vanda meant. “But yes, he is intelligent, in that he is a cognizant spirit who is aware of space and time and speaks to me.”

“Believe it or not, those are the easy ones to vanquish.” She picked up one of the dogs, the one with dark fur, and held it on her lap. “First, you need to smudge. Do you know what that is?”

“It’s what the kids these days do,” Grandma said.

“No, that’s smoosh,” I told her. “But some probably do smudge.” That might be the kinky Cezar was hinting at.

“Smudging is using herbs to cleanse the home of unwanted spirits,” Vanda said. “But keep in mind, you toss the baby out with the freaking bath water. You’ll get rid of good spirits too.”

Well, hell. I didn’t want to force Ryan into another dimension. “Hmm. Any other options?”

“You can ask them to leave. Just a “hey, could you bounce?” If that doesn’t work, you can order them to leave. Don’t yell or whatever, just be like, “You need to leave. You’re not welcome here. I command you to go.”

That sounded easy enough and like what I had done to Cezar the day before. “And they won’t come back?”

Vanda shrugged. “They might if they’re a little bitch of a spirit.”

That summed up Cezar Wozniak. “So then what?”

“Banishing spell. But you need someone to do that for you. I wouldn’t jerk around with that myself if I were you.”

That sounded promising. Not. “Can you do it?”

“No, but I know someone. My grandmother. She won’t take any crap off spirits.”

“Perfect.” I had a vague feeling that I might somehow inadvertently open the bowels of hell in my living room, or explode my adorable Victorian house entirely, but maybe it wouldn’t come to that. I would command Cezar to leave first.

The Chihuahua yapped at me, as if to indicate she was in agreement. “Do you want a tarot reading?” Vanda asked.

“So you can tell me I have corns, I’m a widow, and I’m on borrowed time?” my grandmother asked, practically rolling her eyes. “No thanks, I’ve figured that all out on my own.”

Vanda grinned. “Smart lady.”

“I think she was talking to me, Grandma,” I said. I didn’t really want a tarot reading, because it scared the pants off me, but at the same time I was intensely curious what she would say.

“You want a reading?”

I mentally wrestled with myself before shaking my head no. “No thank you, I’m good.”

She gave another shrug in total nonchalance. “Fine. Just remember the owls are not really owls.”

Um…I had no clue what that meant. “Excuse me?”

“The owls are not really owls. Remember that.”

Sure. “Got it.”

After a few more minutes of chatting and petting the dogs, Grandma and I left, while I was debating how to be firm with Cezar. The right language needed to be used to get my point across to him. I was so preoccupied when we stepped outside that it took me a second to realize a man had slid right beside me.

“What—”

My grandmother gave a cry of dismay as I turned and saw Daniel Wozniak gripping her arm tightly. “What are you doing?” I asked shrilly, in total shock. “Let go of my grandmother!”

The look on his face scared me. This was not the friendly face that had been smiling at me in my foyer. This was a desperate man. He had sweat on his forehead and bags under his eyes. He leaned closer to me. “Shut up,” he murmured. “Now follow me or I’m going to stick this knife in the old lady.”

Holy crap, he had a knife. I could just see the gleam of the blade in the sun. It was early afternoon and we were on a main street. I didn’t think that he would stab Grandma Burke in cold blood with a dozen witnesses around, but I wasn’t about to risk it. “Calm down, Daniel. What do you want?”

This was nuts. The Wozniaks were a bunch of crazy people.

“I want the money. I know you took it from the storage unit.” He gestured for us to turn into an alley where there was a dumpster for the Chinese restaurant located next to Vanda’s spiritual mediumship office. “Get behind the dumpster.” He shoved Grandma, who stumbled.

“Hey!” I snapped. “Leave her alone! She has nothing to do with this.”

“Who is this turkey?” Grandma asked.

I almost wanted to laugh at that. She didn’t look scared, fortunately, just pissed off. “This is a client’s son, who apparently thinks I have money I don’t.” I had to admit, I was floored. I had thought Daniel was the good son. Clearly not.

He raised the knife off of the small of Grandma’s back and waved it at me. The gesture made his sleeve raise and I saw he had a tattoo of an owl on his forearm. What the…

Vanda’s words popped into my head.

The owls are not really owls.

Daniel was the owl, which meant he wasn’t really a good guy. Dang. I wish I had known that ten minutes sooner. I had a horrible sinking feeling. “Did you lock me in the storage unit? Or was that Slade?”

His breath was hot on my face. “It was me. I thought you were working with my dad before he died and that you were there to get the money. I figured if you were dead I could slip in and take the money, but then you got out and the money is gone. So you’re the only one who could have taken it besides Eddie, and I have no chance of getting it out of him.”

“I don’t have it either.” I leaned away from Daniel. My grandmother was actually inching her way toward the end of the alley. She hadn’t made a lot of progress, but I knew she couldn’t exactly run either. I just wanted her out of swinging range if he decided to start slashing with that knife. I gestured with my hand for her to keep moving toward the street.

I had a sneaking suspicion I knew why Daniel looked so crazed. “Do you need a fix, is that what’s going on here?” A criminal was frightening enough. A drug addict in need of a high was downright terrifying. “I have sixty bucks in my wallet. I’ll give it to you if you take a step back and let me pull it out.”

My heart was hammering in my chest. I cursed the fact that my phone was in my purse and not my pants pocket.

“I’ll take it but I need real money. There was three million bucks in that storage unit and it’s going to be weeks before I get the insurance from my father.”

Uh-oh. He wasn’t exactly sounding busted up over Cezar’s death. “Did you kill Cezar?”

The look on his face told the truth. A flicker of something—guilt?—flashed in his eyes. “No. Kenny did. Don’t change the subject. Where is the damn money?” His voice had risen in an angry panic.

For a second I almost felt bad for Cezar that his son, who he thought was such a model citizen, had hired a petty criminal to bump him off, but then I remembered what a jerk Cezar was. You reap what you sow. In this case, like father, like son. “I have no idea. I didn’t look for it. All I know is that it’s in aerosol cans. Lubricant.” I figured there was no point in keeping Cezar’s secret. Hell, he wanted Daniel to have the money anyway. Or at least he had before he found out it was Daniel’s fault he was dead.

But as far as I was concerned, I was out. I owed no one in this lunatic family a damn thing. My only priority was keeping my grandmother safe.

There was no way for me to shift around Daniel without risking him sticking me with a blade. My back was against the bricks. “Does your brother know you killed your father? Is Slade in on this?”

There it was again. A stricken look. “Shut up.”

I’d take that as a no.

“Little bastard,” Cezar breathed, popping up beside me. “After everything I did for this kid.”

He looked stricken, but I wasn’t about to feel bad for him. A jerk had raised a couple of jerks. What a shock.

I was about to scream for Grandma to run when I realized that I could hear sirens closing in on us. Daniel heard it too. He shot a glance toward the street. An ambulance screeched to a halt. Grandma was fast walking down the alley straight to the vehicle. “Help, here!” she yelled.

“Shit.” Daniel shoved me, slamming my bad shoulder into the wall, making me see stars.

Then he was gone in the opposite direction. For a second the pain was so pronounced I thought I was going to lose my lunch all over the alley, but I took a deep breath and swallowed hard.

“She’s over here,” my grandmother said, leading EMTs to me.

“How did you get help?” I asked her, totally bewildered. I was supposed to save her, not the other way around.

She pulled out her Med Alert necklace. “I pushed the button. Easy as pie. Your father makes me wear this dumb thing, I might as well put it to good use.”

That was genius. “You rock, Grandma.” I was hunched over, trying not to succumb to the pain. I could tell my shoulder was back out of the socket.

But we were safe and I didn’t imagine it would be difficult for the police to find Daniel and pick him up for questioning.

“That putz should know better than to mess with an Irish granny.”

“I’m sure he knows that now.”

Cezar was still pacing back and forth beside me. “This is crap. I just got a text that I have to go. I’ve been called back. I don’t want to leave. I need to talk to Daniel, sort all this out.”

Okay, I admit it, despite everything he had done, I still felt a twinge of sympathy for him. “I’m not sure what you could say to him,” I murmured under my breath. My grandmother wasn’t paying attention, busy reprimanding the EMT for not being fast enough.

“Why would I get sent up now?” Cezar sounded bereft.

“Maybe the lesson for you is that you can’t raise your kids on a life of crime and expect they will end up morally intact.” It seemed like a decent guess to me.

Cezar glared at me. “Thanks for your opinion, Miss Priss, you cop-loving bitch.”

And sympathy gone. I immediately vowed to assist the police in convicting Daniel on any and everything possible.

When the EMT came over and started asking me questions I ignored Cezar and let the man lead me to the ambulance.

But I felt a shove in my bad shoulder, causing me to cry out in pain. Turning, I saw Cezar smirking. The jerk had used his last seconds on earth to smack his spiritual medium. Nice. Like father, like son.

“Give her the good drugs,” Grandma said. “She’s in a lot of pain.” She winked at me.

“Who does that dog belong to?” the EMT asked, pointing to a chihuahua barking at the top of his little lungs.

“I think that’s Vanda’s dog,” I said, gesturing with my good arm to the storefront we were passing.

The dog had run up to a potted plant and was barking hysterically. Daniel was hiding behind the bush. Really? Not exactly a genius move. “There’s the guy who attacked me!” I yelled. “His name is Daniel Wozniak.”

“That’s him!” Grandma confirmed.

Vanda appeared in the doorway. “What the hell? Get him, Minnie, bite his ass!”

Minnie the Chihuahua peed on his leg as he tried to crawl away.

“Good dog,” I said. Even though a Great Dane doing the same would have been more satisfying, I’d take it.

Chalk one up to karma.