As soon as the door closed behind Dimitri, Becca slid off the counter and landed in the floor, her emotions all over the place.
What the ever-loving fuck had just happened?
The beginning of us?
Her fingers went to her lips, feeling the bruised, swollen skin. If he didn’t call what he just did to her fucking, then he was out of his damned mind. He’d fucked her over, but good. Her body hummed, ached in such a delicious way.
What the hell had she just done?
Her head landed in her hands, and she struggled to come to terms with what she’d not only let him do, but how he’d done it. The man turned into one of those dominant males she’d only read about, and her body had responded like a well-oiled, responsive little traitor. She mentally slapped herself.
Who was this man, and what had he done with her best friend?
A loud knock sounded. “Five minutes or I’m coming in to get you!”
Shit. She jumped up, banging her elbow on the counter in her haste. Wincing, she found her Led Zeppelin t-shirt and pulled it over her head. The fucker. How dare he? He couldn’t just do…do…that, and then not give her time to process. The longer she thought about it, the madder she became.
Asshole.
She wiggled into her purple shorts and stomped out of the bathroom, expecting to see him in the front room of the suite, but found the balcony doors open instead. The scent of lasagna hit her nose and her stomach grumbled, reminding her she hadn’t eaten in hours.
He was sitting at the small table outside, his expression pained as he swallowed medicine. Some of her anger waned as her best friend mode kicked in. He was obviously in a lot of pain, but she pushed it down. What he had just done was not okay.
“Dimitri.”
He looked up, flashing her his one-hundred-watt smile. She ignored it, placed her hands on her hips, and let him have it. “How dare you! You had no right to come in there and do that. I told you over and over we would never have a sexual relationship, and you completely ignored my wishes. It is not okay. When a woman says no, she means no. I am not one of your women, Dimitri, and I never will be.”
“No, Krasivaya, you are not one of my women and never will be.” He gestured to the empty seat across from him, a Styrofoam box waiting for her on the table. When she hesitated, he gave her his shy smile, one she hadn’t seen since high school. “Sit, please. I’m not going to jump you, I promise.”
What game was he playing now? She was so done with this shit. “No. I’m not going to sit like a good little girl, asshole. What you did…”
“Was exactly what we both wanted, and you know it.” He cut her off, his tone becoming frosty. “If you had wanted me to stop, I would have. I am not the kind of man to force himself on you. You loved what happened in there. You just don’t want to admit it because you’re scared of how it made you feel. You fucking loved it, Becca. Don’t play the coward or the self-righteous bigot.”
“I am not a coward.” She was playing the self-righteous card, though. It gave her something to hold onto, but she’d never been able to fool Dimitri any more than he could her. She hated him for it sometimes.
“No?” He cocked his head. “Then why are you lying to not only yourself, but to me? Just admit you liked what happened in that bathroom. Admit you liked my hands on you. My mouth all over your sweet pussy, my fingers buried deep inside while I kissed you. Admit it, Rebecca.”
He’d stood and stalked her, each word like a bullet lancing through her. He pushed her up against the French door, her body caged in by his. She wasn’t afraid despite the anger rolling off him. Dimitri would never hurt her, no matter how pissed he was, and boy, was he mad. His whole body vibrated with anger.
He wanted her to ’fess up to liking what he’d done to her, to how he’d made her feel while he’d told her exactly what to do. Hell’s bells. She didn’t even want to admit to herself how much she liked it.
His lips found her jawline and she shuddered, still completely raw from before. His idea of warfare was so unfair.
“Admit it.”
“Yes, asshole, I liked it.” She despised the way her voice betrayed how much she liked it, and in retaliation, she hauled off and kneed him. Hard.
He let out a cry that probably woke half the neighbors, but he staggered away from her, his hand cupping the family jewels.
“What the fuck did you do that for?” He wheezed the words out, his timbre going a little high.
“Because you fucking deserved it.” She bypassed him and sat at the table, the smell delicious. “You decided for me that’s what I wanted. No one has that right. Doesn’t matter how much I liked it, you can’t do that.”
He waddled over to his own chair and sank down, his hands still busy trying to rub the sting out of his dick.
“You’re right,” he said after a few minutes. “I don’t have that right. Not yet, anyway.”
Her eyes narrowed. What did he mean, not yet?
“Do you like Olive Garden?”
The abrupt switch in conversation threw her. He sounded calmer, more like the Dimitri she knew and less like the asshole who always got what he wanted.
“Never tried it.”
“What? You’ve never eaten at Olive Garden? Endless soups and salads and the breadsticks. Oh, my God. I could live on their breadsticks!”
“I take it you have?” He was up to something, but what?
Dimitri grinned. “Granted, it’s not the same as going to one of the Italian restaurants where the recipes have been passed down generation to generation, but the OG will do in a pinch. Food is good, breadsticks are amazing. I got you lasagna.” He reached over and opened the Styrofoam lid, letting the smell tickle her nose.
He saw the caution in her expression as she tried to figure out what his angle was. While he’d expected some resistance, he’d never once thought she’d fucking haul off and kick him in the balls. His dick was still screaming in pain, but it was all he could do to keep from laughing. He had deserved it, but he’d never admit it.
Laughing would be bad right now. She was pissed enough as it was. “I know you like lasagna, so stop staring at me like I’m Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. The colder it gets, the worse it’ll taste.”
“There’s a microwave.” She didn’t so much as make a move toward her plastic silverware. “What is going on, Dimitri?”
Dimitri set his own fork down and looked at her. “I want you. Plain and simple.”
“But I can’t be one of your women, D. It would destroy me.”
The hurt and insecurity in that declaration made his heart twist. He scooted his chair over next to hers and pulled her chair so they were facing each other. His legs had been through all they could take right now, but he needed his hands on her, needed her to know he meant what he was about to say.
“I don’t want that, Becca. I want a real relationship with you. I want you to be the first person I see when I wake up and the last person I see when I go to sleep. You’re the only woman I want.”
“For how long, though?” She ducked her head. “When you get bored, you’ll move on. I know you, Dimitri. I know how easily you get distracted and lose interest. I can’t…no, I won’t do that to myself.”
He tipped her head up to look at him. “Have I ever gotten bored with you in all the years we’ve known each other?”
“I don’t know.” Her brown eyes were fathomless. “I’m not around you all the time. We only chat on the phone or through text messages. You’ve never had the chance to be bored with me.”
“I’ll give you that, sweetheart, but only that. Here’s what I do know. You are the only person I have to talk to every day. In all the years we’ve been friends, when have I not called or texted each and every single day? Do you know why that is, Becca?”
“Why?” she whispered, her teeth biting her lower lip.
“Because I can’t sleep if I don’t talk to you, I can’t write. Hell, I can’t function without hearing all that sass from you at least once during the day. You’re the only woman who’s ever done that to me. I love you, Becca. Is it the love I write about? I don’t know, but I want the chance to see if that’s what this is. I know I’m an asshole, a manwhore, and have always been proud of it, but this manwhore wants the chance to try for happiness with the one person who means more to me than anyone. Will you try, Krasivaya? Please?”
“Who are you, and what have you done with Dimitri?”
He laughed, but he knew she was serious. “I’ve always loved you, Becca. Probably since that first day I saw you skulking in the back of the library.”
“I wasn’t skulking.” Pulling her food to her, she picked up her fork and stabbed at the rapidly cooling food.
“Yes, you were.” He winked at her. “I liked it, though. You intrigued me.”
“Only because I didn’t fall all over myself trying to get your attention. You had enough of that from the idiot girls who batted their lashes and threw their boobs in your face every time you passed by them. No, thank you. I have more self-respect than that.”
“That’s why I liked you. You were a challenge. If not for me talking to you in Russian every day, I think you would have ignored me completely.”
“Probably, or I would have told Jackson you were bothering me and he’d have had someone come beat the shit out of you.”
“He wouldn’t have done it personally?” Dimitri twirled some of the pasta onto his fork, grateful she started to relax.
She laughed, a full-on belly laugh. “You wouldn’t have been worth his time. One of his lackeys would have handled it.”
“Not worth his time?” He pouted, plastering on his best outraged expression. “I was the captain of the fucking football team.”
“Football is not God in an MC.” She smiled, and he let out a breath he wasn’t even aware he’d been holding. Relaxed, she’d be willing to talk out this thing between them.
“Then what is?”
“You don’t want to know.” She bit off a piece of bread and sighed. “These are good.”
“Told you so.” He picked up his container and inhaled the delicious aroma.
They ate quietly, and it was that comfortable silence he’d never found with any other woman. He simply enjoyed being in Becca’s presence. It had nothing to do with his dick and that bastard’s lust-filled thoughts. No, it was just Becca. Her personality, her kindness, her wicked humor. She soothed him.
Becca took a few minutes to digest everything he’d told her. Last night they’d both agreed to not pursue this, or at least she thought he’d agreed. She had zero desire to get her heart shattered, but he seemed so earnest. What changed?
“Why did you decide you wanted a relationship with me?” She sipped at her bottle of water. “You don’t do relationships. It’s something you’re proud of, D. What changed?”
“You.” He leaned back, absently rubbing the tops of his thighs. “When you were just a voice on the phone or someone behind a text message, I never had to face feelings. When you quit and I couldn’t get a hold of you, it was more than panic. My world crashed. I hit the first plane I could catch, and when I came face to face with you, my body lit up like a firecracker. Lust, Becca, hard and fast. I argued with myself so hard. You were someone I couldn’t screw with because if I lost you, I wouldn’t recover.”
“I think you lost that particular battle.”
He grinned his cheekiest grin. “I would lose a thousand battles if it meant I get to taste you again.”
She felt her cheeks warm. She didn’t normally blush at anything. Fucking asshole.
“When I pushed you and you pushed back, I tried again to stay away, to push the lust down, but it wouldn’t go away. I wanted you. You wanted me too, I saw it, but you were better at controlling it than I was.”
“Because I don’t want to get hurt, Dimitri.”
“I know.” He reached over and cupped her cheek. “You’re the last person I want to hurt, Krasivaya.”
“Is that why you ran when you realized how I felt?”
She studied the myriad of emotions flicking in his eyes, making them darken to an almost gray color.
He gave her that shy smile again. “For a writer, I’m having the hardest time putting this into words. Yes, I ran from it. I don’t do relationships, and I knew if I pushed the whole friends with benefits thing, you would get hurt. We’d both get hurt. So, I ran. I needed time to think, to talk to my dad.”
“Your dad?”
Dimitri nodded. “Yeah, the old man is the only person whose advice I wanted. He and I talked for a long time. I told him all about you, about how much I love you, but I was afraid that it wasn’t the forever kind of love I write about, and that I was terrified it was that kind of love. I wanted to know how he knew Mama was it for him.”
“What did your dad say?” Becca had heard all about the whirlwind romance of his parents. It was what had inspired him to write in that particular genre.
“He asked me a simple question. Basically, how would I feel if I lost you?”
Becca worried her bottom lip as she waited for his answer. She was a little excited, but more nervous to hear how he felt. Part of her dreaded it, part of her hoped, but it was a tiny part that hoped.
“I gave it some serious thought.” His thumb rubbed gently against her cheek. “I can’t imagine a world without you in it. It nearly robbed me of breath imagining never hearing your voice or teasing you until you get riled enough to give me that sass of yours. You’re the most important person in my world, Rebecca. I do love you, and I want you here with me until my dying day. So, you have to say yes, Becca. You have to.”
“Say yes?”
“To us. I want you to give us a chance. To give our love the chance to be the epic kind of love. The Notebook kind of love. Will you do that?”
Asshole had to bring her favorite movie into it, didn’t he? How was she supposed to answer that?
“I don’t know, Dimitri. How can I trust you with everything I know about you?”
“You don’t know everything about me.” He leaned forward and kissed her gently, so softly his lips felt barely there. “And you need to know everything before you agree.” He sat back, and her trepidation escalated.
“I know all about your finicky stomach and its epic blowouts. What else is there?”
He laughed, but it was a little forced. Nervousness shone in his eyes. What the hell did he have to be nervous about?
“After we got back from the signing room and you were asleep, I went out to get us food and called Nik. I thought he might have some ideas of how I could help you because of Lily.”
“Lily?” Why would anything having to do with his brother’s fiancée help her?
“Lily has an extreme fear of being touched. She has panic attacks, like you do, when someone tries to get near her.”
“How the hell does that work with the two of them?”
“It took Nikoli a long time to get her to trust him enough to relax her guard around him, to let him in, and to eventually touch her. He did what he does best, which is what I do best.”
“And that is?”
“Dominance.”
The breath went of her lungs. They simply froze, refused to work. He was one of those men who liked to do awful things to women? And little Nikoli, the sweetheart with the face of an angel, was the same? How had she missed that about them?
“Get your head out of the gutter, Rebecca.” Dimitri laughed. “I can only guess what you’re thinking.”
“Bondage, whips, chains, beatings…you name it, I’m thinking it.”
He laughed so loud, it made her jump. “Krasivaya, you do please me. So much.”
He was laughing at her? Enraged, she stood so fast, she knocked the chair over, intending to march back into the room and lock his laughing ass out on the terrace. Instead, he caught her hand and tugged so she landed in his lap.
“Don’t run. I can’t chase you. My legs will give out.”
Becca ground her teeth. She wanted to hit him. Why had she never known this about him? Never even suspected it. She was not one of those women who was so insecure they’d let a man abuse her. Dammit, why did he have to be one of those men?
“What’s wrong, sweetheart? Tell me what you’re thinking.”
“How could I not know you were an abuser?”
“Abuser?” He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. “Did it feel like abuse in the bathroom?”
“No.”
“Then why do you think I’d abuse you? You know me better than that, Becca.”
The censure in his voice cut straight through her soul. What else was she supposed to think, though? He liked to dominate women.
“First, I don’t do the BDSM scene. Whips, chains, leather? All that is nonsense. Some people like to use them, to roleplay, but I don’t. I have no need to collar you, dress you in things you clearly won’t be comfortable in, or ever lay a hand on you intending physical harm. That is not me. It’s true, I like a little pain…”
“See!” Becca reared back. “Pain, Dimitri. I don’t do pain the way you don’t do relationships.”
He stared at her, shocked she’d think he’d hurt her. He knew where she was getting all these preconceived notions. The market was flooded with books about BDSM relationships, relationships that would never be considered healthy anywhere except the pages of a work of fiction. He agreed with Nikoli there. Their brand of dominance did not involve ever harming a woman.
“Let me finish before you jump to those conclusions of yours, will you?”
Her glare was hot enough to fry an egg on the Arizona pavement, but she nodded.
“Good girl. Now, I like a little pain, meaning me as the receiver. It’s why when you sank you nails into me this morning, I nearly fucked you then. It sends my own lust out of control. Do I like to be hurt? Fuck, no. Someone ever tries to come near me with a whip or cane, they won’t walk away from it. I don’t do BDSM. But nails? Does me in every time.”
“But you said you were dominant.” Accusation rolled off her tongue, and he leaned forward to kiss her lips lightly. They were adorable all puckered up in a pout. He couldn’t help himself.
“I am, but not the way you’re thinking about it. I do like control. I do like to have you bound, unmoving while I fuck you. Does that mean you won’t get the same satisfaction I do? I think you can answer that for yourself.”
The blush that sprang up was almost instant. He loved the soft bloom of color. It was just something else about her he loved.
“Dimitri, I am not a submissive person. I…I won’t ever let someone control me.”
He sighed. She wasn’t seeing this the right way. “I don’t want to control you, Becca. I love you the way you are. I love your sass and that smart mouth. I love the way you fight back, the way you stand up to me and tell me what for. I would never change that.”
“But…”
“But nothing. Stop interrupting me and listen.” He waited for her nod before he continued. “I don’t want to control you, Becca, just situations.”
“Situations?”
He rolled his eyes. What about stop interrupting me did she not understand?
“You said you liked me challenging you, so stop rolling your eyes at me. I’m trying to understand.”
“You got me there.” He pulled her head down so it was resting against his chest and started to stroke her hair. “Situations. Simple things, really, like where to go to eat, what movie to watch, how I fuck you in the comfort of our own bedroom. See, nothing really too outrageous.”
“Dimitri, I may not want to eat where you want to eat or see the movie you want to see. We don’t see eye to eye on movies. I’d go watch The Notebook while you’d see a rerun of whatever action movie is playing.”
He chuckled. She knew him all too well. He hated chick flicks even though that’s what he wrote. “That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t compromise on those things. I’m not an evil bastard who’s going to tell you what to do, how to do it, and where to do it in all things. You are a brilliant woman. I wouldn’t take that from you. Let me ask you something, though. When was the last time you were able to not worry about something? About having to solve something all by yourself. Wouldn’t you like someone to help you? Even make some of those hard decisions? Wouldn’t you like it, for once, to rely on someone else?”
“Not if it meant giving up my own free will.”
Her reply was quick and to the heart of it. He didn’t want her to give that up. That’s not what he was trying to do…or was it? He thought about all his past relationships with women, at least the ones he’d had this kind of relationship with. Hadn’t he asked them to do that? To give up everything and do as he told them? Was that why he’d gotten so bored so fast?
The more he thought about it, the more he realized that wasn’t the type of relationship he wanted with Becca. He wanted her to be her, not someone there to do with as he pleased.
“Here is what I want from you, Becca. I want you to be yourself, no worries about what I might do or say or think. Just be the same person you’ve always been around me. The only place I really want dominance is in the bedroom. I want to tie to you up and fuck you. I want to bind you so you can’t move while I make you come over and over. I want control there.”
“But what if I want to tie you up?”
Her question surprised him so much, he couldn’t even form a response. Tie him up?
She sat up and twisted so she could face him, and he saw the devilment in her eyes. She was enjoying his discomfort. “What? You never thought about anyone doing those things to you?”
“Well, no.”
“Let me get this straight. You want me to let you do these things to me, but you’re not willing to follow that old adage, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander?”
Well, when she put it like that, it wasn’t fair, but he’d never so much as ever let anyone near him with any kind of bondage. He was the dominant, not the submissive.
“If you ever want me to let you do that, D, you’re going to have to cave and let me tie you up first.”
“The fuck, you say.”
“The fuck I say.” Becca jumped off his lap. “I mean it, Dimitri. If you’re not willing to do the same, then you can forget about ever tying me up.”
Wait, had she just agreed to give them a chance?
“Does that mean you’re willing to try this? To see if what we have is true love or…”
“Or just two horny adults who have no control?” she asked sarcastically.
“I have control.” Usually. “It’s just when I got back and you weren’t here, I panicked thinking you’d left me. Then I see you naked and…well, yeah, I did lose it, but can you blame me? You’re a beautiful woman.”
“This isn’t a romance novel, D. It’s real life, and we can both get hurt, so much.”
“I know.”
“But you know how I feel about you. I want us to work more than you can ever know because I’ve been in love with you since I was fifteen years old. Does that mean I’m blind? No. It does mean I am willing to give this a shot, but on one condition.”
“What?”
“No sex.”
“The fuck?”
Becca watched his expression bleed from hope to confusion to outrage. He hadn’t expected that, but it was the one thing she could think of that would give her time to sort all this out. If he added sex into the mix, she’d not stand a chance of protecting her heart.
“You heard me. If you want me to believe I mean more to you than your other women, then you’re going to prove it.”
“By not fucking you?” He followed her inside, their meals forgotten. “How is that going to prove a damn thing?”
“It means you respect us enough to see what’s here without the lust and the blind passion sex brings. Sexual chemistry only goes so far, D. I want to know if you’re going to be around for the long haul, if you’re going to be able to deal with my anxiety, if I can deal with it enough to give you everything you deserve.”
His eyes softened and he dropped his outraged stance. “You are all I need and more than I deserve. I could give two shits about your anxiety.”
“And you can say that now, because you haven’t been around it day in and day out. Two weeks from now? You might change your mind. I want you to think about this, Dimitri. Really think about what it means. Take the next two weeks to do that. Then when we go to Texas, if you still feel the same, we can go at it like two Energizer bunnies if you want, but until then, no sex. I mean it.”
“You seriously think I’m going to go home and change my mind?”
“You might, Dimitri. Once you realize I can’t do all the things your other flavors of the week can. I hate going out. I’d rather be home, safe behind four walls and a door. You saw what crowds do to me. You’re asking me to accept you being the control freak in the bedroom. The least you can do is respect me enough to take the time to think about what I’m asking you to accept.”
His gaze became calculated and her hinky feeling decided to rear its head. He was up to something. She knew that look.
“You’re right. I haven’t been around your anxiety day in and day out. I don’t know what it looks like, but how am I expected to evaluate it if I’m not around it?”
The asshole. She knew where this was going.
“So, to be fair, you need to come to LA with me. We need to spend time together, to get to know each other’s ins and outs. Like the fact I leave the cap off the toothpaste all the time. Or I leave my dirty socks laying around. Things like that.”
“You want me to come to LA?” That meant an airport. People. Crowds. Standing in line…
He grabbed her hand before she could panic. “No airplanes. I can book a train, our own private car. You won’t have to be around anyone longer than it takes to board.”
He really was beginning to learn the early signs of her panic. Not only that, but he’d thwarted it. Maybe he could handle it.
“So, what do you say? I’ll stop trying to seduce you if you agree to come to LA and let us work on our relationship.”
“No sex for two weeks.”
“No sex until Texas. Pinkie swear.”
“Okay, then, you have a deal.”