Chapter Sixteen
Alice
It’s midafternoon on Wednesday, and I’m a nervous wreck about my test tomorrow. I’m studying the Highway Code for about the millionth time when Harry strolls in and parks his butt on the edge of my desk.
“You’re not still stressing about the test, are you?”
“I’m going to do something stupid. I just know it.”
He plucks the booklet from my hand and skims through it. “No, you’re not. You’re a great driver.”
“As long as I don’t fall to pieces.”
He laughs, like he thinks I’m joking. “That’s not going to happen. You’ve got this.”
I sigh and slump back in my chair. Logically, there’s no need to panic, but my nervous system hasn’t got the memo. “I just wish it was all over.”
“Do you want extra practice right before your test? It’s not a problem.”
I’ve been out driving with Harry for over four hours this week already, including lunchtime today, and have a lesson directly before the test, but if he’s offering to give me an additional hour before then…
“Are you sure? I feel bad, dragging you away from work.” Not that bad, though. In fact, it’s amazing how positive his offer’s made me feel.
“Sure. I’ll meet you back at the driving center after your test as well, if you like. I know you’re seeing Hannah tomorrow night, but we can celebrate your victory before you meet her.”
“Yeah, don’t count the chickens yet.” But I can’t help grinning, and not just because he’s so sure I’m going to pass. It’s because he’s willing to take time off work. For me.
...
For the first time, I’m not dreading my lesson this evening. Even Francine remarks how calm and collected I am, and her subtext is clear. Considering it’s your test tomorrow.
I’m not even stressing about that, either. I can do this and I will.
…
The following morning I’m in a Zen-like state and refuse to think about this afternoon. In exactly two hours, Harry and I are going out for our final drive. Well, hopefully it’ll be my final drive as an L-plater. I’m already making plans about what we can do when I’m in the driving seat.
It’s hard enough to concentrate on work today, but I also can’t stop replaying all our sexy times together. Things are definitely better in that department, now, even if we’re not managing half as much practice as I’d like.
I don’t want this to end when I go to university.
My smile fades. But it’s only a fling.
Isn’t it?
I peer through the glass wall, where I catch a glimpse of Harry in his office. He’s pacing the floor, the way he does when he’s trying to figure something out, and my heart does a stupid little flip in my chest.
There’s no way this can be serious between us. We exist in different stratospheres. And even if we didn’t, Mum’s right about relationships never lasting. The only one you can rely on is yourself.
I frown and cup my chin on my hand. Harry’s never let me down, though. Suppose this is more than a fling to him? After all, he’s not the type who goes through girls the way his brother does.
My stomach churns. What if he’s serious about me? Is that even possible? He’s the most gorgeous guy ever, and me, well, I’m so ordinary it’s not funny.
I’ve always taken it for granted this amazing thing between us would finish as soon as I left for Durham. But what if I’m wrong? What if, as crazy as it sounds, Harry wants more?
Possibilities swirl through my mind, and all my preconceived, logical plans for how things will always be shake in their foundations. There’s only one thing for it. I’ll have to ask him if he still wants us to see each other when I leave Blitz.
Almost as though he can read my mind, he stops pacing and turns to look at me through the glass wall. I smile, and he seems to heave a sigh, which isn’t exactly the response I was hoping for. He leaves his office and strolls into mine.
“Hey, Alice.”
“Hey.” I’m not sure why, but something doesn’t feel quite right.
“Look, I’m going to have to bail on our driving practice this afternoon. Oscar Jarrod wants a face-to-face.”
I stare, disbelief curling through me, as a hard knot forms in the center of my chest. A stupid part of me wants to say but you promised, and how pathetic is that?
I’ve always known Harry’s work comes first with him. He can’t pass up this opportunity.
“Sure. No problem.” The words are ash in my mouth, and I fiddle with a pen so I don’t have to look at him.
“Alice. You don’t need the extra practice. You’re going to ace this.”
It’s not the extra practice I care about.
“Fingers crossed.” I force a smile, and it hurts my face.
He hovers over my desk as though he’s about to kiss me, before he suddenly pulls back as if he’s just remembered where we are, and somehow that hurts even more than him bailing on me.
“Good luck. Let me know how it goes.”
So he’s not even going to meet me after the test.
Grow up, Alice.
I guess it’s true. The only one you can rely on is yourself.
After months of worrying, and feeling sick every time I had a driving lesson, a sense of numbness envelopes me after Harry leaves my office. It’s stupid to be so upset about the way he’s let me down, and he probably doesn’t have a clue that he even has, but I can’t help the way I feel.
It’s my own fault for imagining there’s more between us than there is. It’s just a fling, after all.
...
The test itself turns out to be anticlimactic and goes so fast it’s finished before I know it. And…drum roll…I pass. Francine is thrilled, and I’m still riding high on adrenaline when she drops me back home.
Mum darts out of the kitchen as soon as I walk through the door, and I don’t even have to say anything.
“Oh, congratulations, darling. That’s fantastic.” She gives me a big hug. “Are you going out with Hannah to celebrate?”
I’d already planned on seeing Hannah tonight, but before I can answer her, my phone rings. It’s a text from Harry.
How’d it go?
I’m so buoyed up that I’m not even upset with him anymore.
Passed!!!
His response is instantaneous.
Yeah! Knew you’d do it. Burn the L plates!
…
By Friday morning, I’ve buried my wounded feelings, since it’s just stupid to hold a grudge when we only have a couple of weeks before I leave. In any case, his extra tutoring definitely helped, so there’s that.
And I can drive. I didn’t even have to ask to borrow the car today. Mum took it for granted that I’d want it and said she’d get a lift into work with Brian.
Good old Brian.
She didn’t even ask any questions when I casually mentioned I wouldn’t be back tonight, as I was staying with a friend from work. Which isn’t an outright lie, but made me feel bad because I want to tell her about Harry. The problem is, I don’t even know how to start. It’s almost like the moment’s passed.
Probably just as well. I don’t want to risk her being disappointed that I got involved with a guy right before university. Because no matter how hard I try to delude myself about how this isn’t serious, she’ll guess straight away how much he means to me.
I park the car and chat for a bit with Roger who’s on duty today and congratulates me on passing my test, before I go inside. Nerves and excitement collide in my stomach at the thought of telling Harry that I’m staying the night with him. Which is crazy, because why would he say no? We were going out for something to eat in any case. The only difference now being I’m the one who’s driving, and after we’ve eaten I’m taking him to a pub Hannah and I sometimes go to, as they’ve got a great live band playing there later.
I go into my office, and on my keyboard is a wobbly-head cat key ring. I pick it up and laugh, and Harry appears at the door.
“I said you were worrying over nothing.” He comes in and gives me his bone-melting smile. “Sorry I couldn’t be there. But Oscar wanted to talk in real time.”
“Don’t worry about it.” I wave the key ring at him. “Is this from you?”
He shrugs. “Peace offering?”
I shake my head, even though I’m ridiculously touched by the gift. “Yeah, okay. So what did Oscar say?”
For the next few minutes, he’s in heaven as he relays their conversation, and although I’m interested, in the back of my mind I’m dying to share my plans for tonight with him. Mainly, the fact I have the car and am staying over.
Before I get the chance, Caleb wanders into my office and joins in the conversation, and then they leave together.
Things are so hectic, with sorting out stuff connected to finding alternate office space, that I don’t get a chance to speak to him until midafternoon. I go into his office, where he’s hunched over his laptop, his hair all rumpled, and have to fight the urge to crawl onto his lap and wind my arms around his neck.
Later.
“Hey.” He looks up and gives me a tired grin. “Everything okay?”
“Everything’s fine. I sent Charlie an email, offering him my position, so hopefully we’ll hear back from him over the weekend.”
Harry doesn’t look thrilled by the prospect, which of course thrills me. I feel much better about the whole Alice-the-miracle-maker now, since now Harry sees me as more than just the office organizer.
“Anyway.” I clasp the files, which I brought in with me as a prop, to my chest. “I have an idea about tonight.” I’m so freaking excited at the thought of staying the whole night with him, I can’t wipe the smile off my face. Before I can share what I have in mind, he groans.
“About tonight. I’m seeing my brother.”
My excitement deflates like a popped balloon. “Oh. No problem. That’s okay.” Fuck.
“He’s got tickets to the opening of some club. Hydra.” He sounds faintly disgusted, but my disappointment vanishes as I realize he’s about to ask me to go with him. On a real date, to a top London club. I clutch the files harder to stop myself from squealing. Hydra, according to all the publicity, is going to be the place to be seen. And while clubbing and celebrity spotting has never been on my list of things to do, if I’m with Harry it’ll be a laugh.
“Wow. That’s amazing.”
“Lucas seems to think so.” He moodily taps the end of a pen on his desk. “It’s his best friend’s birthday. We always hang out together at birthdays.”
“Sure.” My voice is a little less chirpy this time because when exactly is he going to ask me to go with him?
“Did you want to get together tomorrow?” He gives me a hopeful look, and for the life of me I can’t find my voice.
He isn’t asking me out at all. It’s like a hard rock is wedged in the middle of my chest, and for a heartbeat I have the overwhelming urge to tell him no, I’m busy on Saturday, but how stupid is that?
Two weeks and counting. That’s all the time we have together. I’m not going to screw that up just because he’s hurt my pride.
My pride. Yeah, right. Somehow, I manage to dredge up a smile.
“Why not?” I don’t sound like he’s just kicked me in the gut, and his grin at my reply almost makes up for him not wanting to take me out to a classy club, or to meet his brother.
Almost.
“Great. That’ll get me through tonight. Anything special you want to do?”
Yes, I want you to take me with you tonight.
Oh, stfu, Alice.
“I’ll let you know.” I sound breezy, like everything is fine. And it is fine. It’s a reminder that this is nothing but a fling. Because if it was anything more he would’ve found a way to meet me after my driving test, and he’d want to introduce me to his brother.
All I’ve been doing is projecting my most secret and deepest-held wishes. I won’t make that mistake again.
...
Even though I want to knock off work early to lick my self-inflicted wounds, I stay late, just so I can meet up with Hannah in one of our favorite wine bars before going home. She’s been so brilliant this week, not minding that I’ve spent all my spare time with Harry. Except for last night, when we got together and dissected in person everything we’d already discussed on the phone and in texts. Oh, and celebrated passing my test.
The wine bar, tucked into a side street off the main road, is a converted stable with loads of exposed brick and reclaimed wood. She’s already there when I arrive, and, since I’m driving, pushes a small dish of nibbles across the table for me, while she enjoys a glass of red. I collapse onto the seat, and we stare at each other in silence.
She folds her arms on the table and narrows her eyes. “I can’t believe he didn’t ask you to go with him.”
“At least it clears one thing up. He doesn’t want anyone knowing we’re seeing each other.” I’ve been getting mixed signals all week. First, he takes me out to breakfast, and then we went to the pub, but the rest of the time we’ve been hanging out in his apartment. Not that I mind. I’ve loved it. But what if someone he knew had seen us at Brockwood Park or The Slurping Toad? Would he have cared?
It’s not like anyone at work has guessed our secret. Not that I want them to. But that’s not the point. The point is—would Harry mind if anyone knew about us?
“That’s just rude. I mean sure, it might be a boss/employee thing, but you’re leaving in a couple of weeks. It’s not like there’s going to be any horrible fallout at work if you split up, is it?”
Hannah’s staunch support is a balm. Although it’s weird she didn’t think the fact he let me down yesterday was an issue, as on balance that still stings more than this night out with the boys does.
After all, it’s not as though he knew about my plans, is it? On the other hand, I’d taken it for granted we were seeing each other tonight.
Never take things for granted. Yeah, another lesson learned.
“I think it’s just a guy thing tonight.”
Hannah scoffs and then rolls her eyes for added dramatic effect. “Stop defending him.”
“Yes, but it’s not like we’re really dating, is it?” A little pain stabs through my heart as I admit that, and I try to ignore it because it won’t change the facts.
“Aren’t you? Going to the Mansion for breakfast and his local for lunch seems like dating to me. Not to mention all the hot sex.” Her voice drops to a theatrical whisper.
As much as I’d like to imagine the sex equates to a lifelong devotion, I’m not that naive. After a while, Hannah sighs, clearly realizing I’m not going to take that particular bait.
“Hey.” She taps her finger on the table to get my attention. “Why don’t you come out with me and others tonight? Take your mind off him.”
Most Friday nights, she goes clubbing with a group of girls she’s been friends with since school, and although I’ve gone with them on the rare occasion it’s never been my thing.
Tonight, though…why the hell not?
“Need a designated driver?” I might as well get some good use out of the fact I have the car tonight.
...
By midnight, I’m well over it. Hannah’s friends are nice and we get on okay, but after a few drinks they’re so giggly and loud, attracting attention from some seriously sleazy guys, and all I want to do is find a quiet corner and a pair of earplugs.
As I didn’t go home from the wine bar, Hannah brought something of hers for me to wear, and we all got ready at one of her friend’s house. But for fuck’s sake. Did she have to lend me her purple leather miniskirt with a microscopic top? I keep tugging at the hems, but it doesn’t make any difference to the coverage.
I glance around the dimly lit interior, with its single dance floor, two bars and rowdy clientele, and can’t help thinking how different it must be to Hydra. They probably have cordoned off VIP areas, and considering how famous Lucas is, I expect that’s where Harry is right now.
Along with all the girls.
I try to push that from my mind but can’t. Because although I’m not into following what celebrities get up to, let alone football, I’m under no illusion that Lucas Carter is a well-known man-whore, and wherever he goes, drop-dead gorgeous girls are a given.
Harry will never cheat on me.
He’s not that kind of guy. I know it but still can’t help hearing my mum’s voice in my head. You can never trust a man.
I trust Harry, though.
How much longer do I have to stay here? Me and my big mouth, offering to be the designated driver. It’s hours before the club closes. I’ll be dead from boredom by then.
Hannah collides into me and grips my arm. “Dani’s just chucked up in the loo. I mean seriously. Totally gross. She wants to go home, like now.”
Wow. Talk about good timing. “Is she okay?”
“Yeah, she’s fine. She can’t handle her booze.” Hannah pulls a disgusted face. “Sorry about cutting the night short, though.”
“No problem.” Thank you, Dani.
...
It’s gone one by the time I get home, after having declined Hannah’s offer to stay the night with her. I just want my own bed, so I can have a bit of a wallow in peace.
I push open the front door and oh my fucking god, there’s a naked man in the hallway.
I can’t even scream. Everything’s frozen. He stares at me, apparently equally paralyzed with horror, and as the blood rushes to my head I recognize his face.
“Brian.” It comes out in a strangled squeak. My heart’s pounding like it wants to punch through my ribs and escape, and a detached part of my brain is attempting to reassure me this is all some kind of crazy hallucination.
“Uh, hi.” His voice smashes that hypothesis, and he waves two glasses of…wine?…that he’s holding in a distracted manner. Before he can say anything else, Mum appears at the top of the stairs, wrapping her Betty Boop dressing gown around her.
“Alice.” There’s a touch of hysteria in her voice that matches the level of disbelief racing around my mind right now. “Darling. I thought you weren’t back tonight.”
Well, obviously. I hitch in a ragged breath, and now my brain’s adjusting to the truly traumatizing sight of Brian in front of me. It’s a minor relief to realize that he is, in fact, wearing a pair of tighty-whiteys.
I’m not sure this image is ever going to leave my retinas.
“No. I decided to come home.” Yay, Alice. State the obvious, why don’t you?
Mum gallops down the stairs, and under normal circumstances that would be funny. She glances at Brian, then me, then Brian again, and it’s clear this could go on for some time unless I break the deadlock.
“You,” I begin before realizing I don’t have a clue what to say. Mum and Brian? But they’re just friends. Good friends.
Very good friends, by the looks of it.
“I’ll, uh, be off then, Lyn.” Brian clears his throat, looking everywhere but at me. None of us move. The silence is excruciating. I grip my keys until the metal’s embedded in my palm, but it doesn’t unlock my ability to speak.
“Yes,” Mum says at last, clutching the neck of her dressing gown together. She takes the glasses he thrusts at her, and I hastily avert my gaze from the sight of Brian’s bottom hightailing it up the stairs.
When her bedroom door clicks shut, I risk glancing at her.
“How long have you—” Wait, I don’t want to know how long they’ve been doing…this. “Has he…?” Nope, I can’t ask if he’s stayed the night before, because that means I’ve been totally oblivious to them getting up to things I don’t want to think about.
Why didn’t she tell me? We always tell each other everything and this is huge.
Why haven’t I told her about Harry?
That’s different. She wouldn’t understand, and I didn’t want her to think I was messing up our carefully planned future…
“No,” Mum whispers, glancing up the stairs before placing the glasses on the floor and taking my hand. “We’ve only ever been friends, right up until last week. I don’t know, something seemed to shift between us. But tonight is the first time we’ve…I wouldn’t have let him stay if I thought you were coming back tonight, Alice.”
I try to speak but only manage a goldfish impersonation.
“You know how proud I am of you, darling. Going to university and everything. But last week, when Brian and I were talking, it suddenly hit me. It’s always been you and me against the world, but when you go to Durham—it’ll just be me left here on my own.”
Guilt flares through me. “I’ll be back for the holidays.”
And not just the holidays. We’ve already planned how some weekends she’d come visit me, and other times I’d make the journey down to Kent. I know it’s not the same, but I thought she was okay with it. But that desolate note in her voice is all kinds of awful.
“I know. It’s just—well, you won’t believe this, but apparently, Brian’s had a bit of a thing for me for years.” Now she looks guilty, and I still don’t have a clue what to say.
Luckily, Brian comes down the stairs and Mum and I flatten our backs to the wall, still holding hands, and after a few mumbled words, he gives me a strained smile before leaving.
Mum gives a jagged sigh before tearing her gaze from the front door and focusing on me. “Are you all right, darling?”
Am I? It’s like my world’s tipped sideways. Unlike a lot of people I know who were brought up by a single parent, Mum’s never had boyfriends, or even one-night stands if it comes to that. And it’s not that she’s kept all that kind of thing a secret from me, it’s because she’s just so fiercely independent and basically doesn’t trust a man as far as she can throw him.
Wait…how do I know she’s never had a one-night stand? Maybe she has and simply never told me.
“Are you,” I clear my throat. “Are you serious about him?”
“Would you mind if I were?”
Would I?
I’ve known Brian for half my life, and he’s one of the good guys. Mum could definitely do a lot worse. It’s just really hard to wrap my head around the fact she’s seeing a man. And didn’t say anything to me.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I wanted to, you have to believe me. But it all happened so suddenly. And I didn’t want to drop this on you right before your driving test, because you’ve been so wound up about it.”
“Mum.” That’s a terrible excuse, and we both know it.
She sighs. “Okay. The truth is I wasn’t sure how you’d react. I mean, we’ve never needed anyone else, have we? And I suppose I just wanted a little time to get used to it myself before I shared with you. Does that even make sense?”
Eerie shivers race along my arms. It makes so much sense, it’s scary. “I guess so.”
She gives me a hug. “Thanks for not giving me a hard time. You’ll always be my number one.”
Tell her about Harry. But tell her what, exactly? That I’m afraid I’ve fallen hard for him, even though I tried not to? That although I know we don’t have a future together, I can’t stop wishing we did?
She’d freak out and think it was subtext for I’m not going to university.
She pulls back and runs her gaze over me.
“Nice outfit.” She grimaces, and any other time I would’ve pulled a face back at her and agreed, but I’m just too tired. It’s not that I begrudge Mum getting her life back. She deserves it. I just want more of a life for me than slogging away at my studies for the next three years.
It’s because I want Harry in my life.
After a cup of tea that I don’t want, and listening to Mum talk about Brian, which makes her sound so happy it hurts my heart, I escape to my room. And the only warm bodies sharing my bed are Goldie and Bambi.