Chapter Twenty-Four
Slowing down was not my best idea. I didn’t do it well. By the end of Thursday afternoon, I’d cleaned the entire house, including my brothers’ bedrooms, restocked the fridge, and prepared casseroles for the week. Jake’s room took most of Wednesday morning. Bradley’s was even worse, filling up five hours on Thursday. Neither one of them knew what to say when they saw that they did in fact have floors. And Dad was impressed by the number of plates and bowls I’d discovered. Maybe I should’ve been an archeologist.
I’d also managed eight loads of laundry, which included changing the sheets on everyone’s beds and towels that were borderline stiff. When I was putting away clothes in Dad’s room, I stopped for a moment and sat in Mom’s chair. Sometimes I didn’t remember her very well. When I’d look at an old photo, she was different than she was in my imagination. Would I have chosen a different path if she hadn’t died? Would my life be different having had her guidance? Would she be proud of me? That was the one that haunted me the most. I didn’t know. I could only hope that she would be.
Devon called after I finished folding the towels. Our conversations over the last couple of days had been over texts. None of it had any real context. I’d been vague in everything because I hadn’t wanted to talk about any of it. He probably already knew what had happened at JenCar. Either way, it was time I actually talked to him.
“Hey,” I answered, plopping on the brown plaid couch. A spring stuck into my back. Dad really needed to replace this thing.
“So are you going to tell me what’s going on or do I need to guess?” Concern laced through his words, softening his voice. “Will you at least tell me where you are?”
“I’m home. In Kerns.” I pulled my knees to my chest and covered up with an afghan Great-Aunt Jan had crocheted. It wasn’t my quilt but it would do for now. “Upton fired me.”
He sighed heavily into the phone. “I heard. I know how much it meant to you. I’m sorry.”
I shifted on the couch, careful to avoid the spring. “It felt like the end of the world. I just needed…I needed to be anywhere other than Madison. Can you understand that?”
“I get it. I wish you would’ve talked to me, but I understand why you took off.” He inhaled sharply. “I can’t believe they’d fire you after everything it took…”
“After what? You can’t believe what?” There was something in his tone that put me on red alert.
“It doesn’t matter now. Just…when will you be back?”
“What doesn’t matter, Devon?” My hands shook as I held the phone. It was like my world was caving for a second time and I couldn’t stop it. I hadn’t had a panic attack since I was sixteen, but I remembered how it felt. I just didn’t know what triggered it.
“Don’t get mad at me.” He paused, but I didn’t say a word. “And if you do, promise to forgive me. I did it for you.”
“Did what?” My body wanted to curl into itself. I moved the phone upside down so he couldn’t hear how fast my breath escaped.
“I…I knew how much you wanted that internship. So I made a deal with my father over Christmas.” His voice softened. “If I would apply, you’d get an interview.”
“What?”
“JenCar wasn’t going to consider interns this spring, but Dad talked to Upton. He got her to bring me on because I was his son. I only applied if she would grant you an interview.”
I ended the call. He called right back, but I sent him to voicemail. I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. Not about this, not about anything.
I hadn’t done it on my own. I hadn’t done any of it on my own. It was a knife to the heart. My breathing hitched as my chest ached. Panic overtook me. I tried to slow my breaths, to count them. Anything to counter the attack. How could he have kept this from me? He knew how much I wanted that internship, how much I wanted to work at JenCar after graduation. My fingers dug into the couch. I needed to focus on something else. Anything else.
There was a birthday party to get ready for this weekend. I’d throw myself into that. I’d ignore everything Devon said. He called again, and again I sent him to voicemail as I started making lists of what we needed, what we had, and what I needed to do. Decorating the kitchen with a metallic Happy Birthday sign and silly balloons was the top of my list. Bradley would love those.
A text came next, but I didn’t bother to read it until I was done with my project. Please don’t do this.
I needed time to process. Time to figure out a few things. He had lied to me. He’d gotten me the interview. I hadn’t gotten it on my own. And he’d done it before the party. Before we’d started seeing each other. Why? Why would he do that? There wasn’t anything to gain on his end. Why would he do that for someone who treated him like a complete ass?
Because he liked me. Even then. He’d so much as told me that.
I looked at my missed call log and pressed the last call.
“I’m sorry,” he answered. “I didn’t want to tell you, but… Olivia, you got the job on your own merits. I only helped get the interview.”
“That’s not the point,” I said, trying and failing to keep the quiver out of my voice. “I had to fight to get into this program. I had to fight to prove myself in every single class.”
“You’re exaggerating—”
“Don’t do that.” I paused to stop from yelling. “Don’t tell me I’m exaggerating when I’m the one who went through it. Remember sophomore year with Dr. Amos? He told me to get my degree in nursing or, and I quote, ‘something nurturing that suits you better.’ Engineering 101 and I was told to quit.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“Every day it’s a struggle. I’ve watched other women in the program drop out, and they were more than capable. But I wasn’t about to quit.” I sighed. He wasn’t getting it. “How many people have told you not to do something? Not to play baseball or not to go into engineering?”
“Nobody,” he said softly.
“I hear it all the time. I even heard it from you.”
“Whoa, when did I say that?”
“Freshman year. After we…met. We had calc together. You said girls normally suck at math.” I remembered it like it was yesterday. It was seared into my mind, because it had hurt more than I expected.
“Olivia, I’m sorry. I don’t remember saying that.” He paused. “But that didn’t have anything to do with engineering. It was just a math class.”
“Sophomore year, fall semester, we were paired together for a project. You asked for a male partner.”
“Whoa, okay, now that you’re taking out of context. I didn’t want to be your partner, but not because of your sex. Well, not in the way you think.”
“What in the hell does that mean?”
Devon barked out a nervous laugh. “I liked you too much. And knowing how much you hated me, it wasn’t a good idea to work on a project that was a third of our grade together. Not when I wouldn’t have been able to focus.”
“Oh.”
“I wish we would’ve cleared the air about this a long time ago. It would’ve saved a lot of headaches.”
“Yeah, you’re right there. Talking hasn’t been our forte. Good thing we’ve gotten better lately. Promise me one thing,” I said, letting the tears crowd my voice.
“Anything.”
“Promise me you won’t do that again.” I squeezed my eyes shut, imagining him in his bed with nothing on but his boxers. My favorite fantasy. “Please? I need to do this on my own, Devon.”
“I prefer it when you call me Seamus.” His voice ached deep inside.
“Promise me?”
“I won’t help you in your career in any way, shape, or form.” He paused. “Scout’s honor.”
I couldn’t help it. I smiled. “I doubt you were a Scout.”
“Eagle Scout, baby.”
This time I laughed.
“Why’d you run home?” he asked. “Why didn’t you come to me?”
“I was embarrassed. Ashamed.” I abandoned the couch, taking the afghan with me, and moved into my room. It was only four, but I was exhausted from the cleaning and from the emotional rollercoaster I’d been riding. “I failed. And I didn’t like it.”
“You’re not perfect.”
“Thanks,” I said, smiling at how I imagined him sitting straight up in his bed.
“You are to me.”
“Nice save.” I put my head on my pillows and tucked Torty under my arm. “I’m sorry I hung up on you.”
“I doubt it will be the last time. When my inner asshole comes out, he’s the king of the world.” He paused for a moment. “I’m not sorry I got you the interview. But I am sorry I didn’t tell you about it from the beginning.”
“I miss you,” I said, squeezing my stuffed animal close. “We’ve both been so busy. It feels like we haven’t had time to actually be together.”
“Lunch dates are our specialty. Dinner the other night was pretty great, though.”
“Maybe the next lunch could be at my place instead of the student union.” I suppressed a yawn. “I know you’d have to rush back to campus, but some alone time would be nice.”
“More alone time would be fucking fantastic.” He cleared his throat. “Valentine’s Day is Tuesday. We’ll do something then.”
“I have to work that night,” I said, wishing I could call off, but missing all of this week put a serious dent in my bank account.
“So? I’ll come up, sit in your section until you leave. Then we’ll come back to my room, like we’d planned to do last night.”
“I’d like that.” I smiled. “I’ll have Kit make you something special.”
“It’s not the most romantic date. I wish I could wine and dine you instead.”
“Same here. Maybe when I get back on Sunday you could come over. I’ll make you my mom’s famous hot cocoa.”
“I’d like that.”
“Seamus?” I yawned his name. “I’m going to take a nap.”
“Go to sleep. Text me when you’re leaving, okay?”
“I will.”
“Sleep well, Olivia.”
“Thanks, Seamus.”
I set my phone on the nightstand. We were going to be okay. After everything we’d been through over the last month, I knew it in my heart. I closed my eyes and fell into the best sleep I’d had since Christmas break.
…
The family gathered around Bradley at the table, singing “Happy Birthday” completely off-key and not even close to being in sync with each other. It was a Dawson family tradition. Trevor and Nick were the loudest. Jake grumbled the entire time, too old for such nonsense. Adam laughed with his arm around his latest girlfriend. If he brought her home for Bradley’s party, he was serious about her. She was nice and highly intelligent, just perfect for my brother.
The best part was Tony videoing in to sing with us. It wasn’t long enough for me to talk to him, but Bradley got a few minutes. He needed it, too. Bradley never knew Mom, but the guilt he carried was the heaviest on his birthday. It wasn’t his fault she died.
The kitchen grew too crowded. I stepped outside onto the patio with the afghan. Dad had the patio cushions in the attic for winter, but that didn’t deter me. I sat on a metal chair and curled up in the blanket. The fresh air calmed me down.
“There you are,” Henry said as he stepped outside with a bottle of vodka and two glasses. I hadn’t seen him since he showed up on my doorstep and asked me to come back to him.
“What’re you doing here, Henry?”
“Your dad invited me.” He sat in an empty chair and put the bottle on the table. I watched as he filled each glass with two fingers of clear liquid. “And I wanted to see how you’re doing.”
“Why?” I took a glass and sipped the ice-cold alcohol. It burned my throat, warming me from the inside.
“Because your family is worried about you after you showed up out of nowhere. I’m worried about you. Your dad told me about JenCar. I’m sorry, Liv. I know how much that internship meant to you.” He sighed and drained his glass. “I thought you might need someone to talk to.”
“I’m fine,” I said, following Henry and draining my glass. He refilled it quickly. “But did you tell him about your last visit?”
Henry laughed. “My moment of weakness? Not a chance.” He tapped the side of his glass. “We’ve been through a lot together. The last time we talked you gave me the verbal smack I needed. So this time I’m going to give you one. But I brought the booze to soften the blow.”
“Oh, this is going to be good,” I said.
“That’s the plan.”
“As long as one thing is clear. This”—I motioned between us—“isn’t going to happen no matter how drunk you get me.”
Henry smiled. “As a soon-to-be married man, I promise you that.”
“Fine.” I took another sip, wishing he’d brought cranberry juice to mix the vodka with.
“Does your dad know you’re working?”
I snorted. “Funny.”
“I’ll take that as a no.” Henry refilled my glass again. “Does he know about…that other guy?”
“His name is Devon, and no.” I sipped the next glass. Getting drunk at my brother’s birthday party wasn’t part of the plan.
“Why didn’t you tell him? About the job and the guy?” Henry spun the glass on its edge.
“He wouldn’t approve.” But even as I said that I wondered if it was true.
“Maybe. Maybe he would.” Henry shrugged. “What’s going on with you?”
I settled against the back of the chair, placing the glass on the table. It was a fair question. It deserved a fair answer. “I don’t know. I thought…I thought I had everything figured out, you know? Even after you dumped me, I followed the path I’d planned. Somehow it got all fucked up. I hate things fucked up. Order is so much easier to deal with and keep in line. When things are as screwed up as this, I don’t even know where to start to unravel them.”
“Can I ask you something?” He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. “Did our breakup really derail your plans that much?”
“I’m not drunk enough to answer that,” I said.
Henry huffed out a laugh. “I think it’s time for some brutal honesty between us.”
“I’ve always been honest with you, Henry.” The vodka warmed my body. I pushed my feet out of the afghan to cool off.
“No, you haven’t.” He held up his hand before I opened my mouth. “I broke up with you because I was scared. You had this vision of our future, and nothing was going to sway that vision. You were going to graduate at the top of your class and get a job at JenCar, but you’d still work on your master’s degree. We’d get married, buy a house with good resale value in case you got transferred to San Diego, which was what you really wanted. After you earned your master’s, then we could have kids. But not before, because you weren’t going to be pregnant and go to school. Of course, we’d have a boy and a girl, but no more than two. Three was too many. One wasn’t enough. And we’d live happily ever after.” He refilled his glass and took a sip while I finished draining my third. “Sound about right?”
I nodded because it sounded exactly right. And exactly wrong, too.
“None of it took into consideration what I wanted.” He shrugged and leaned back into his chair. “I wanted to stay here, near my family. Deep down, I think you knew that. And when I realized you weren’t going to let anything stand in your way, I realized I was in your way.”
I opened my mouth, but I still couldn’t say a word. All this time I thought he left because I wasn’t good enough for him. Because I wasn’t pretty enough or smart enough or anything enough. But he left because he wasn’t enough for me. It was the most selfless damn thing he’d ever done. Tears threatened along my eyes, but I wasn’t going to let them fall.
“When I came to your apartment like a fool, I realized something else. You never loved me, Liv. Not the way you should love someone. And I don’t think I ever loved you that way, either. It was a chicken-shit move on my part. I was scared. Everything’s changing so fast and I just…I don’t know, regressed. I shouldn’t have said what I said.”
“I did love you, Henry,” I said, finally finding my voice.
“I believe you, but you loved me like another brother,” he whispered.
“I have enough of those, thank you.”
He smiled. “Then as a friend. With some pretty awesome benefits.”
I laughed, spilling vodka onto myself.
“I do love Amanda. The way you’re supposed to love the person you spend the rest of your life with.” He smiled, and a light blush covered his cheeks.
“I’m happy for you. Really.” It felt weird to say it, much less mean it, too.
“Your dad’s worried that you’re so determined to stay on this preset path that you’ll forget to actually live.” He stood and grabbed his glass off the table, leaving the bottle behind. “And I guess I needed to let you know the truth. I’ll always love you, Olivia Clarice Dawson.”
“Same here, Henry.” Again, strange saying it and meaning it. Henry was such a big part of my life that I couldn’t imagine not having him in it. I’d realized how much being with Henry was more about convenience. There weren’t a lot of options in Kerns. And there weren’t a lot of guys banging on my door for a date. We were two people who fit only because of location and lack of other available prospects. I had other prospects at Westland.
But I only wanted one. I only cared about one. My breath caught in my throat. I only loved one.
“Send me a wedding invite, okay?” My hands shook as I tugged the blanket closer to my chest. “I won’t come, but I’ll send a nice gift.”
Henry laughed, a genuine hearty laugh. “I will. And pictures of Isabelle when she’s born.”
“A girl? Congrats.” I stood, missing the warmth of my afghan within seconds. “Will Amanda be okay with this? With you coming out here?”
“She knows where I am. She doesn’t understand why, but she knows. Our lives are always going to be intertwined as long as I work for your father. And I don’t see that changing anytime soon. She’s adjusting to that still.”
I wrapped my arms around his waist and hugged him. “Tell her thank you. And that I’d like us to be friends.”
“That might be pushing it, but I will.” Henry kissed the top of my head. It was caring in a brotherly way. “Give up the path. Take a few off-road detours every now and then, okay?”
“I will.”
“And if…Devon”—he clenched his fists as he said the name—“is the right guy for you, don’t let anyone stand in your way. You deserve to be happy. I want nothing more in the world than that for you.”
He is. The thoughts rolled through my head, the emotions through my chest. Devon made me happy.
He opened the door and disappeared inside. I settled back into my chair, feeling like I’d just sat through an episode of Dr. Phil. But Henry was right, I’d been on that path for so long that it self-destructed in front of me and I didn’t see it coming until the big explosion. It was time for a new path, a less traveled path. Instead of letting it happen, I was going to make things happen.
Starting with building this relationship between Seamus Devon Miller and me.