My heart’s being stupid. It keeps fluttering and flipping all sorts of ways like it’s trying to escape or run away. I try to swallow again, but I can’t. Instead, I snuggle closer to Sebastian on the sofa, although every inch of his side is covered with mine right now.

It’s just sex.

I keep reminding myself. Every time the nerves work their way up from my heart to my brain, I have to remind myself. It’s just sex.

Not just that, but every part of me feels like it was supposed to be this way. Like Sebastian was meant to have me. Even the little bits of me hidden away in the pages of my books, all the way down to the marrow in my bones; it was supposed to happen like this.

I haven’t told him, although I almost did earlier. We were sitting on the sofa, but not cuddling like this, sitting cross-legged, and eating Chinese food from the cartons. He’s been good at keeping the conversation going and giving me those cocky smiles. I think he’s drawing it out on purpose.

First dinner and now a movie, although it’s almost over.

And thus, my heart is doing that stupid thing knowing the movie will be over soon. I swallow it all down as best I can and nestle my head into Sebastian’s chest.

“You comfortable?” he asks me although it sounds like he’s picking on me. I only hum a response.

“You can’t go to sleep,” he tells me, and instantly my eyelids fall shut just to fuck with him. He shrugs his shoulder and I give him a look.

“Stop moving,” I complain in as flirtatious of a voice as I can and feel pride rise when he rewards me with that charming smile of his that drives me wild.

He smells like fresh woods, the kind you want to get lost in; his body is hard and dominating. Every piece of him chiseled like Adonis. I splay my hand on his chest and revel in the fact that he’s letting me.

Back in school, I thought that he was avoiding me because he was older. At least at first. Then when I realized who he was and why everyone else avoided him, I wondered how a boy like him could be interested in a girl like me. The more he avoided me, the stupider I felt.

When the only piece of reality you crave is revealed to be all in your head, it does something awful to you.

“I like you coming to me after work, but I could have picked you up.” Sebastian starts up a conversation as the credits to the comedy scroll on the screen. If someone asked me to repeat a line from what we just watched, I’d come up with nothing. All I’m thinking about is how Sebastian is going to fuck me.

I’ve masturbated but I don’t know if I have a hymen or not. I’ve used a few toys I’ve read about in books although I don’t often feel the need to do that. Not unless I read a steamier romance. Or one where the hero reminds me of Sebastian.

“I wanted to leave work early. It was a short walk.” I answer him with a shrug and try to keep my train of thought on the fact that he hasn’t made a move yet. He hasn’t done anything other than to put his arm around my shoulder and pull me to close to him under the covers on the sofa.

“You sure like to walk everywhere,” he remarks like he doesn’t like it.

“I don’t mind it.” It’s one of the things that took me a long time to do alone. I don’t know if it’s because I was old enough to understand what happened to my mother, or if I was always afraid of walking alone, but learning to accept the fear and proving it wrong is one way to cope. “Sometimes it’s nice,” I add, swallowing down the memories that beg to ruin this moment.

Sebastian shifts on the sofa and it dips, making me fall slightly.

“You ready for bed?” he asks me, pulling me back up by my waist and shifting me into his lap. His warm breath tickles my shoulder as he kisses me for the first time since we came back to his place. Right on the crook of my neck, sending shivers down my body and hardening my nipples.

My body feels alive with need. Every nerve ending is waiting to go off and sitting on an edge that feels so close.

With both of my eyes closed, I hum a response. “I was wondering what was taking you so long,” I tell him as he stands, leaving me with the chill of his immediate absence and forcing me to open my eyes.

He offers me a hand and I take it to stand but he only smirks at me, not giving me any words in the least.

Cue my stupid heart.

It’s just sex.

That ball of nerves threatens to suffocate me as I walk in time with Sebastian to the bedroom. He doesn’t waste any time stripping down to nothing. So, I follow suit. First my shirt and then my pants, but by the time I’m left in my bra and underwear, he’s already naked and stroking his erection.

Oh, my God.

My pussy heats and clenches around nothing. Fire blazes inside of me. I can’t take my stare away from him as he strokes himself.

He’s cocky as he asks me, “Need a hand?”

A voice inside of me begs me to tell him I haven’t done this before, but instead, I meet his gaze steadily and unhook my bra, letting it fall carelessly to the floor. Then I easily step out of my thong, even though I know he’s let his own gaze wander to my body.

He doesn’t say anything. No comment on my body at all as I walk to the bed and get under the covers. It’s dark in his bedroom, but there’s enough light enough to see. There’s hardly any light from the windows with the curtains drawn even though there are streetlights close by. And he left the hall light on, which he didn’t do yesterday, so that had to be on purpose. So, he could see.

Adrenaline races through my veins as the bed groans with his weight and dips.

Still, I feel like he can see everything. Even as I’m hiding under the covers.

“No covers,” he says with a playfulness I wasn’t expecting. “I get to have you my way tonight, Chloe Rose,” he teases me.

“I’m cold.” The excuse slips easily from my lips as my heart pounds furiously in my chest.

His lips find mine in a slow, languid kiss. His hot tongue dips into my mouth as he pulls back the covers.

Suddenly, I actually am cold. In every place, he isn’t touching me, and I feel like I’ll freeze to death if his hands don’t find every inch of my body right this second.

He breaks the kiss, towering over me and climbing on top of me to tell me, “I’ll warm you up.” I expect another kiss, but his lips fall to the dip below my collar. One kiss there, then one an inch below. I can’t breathe.

Goosebumps flow down my arms and the heat burrows itself in the pit of my stomach.

“I’m hot,” I moan out into the air and then my eyes open wide, realizing what I said. Sebastian could tease me, taunt me for being hot and cold, but all he does is kiss lower and lower, fueling the fire that licks over my body.

By the time his stubble is tickling my inner thighs, my hands are on his shoulders, my blunt nails digging into his skin. I’m at war with myself, not knowing if I want to push him down that last inch or push him away for fear of being inadequate.

A single languid lick from my entrance to my clit has my back bowing.

Sebastian chuckles and the vibrations nearly send me over. My cheeks are hot with embarrassment, but the threat of pushing me over so soon is looming larger and more aggressively than anything else I could feel.

His tongue flicks my clit and again I buck my hips, but his hands are already there, pushing me down and keeping me in place. Panting, I struggle to breathe and to know where to put my hands. So, I grab the sheets and fist them as he sucks my clit and massages it with his tongue.

My toes curl and a strangled sound is forced from me. With my eyes closed, I don’t see him, but I feel all of him. He shoves his fingers inside of me and a pool of desire ignites in my core when he does it, forcing my back to arch and sending waves of heat through my body that feel uncontained.

With his mouth on my clit and his fingers inside me, I scream out his name from the pleasure that rolls through me. I push myself into his face shamelessly.

He finger fucks me brutally and doesn’t let up on either ministration until I’m biting down on my lip hard enough to hurt and cumming on his hand.

The paralyzing pleasure rolls through me in waves like a vengeful tide, taking from me ruthlessly. I can’t breathe or even move as he leaves kisses along my curves and guides the head of his dick to my entrance.

The battering ram in my chest is at it again and I force my head to turn, to look him in the eyes and nearly tell him.

But his eyes are filled with shades of blue so bright, so filled with the frenzy of passion, that even if I could stop him at this moment, I wouldn’t. I won’t take this from him. He was meant to have me. And this is how he wanted me.

“I want to feel you,” he says, and his plea is a deep rumble of desire. He nudges the tip of his nose against mine. “No condom?” he asks.

No words come to me, so I simply nod my head and kiss him, eager to feel him too.

His large body is hot against mine and I shut my eyes as I’m inundated with emotion as he hovers over me, but without my eyes on him, he growls. It sounds like a growl. Deep and low in his chest, primal and threatening.

My eyes whip back to him and he crashes his lips to mine. With a gasp, I open for him and he uses that moment to spread my legs wider, nestling his hips between my legs and pushing himself inside of me just slightly.

I’m overwhelmed. Unable to come back from the high of my pleasure, from the high of knowing Sebastian wants me, and from the all-consuming kiss that he devours me with, I’m completely at his mercy.

I brace myself, ready for him to shove himself inside of me in one swift stroke. For him to tear through me and take me how I’ve always wanted him to, but as his heart slams against his chest and in tandem with mine, he pulls away from our kiss and nudges the tip of his nose against mine once again. My lashes flutter open and I stare into his gaze as he slowly pushes himself into me.

His lips are parted, and they widen just slightly as he lets out a deep breath and moves deeper inside of me.

I can’t help that my lips part as well, that they form an O as he stretches me and the sharp pain of it mixes with the sweet, lingering pleasure. As he rocks out of me and then back in, he mutters with his eyes closed, “You’re so tight,” and I don’t know what to say.

I should tell him, but I don’t. I don’t want to change anything.

“Take me,” I beg him in a whispered plea and reach up to grab his shoulders while wrapping my legs around his hips.

I wasn’t prepared for him to slam inside of me. For him to lower his lips to the crook of my neck as he fills me completely and stretches me beyond what I can handle. He groans a deep masculine sound of satisfaction as he tears through me, breathing me in and taking my virginity in a single movement. The pain makes me close my eyes tightly, it makes me tense and dig my heels into his ass. I feel hot and full, and it’s too much. It hurts. Fuck, it hurts. It’s more than I can handle.

But with my teeth clenched and no words spoken, Sebastian moves out of me slowly, giving me slight relief. It only lasts for a split second before he savagely slams back into me. My eyes close tight and I bite down on my lip to keep from screaming.

Again, and again, he thrusts, each time picking up his pace and each time the pain mixes with pleasure.

Each time I think it’s too much, but every time he pulls away, no matter how briefly, it feels like a loss. I want this, I want him. I want more.

The bliss that thrills every nerve ending is caught in a vise. I can’t control how my body begs for more, but it simultaneously wants to push him away.

It hurts.

It fucking hurts.

But it feels so good, it feels like everything I’ve ever wanted.

As he picks up his pace, my head thrashes, but Sebastian’s hands stay on my hips, pushing me down and keeping me right where he wants me. His lips roam my body, sending kisses down my neck and shoulder, over my collarbone and everywhere. It feels like he’s everywhere. And it’s almost too much—almost, but it’s not. I know it’s not because my body wants to focus on how viciously he’s fucking me.

My body focuses on the intense pain and equally intense pleasure.

Tears leak from the corner of my eyes, and I struggle to breathe, but somehow, I cry out his name. “Bastian.” It’s a single strangled breath. It’s not from the pain, not all of it anyway. It’s from everything. I’m losing myself to him and it’s everything. I wish I could stop the well of emotion pouring up from me, but with every thrust, every sound, every touch from him… I can’t stop it.

My nails rake down his back as he shoves himself deep inside of me, past the brink of pain and toward something blinding, numbing yet igniting. My head falls back limply as the pleasure rips through me, tearing every bit of me apart into a million pieces.

And then he stops, and the world is motionless with the orgasm still racing through me.

“Chlo?” Sebastian’s voice is full of worry as the rough pad of his thumb wipes at the tears still falling down my face.

“Don’t stop,” I beg him but even my voice sounds pained, and he pulls himself out of me.

“Fuck, are you okay?” he asks me and reaches across me to the nightstand, turning on the bright light. I can only close my eyes as the pleasure still rages through me. The dull pain turns to a vibrant ache as I try to close my legs and involuntarily let out a pained moan as I curl over on my side.

“No, fuck,” Sebastian’s voice, full of worry and regret sends embarrassment and shame through me, and the tears come on harder and I can’t stop them. My body is confused and the emotions inside of me are welling up and I can’t stop them.

“I’m fine,” I barely manage to say as I wipe at the embarrassing tears.

“Don’t lie to me, what did I do?” He sounds angry as he tries to push my legs apart. “Fuck,” is the last word he says before climbing off the bed and running to the bathroom. As my eyes adjust to the light, I peer down my body to see bright red staining the sheets. Both of my hands cover my face with the regret, and dread overwhelms me to the point where I wish I could disappear.

“I’m sorry.” I hear Sebastian before I see him, but even as I register his words, he’s already on the bed. He rubs a damp, warm washcloth soothingly on my inner thigh to clean me up.

The shock from the concern on his expression and how carefully he’s cleaning me without worrying about the sheets keeps me from being able to speak.

He kisses my outer thigh with his eyes still open, gives me another kiss and gets closer. “I’m sorry,” he whispers against my skin. “I knew you were tight, but fuck… I didn’t mean to hurt you.” I can’t stand the look in his eyes like this was his fault. Like he has anything to be sorry for at all.

“I’m a virgin.” The words leave an awful feeling in my throat as they come up like I’m suffocating. “I was… before… I should have told you,” I whisper with my eyes closed.

And there’s nothing but silence. He doesn’t move or speak for what feels like forever. But finally, he asks, “Does it hurt?” I shake my head no as quickly as I can, refusing to cry anymore.

“You’re crying, Chlo, please don’t lie to me. I’ll never forgive myself.”

“Please, just pretend I’m not,” I try to plead with him, my eyes still closed tightly and my hands reaching up to cover my face.

“Fuck that,” he tells me, grabbing my hands and pulling them away. “Tell me the truth,” his sternly spoken words force my eyes open. Through the haze of tears, I stare into his demanding gaze. “Did I hurt you?”

I shake my head, searching for the words to explain. “It’s a mix, but the more you…” I have to pause and swallow before continuing, “the more you’re inside of me, the better…” I struggle to calm myself and my racing heart, which doesn’t seem so stupid now for wanting to escape earlier. If I could vanish now, I would.

His hand cups my jaw, his thumb running along my bottom lip before he asks me, “Would you tell me to stop if it was too much?” Before he can even finish his question, I’m shaking my head.

“I need you to,” he demands. His voice is laced with concern plus a plea I don’t expect. “I need you to tell me.” His eyes search mine, glancing over my face as he brushes the tears away. With him maneuvering himself back to where he was, my body calms and the heat lingers in my core.

“I want you,” I beg him. “Please, I need this to be--”

“I want you too.” His words calm every bit of anxiety and I reach up to kiss him, but it’s shortened as he pulls away.

“You can have me,” he whispers before giving me a chaste kiss I try to deepen, “but you need to tell me if it hurts too much.” He says the last part with his eyes closed and then opens them, piercing me with his gaze. “Don’t do that again,” he warns me. “Don’t let me hurt you.”

His words are so full of certainty and a darkness I can’t deny, so I speak immediately. “I won’t. “I’m sorry,” I quickly add and feel the weight of regret bury the embarrassment.

“I’m afraid if you never tell me, I‘ll never know.” His confession makes me repeat myself, “I’m sorry.”

“Look at me, Chlo,” he says then grabs my chin between his thumb and forefinger. Without hesitating he kisses me once, then again and a third time, silencing the doubt and regret. A kiss from Sebastian Black soothes everything. He is the healing balm to my soul. As long as he kisses me, as long as he wants my lips to brush against his, I’m safe and cherished in a way I can’t describe. Even if it’s all in my head, it’s all I need.

With his eyes closed, his forehead resting against mine, he whispers between us, “If you don’t tell me, I will hurt you. I know I will. I know it. And I don’t want to.”

I nudge him with my nose to get him to look at me. “It hurt, but it was going too regardless,” I tell him and try to make him understand. “I thought I could hide the pain and when I couldn’t, it didn’t matter anyway because it felt… like everything.” I cling to his shoulders and make him look me in the eyes. “I promise you, I want this.” I breathe once, just once, waiting for him to say anything. “I want you and I want you to have me how you want.”

“We have time for me to… to,” he swallows thickly, “Chlo, I wanted to fucking destroy you.” His words make me blush furiously. I watch the way he swallows, mesmerized by his confession as he adds, “I wanted to make sure you still felt me tomorrow, so whoever had gotten to you before me, didn’t stand a chance at being remembered as a good lay.”

“It’s okay,” I say but can barely get the words out. The idea of still feeling him inside of me tomorrow and what his intentions were does nothing but fill me with lust and make me wish I hadn’t cried. I wish I could have hidden the pain like I’ve read about before. “You can have me, however--”

“Knock it off, Chlo,” Sebastian reprimands, but he says it with a smile that calms my nerves. “I want you to remember this for other reasons. Now that I know…”

I’m hot all over and still trying to gain control of my body and my emotions when he tells me, “Don’t hide this shit from me, Chloe Rose. I’ll find out.” His command comes out more teasing than anything else as he nudges his nose against mine. He reaches between his legs, his arm brushing my clit as he does, and it makes my head fall back against the pillow.

“I’ll tell you everything,” I promise him with the sweet feeling of pleasure building. He’s stroking himself and moving back to where he was, but every small movement brushes against me too, burning hotter than before.

“Then tell me you want me.”

The rhythm of my heart skips a beat. “I want you, Sebastian.”

It races as he tells me, “Spread your legs for me.” I obey him instantly. With him guiding himself back inside of me, I try to hide the wince from the lingering, stinging pain, but he sees. “I’ll make it feel good.” His words are soothing as he pushes himself inside of me and captures my scream with his kiss.

He rocks his hips steadily, each time brushing his pubic bone to my clit and he never takes his lips from mine. So long as I can kiss him back, he keeps his pace and massages his tongue along mine in swift strokes. A warmth floods through me as the pain morphs into divine pleasure.

I gasp for breath the second he parts his lips from mine, but then immediately he seeks them again. My eyes are closed and every touch of is his gentle, save the ruthless way he fucks me.

“Harder,” I beg him while gasping for air, but instead of harder, he moves his hand between us and pushes his thumb to my clit.

Fireworks go off along my skin and deep in the pit of my stomach and lower.

With every thrust from him, I gasp. The sounds of our breathing, of him fucking me and the bed protesting, only fuel me to want more. I don’t dare rip my eyes from his gaze as I cum, feeling him cum with me. I can feel everything, the way he pulses and puts more pressure against my walls, the way he fills me.

And then when he pulls away, I feel everything. Every sensation and tingling need to curl onto my side and recover from what he’s done to me. My body’s trembling, literally shaking.

I hear him go to the bathroom, but I can’t open my eyes to see him. It feels like he’s still there. I’m swollen and the ache is still raw.

But so is this feeling that takes over every inch of me. The rolling tide of pleasure that refuses to leave.

When he comes back to the bed, I want to ask him if it’s always like that, but I don’t.

Instead, I ask him if he wants me to take off the sheets, in a voice still breathless, but he shushes me, getting in behind me and scooting me to the other side of the bed. Even with fatigue weighing me down and the overwhelming sensation of pleasure still racing through me, I want to do something for him, anything.

Theres’s a crushing need to make things right with him, to show him that it’s okay and even better than okay. And that I’m sorry. I feel so fucking sorry.

But he hushes me again and plants a kiss on the side of my jaw, wrapping his heavy arm around me and pulling me close.

“Thank you,” I whisper although I feel foolish doing it. Sebastian doesn’t say anything; he just holds me tighter. I don’t know if I’ve ruined everything and part of me starts to wonder if I have. It was intense and emotional and I’m still riding the high, but the nagging feeling that I’m alone, and that I destroyed whatever we had creeps into my thoughts.

“How did that feel, Chloe Rose?” The deep rumble of his chest accompanies his question.

It felt like he owned me. Body and soul.

“You can do that to me whenever you want,” I answer him with sweet sorrow mixing in my chest. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but tonight, I’ll have forever.

He arranges me so I’m nestled perfectly against his chest on my side, his hand splayed on my belly as he kisses my hair and then my shoulder. Nothing but warmth and comfort flow through me. I’ve never felt so loved. Never in my life have I felt like this. So wholly wanted and cherished. It’s the way he’s brutal, but gentle just the same. I want to believe it’s because of me, because of us. That it isn’t like this with other girls. That he isn’t treating me differently because he found out I’m a virgin. And although the doubt and worry are there, tonight it feels real.

I swear I hear him whisper, “I love you, Chloe Rose,” as my eyes become heavier. He whispered it at the back of my neck. But as quickly as I thought I heard the words, I start to think I imagined it. It’s something I’ve always wanted to hear from him, and I need to hear it now. I desperately need to hear it.

I don’t know if it’s a dream, maybe one I once had long ago and wish to remember, or if it’s real. But as I feel sleep pull me under, I hold on to those words. Deep down inside of my soul, I know they’ll keep me safe.

I only wish I had the strength to say them to him.