Chapter 9
No. 8
An Everton lady will go to bed at a reasonable hour and rise by dawn.
—The Everton Companion
Rules of Conduct
It took nearly two weeks for the London agency to send another nanny candidate. Save a valet for his lordship, the rest of the house and grounds were completely staffed. All was in order. Still, Phoebe hesitated to leave Rosefield. She padded down to the kitchen after midnight, knowing the familiar sight of Markus would give her peace.
He smiled when he saw her. “I have pilfered spice biscuits from the pantry. I think Becca was hiding them from us, but she did not do a good job of it. She put them in the empty flour jar, but I know all her tricks by now.”
“You’re in a good mood.” She sat and accepted a biscuit along with the milk he’d poured for them both.
Cocking his head, his expression turned thoughtful. “I am feeling more myself, though even that makes me feel guilty.”
“Why would you feel guilty?” Phoebe longed to smooth the crease between his brows.
She had warned herself not to grow attached to a man she could not have. Jared Blunt would be a much more realistic choice, yet her heart did not respond to Jared as it did to Markus. Jared had no interest in her opinions while Markus always listened and gave his thoughts on any matter on her mind. Truthfully, the idea of a lifetime with Jared made her skin crawl, but the next twenty or thirty years alone was a terrifying prospect. She shook off both notions.
“I miss Emma every day, but not with the misery that ruled my life a month ago.” He plucked a few crumbs from the plate and ate them.
“And you think this is a bad thing?” She handed him another biscuit.
He sighed and bit off half the biscuit. “I realize how ridiculous I sound. It should be a good thing to have stopped wallowing in my own misery. Yet, this new contentment has brought a new set of problems. I could be happy, but how without Emma? It is wrong to be happy when she is gone.”
“Emma would not expect or want you to be unhappy, Markus. No one will ever doubt your love for her.” A lump clogged her throat and she forced the last words out.
“A few weeks ago, when you sent me to talk to Duck, he said something that has continued to haunt me.”
They had met in the kitchen almost every night, yet he had never mentioned any problems with Duck. “Why did you not say anything? I could have spoken to him about keeping his place.”
He shook his head and reached across the table to take her hand. “No. In his way, Duck is wiser than you might think.”
It was an innocent touch, but her breath caught and her pulse throbbed in her ears. “What did he say?”
Staring at where their hands touched, he rubbed her fingers before pulling back. His breath shuddered. “He said that I would have to forgive Emma at some point.”
“Forgive her for what?”
“For dying.”
Mortified, Phoebe prepared to storm out to the cabin where Duck lived and give him a piece of her mind. “He had no right to say such a thing. I am sorry for bullying you into apologizing. I will have a talk with him in the morning.”
“Do not do that. He was right, Phoebe. I am angry with her. My rage at the person I loved most in the world is eating me alive. It poisons my heart and soul.” He left the remaining bit of biscuit on the plate and stared at the table.
“Why did you not say something to me before, Markus? I would have tried to help.” She shook from the tears she held back. His pain flooded her. What he suffered should not be born.
“I was ashamed of these feelings.”
“Why are you telling me now?”
He stood and walked to the end of the table. With his back to her, he said, “In the past few weeks I think we have become friends, Phoebe. I need someone to talk to. I need a friend to understand.”
Rising, she rounded the table and stopped in front of him. Aching for him in a way she had only ever ached for herself. She empathized with Grand and wanted to ease her pain, but this agony she shared with Markus was different, stronger and all encompassing. “You may always tell me anything, Markus. I wish there was more that I could do for you. I would ease your suffering if I could.”
He brushed her hair back from her shoulder and ran the back of his fingers along her jaw. “You listen. That is quite a lot.”
Everywhere he touched her set her skin on fire. Here he was telling her his innermost feelings about poor Emma, and she longed for his touch more than she longed to draw breath. She stepped back. “It is nothing.”
“Do not pull away from me. Why do you do that each time we get close?” He closed the gap and cupped her cheek. In the light from one candle on the table the green of his eyes glowed, piercing her soul.
To get the words out, she had to swallow down a stone of emotion. “I am not a good person, Markus. What I want is so wrong I pray daily for strength. You will be all right now. It might be best if I take my leave of Rosefield.”
Leaning until his lips were only a breath from hers, he said. “You are the best person I have ever met. Nothing you might want could ever be wrong.”
Her head told her to pull away, but she lifted onto her toes to reach his lips. Soft and strong they pulled desire from her.
His arms encompassed her.
This was what she wanted. To be in his arms, in his bed, in his life. He devoured her lips and she opened for him, clutching his jacket with both hands.
Phoebe couldn’t breathe, didn’t want to breathe. She melded to his body like a wanton, drawing his lips and tongue into her mouth and savoring his taste. The voice in her head screamed, This is wrong. She shoved against his chest and stumbled until her back hit the counter. “I am sorry, Markus. I cannot do this. I loved Emma, and what we are doing is a mistake. The nanny is hired. I will pack my things and Honoria and I will be out of your house tomorrow.”
He called after her as she sprinted from the kitchen.
His footsteps followed her all the way back to her room where she bolted the door and leaned against the cool wood and closed her eyes.
From the hallway, his voice filtered through the door. “I know you can hear me, Phoebe. These feelings I have for you may be wrong, but I cannot deny them. I assume by your distress that you share the same feelings, but if all of this is too difficult, I will keep my place and not pursue you. Please do not leave yet. Elizabeth and Rosefield still need you. I need you.”
The light clomp of his footsteps moved further away until they faded. She opened her eyes to the moonlit room and stared into the eyes of Honoria. Her heart jumped into her throat and she stifled the scream. “Good Lord, Honoria, you scared me to death.”
“Clearly not.” Honoria stood from the chair near the dwindling hearth.
“What are you doing in my room?” Phoebe added a piece of wood to the fire and waited for it to catch. Winter was nearly upon them and the drafty house grew cold.
“I heard a noise but when I got here you were not in your bed. I know of your habit of snacking in the wee hours, so I waited to make sure you were all right.” She cocked her head. “Are you all right?”
Flopping into the other chair, she puffed out the breath she’d been holding. “I hardly know.”
“Has his lordship fallen in love with you?” Honoria sat with her hands in her lap. Her gaze piercing, she held back the quirk of a smile.
“No. He is fond of me, perhaps, but love…No. Still, I think it best if we leave tomorrow morning.” Resolved to do the sensible thing, she tugged her wrapper tighter and made a mental list of things she would do in the morning to make sure Rosefield was in order.
Honoria stood and rounded the chair. She put her hands on the high back and watched Phoebe. “If you think that is best, my dear. From where I stand, it seems you might like to stay here awhile. After all, two men vying for your attention at one location is cause to stay rather than flee.”
“I know at my age I should be begging one of them to marry me, but…”
“Do you love one of them? Maybe both of them.” A full smile burst onto Honoria’s face and she made no attempt to hide her glee, clapping and letting her eyes go dreamy.
“I most certainly do not love them. Love is for fools.”
“Your friend Emma was no fool and she clearly loved his lordship. Why should you think loving him would be foolish?”
Flustered, Phoebe added more wood to the fire. “I am not in love with anyone, so the point is moot.”
“Fine, no need to burn the house down, Phoebe. If you wish to leave, we will leave.”
It took a force of will to push the next words out. “I do wish to leave.”
In truth, she wished for a great many things, none of which included leaving Markus and none of which were possible. Leaving was the only option. The nanny, Miss Walker, had arrived and appeared kind, if not very bright. She would be fine. Phoebe had wished for someone sharper, but Miss Walker was the best the agency could offer for the moment.
“I will have Margery pack my things after we break our fast. Good night, my dear.” Honoria walked to the door. “I am sure Mr. Blunt will continue his interest in London. He hardly seems the type to let distance stand in his way.”
“Good night, Honoria.”
When the door closed, Phoebe opened the window to let some cool air in. The roaring fire had turned the bedroom into an oven. She rolled her eyes and wished Grand was there to give her advice.
* * * *
The servants whispered at the bottom of the stairs when Phoebe came down to break her fast. “What is going on?”
Mrs. Donnelly broke from the cluster and shooed the maids back to work. “It has been an interesting morning, Miss.”
“Has it?” Phoebe reached the bottom step and waited for more information. Interesting could be good or bad. Arwen was in her room, packing her things. Whatever it was, it would make no difference in a few hours. She would go back to Everton and await her next assignment.
“Oh yes. Mr. Blakely, his lordship’s valet, has returned and the two have been closeted in the study for nearly an hour.”
There, all was well. She could leave in good conscience knowing Markus was fine. “That is good news.”
“There is more. His lordship fired Miss Walker within moments of waking this morning. It seems he gave her a month’s pay and put her in his carriage back to London.”
Phoebe’s stomach clenched. “Why on earth would he do that? I know she wasn’t perfect, but she was all that was available.”
Mrs. Donnelly shrugged. “His lordship did not explain his actions to me. Why would he? He just said she would be leaving and sent the new driver, Dobson, to take her all the way back to London. Fine style to travel for a girl of her status.”
“It took two weeks to get that nanny. Lord only knows how long it will take me to find another with whatever qualifications his lordship wants.” Phoebe sat on the bottom step and put her head in her hands. What was she to do now? She couldn’t leave Elizabeth to be raised by maids and cooks, no matter how kind they were.
The door to Markus’s study opened and a thin-faced man in his mid-thirties exited. He nodded to Mrs. Donnelly and took the steps two at a time.
Phoebe walked to the threshold of the open study door.
Markus sat behind his desk penning a note.
“What have you done?” she asked.
He looked at her then back at his note. “I am writing to my brother, Adam, at Eton. I have a note from my sister that they will visit and wanted to see if my brother might join us as well.”
“That is all well and good, but why did you fire Miss Walker?”
He put his writing aside. “She was unsuitable to the job.”
“How so?” Remaining in the door meant that when Honoria descended the stairs, she walked directly into the conversation.
“You fired the nanny already?” Honoria walked past Phoebe and sat in the chair near the desk.
“I did, my lady. I found the girl to be inept.”
Honoria fussed with the lace at her sleeve. “In what way?”
“I just asked that.” Phoebe gave in and sat in the other chair.
“This morning when I came down, she was sitting on the stool in the alcove sewing a piece of scrap. I was sure Elizabeth was awake by that time so I asked her what she was doing. She said she never went to get a child before eight bells. I thought that a strange rule, but perhaps not so terrible. It might teach Elizabeth patience if she had to wait. So, I asked Miss Walker what she intended to teach Elizabeth today and she said they would learn some geography. Intrigued, I asked how she would teach a child of two such a topic, and she said she would show Elizabeth shapes. At that point, I explained her services would not be needed, paid her for one month, and sent for the carriage.”
Honoria bubbled with laughter.
“You could have given her more time.” Phoebe’s declaration lacked conviction, even to herself.
His smile was warm and stunning and Phoebe wanted to cry. “Time to learn the difference between geography and geometry? I think she might have learned that long before she was meant to teach my daughter. But to be fair, I did inquire about her command of language and it turned out she only spoke English. No French or German as her references indicated.”
“We were leaving today.”
Markus stood. “If you must go, I understand. You are welcome to stay, of course. My family will arrive at the end of the week, and it would be nice if someone was here to care for Elizabeth properly. However, I can manage on my own for a month or so until a proper nanny can be hired.”
Imagining him fumbling around with Elizabeth’s care and perhaps becoming overwhelmed and taking to drink again rocked Phoebe’s resolve to leave. “I will go and tell our maids to stop packing. You really must stop firing the staff, my lord.”
Laughing still, Honoria followed her out but went to the breakfast room when Phoebe climbed the stairs.
When she returned to break her fast, she was ravenous and filled her plate from the delights on the sideboard. He had manipulated her into staying. Why?
Becca brought her chocolate.
Jared arrived and sat next to her. “You look lovely this morning, Miss Hallsmith.”
Men and their useless compliments. She was tired and hungry and had not bothered to smooth her curls. Nothing about her was lovely, yet he issued the compliment anyway. “I thank you, Mr. Blunt. You are here early.”
“Yes. His lordship and I have a busy day.”
“I’m sure you do.” She stuffed a piece of sausage in her mouth, hoping it would deter further conversation.
“I finally got an audience with your brother yesterday.”
The notion of her brother Ford was enough to make the food in her stomach churn. “How nice for you.”
“It was a good meeting.” There was something smarmy about his smile.
She hadn’t noticed it before, but her skin crawled. Determined not to ask, she bit into some coddled eggs.
Clearing his throat, he leaned forward so she was forced to look at him. “I have not gained his approval to court you, though he did not outright deny my petition. He mentioned something about another offer being imminent. Is this true?”
Tension forced her back straight. Ford was up to something and that was never good. “Mr. Blunt, I cannot imagine what he is talking about. As I told you, I am estranged from my family.”
His frown deepened and a nasty little grunt pushed up from his chest. “You really should make amends. It is unfortunate for a woman to be without friends.”
“Mr. Blunt, I believe you have just overstepped your bounds. Please refrain from any further advice with regard to my life and how I live it.”
He huffed. “I only meant…”
Elizabeth giggled and Mrs. Donnelly used the opportunity to push a spoonful of porridge into her mouth. Making bubbles with the gruel made the most disgusting mess roll down her sweet face.
Jared gagged. “Is it necessary for that child to be at the table with adults? Shouldn’t she be fed in the kitchen or nursery?”
Phoebe took longer than necessary to chew and swallow her sausage. A lifetime of simple things disgusting Jared flashed through her mind. She supposed he would not look upon his own children until they were of school age for fear of vomiting at the least bit of mess. “His lordship likes to have Lady Elizabeth close at hand during meals. He was here a moment ago. Perhaps you would like to discuss his daughter’s care before your important business?”
Mrs. Donnelly smothered a laugh and scooped the food from Elizabeth’s chin and back into her mouth.
Another gag from Jared. He might become sick from watching a baby eat. “It is not my place to discuss such things, but I was not allowed to eat with my parents until I was out of school.”
Phoebe’s appetite fled. “No. It is not your place. You should go to the study.”
Just noting her annoyance, he stood. “I will be here for several hours. Perhaps you and I could walk in the garden later today when the sun warms the ground a little.”
“I am very busy today.” It was too bad Ford’s lack of approval hadn’t dissuaded Jared’s attempt at courting.
“Doing what?” His sharp tone set her teeth grinding.
The feeding had stopped in light of the argument building between Phoebe and Jared. Mrs. Donnelly and Elizabeth both watched with wide eyes and open mouths. “I need not report to you, Mr. Blunt. When a lady tells you she is too busy to walk in the garden, you should be polite and say you will see her another time. Just as when a child of a viscount is fed in the breakfast room, you might say nothing and mind your own business. I wonder that this need to correct the behavior of others is not a flaw in your own character. If you will excuse me.” She stood, dropped her napkin on her chair and turned toward the door.
Honoria stood in the threshold grinning like she was watching a stage play.
“Must you be at the center of everything all the time?” Phoebe rushed past and up the steps.
“Time to go to work, Mr. Blunt. It seems you have done quite enough here.” Honoria’s voice lilted after Phoebe.
She reached her room, and thankfully Arwen had finished her duties. The room was blissfully empty. Opening the window, Phoebe let the cold blast ease her annoyance. Men always wanted to change things to suit themselves. Some wanted to change women too, but Phoebe could not and would not change. That had become clear in Scotland. She would never make that mistake again.
A knock startled her and the cold sank in. “Come in.”
Markus opened the door and stepped inside. He left the door standing open. “I heard yelling, then stomping. Are you all right?”
“I am fine. Can no one leave me in peace?”
He took a step back. “You are angry with me?”
“No. I am tired of men who think they know better.” Returning her gaze to the garden, she watched Duck shooing some goats from the path toward the gate.
“I am not at all certain what you are talking about, but I can assure you I do not know better about anything. I hope that makes you feel more content.”
“Oh, but you think you do, Markus. You thought it would be better to fire the nanny before we found a new one.”
He stepped close until he stood just behind her. “Is that what you are upset about? Perhaps I should have consulted you, but at the time I felt the girl was completely unsuitable and would do more harm than good.”
“It does not matter.” She turned, but his closeness was too much, and she skirted him and stood near the hearth. “Your family is coming to visit and I should not be here. Honoria and I will leave as soon as I can arrange for another nanny. Even if it takes a little while for her to arrive, I see no need for me to stay. Elizabeth is safe and in better spirits since you are taking time with her. I will only need a few days to communicate with the agency and make the arrangements.”
Fisting his hands, he stood straight as a tree. “If you are so keen to go, then you should go now. I can certainly pen a letter to the agency. Though I do not see what you are in such a rush to get back to.”
It took her several full breaths to be sure her voice would be steady. “My life, you arrogant man. I have a life. I missed all my best years taking care of my ailing grandmother. I should be married with children by now but instead I am taking care of you and your family.”
“Then you will go off and help someone else. What life is it that you have? I find this self-pitying side of you unpleasant, Phoebe. You went to take care of your grandmother because it was the right thing to do. You have spent the last month here, because you knew we needed you. If you want to go, then go, but do not blame me. You made your choices, and if I recall, I did not want you to come here to begin with.”
He was right, of course. Slumping into the chair, she sighed and put her head in her hands. “I never regretted my decision to care for Grand. I had five wonderful years with her and nearly married in Scotland. It would have been nice to have had a season in London where I could have enjoyed myself with youthful enthusiasm and not worried that I was too old. My life this last year has been tolerable, and I have people to take care of with each Everton assignment.”
His expression softened and he sat next to her. “I do not want to fight, Phoebe. I only wanted to make certain that Blunt had not upset you. Now I see that whatever has upset you goes beyond Blunt or even me. You may tell me anything. I am your friend, and will listen to whatever worries you have.”
Impossible. He was the last person she could ever talk to about her problems. “I thank you for your kindness, Markus, but I am fine. My only problem stems from a lack of sleep for far too many nights.”
“This is something I can understand. Maybe we are going about it the wrong way. Eating each night does not seem to get us anywhere, but it has added to my waistline.” He laughed and the sound tingled along her skin.
“What do you suggest?”
“Meet me in my study tonight instead of the kitchen. Perhaps a little reading would be better medicine than pie and biscuits.”
A clandestine meeting was a big mistake, yet she didn’t have the strength or desire to say no to him. Only a fool would meet a man who she could never have in his study in the middle of the night. “If I cannot sleep tonight, I will come to the study.”