Chapter 20

A warm, soft mouth touched Rose’s forehead. The scrape of whiskers tickled her nose, familiar lips nibbled over her face, and then pressed more insistently against her lips.

She knew it was Philip. She recognized the way he always used to cradle her when he stayed the night, as if she was the most important person in the world to him.

Like it used to be.

She did not know where to go from here. So much had happened to them over the past four months. She knew what she wanted. She wanted to marry this man, but she also wanted him to love her. His dalliance with Faith she would forgive, but could she forgive other dalliances that might come? What if he could never fully give her his heart?

She already knew the answer. This time, she would not let pride stand in her way.

Her ordeal at Francis’s and Kirkwood’s hands had brought it home to her that life was full of risks. She wanted Philip in her life, in their child’s life. She would risk everything if, by the slightest chance, Philip could come to love her the way she deserved to be loved.

“I know you’re awake,” Philip teased in her ear. “And I know you’re hungry. Your stomach has been growling for the last hour.”

She stretched and yawned. “How long have I slept?” She opened her eyes—and got a shock. They were in Philip’s bed at Flagstaff Castle.

On previous visits, when she’d been invited to stay, she’d crept in here in the dark of night many times. However, this was not nighttime. Sunlight danced across the cheval mirror in the corner of the room, and in its reflection she saw the two of them lying in his bed. Well, she was in the bed; he was fully dressed lying on the bedspread.

“Why am I here?”

“Because you’ve been asleep for more than ten hours, my love.” He patted her on the bottom. “Come. You need to eat.”

She’d meant, why was she in his bed? And then the smell of toast and other foods hit her nostrils and made her mouth water. “You know the way to my heart, my lord. Food is just what I need.”

“Anything for you, my love. Anything,” he added softly.

He sounded so serious she rolled over so she could see his eyes. “Anything?”

“Absolutely anything you desire.” He stopped talking and gazed down at her with such sadness in his eyes she wanted to cry. “I’ve got such a lot to apologize for. I let my own guilt and insecurities almost destroy what we share. I hope I haven’t destroyed us already. Have I?”

She would not get a better opportunity. She might have to marry him but she did not want there to be any more confusion or lies between them.

“When I was eighteen,” she said slowly, “I was a timid mouse. I let my father sell me into a marriage that would benefit my family. But even as I stood at the altar I knew I’d never be happy. My legs shook so badly I could barely walk, and when I promised to love, honor, and obey, I knew that I’d do none of those things.”

She stopped, fighting back tears and memories. “When Roxborough took my hand in his and pressed a kiss to my cheek—because we were now man and wife—I shuddered with revulsion.”

“I’m so sorry,” Philip said quietly. “It should never have happened to you.”

She waved his sympathy away. “I’m not asking for your pity. I’m trying to say that my marriage changed me. I learned I wasn’t a timid mouse. I learned I was capable, that I could pursue what made me happy, and that it wasn’t wrong for me to want joy and love. Marriage to Roxborough made me believe that I did not want to ever remarry—but it also gave me Drake, the most precious gift of all. What I feel for him is a love truly consuming.”

She reached out and cupped Philip’s cheek, hoping he understood. “Life’s trials and tribulations affect us, mold, or twist us into the people we become. We react to the circumstances we face. And I understand why you feel you must put Robert first, before me.”

He stiffened. “I need to explain. I don’t—”

“Shhh.” She pressed a finger to his lips. “Shhh, let me finish.”

She needed to, before she lost her nerve. “As a young girl I used to be infatuated with you. The closer my marriage to Roxborough came, the more I thought I loved you. But it wasn’t love. I was a scared and lonely child who didn’t know what love was.”

It embarrassed her now to know it was true. “When we started our affair I had no thoughts to the future—except I was sure I never wanted to remarry. And if I hadn’t met you I would probably still feel that way. But then I got to know the man you’d become.”

“Rose,” he said more urgently. “If you would just let me—”

“Not yet.” She couldn’t let him distract her. “It was so easy to fall in love with you, Philip. And when I fell in love with you, my desire for a future filled with marriage, children, and love, grew strong. I wanted that future with you, but I did not know how to tell you. You never spoke of the future, and you made it quite clear that marriage was not for you. It hurt to learn you did not love me enough to leave the ghost of Robert behind. But this—being kidnapped, the threat on Drake’s life—has taught me life is fleeting.”

A tear slipped down her face. Best she get it over with quickly. “I have something I need to tell you. Something that might make you angry. But it’s something I will never regret—even if it means I am forced to marry you…another man who does not love me.” She paused before looking him in the eye and said, “I am carrying your child.”

She waited for an explosion of disbelief, of anger. But the expression she saw on Philip’s face was joy. He pulled her into his arms and kissed her soundly.

When he finally let her up for air, his words were the ones she once dreamed he might say. “I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy. Our babe, our child. How did I get so lucky?”

“Lucky?” She pushed at his chest and eyed him suspiciously. “You are not angry?”

“Do I look angry?” He kissed her again, smiling like a cat that’d discovered a pail of cream. “No, I’m not angry.” Then his smile faded. “But I will regret until the day I die the fact that you were afraid to tell me such wonderful news. I will grovel for as long as you want me to. It should have been the happiest moment in our relationship, and I took that joy from you. Will you forgive me?”

Didn’t he understand? “But you will have to marry me now, unless—” Her smile died and she shoved out of his arms. “Or do you think you can treat me as you have Faith? That I’ll conveniently marry another, so as not to shame you?”

“What?” His look of confusion irritated her more. “What has Faith got to do with anything? And no, by God, you will not be marrying anyone but me.”

Now she was incensed on Faith’s behalf as well as her own. “How can you ask what Faith has to do with it? She’s the other woman carrying your child.”

For a breath, Philip looked completely blank. Then he burst out laughing. When he laughed so hard he nearly rolled off the bed, her temper got the better of her. She shoved him hard, sending him tumbling to the floor with a crash.

And still the wretched man laughed.

She crawled to the edge and glared down at him. “I don’t think it is at all funny.”

“Oh, Rose.” Philip rolled onto his knees. “My darling, Faith is not carrying my child. I have no idea who the father of her child is—probably one of the customers at the brothel Maxwell saved her from.”

Brothel? Oh, no! Rose sat back, torn between joy and embarrassment. She’d been right when she’d told Faith that Philip was a kind man. She’d been wrong when she’d thought he had betrayed her.

Philip crawled back onto the bed and knelt before her, all laughter silenced. “How could you possibly think I needed any other woman when I had you?” He reached out and cradled her face in his palm. “You. My bright, courageous, flirtatious, warm, sensual, beautiful Rose.”

He thought she was courageous. “Probably because you did not wish to marry me,” she said, trying to sound haughty.

“I was a fool.” He gave her that smile, the one that turned her inside out. “An imbecile. A chump.” His smile died. “Once again I’ve made a muck of everything. I was arrogant enough to think that I was solely responsible for Robert’s death. And you were correct that day when you challenged me about Robert. I did not believe I deserved to be happy. I thought that I was benefiting from my brother’s death—a death to which I had in some way contributed. But now I realize I need to find a way to live with that guilt. Being a martyr changes nothing.”

That sounded hopeful. “So what will you do?”

He moved until there was barely an inch separating them. Rose was sure she could hear the steady beating of his heart. “And now I realize why Robert did what he did. He died for the love of another. He died because he loved me. It made me realize that, without those we love, life is not worth living. I will serve, protect, and cherish those I love. That is how I can best honor my brother.

“I’m ashamed it took almost losing you to make me understand the truth—that love is all that matters, and the greatest part of ourselves that we can give to another. Even were you not carrying my child, I would beg for your hand in marriage, because I love you more than anything or anyone in this world.”

Then he kissed her.

It started out gentle, but soon turned to want, need, and passion. She tasted his desperation, his regret, but most of all, his love. It was his way of showing her he meant every word.

She put everything she had into the kiss. She hoped it would never end.

And then her stomach growled.

They broke apart laughing.

“I think we should eat,” Philip said. “You’ll need your strength for tonight when I show you just how much I love you.”

She giggled like an excited young girl. “I shall look forward to wearing you out first.”

He winked and moved off the bed. “Either way I win.”

It was as though they had never been apart. Love flowed between them as comfortable as the silky robe he lifted onto her shoulders. As warm as his smile.

He led her to the small table Wilson had set up in the bedchamber. It was covered with her favorite dishes.

Philip held out a chair for her, waited until she was seated, and then took the one opposite her. “As soon as the snow clears we will head to London. Drake needs to hear the news from us, and we want him with us when we marry by special license.” He smiled across at her—and, to her surprise, proceeded to pour her a cup of tea. “I want my family together.”

Tears pricked behind her eyes. “Thank you. That’s perfect. Drake already loves you as much as I do.”

“I love the boy, too. I shall take a petition to the chancery to have Kirkwood removed as Drake’s legal guardian, and—with your permission—I’d be honored to take on the role.”

“I would like that very much.” She pinched herself. “This seems like a dream. I’m so happy. I love you so much.”

He reached for her hand. “We will make our life more than a dream. It will be real, full of desire, respect, friendship, and lots of love.”

“Yes, please. That’s a dream I want to live every day.”

“With you by my side, my beautiful Rose, I know our love will only grow stronger. Now, eat your breakfast. Mother wants to see you and to welcome you to the family.”

Family.

The very word used to revolt her. But now it thrilled her, made her heart sing. And this time she would have a family based on love.

Love. The strongest foundation of all.