Zoe narrowed her eyes, envisioning that perfect, round hole. She clenched her fist, feeling the smooth firmness beneath her fingers. She shifted it slightly, getting the feel for the weight of it.
She couldn’t drive it right up the middle. No, that was too easy. She had to prove to Levi that she could keep up, that she was just as good as he was. She was aiming for that sweet spot, the hole at the far back. It was risky, but she’d get the big points for it. And if she gave Levi what he wanted, maybe she’d get what she wanted.
Zoe tightened her grip and brought her arm back. She aimed for the center, but at the last second put a spin on it. It curved up the side, popping up into the air and slipped perfectly into the hole hardest to get in.
She cried out in surprise, jumping up and down. “I did it! I don’t ever remember getting it in that hole.”
Levi nodded approvingly, clearly impressed with her beginner’s luck. “It’s a tough one. But it feels good, right?”
“Yeah. I’m getting pretty good at this. Let’s do it again.”
Laughing, Levi dug another coin out of his pocket and slipped it into the Skeeball machine. Their scores set back to zero and the machine rumbled as it spat out new balls.
Zoe reached down and picked one up. “You know, when you said you wanted to have fun…”
“I meant that I wanted to have fun,” Levi said. “You know how to do that right? Fun? It’s that thing that makes you smile.”
She rolled her eyes and gave him a sarcastic look.
“Yeah, kind of like that, but with less contempt.”
She laughed. “I know how to have fun. I just assumed that you’d put a smile on my face a different way.”
He paused mid swing. “What? You didn’t enjoy yourself this afternoon? You looked like you were having fun at the time. Big boy didn’t do it for you?”
No, she thought. It only left her wanting more from him. But she wasn’t about to tell him that in case he thought more meant more. “I just didn’t take you for an arcade man, that’s all.”
“Me? I’m practically a kid at heart.”
She looked him up and down. “Okay, well that I can see.”
“Hmm, I’m going to choose not to be offended by that.”
“That’s probably best since you drove me here.” She gave him a wink. “Okay, show me what you’ve got. And don’t be too sore when you lose.”
“Getting cocky, are you? Okay, you’re on.”
They went shot for shot. It was close, but in the end, Zoe beat him by ten points.
As they left the Musée Mécanique with its variety of antique games, they began to walk down The Embarcadero toward Pier 39. It was scorching in the late-afternoon sun, but bearable with the breeze blowing across the bay.
Zoe felt bad for dropping Freddy off at her mother’s, but it was probably for the best. With the sidewalk crowded with tourists, joggers, and dog walkers, she thought it would have been overwhelming for him. Although, he would have enjoyed the music drifting out of each restaurant they passed by.
“So why music?” she asked Levi as they walked. “What made you want to join a band?”
“My parents introduced me to music at a young age,” he said. “They enrolled me in piano lessons when I was five, violin when I was eight, and trumpet when I was eleven.”
“Wow. That’s a lot of instruments. You must have been a natural.”
“I think they wanted a one-man symphony,” he said, making her laugh. “I was lucky it came pretty easily to me. But while my parents were obsessed with classical, when I was fifteen, I bought my first guitar. I broke their hearts with my newfound love for rock and roll.”
“And a star was born,” she said in a voice fit for the magnitude of the statement.
He shoved her playfully for making fun of him. “Yes, it’s true. I’ve always been this amazing,” he joked. “But because I’d been introduced to a wide variety of music growing up, I had an appreciation for all of it. Jazz, swing, classical, hip-hop, blues. You name it. I like to incorporate what I love about each one into my own style.”
“I’ve noticed. You definitely have your own style.” And she didn’t just mean his musical tastes. She couldn’t exactly pin him as a rock star lead singer, or a Martha Stewart, or anything really. He was just Levi. “Your parents must be really proud of you.”
He snorted. “Not really. They wanted me to learn music to become well rounded. They didn’t think I’d go and try to make a career out of it. They wanted me to be an accountant, like my successful father. They saw me following in his footsteps, joining his firm, taking over the company one day.”
“I guess that’s not what you saw for yourself.”
“I tried it their way at first. I went to college, took the courses that they wanted me to, graduated with honors.” When she gave him a surprised look, he said, “Oh, yeah, I’m not just a pretty face, you know.”
She smiled, but thought it wise not to say anything in case she offended him. But honors? Definitely no pigeonholing him at all.
“But in the end,” he continued, “it just wasn’t me. I will always have my parents to thank for my gift and my education. They only wanted what was best for me, but I had to follow my dreams.”
“But isn’t that what’s best for you?” she asked. “To do what you love to do? To do what makes you happiest?”
“Well, sometimes my parents thought they knew better than I did when it came to what made me happy.”
Zoe snorted. “I can sympathize with that. My mom tries to manipulate my life all the time.” She’d been dreading her date with her supposed future husband all week, and it was already happening the next day.
The sounds of their footsteps changed as they reached Pier 39, click-clacking on the wooden boards, sounding almost musical to Zoe’s ears.
“So you went against your parent’s wishes and gave into your love of music,” Zoe summed up. “Admit it. You did it for the girls.”
“I’m not going to say it hurt. And it eventually worked, too.” He shoved his hands into his pockets. It was such a self-conscious gesture, something she didn’t often see with him. “That’s how I met my ex-wife.”
Her head snapped toward him. “Ex-wife? You were married?”
Levi reached out and tugged her toward him just as she was about to walk head-long into an antique lamppost. “As a matter of fact, I was,” he said pointedly. “You don’t have to say it like that. Like, how could I possibly convince someone to marry me?”
“No. No.” She cringed at her lack of manners. “I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry.”
Zoe wasn’t sure what she’d assumed. That he was some trumpet-playing band geek who came out of his shell after high school and turned into a hot wannabe rock star to make up for lost time? That he played gigs for the booze, the women, and the lifestyle?
When she’d first met him, she imagined him hooking up with groupies and fan girls who lingered after last call to get their tits signed. Although, him stumbling into the Fisher-Well’s wedding with a lipstick smear on his cheek might have had something to do with that. That is, until she got to know his boy-next-door side.
But at one point he’d been the kind of man who had promised forever, who had committed to one woman for the rest of his life—or at the time, he believed so.
Was he still that man? Is that why he wanted more from Zoe? Because he was the settling-down type?
They headed up a set of wooden steps to the upper level of the pier where a series of wooden walkways zigzagged over the busy shopping area. It was far quieter above the popular tourist shops and allowed them to talk without having to dodge people taking photos or kids racing around, vibrating due to all the sugar from the candy stores.
Maybe that’s why he’d brought her there that day, she thought. So they could talk, get to know one another. And she was certainly getting to know a lot about him. She got the feeling she’d been roped into another date. And it frightened her—mostly because she was actually enjoying herself.
This was exactly what she’d wanted to avoid right from the start with Levi. The more. And usually she could avoid it with men, but Levi hadn’t given up like all the others before him.
“So how did you meet your wife?” she finally asked, when the shock wore off.
“Ex-wife,” he said pointedly. “We met at a bachelorette party I was performing at.”
“A bachelorette party? And let me guess, she was impressed by your instrument.” She arched her eyebrows.
He didn’t rise to the suggestiveness in her voice. Usually so playful and easygoing, she was surprised at how serious the topic made him. “I guess she saw something in me. At first, anyway.” He laughed without smiling. “I can’t tell you what that was.”
As they came to another set of stairs, they descended them. Here it was considerably noisier, but not because of the people. Three hundred or more sea lions lounged on the floating docks just to the west of the pier, lined up nose to tail, sometimes thirty of them per dock.
Zoe leaned against the fence and listened to them bark. They didn’t seem at all disturbed by the people snapping photos of them basking in the hot sun.
The view of the bay was amazing. To their left, Zoe could just see Coit Tower perched on its hill, and to their right lay Alcatraz, lonely in the middle of the bay.
After a few moments, they realized that it was far too noisy to talk. By an unspoken agreement, they moved on.
“How long have you been divorced?” Zoe asked.
“Five years,” Levi said. “I like to think that I learned a thing or two from my first marriage.”
“And what’s that?” she asked.
“How to be a good partner,” he said. “How to be happy in a relationship, and how to keep a woman happy.”
“So what happened? She wasn’t happy?” She paused, shaking her head at her big mouth again. “I’m sorry. That was rude. You don’t have to answer that.”
“It’s okay,” he said. “No, she wasn’t happy. Not from lack of trying, though.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, she wanted extravagant meals, so I learned to cook. She wanted to travel, so I took her all over the world. Finally, she wanted nicer things, a bigger house, a more expensive car.”
“How many gigs did you have to play for all that?”
“I had to quit music. She convinced me to reach out to my family again. To my parents. My dad got me a job in his company for a while. I was a real Aiden Caldwell type. Wore a suit and everything.” He ran a hand down his faded T-shirt uncomfortably, like he was smoothing down a tie.
“You behind a desk?” Zoe couldn’t keep the surprise out of her voice. She tried to imagine him without the gelled hair, the black nails, the leather wrist bands, the ever-increasing piercings—were his ears always pierced?
She shook her head. “I can’t see it. So let me guess, she still wasn’t happy?”
“No. She wasn’t. In the end, she said she needed space to figure out what she wanted. It turned out what she wanted was my best friend. Ex-best friend.” He pulled a face. “I guess I just wasn’t enough for her.”
“I’m sorry.” Zoe’s heart lurched in her chest. She thought of the way she’d felt when Chelsea revealed she was engaged to Sean. And Chelsea was her enemy. She thought that had been the worst-case scenario. But she supposed it would be worse to lose your partner to your best friend.
As Levi stood in line for tickets to get on the carousel, Zoe stared at him. Maybe she’d stumbled upon that rare breed of man, the nice guy. The guy who wanted a girl for all the right reasons. Whenever she’d been pursued by a man in the past, it wasn’t exactly for her sharp wit or eye for organization. But Levi was different.
They climbed the bright red stairs to the second story of the carousel where the most famous sights in San Francisco were painted over their heads. Bright, round light bulbs flashed down on them, reflecting off the shiny gold poles holding the colorful horses in place.
Levi gestured for Zoe to choose one. She headed for a fierce black horse with courage painted in the twinkle in his eye, teeth bared as it fought against its restraint. Since it had come to a stop at its highest point, she had to raise her leg to slip her foot into the stirrup—the skirt made it a little awkward.
As she went to jump, she felt Levi’s hands help push her up and into the saddle. She sat sidesaddle so she didn’t flash everyone that was watching from the pier below or climbing onto their own horses—it was a family-friendly place, after all.
Levi chose the one directly next to hers. It happened to be a docile mare adorned with a pink saddle and bright, girly flowers.
To be the focus of a nice guy’s attentions was, well, flattering. And yet it had her wanting to leap off the end of the pier and swim as far away as she could. To make up an excuse and grab a taxi home. But since her horse suddenly jerked and the ride began to go around, she chose to stay.
“I’m sorry that happened to you,” she said over the classic carousel music playing happily around them, because she meant it. And also because she couldn’t think of anything else to say that didn’t sound trivial.
He shrugged, but it wasn’t the same as his usual shrug, because it was a big deal. “It was for the best, because I rediscovered what I wanted. And that was music. I quit my dad’s firm and started the band. Ever since then, I’ve put everything I’ve got into it because, I guess, I want to prove to my family, and especially my ex, that I’m worth something the way I am.”
Zoe watched his handsome face as he spoke. By the way he said it, she wondered if he believed that he was, or if he was trying to prove it to himself too.
“None of them ever believed I could get anywhere in music,” he continued. “I want to show them that I can make it without their help or support. Without selling out and doing something I hate for more money. And I guess it might feel a little cool to be staring back at my ex in a grocery-store aisle one day from the front cover of Rolling Stone.”
Zoe laughed. “I imagine that would feel very satisfying.”
She recalled how eager he’d been to gain Holly’s attention at the expo. Despite how aggravating the reporter could be, an interview with her would certainly boost his career. She could see why he wanted it so badly.
“The divorce must have been a tough way to learn what you really wanted,” she said.
“It was,” Levi agreed. “But it also showed me that I wanted a woman who knew what she wanted. Who’s direct, honest to a fault, determined.”
Zoe blushed as she realized he was listing all the things he admired about her.
“I want a woman strong enough to say what she wants and is capable of getting it, of grabbing life by the balls.”
“So is that how you grabbed life by the balls?” she asked. “You wanted to settle down with a wife and have a couple kids? Doesn’t seem so rock star to me. What about the concert tours, and groupies, and hotel-room trashing?”
“I don’t think that’s what that means,” he said. “Grabbing life by the balls means following your dreams, reaching out and taking what you want, living life to the fullest, whatever that might mean to you. Maybe even doing something that scares you.” He gave her a meaningful look.
“And you don’t think that’s what I’m doing?” She shifted in her saddle to face him. “I’m fighting for my business, my independence. I do what I love to do. No one gets to tell me what to do. It’s the beauty of being single.” Well, she relented in her head. Her mother was telling her to go on a date the next night, but that was different.
“You can’t live life to the fullest by only living part of it,” he told her. The calm way in which he said it, like he was some fortune cookie come to life, grated on her like the music was starting to.
She snorted. “Just because I don’t want the white-picket-fence life means I’m not a ball grabber?”
“No, I mean…” He took a deep breath, redirecting his thoughts. “When was the last time you just let go? Laughed until it hurt? Screamed at the top of your lungs? Or gave in to your emotions and let loose?”
“My emotions are just fine where they are.”
“Hidden from people?”
She stared at him, her mouth dropping open. Who did he think he was? “If you’re so certain that I’m not capable of knowing what I want, then why are we here, Levi? That’s not what you want, remember?”
“I think you do know what you want,” he said with certainty. “I’m just waiting for you to finally admit it.”
“I have admitted it. Over and over again.” She gripped the gold pole harder. “I’ve told you that I’m not interested in a relationship. So why are you still pressuring me? Are you a glutton for punishment? Do you want another failed relationship?”
“No. I want my next relationship to work.” His voice was hard, matching hers. Maybe because she was pissing him off. Or because he’d never meant anything more in his life. Or both.
He sighed in frustration. “Zoe, you’re ambitious, and when you want something, you go for it. You’re already happy and satisfied all on your own, in here.” He reached across the space between their horses and tapped her chest.
She swatted his hand away, scowling at him. He barely seemed to notice, his intense gaze boring into her. Why wouldn’t he give up?
“You’re not looking for someone or something to complete you,” he said. “A good relationship would just be the encore act to make the show perfect. You just refuse to see that.”
“You’re right,” she said coolly. “I am happy. Without a man. I know what I want. And that’s to be alone.”
Levi turned away from her, but she could see his reflection in the warped carousel mirrors. His jaw clenched as he stared ahead, clearly trying to regain control of his emotions.
“You don’t mean that,” he said finally. “No one wants to be alone. Everyone wants to find that special person to spend the rest of their lives with.”
“I’m not everyone,” she said. “I already know that I don’t ever want to get married.”
“There was obviously a time when you did.”
“And that was a mistake,” she snapped back. “A close call. I’m better off this way. It worked out for the best, really.”
“You got hurt, and now you’re scared to open up.” His expression suddenly changed to one of pity. And there was nothing she hated more than being pitied. “Have you even opened up to anyone since your wedding day? Have you let anyone in?”
She rubbed her forehead as the music, the lights, the spinning was starting to give her a headache. “I’ve let people in. You can’t pretend to know me after two weeks. Because you don’t.”
“No, I don’t.” The sound that came out of his mouth was a laugh, but he didn’t look like his usual lighthearted self. “That’s just the point. Does anyone? Or do you keep yourself so guarded that no one knows what’s really going on in there? Do you even know what you want yourself?”
“I know a hell of a lot better than you do,” she threw back at him. “Who are you to tell me what I want, what I need, what will make me happy?”
Levi leaned closer so he didn’t have to yell over the music or engine noises. Or maybe it was because heads were turning their way as they went round and round. “Because I think you know what you want, but for being such a straight shooter when it comes to everyone else, you sure are good at lying to yourself.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“One minute you’re telling me I’ve got no chance, and the next you’re grabbing my junk. Even when you’re pushing me away, you’re running after me.”
“No. I mean okay, yes. I did do that.” She shook her head, trying to get a grip on the conversation. It seemed to be forging on quicker than she could keep up, faster than she could defend herself. “Maybe I’ve been a bit indecisive, but it’s not because I don’t know what I want. I do know.”
“Then what is it?” Levi reached out to her, his hand grabbing her waist like he was pleading with her. “Because you’re sending me mixed signals.”
Zoe flicked his hand away like it burned. “Maybe because you’re pushing me. You’re pushing me for promises, for more. You’re pushing me for something that I can’t give you.”
“Can’t give me? Or refuse to? You pretend like you’ve been honest, Zoe, but you’ve been lying right from the start.”
She gaped at him as they undulated up and down on their horses, the rest of the world spinning around them. She closed her eyes, feeling dizzy.
She shook her head. “That’s not true at all. I’ve been honest with you this whole time.”
“Sorry, but I just can’t believe you. I think you’re lying to me, and I think you’re lying to yourself.”
She scowled at him. “Then that’s your problem. Not mine.”
His face hardened and his nostrils flared as he took a steadying breath. “Fine, then tell me right now, and I’ll never bother you again. Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t want me. All you have to do is say ‘no.’ Say it, Zoe.”
Zoe glared at him, feeling her breathing come in nauseated pants, her heart thudding inside her chest, her head splitting open from the music overhead. But she couldn’t seem to form the word.
“What do you want, Zoe?” Levi asked when she didn’t say anything.
“I don’t know!” she yelled.
The only thing she could think of that she wanted more than anything else in the world was to leave, to get off that ride and run as far away as possible.
She could feel things bubbling up inside of her, things she wanted to swallow back down, to tuck away in her bottle. But that didn’t seem to be working so well anymore. They kept leaking back out whenever she was around Levi, like he was shaking her up, building the pressure like a can of Coke.
The ride needed to be over. Now. She was ready to jump off the second story carousel, to dive off the pier if she needed to. She couldn’t wait another second.
“Stop the ride. Stop the ride!” she yelled. “I need to get off!”
But when the ride kept going and her world kept spinning out of control, she slid ungracefully off her horse, falling to the metal floor with a bang. Practically crawling on hands and knees, she made her way to the edge of the turning platform.
Someone shouted nearby. The ride jerked. Zoe gripped the horse next to her. Somewhere inside the inner workings of the antique carousel, gears grinded to a halt, a motor whined as everything began to slow.
When the ride thankfully came to a stop, she scrambled toward the stairs. Then she heard Levi call out behind her.
“Zoe!”
At the top of the stairs, she turned to the sound of his voice. He was still on the horse, staring after her like she’d lost her mind, and he felt sorry for her.
“You were right the other day,” he said. “It’s not me. It’s you.”