Chapter Seventeen
Alex
I wake up, still slumped onto the sofa, my neck throbbing, as someone pounds on the door. Light streams through the windows. I groan, feeling hungover even though I haven’t had a drop. It takes everything in me to stomp to the door. It’s probably Dr. Conlan coming to impart more words of wisdom, to reassure me like he did last night.
But it won’t. A family is without their father, their grandfather, their husband, their brother. It’s my fault. If I had been more focused, if I had tried harder, this wouldn’t have happened.
It’s all my fault.
I turn the doorknob, vision blurred from the remnants of a few hours of sleep.
It’s not Dr. Conlan, though.
It’s Marley.
She leaps through the door, wrapping her arms around me. I want to tell her to take a step back, that I haven’t showered, but once her arms are around my neck, I can’t. I fold into her, burying my head in her shoulder.
I’m selfish right now. I can’t push her away, even though I should. I can’t tell her the “I’m fine” lie, and I can’t feel guilty for loving her, despite my dad’s warning.
Because right now, holding her is what I need.
“Hey, it’s okay, Alex. It’s okay. Dr. Conlan called me to tell me what happened.” She whispers her words as if she’s afraid speaking too loudly might break me. It just might. I’ve never felt this low, this messed up.
“I fucked up, Marley. It was my fault.”
“Shh, no. No, it wasn’t. You tried to help him. You tried to save him, you did. Dr. Conlan told me you did all the right things. You did everything right, Alex.”
“He died, Marley. He died right in front of me, and I was powerless. I couldn’t save him. I didn’t save him,” I murmur, trying to shove back the tears that want to fall right now, trying to be strong. I grit my teeth, clenching my jaw and exhaling.
“Come on, let’s sit down,” Marley says, leading me to my sofa.
I slink into the sofa, burying my head in my hands. “I should’ve been able to save him.”
“Hey, look at me,” she commands, putting a gentle hand under my chin, pulling my arms away from my face, and turning my head to look at her. I stare into those eyes I’ve stared into so many times. I feel steadied. I feel grounded in reality. “You can’t save everyone, Alex. You can’t. It was Mr. Bronson’s time. It was his time, you couldn’t stop it. Dr. Conlan wouldn’t have been able to stop it.”
“Yeah, he would. He would’ve done better. If he wasn’t so damn tied up with the car accident victim, he’d have saved him. Or someone else. If someone else had been in my position, maybe Mr. Bronson would’ve lived. I should’ve known right away to check for internal bleeding. I should’ve checked quicker.”
She pulls me to her. The tears don’t flow. Now, the secondary emotion is building. I’m pissed.
Pissed at myself. Pissed at the situation. Pissed he had to die, pissed Dad is going to see this as a sign he’s right, that Marley’s distracted me.
And pissed maybe he is right in some ways.
“Listen, Alex. You’re a great doctor. Seriously. Dr. Conlan is tough on his staff, but he sings your praises every chance he gets. I know it must be hard to have what happened take place tonight. I know this is your first one. Joe told me he still remembers his first loss. It’s not easy, I know. But Alex, think of how many people you’ve saved. Think about how many you will save.”
My breathing steadies. “But I should have saved him.”
“Alex, you can’t be perfect. You’re not perfect. No one is. None of us are God. But just because you’re not perfect doesn’t mean you’ve failed. You did everything you were supposed to. It was just an unexpected tragedy, an unforeseen side effect. So stop beating yourself up. It’s okay to be sad about it. But it’s not okay to blame yourself. It’s not okay to tell yourself it’s your fault. And it’s not okay for you to give up on your dreams. You deserve this. You’re amazing.”
“I let someone die tonight, Marley. He died in front of me.” The words keep sticking in my head, repeating themselves over and over.
“But you also have helped so many people live. Like me. You saved me. You saved countless others. You need to stop focusing on your shortcomings and focus on what you’ve done. Alex, it’s like you told me. You deserve to find your happiness. You deserve to give yourself some credit. You’re doing a damn good job. Stop holding yourself to perfection. You can be a good doctor and let yourself live a little. And living means you’re going to make mistakes. You’re not going to be perfect. You have to get used to it. You have to learn to do the best you can and realize it’s good enough.”
I stare at her, still feeling guilty. I still feel like I failed, and I still feel like shit.
But, for the first time in my life, I also feel accepted for who I am. Not for who I might be. Not for the prestige I can earn, and not for the grades I get on my tests. I feel accepted for who Alex Evans really is, the good and bad. In her eyes, I see acceptance. I see a woman who will stand beside me, who will lift me up when I want to give up. I see a partner. I see a friend. I see a motivation to keep going when things get tough.
I lost someone tonight, and that is awful. I know I’ll never forget this night, and I’ll never forget his name. I’ll never forget the helplessness I felt when he started slipping without warning. I’ll never forget the final look on his face or the look on his loved ones’ faces when we had to tell them the news.
I know, too, though, I’ll never forget this moment right here, how even at my lowest of low moments, her expression, her words, her eyes brought me back. I’ll never forget the trust and support I see on her face right now.
I’ll never forget the knowledge that Dad is completely wrong.
Marley hasn’t distracted me from my dreams. She hasn’t forced me to lose focus.
She’s done the opposite. She’s given me permission to chase my real dreams, and she’s given me the motivation to find happiness in this crazy life. She’s given purpose to my dreams.
Sitting here with her, I realize before Marley, I was doing all of this as my life. Now, I’m doing all this to build a life with her, to find happiness with her.
I’m not doing it for prestige or success. I’m doing it because being a doctor, being with Marley, they’re part of a collective dream I have now. They go hand in hand. This job is brutal and heartbreaking. It’s emotionally draining. But with Marley, I feel like it’s possible to find happiness in it and outside of it. I feel like I can find balance.
“I love you,” I say, leaning in to kiss her on the cheek. “Thank you. I think need to go get a shower.”
“I’ll make you something to eat,” she responds with a smile.
“What about work? Do you have to be up early tomorrow?” I ask, glancing at the time on my phone.
“I called off. This is more important. I’m here for you, Alex. We’re here for each other, you know?”
I smile. “You betcha,” I say, heading to the shower, my feet a little less heavy.