I Want to do Better…
I t had been hours since Anatoly left. The sun was starting to set and with it any hope she had. His abrupt exit earlier had torn through Renee’s heart and her mind. God, what had she done? What had he done? She loved her husband with everything that she had inside. He was her moon and her stars and their daughter was the axis that kept them in line, but at that moment, she felt like she was drowning.
Yes, she had pushed him. To try to connect and salvage their marriage, she had made him confess to things in which she already knew the answer. But what good were they together if they didn’t share everything? How could she be there for him, if he was not willing to show her who he was not only in their home, but also what he did out there in the streets? What she did, it had to be done.
Standing in the marble bathroom looking at her reflection in the mirror, she wiped the streaming hot tears from her face. Hands trembling, she pursed her lips together and balled up her fists.
“God help me,” she whispered.
He had killed or had been a part of the killing of those women. Something in face said that he had enjoyed it too. It was his smugness, that asshole thing he did with his eyes. He had killed so many men he couldn’t even count anymore. And she was his wife- party to his infinite bullshit. Whether she admitted to herself or not, staying with him meant accepting all that he had done. And what kind of woman did that make her?
She wasn’t like Royal. She wasn’t Valeriya. She wasn’t Lilly. She had grown up in the church for goodness sake, lived a quiet little life, and she was fine with that until she met him. Anatoly had made her fall in love with him, made her turn herself inside out. It was more than his beauty or his money. Being with him completed her soul. Or maybe he had just consumed it.
Now, he didn’t care about how she felt. He had gotten what he wanted. To hell with her.
Lurching over, she began to sob in her hands. The tears wouldn’t stop. The pain wouldn’t stop. She had no release. Everything around her was starting to shake apart like an earthquake ripping down mighty man-made towers. Despite her earnest try, she could not tame the beast. He was untamable…unattainable.
“Why!” she cried out. Grabbing the end of the counter, she bent her head, shaking it as the breath caught in her chest, making it nearly impossible to breathe.
“All this shit!” she said, looking down at the crystal containers of perfume and the expensive makeup lined up on the counter. “All this fucking shit!” In one angry swing, she knocked the containers onto the marble floor. Crystal shattered on the floor, bottles rolled across the room.
She couldn’t look at herself anymore. She couldn’t bare what she had become – a push over, an afterthought. He had promised her he’d always be there, always protect her, always love her. Yet, he kept her in a safe little box away from the world, changing her more and more into a person that she no longer recognized, and he did it without even giving her an explanation.
“You don’t owe me an explanation?” she screamed about Anatoly as she looked at herself in the mirror again despite her resignation. “You don’t give me the truth?” Tears splashed against her red lips. “I’ve given everything to you! And yet you fucked those dirty, worthless bitches!” Her voice roared in her anger.
Picking up the chair under the vanity, she hurled it into the mirror, cracking it into a hundred pieces. Her reflection was suddenly distorted. “FUCK YOU!” She raised her hands and cradled the top of her head, cringing in emotional torture. “All I’ve ever done is love you.”
Crumpling down in the floor, she began to rock. She felt so defeated. How could he love her and be so closed, so far away from her? She had given him everything, told him everything. There was nothing left for her to take back.
“Please God. Help me,” she whispered, rocking back and forward. “Help me before I lose my husband, before I…lose my soul.”
Clasping her hands together, her diamond ring glimmering under the light of the vanity, black hair spilling over her shoulders, she began to pray. “Jesus, restore my family. I know that we don’t deserve it, but I’m begging you. Please, Lord. He’s all I have.” All she could do was talk to God, ask him for forgiveness for not only herself but for her husband. She loved Anatoly so much. If he could only see it. If he could only see her, see them…
But Anatoly did see her. He had come in a few second ago from a long day out in Miami with the hopes of reconciling, however, he had not expected to find her like this. It was unnerving. He didn’t mean to hurt her. Seeing her like this, made him feel so small.
Leaning against the bathroom door, he watched her. Quietly, he had witnessed what he had done to her, his sweet little angel. This is what he did to people. He ruined them, hurt them, destroyed them. Well, he could not do it to her.
Stepping into the bathroom over the broken shards of glass, he went to Renee and swept her up in his arms.
“Baby,” he whispered. “Don’t cry.” Kissing the top of her head, he pulled her in close. His warmth soothed her as he rocked with her small body. “I’m so fucking sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you this way.” He wiped the tears from her face and kissed her cheeks. “I’m here. I’m right here.” With great care, he carried her to the bedroom and placed her on the bed.
She curled up into a ball, feeling even worse that he had seen such a display. What must he think of her now?
Anatoly went back into the bathroom and grabbed a hand towel. After running under the hot stream in the sink, he came back and wiped her face gently. Her eyes were swollen, face twisted in pain. How could he make it better?
“I didn’t want you to see me like this,” she sniffled.
“I made you like this,” Anatoly said, ignoring her embarrassment. He sat on the edge of the bed, and turned away. With his back facing toward her, he rested his elbows on his knees and put his hands on his face.
Renee looked at him, his muscles flexed under his thin T-shirt as he leaned forward. The silence of the room only made it worse. What was he going to say now? Was he going to just leave her? Had this all just become too much?
Anatoly finally rose and rubbed his hands together. “I am a shell of a man without you. I don’t exist without you,” he said, voice deep and brooding.
Renee wiped her tears and sat up, pushing her head against the backboard of the bed. She wouldn’t say a word, just allow him to speak, although she was certain he wouldn’t say much. He didn’t open up and allow himself to be vulnerable. That was just who he was.
“When I came here I was running from a man I murdered, but it wasn’t for money. He was trying to hurt my sister, and I felt an obligation to save her and protect her. My actions…” he paused and took a deep breath. “My actions caused me to lose my entire family. My mother would not talk to me. My brothers forgot me. My sister judged me. I was broken. You’ve never felt that from your family. They may be…a bit much, but they’ve always loved you. Big Momma would have never pushed you away, but my mother did. And it was the driving force in my life. I shut down, Renee, because what could a boy do but shut down.”
Renee could see his words were heavy on him. She felt the weight, so very large and restricting.
“Royal was the first woman that I ever saw stick by a man whom she had every reason to hate. I killed my uncle for raping her. I killed many people for trying to take Anya. It seemed like everyone I loved was dangled in front of me. I’m always so fucking afraid that I’m going to wake up, even with all this money and have nothing again.” He shook his head. “I try to protect you, because if I lose you, I’ll die. If someone hurts my daughter, I will die. I will lose my soul.” He turned to her, tears in his eyes and reached for her hand. He clasped it in his own.
“I just want to keep you safe. You’re the only thing that is pure in my entire existence. I thought I was doing you a favor by keeping you from what I do. How could you love me if you knew? I’m a murderer…”
Renee’s mouth flew open. She wanted to say something, but no words would come out. He needed to be comforted but how could she comfort him? How could she make all that he had done simply go away? She couldn’t. It was there. It would always be there, and either she had to accept it or move on.
“I’m a sinner. I’m a profiteer. I’m a monster. I’m the man your pastor warns you about. I’m the tip of the sword, the devil in the dark. I’m the evil you try to pray away. Me.” He blinked fast. “And yet, you love me despite of it all. I don’t know why. You deserve so much more. But it kills me sometimes. I bleed inside, not because I hate what I do.” He smirked. “I don’t feel anything, because that part of me is dead and rotted. I bleed because I know if I don’t kill them all then one day someone might hurt you.” The thought angered him and inhaled a deep breath.
“I’ve brought you into something you can’t turn from. People like me, this life, this brotherhood is not something you retire from and ride off into the sunset in hopes of a different life. THIS IS OUR LIFE. If you back away, if you give up, you are eliminated. And maybe if my daughter and my wife were not here, that wouldn’t be an issue for me. If I die, it’s just part of it, but you are here. And I am not going to lose you like I lost my mother and my sister and my brothers. I’m not going to have you hurt by someone like Victoria. I’m not going to have you comprised by someone like Briggy. I’m not going to ever choose someone like Destiny over you. There is not a woman on this earth who could take me away from you. I don’t desire them. You have my whole heart. You have my whole existence. And I’m scared to fucking death every day that one day you’ll finally see I’m not good enough for you and get up and take everything away from me.” The tears ran into his beard and washed over his face. “Don’t you see, Renee?” He wiped his face and squeezed her hand tighter. “I am nothing without you. So, I keep it bottled up, so I can survive, so I don’t hurt inside the way I did when my mother sent me away. I don’t want to be alone again. I don’t want to be thrown away.”
Renee crawled over and sat in his lap. Putting her hands on the side of his face, she kissed him. “I’ve never heard you speak like this. Thank you.” She kissed him again, this time on his full mouth. “Thank you.”
He hugged her so tightly she could feel his racing heartbeat. Wrapping her arms around him, she clenched her eyes closed. “I’ll never leave you. I promise. I just want to be there, Ana. I want you to open up and live our life with me. If you do that, I won’t ever even think of leaving. I’m sorry about what happened to your mother and sorry about what happened to Royal and Anya, but Alexandria and I are not those women. We are yours, and we’ll never abandon you. I know what I got into, it’s just hard sometimes.”
“I know,” he said, fingers gripping her soft little sides. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize.” She nestled her head into the side of his. “You remember what the pastor said. We have a purpose. If we wake up in the morning, we have a purpose. Maybe ours is to survive and make things better for the people that we can, even though we have to hurt bad people along the way.”
“I think I’ve met my quota,” Anatoly joked.
Renee smiled and pulled back to look at him. “Life has a way of coming full circle. Just be careful of what you do, eventually it will be done to you. I know that’s crazy coming from me. I know what you do out there.” She frowned. “But everything doesn’t always have to be bad, Ana. There is still some joy here.”
Anatoly wasn’t sure if the joy this world had to offer was meant for him. He had done so much wrong in this life until he could hardly expect to be rewarded for it. His father had warned him, we are not good men. And he knew that better than anyone else. But the joy he could steal, he’d give it to his wife and his daughter.
“I love you,” he confessed.
“I love you,” Renee said, eyes tearing up again.
“And I’m sorry for Destiny. It was stupid and careless. I’ll try to make it right.”
“Don’t kill her, Ana.”
Anatoly shook his head and looked away. It wasn’t like the thought hadn’t crossed his mind. “No, in other ways.” He reached in his back pocket and pulled out a piece of paper.
“What’s this?” Renee asked, taking the paper.
“It’s our new house. I’m selling this one, getting rid of old memories. I want you to be happy, and I don’t want you thinking about that woman every time we make love in our bed or I’m swimming with our daughter.” He hoped the small peace offering would make her feel better.
“Ana, a house?” She was dismayed. “I didn’t mean for you to…”
He cut her off. “It’s done. I want you to be happy. This will make you happy, da?”
Leaning in, Renee kissed his mouth. Her hot breath mingled with his as his tongue speared past her lips and tasted the delicate velvet of her mouth. Grabbing her by her butt, he pulled her into his needed erection, pushing against the fabric of denim jeans. What had started out as pain was quickly morphing into white hot sexual tension.
He panted, a cool gleam in his lusty eyes as he threw her on the bed. In one motion, he yanked off his shirt and threw it on the floor. His well-sculpted chest was tight with pent up frustration. Renee halted at his expression. She pushed up on her elbows and grabbed his belt buckle. The clasp sprung open. One hand gripped his jeans, the other unbuttoned his pants and pulled down his zipper. He was sans underwear. Good. Less to trifle with at the moment.
Anatoly had to have her now. He reached for her shirt and tore it open, bottoms flew across the bed. Grabbing her by her waist, he pulled her to him forcefully. Domineering hunger began to flame over him. His nimble tongue trailed over the mounds of her breasts as her head flew back. So delicate. So tantalizing. He ran his hand from her neck down to the top of her white demi lace bra. Pulling it down, he suckled her exposed, pebbled nipples, tasting the perfume and feeling the silkiness of them. But that wasn’t enough. He needed more.
“Fuck,” his raspy voice strained as he clawed at her underwear. He had to get her out of them. NOW!
She found his mouth again. Kissing him deeply, she raised up so that he could pull her panties off. Her thighs were already slick with cream. Anatoly pushed her back in the bed and buried his face in between her legs. Lapping at her labia, he planted a full kiss on her sex and then sucked her in. The sound nearly unhinged her.
“Ana!” Renee croaked, voice broken.
His tongue speared inside of her right before he slipped in his middle finger. Knowing she would possibly burst, he flicked his tongue over her clitoris, slow at first and then faster and faster, while still moving his fingers inside her body, prepping her for his impending arrival. She tasted so damn good until he hummed. So slick. So sweet. He couldn’t get enough of her. He couldn’t quench his thirst. Sucking at her again, he rested his entire mouth over her mound and French kissed her vagina until she started to quiver.
Renee pulled him away from her sex and kissed his wet mouth again. If he kept on, she wouldn’t last another minute. Her legs opened wider, begging for him to take her.
“Now,” she begged. “I want you now.”
He crawled up in the bed, fisted his shaft and guided his red throbbing head toward her opening.
The feeling of his penis prodding at her only made her want him more. It slid in between her thighs, brushing over her overly excited clitoris and down to her butt before he finally slammed into her body.
Renee’s eyes flashed open. Every time felt like the first time, especially when he didn’t inch inside. She was filled to the brim with every inch of his meaty, wide cock, unable to run or even move.
It felt so good to be inside of her body. He could feel her wet warm body tighten around him, sucking him into her center. He planted his balled-up fists beside her on the mattress and thrusted again. The veins in his muscular arms protruded, his mouth parted. He was losing his mind. Her smell. Her feel. Her fucking body was going to send him over the edge.
Curling his lips as he watched her submit in their ecstasy, he ground his hips in a circular motion, trying to feel every part of her. He wanted to go slow, but the need in him was driving him sane. She would have to forgive him. He was beyond the point of making love. All he could do was ravage her. The sound of skin slapping against skin echoed around the room. Sweat ran down his tattooed pecs and dripped onto her stomach as he worked.
Slap. Slap! SLAP!!!
Gripping one of her knees, he raised her thick short leg higher, angling her just right, and then he pushed deeper. It was so torturous to watch himself move in and out of her body, still he couldn’t pull his gaze away. This is what it was about, right? Claiming what was his. Well, she was his. ALL HIS. He bucked against her. Renee’s toes curled in response. Moving fast, moaning aloud, he threw his head back and growled like an animal.
“Give it to me!” he grunted through gritted teeth, his eyes wild and untamed. “All of it!” he demanded. “I fucking own you. You own me,” he proclaimed, dark eroticism in his eyes.
“Baby, I’m…I’m…” the words would form for Renee. Her eyes rolled back and her back arched. Gripping the sheets, she absorbed the deafening body blows.
Anatoly taunted her. “Come hard, baby. I want to feel you come for me, on me. I want you to feel me come inside of you.”
Ah, shit. Renee could feel her climax approaching. Her breasts bobbed with every blow. His heavy sack slapped against the bottom of her buttocks and his veiny, thick member grew to steel inside of her, impaling her with passion as he slid in and out of her body, pushing against her clitoris and making it throb with ecstasy.
He couldn’t breathe anymore. Couldn’t think anymore. He was on autopilot. Squeezing his fingers into her soft flesh, his face strained making the vein in his forehead protrude, his voice deepened and he released himself into her. His hot, white seed was so plentiful until it started to spill out in between her legs. Still, he bucked into her making them both sticky wet.
“Renee!” he screamed loud enough to echo down the halls.
She could feel him flowing like a river inside of her, causing her climax to come rushing violently forth. Her orgasm washed over her shaking her to her core. Her womb contracted as she died a thousand deaths under him. No man had ever…
“Oh God!” she cried out. “YES!!!! YES!!! Oh, GOD, YES!” He left her weak as he pulled out. There was nothing left. No anger. No pain. No worries. She was simply there.
Remembering she was carrying his child, instead of falling on top of her, Anatoly rolled over to her side. His blue eyes were heavy now and all he wanted to do was fall asleep, right here beside his wife. His blonde hair nested around him, mingled in her black silk mane. His face was covered in sweat, her sex and smeared in red lipstick. Panting, he grabbed her hand and kissed it.